So here's the situation. My wife had an affair and is now pregnant. It could be mine as we were having unprotected sex during the month it was conceived however she did have one encounter with him. Supposedly he used a condom but she isn't sure that he may have done something to it in an attempt to get her pregnant. So now there's a baby on the way and we don't know whose it is. My wife and I already have 2 children together. My wife doesn't want to have anything to do with him and wants to stay with me. She has an appointment to have an abortion but we are really troubled with the thought of doing it. Both of us agree that if it were his that we would go ahead with the abortion. Does anyone know where the law stands on this in NY? Can he contest peternity? I think I'm prepared to raise this child as my own but that's as much as I can handle. I don't want to raise it and share it with him.

FYI I have been advised by my lawyer that in NY state if a man can prove paternity he WILL eventually be awarded visitation rights by the courts. It depends on his determination to pursue those rights but there's a precedent in NY for granting visitation rights to biological fathers. The LEGAL father is the one who's name appears on the birth certificate and that is another thing entirely.

PLEASE do some more research before you do anything rash, such as schedule an abortion. Oftentimes, laws are very different for paternity with Married Women than Unmarried Women. I would THINK that campdog's advice above applies when the pregnant woman who had the affair is Unmarried. It may not apply at all since your wife is married to you.

To the best of my knowledge, in most/many states, a child born in wedlock is automatically presumed to be a product of the marriage UNLESS PROVEN OTHERWISE. And your WIFE would need to be the one to begin that process, not the other man.

I am married. I have two children with my husband. Some man off the street (whether or not he could prove an affair with me) cannot just walk up to me and start contesting the paternity of our children. The key phrase in campdog's response above is "If a man can prove paternity..." - how is OM going to go about doing that? In court. How is he going to get the situation to court? If a man can sue a married woman for paternity of her child when he is not her husband, I will eat my words, but I would find that ludicrous.

Get legal advice, but my best guess is that if you and your wife are married, and you plan to raise this child as your own, the OTHER MAN has NO rights. We are currently certainly in a situation where unless the married OW or her husband contests paternity we have NO RIGHTS to partial, joint or full custody of OC. That is normal.

There is one other person who could contest paternity. That is you, IF you and your wife are going through a divorce. However, if you stay married and raise this baby for any length of time, acknowledging yourself to be its father for any length of time, you are probably designated its putative father for all time, whether biological or not. Again, get legal advice, but this is often the case.

My best advice? Love your wife, get counseling for the affair she had (Marriage counseling), make a happy home, and raise your THREE children together joyfully and with love. Skip the paternity test, parenthood is a lot more than biology. Never mention the affair to family or outsiders or God-forbid your children if they don't already know, and raise this baby as your own. That is Dr. Laura advice, if anyone wants to call me out.

MSA

It doesn't matter where a person stands on the issue of abortion but without question it is an action that can have serious, long term emotional consequences. It is NOT 'just a simple surgical procedure' and many women who have undergone one end up regretting it for the rest of their lives. The best thing you can do is not to pressure her in any way, shape or form towards having one and be emotionally supportive of any decision she makes for/against it. Do so and both of you will reap the benefits for years to come.

TMCM

I sought the advice of a lawyer because my wife had her lover's baby who we are raising as our own. Mrs advice is sound, you must seek out competant legal counsel. Just for the record though a man in NYS can claim paternity in court and have a DNA test ordered by the court to settle the issue.

I'm all with raising the baby as your own, it still may be afterall...correct?

However, a lot of thought must be put into who knows and when.

The truth will come out, someday. You want to make sure it's the right way.

Does the OM know about the potential here? Does he know your wife is pregnant at all?

I would hate for her to have to go through an abortion.

How much more time do you have to make a decision?

