I know that I need help...I was seeing an IC that really only "listened"..No solid advise ever.

When looking for an IC what is the difference between a
psychologist? psyciatrist? theraphist? etc.

I need someone to help me take the steps to leave my dysfunctional marriage. Our M is too far gone for MC and WH wouldn't go anyway..
I need to go thru the grief process, anger and healing. I want to do this without medications...RIght now I'm stuck in the greif/anger stage and I want out of it...


I want to go thru this w/o LB my WH or his OW. I want them out of my thoughts and my heart. I want the strength to know that I can make it on my own and not be afraid of being alone anymore....Basically, I want to find peace in my life and I need help to get there.. I am very broken and I need fixed...

HUGS

To be honest, I found one in the my HMO directory, knowing that if he/she wasn't meeting my expectations (for you...grieve, etc), I would politely let him/her know that I didn't feel they were meeting my needs and they should be very happy to "refer" me to one of their colleagues.

THe big thing for you is to get in the Recovery pond...your wheels have been spinning and you need traction to get you away from that toxic WH as painlessly and quickly as possible.

Other than that, how are things going on the D front? Any progress or is all of that tied into getting help with moving on wihtout WH?

Hang in there!

To answer your question, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor trained to dispense medication to treat psychological problems.

A psychologist or therapist will discuss problems and talk through issues in your life and give guidance on how to handle issues that come up.

See you popped up again - your always there for me..THANKS...

You guys were right about the trip we took - things weren't bad until the last day - when we both were drinking..things were said and then it got worse..



WH said his attorney said not to file either..WH keeps telling me to get out..he knows that hurts me so that's where he cuts me..and watches me bleed..

I get reminders from other posters that some dogs can't/won't learn new tricks, that I just want what I thought I had, etc. I agree but I can't always accept it..I can't accept that the man I M could be so empty, could hurt me and feel nothing..I don't "get" people like this..I truly don't. It hurts my heart to think people are so selfish and self-centered..

There is no progress - I am still stuck in the grief/anger mode. I need to move forward and I need help doing it..I can't do this alone or w/o guidance from a IC..

Hugs

You and I have chewed some of the same dirt haven't we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The "Human Condition" is an amazing study in the unknowable...

We, as a species, are capable of immeasurable acts kindness and cruelty all at the same time! How does that happen

There are times that we must accept the unknowable. You will never understand how your WH could be SO selfish to do the things he did...

But he is not the man you married...

You married and wonderfully kind, thoughtful man that would never make you cry, right?

What happened to the "good" WH?

He NEVER existed...

He polished up his act and it took a while for the REAL WH to come to the surface.

You and I (I was guilty of this also) fell in love with an ILLUSION!!

Our perception of our respective WS's was not based in fact.

It is now...

If you were single and knowing what you know now, would you talk to him? Would you date him? Would you give of MOST intimate self to him?

Of course NOT!!

Because you know better...

An IC should help you detach from your "perception" and see WH without the distortive "rose-colored glasses".

He is a cheating loser who cared not one WHIT, for how you felt. He repeatedly committed adultery without a care in the world. He will NOT stop and you know it.

Is this someone you want to spend any amount of time with?

I hope not...

Get ito IC and begin the detaching...it'll be good for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care,

Scott

{{{{{{ITHURTS}}}}}}}

I hear you there. Those are the worst kind. I have had a few of those myself... It's like...what's the use going to a therapist such as that. Why spend all that money for no direction. I don't get how those people get thier jobs.

And drinking always makes matters it worse.....

This is the hardest thing to understand I know. His heart has been hardened....bad!!!!

3 things to do....

1. Distance yourself from him - are you in plan A or B?

2. Pray to God to soften his heart.

3. Pray to God to put you back together in a greater way.

Love, Lady

I hear you WHNBS - really I do...

I know there is "something" wrong w/him to be this way..One day nice.. one crap..one moment nice...one moment crap..

He's gotta be bi-polar, strong narcissist pd, sex addict or ?????

But, here I go again - focusing on him or wanting to "fix" him..I have to stop this..maybe I carry guilt for the demise of the M too.believe me, I'm no angel..but, I wouldn't even kick a rabid dog as hard as I've been kicked..

ONLY if I never saw the good side..it's in there ..or maybe like you said he just polished himself up for me and the public..

I know..he not only didn't care about me he didn't care about his MOW..Remember he had a few going at the same time..Most people in an A have 1 partner - we aren't dealing with the typical straying husband here.