Thanks for all of the advice, please keep it coming. This is really a trying time for my wife and I but if we make it pass this then marriage will be a snap (HA HA). Anyways to answer some of the questions so far. My wife just found out she was pregnant last week so that would make her 5 weeks today. I'm pretty certain that we had unprotected sex 5 days prior to the day of typical ovulation. I'm only pretty certain because neither of us can remember the exact day at this point. Unfortunately between the day we had sex and when she likely ovulated she had sex with him but claims he used a condom. Initially, she suspected he may had done something in an attempt to keep her because she couldn't remember the exact days we had sex (I wasn't in the fog, I remember pretty well). At this point the OM doesn't know she's pregnant. He will likely find out from a mutual friend. My wife has confided in 2 of her friends so far as she was initially going to get an abortion without telling me. As it stands she has an abortion appointment in 6 days but we have longer than that before it has to be done.

My thought at this moment is that I would prefer to never have a paternity test and just raise the child as my own. My main concern is exactly what campdog brings up. I don't want that scumbag coming in and forcing a paternity test on us. I still don't understand how someone other than the father, mother or child can request such a thing.

Raise the child as your own, but get the test anyway.

"Our" daughter is now 36 and is expecting her 5th child. We all know she might not be my bio daughter; however, even after all this time, we would like to know for sure.

A man can in any state.

If your wife puts you on the birth cirt., he would only have like 2 years (the same with you) to request it I believe. A mow was telling me that they were just waiting for that 2nd b-day to come to lay it to rest for ever.

I'm not a mow so I don't know from my own expereince. Just what I've heard from a couple of attorneys.

And listen to coffeeman. Abortion can leave long term scars. I'm not telling you not to, but just listen to coffeeman he gave great advise.

a man can take a mow to court on paternity and visatation. It's a parents right in the eyes of the law. And yes, if some man saw you on the street and decideded your child was his, he could petition the court to you. You would have to do a DNA test. Maynot be fair, but it's the law.

In my opinion though if a om does this he is pretty serious cause it won't be cheap for him and not an easy road to achieve.

This last sentence did you mean wife/husband or child? Cause if you meant what you said, then in deed he may think he is and therfore asking.

I have several friends that are rasing the child on there own with no interfernce from om. They are perfectly happy. Lucily though the om wants nothing to do with the child or pay cs for the next 18 years.

Did you say this was a ons? Why would he try to sabatoge if it was a ons? If I misunderstood I'm sorry.

You might want to consider getting DNA testing if you decide to keep the baby for a couple of reasons.

1. At least you would know for sure what the outcome would be if the OM sought a DNA test in the future. You might be worried for nothing. Or, might know a battle could happen, and prepare.

2. In this day and age of medical miracles, so much is being based on dealing with genetics, alterations of genes, transplants, etc. If some type of health situation were to come up in the future for the baby or other family members, DNA results could have an impact on treatment options.

Slash, I can relate to your agony since it so closely parallels my own. My son was 6 months old when I found out he was not my blood and he just turned one year old on the eighth of this month.

I'd like to share a few things I have learned from my personal experience with you, if I may. Just to stay clear I'll state I'm against abortion for emotional, not moral, issues. Were it not for abortion I would have a 33 year old child right now and a few others. My first child is 9 (I'm 52). The first thing I'm thinking is that getting rid of the baby without a DNA test is a mistake since there is the possibility that it may be yours. I'd hate to spend the rest of my life wondering if I aborted my own child because of the possibility that it may have been another man's.

In the second place an abortion would not clear up the issues between you and your wife concerning her affair. You will have to deal with those issues baby or not and it won't be easy in any case. You are wrong if you think it will be a 'snap' if there were no baby to consider. Whether or not your wife is pregnant by her lover you still have to work your way through the situation that brought you to these pages in the first place.

I'm also thinking that you and your wife may fear that having her lover's child in your family might make a difference in your feelings for that child. I can't speak for you but I want to tell you that in my own case the horrible circumstances surrounding his conception has NOT affected my feelings for my newest son. A dirty, sneaking, low life scumbag donated the sperm that brought him into my life but I'm glad he's here. Consider that the baby your wife is carrying, assuming it's another man's, is the only innocent party out of all those concerned. And yes, I'm including you in that equation. It IS possible to love another man's child as your own. I'm living proof of that fact.

As I said I'm just telling you these things to give you some input to help you reach what will be a difficult decision no matter what. I feel for you bro and I truly wish that you (and I) had never had to come here. But here we are. If it helps any you can read my own thread in this forum and see one man's journey begin on the road on which you now find yourself. I warn you it's long but I got some good advice and met some remarkable people along the way. Hang in there pal. God has His hand on your shoulder. Good luck to you.

Campdog, very nice post. :-)

Campdog, thanks for your post. I had read some of your thread prior and through it I did find some comfort. I had hoped that you would join in this post as our situations are quite similar. I hope that you will continue to share with me your experiences. I hate being here but I think you could really help me through this.

First, I agree an abortion will not clear anything up in my marriage. I certainly didn't mean to convey that. In fact I expect that it could damage it even more. I know her and I have a very long road ahead of us.

My wife's affair lasted for 4 months and was a very intense EA/PA. It's left some serious wounds on me. I have little faith that the man she had the affair with respects me or my family at all. He knew me, he knew she was married with children and I know he did all that he could to destroy all of it. I have no doubt in my mind that he would do anything to get her back. I'm not as concerned about losing her as I am about how it will effect my family if it's his child and he pursues that. What if he does get visitation rights? What effect will this have on the child? What effect will it have on my children? Will they understand why their brother or sister lives a different life? Will they understand why his or her 'father' is different that theirs? I've suffered immensely through the affair but have protected my children through it all. I don't want to suffer any more and I certainly don't want my family to suffer at all.

At times I do wonder if I could ever love another man's child equal to my own. Sometimes I wonder if that child will serve as an occasional reminder of the pain I've suffered just for loving my wife? Will I be the father to him or her that I expect of myself?

Then again, perhaps the child is mine. This will likely be my last child and my wife and I should be cherishing all of this. Is that SOB robbing us again?

At this point I'm leaving the decision up to my wife. I've told her I support any decision that she makes. I've told her if she keeps the baby that I will assume it to be my own period. No more talk about what if's. I love her dearly and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her and our children. I'll be leaning on the people here for support so that I can support my wife, children and marriage and not take anything from them right now.

I was a BW. When I got final confirmation that my xWS was having an affair, the OW was 7 months pregnant. My ex was 47 and she was 21. My ex and I had decided 8 years prior to this to have no children together, so I had my tubes tied. We had been looking forward to having an "adult" life, as our children from previous marriages were older teens, moving into adulthood.

My ex didn't know if the OC was his for sure. He thought that the OW might not have been faithful to him. He did say that he asked her to consider having an abortion, but she refused. She had already placed a baby for adoption three years prior to this. My xWS did want to try and reconcile, but was very clear that he wouldn't abandon a child of his, and knew he couldn't ask me to help raise an OW's child. I told him that I would take it one step at a time. And, that I had the option of backing out at any time. I didn't know how I would handle a flesh and blood baby who would obviously be shared with the OW.

The OC was born. He had Down Syndrome. When I was pregnant with my own sons, I always prayed that if they had a birth defect that it be physical, not mental...anything but mental.........I really questioned my ability to attach and deal with this situation.

I finally saw the OC when he was about 2 months old. But didn't interact with him. He was peacefully sleeping. I then spent some time with him, finally, when he was about six months old. He was so sweet. I asked to give him his bottle. I took him in my arms. He snuggled right down. I fed him and he fell asleep in my arms. I was in love!

Unfortunately, my xWS didn't follow through on his multitude of promises to make changes. We didn't get back together. A DNA test was done when the OC was about 10 months old. My xWS was his father. I don't know if I could have handled dealing with the OW. She was street smart and took care of number 1..and expected everyone else to, too! She knew my H. was married at the time they had the affair. She'd call our house. Others who knew her said they wouldn't put it past her to get pregnant on purpose just to keep my H. from going back to me. (This doesn't excuse his lack of control/birth control.)

I don't know if I would have resented the lack of freedom that raising another child, a special needs child, would have created.