While on our trip we did have SF (don't hit me-LOL) and truly I didn't feel "love"..I felt that I was having sex..that's all..It was different too not the typcial b-4 I found out sex..almost normal..yet, there was no real itimacy, he wasn't making love to his wife -- he was having sex w/one of "them"..

One of my friends gave me an IC to call - I just did..I'm ready to do what I have to to get well..

HUGS..

A common misconception is that counselors tell you what to do. They don't. They help you overcome obstacles that are holding you back.

A counselor can help you understand why you feel that way you do, and can help you see how you get in a particular situation and what you can do to avoid it in the future.

Counselors come in several different "flavors". Some counselors are purely "reflective"--you talk, they listen, and they ask questions mainly to get you to talk more. They rarely offer their own perspective on a problem. The other end of the spectrum are counselor who are confrontational, and much more prone to give you his/her view on a problem. Neither type is "wrong"--it is just that the approach may not be the one that you respond to.

So, basically be prepared to "shop around" for a counselor. Set up a meeting with one and go. If you don't like the person or don't feel a connection after a couple of sessions, then go to someone else.

I gotta be honest...you keep going over the same things and, as a result, you are essentially in the same "place" you were in the spring/summer.

What do you REALLY want? You know you can't have WH become a FWH...that we know. Unrepentant and unremorseful he is (in my best Yoda voice!)

We know that we cannot change anyone...only ourselves.

Now you can either accept his cheating and live the life you have been...OR

You can make a REAL plan to separate yourself from him.

Write down your plan...

Take real ACTION to follow that plan...

I am not privy to your financials, but if you are able to move out, you need to do it.

I know you want a house and apartments suck, but what is more important in the near-term...your sanity or a house. IMHO, getting away from him is paramount at this point.

Then...

Plan D/D...Dark and Divorce.

You need to completely remove yourself from any non-business interaction with him.

Your admission of SF shows that he still can push your buttons and he will CONTINUE to do so as long as he can. If you are "Dark" to him, whatever "hook" he has in you will slowly come out...

Living alone does suck...INITIALLY. After a month or so, it gets a LOT easier...almost too easy!

You can CHOOSE to stay and enable his cheating ways or you can CHOOSE to leave...

It's ALL up to you...you must choose and then ACT on your choice.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Take Care,

WNB

JimmyMac- I have alot of family/friends telling me what to do..LEAVE HIM...I need someone to help me emotionally leave this M. Help me overcome the obstacle of "thinking" that I can change him and "thinking" that I still love him. And even if I do - that what's best for me isn't a serial cheat.

Yep - I am...I am stuck here...that's why I want to find a good IC to move in a better place emotionally.


We both know what I want..But, only thru IC will I accept that I cannot have what I want. The spoiled girl will not get her way this time..I "see" it but I still can't accept it..Maybe becoz I know that I can change so why can't others??? I guess I'm not worth him changing for..


There are days when I think - I can accept his cheating..I never should have dug as deep as I did..But, in my heart I know I could never live my entire life knowing that he had MOW.. There are people that close their eyes to their WS A's..I can't..I wish I never would have found it out and now it's to late to pretend that I don't know..

We both know I have to choose to leave - hopefully, w/the right IC I'll be able to walk out that door..

As of the house/apt. issue..I still believe that whereever I move I have to be happy..I have to like my home and surroundings or I'll be kicking myself for ever leaving him. I don't want to feel that on top of everything else..I want peace and peaceful surroundings - familiar things that make me happy.Yes, they are material but a comfy couch is better than a cardboard box IMHO...I never said material things don't matter to me..they do..

And if I can't be emotionally happy I may as well be material happy.

Hugs...

It seems to me that you are asking, "I know I should leave. But, I can't. Can someone help me leave?"

The answer: "No, they can't." Nobody can walk out the door for you. Nobody is going to tie a rope around you and drag you from the house. Nobody is going to start the car and drive you away.

From what I've read, you seem to know the guy isn't going to change and you will continue to be miserable as long as you stay with him. But, you continue to stay even though everyone tells you to leave (probably including your H).

Jimmy - Your right noone can walk me thru the door - but I want the tools to emotionally do this on my own.

I want to know that I'll be OK w/o him. I want to feel secure in a very unsecure time of my life. I'm not a risk taker by nature..


YEP..But that goes back to my insecurity and his years of controlling me. Yes, WH has told me many times to leave and that's really painful. At times it angers me - he's the one that wants to be single that is cheating - WHY should I leave my home??? He should be the one to go..yep, I'm looking for the easy answer but isn't he too..Oh, she left me..I'm innocent..it was her choice..

I'm hoping IC can help me take off the rose colored glasses I've been wearing for 2+ years..and see him for who he really is and never look back...