As I noted, we shared no birth children and our children were older. They all knew about the situation. Little by little they came around to at least accept the OC, while not accepting the circumstances of his birth. I know there was anger and resentment, too. But, my oldest son, for example, wants to invite my ex and the OC to his wedding, "because he was my step-father for so long and that is his son.". I drew the line at the OW!!

Could I have raised the OC and been at peace? I don't know. But, I do know that I could love him.

Has your wife decided what she plans to do?

Slash, I'm basically just a lurker here nowadays but if I can help you in any way I will. If it weren't for MB I would certainly be apart from my family right now and maybe in jail. It makes me happy to think I might be able to return to you some of the comfort I have gotten here.

I'm glad to see that you realize that having another man's child in your family is an issue in itself and that termination is not a cure or a solution for anything. I'll discuss that aspect with you for now if you don't mind and you can lead the thread in any direction you please.

To address your comments in order. Why worry at all about the OM's state of mind? You already know all you need to know about him, right? His actions have proven his ilk. I myself spend a lot of time obsessing about my wife's partner in adultery and I have received little in return beyond emotional pain. Assume the worst, that he will pursue his so-called 'rights' through the courts (the concept boils my blood) but realize that it may not be the case. In actual fact very few of those low life dirtbags stay the course. In my own case my son is one year old as I said and I have yet to see page one of any court order or document from his father. This despite the fact that he has sworn to my wife that he so very much "wants to be part of his life" referring to their child together. People here have counseled me that if the OM is willing to jump through the various legal hoops to see his child then he may be the sort of person who can add something positive to his or her life. That argument has some merit. As to the effect it will have on the child a lot will depend on the way you handle the situation as does everything else concerned with raising children. I think you could apply the same concept to the effect it will have on the children already in your family.

I've given a lot of thought to the question of what I will tell my children concerning my newest son. The issue will have to be addressed soon as he looks nothing like me and people are already beginning to comment. I have a daughter 17 and a son going on 10. I plan on telling them the truth in age appropriate ways. I think I will take the position that their mother is as human as anyone else and just as prone to making mistakes. My attitude is that if I can forgive her and continue working on our relationship then they would do well to follow my example. My children are exceptional people and I will trust to God and their upbringing to see them through the initial shock. I pray with my whole heart that the effect on my family will be no more than it would be with an adopted or step child but in the end it's in God's hands and I trust Him.

There is indeed occasional deep sadness when someone compliments me on my son and I think that he will never be my blood. There is good reason for the moral and religious injunctions against adultery. But I want you to know that far more often I feel pride and joy in knowing that I am giving my beloved son the tools and attributes that make him the adorable child that he is and that will make him a remarkable man. Those feelings are no different than for my other children. Did I mention that my son is mine biologically while my daughter is adopted?

You can love as little or as much as you want to bro. Love is remarkable in that the more you give the more you have, an arrangement that continues to amaze and delight me. Don't give that piece of dog s**t any more power than he deserves. If it turns out that you and your wife work it out take satisfaction in knowing that in the end the better man won. Hang in there and remember these words.

Another nice post by campdog... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still, Slash, I did more searching online and I remain unconvinced that OM has any rights to paternity at all since your W is married to you. If it is a huge concern, I really think you should consult with an attorney. Perhaps even Friend of the Court or whatever could basically tell you if it's possible that he could try to initiate some proceedings. Even if he could, he probably won't, right? Most OM don't volunteer for 18 years of child support I wouldn't think. I just hate to see you worry needlessly when the matter could possibly be put to rest by consulting with the right legal advisor.

MSA

I think at this point my wife and I are leaning towards NOT terminating the pregnancy. She has been asking me to make the choice but I won't. First, I don't believe that it's my choice to make for a variety reasons. Also, I don't think there really is a choice to make. I don't believe she would ever get over having an abortion especially if she labelled it as my "decision". Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that is my decision but I'm trying to be logical.

I would like to be able to say that I can forgive her and accept the child as my own in the event that the child isn't but I have my doubts at times. This is all so very new and it's nothing I've ever prepared myself for. This is not where I ever thought I would end up!