New to post. Having difficulty in marriage (21 yrs). I love my wife dearly, always have. That's not to say we haven't drifted apart over the last 15 years since the first of three children arrived. I have worked and traveled to the bone to insure she could stay home and raise our children.
Lately though, she seems to be in this crazy mood where she wants everything to change. From me wearing a necklace I have worn for 20 years to moving furnitire to getting a job. We have been bickering and arguing for about six months. She has a very difficult time conversing. When we talk, she is always doing something else, which drives me insane. Our arguments have escalated into very verbal arguments. About three month's ago as I was traveling to another city, she decided to file a PFA on me after one of our arguments. (says she wantede to make a point) This got very ugly in that I was informed that the papers would be pasted on my garage door. When I went to pick them up, she called the police and I was arrested. They let me out on my own recog since I have never been arrested and have a clean record. Her excuse was verbal harrasment and when the DA and lawyers told her they could not provide a PFA on just that but needed something physical, she made some simple stuff up (I pulled her hair and threw a toy at her 15 years ago) That was enough and off I went. I was devastated to say the least. I sat in the police car handcuffed while she laughed and talked to the police. My children, who were going through ****** over this were in my car and witnessed the whole thing. She new I was coming to pick them up, which I did, but found no papers. I was driving away with my children when I spotted the police going towards my house. I turned around figuring they were delivering my papers, only to find out she had called them and I was arrested for violation of pfa. 2000 dollars for a lawyer later and one week out of the house and she dropped the complaint in court.

We talked and agreed to work on our problems that we both new we had and to get counsuling.

However, she at that point has been relentless in pushing change in ALL aspects of our lives. She went out and got a job, against my will, which requires her to work with a male 5 days a week in a 15 x 15 trailer. I told her that this was unacceptable at this point in our marriage and that we should look for something different until we can heal this marriage and I can gain my trust back in her. She is fighting me all the way. She keeps telling me the marriage is fine and that I shouldn;t worry. That makes me worry. She took the job helping at the school as a para to help a child with tourets synd. I would be fine with this except for 2 issues. First, the guy thing is too much at this point. The school is 95 percent female and she gets stuck with a guy. She has had many oppurtunities to look for a new position in one of the 4 schools in our district, but has refused to do this, even though I have stated my concern for the situation. She said get over it, live with it, don't worry.
Second. She fought me tooth and nail to start my two older ones a year late so she could have more time with them and they would do beetr n school. Well eventually I gave in and they are both a-b students. Our daughter on the other hand, who is 7 yrs old, is pulling d's and she doesn't seem concerned. She said I'll talk to the teacher. I indicated that we should have a plan to get her back on track. Last night she spent 2 hours doing homework with my daughter, which was very difficult. Then as she spent another hour in the chair reading, I didn't want to bother her figuring she was working on daughters issues. Turns out she was studying up for the school kid and doing nothing for daughter.

I have been trying for month's and month's to tell her we have to work on this marriage, however, my wife's way of communicating is to ignore me when I talk, do something else while we talk or to just shut up and say nothing. She always says, well, what can we do about it to every problem. She refuses to discuss problems. Always has. Would rather forget them and pretend they don't exist. She was raised this way. Parents have no communication.

I can't go on this way. When issues arise, I am a very open person who feels the need to get the conflict on the table and resolved. She on the other hand would just accept things as they are and move on. This is what drove us to the brink in the first place. She says she doesn't understand what emotional needs are. She thinks it's sex (which is and mostly always has been great). I cant' seem to get through to her that it's not just sex.

So at this point in our life I am living with someone who is forging ahead making family decisions based only on what's good for her, refuses to have a mature conversation unless she is getting what she wants, refuses to meet half way and insist on going to bed at 8:30 - 9:00 every night because she is exhausted. She said she needed th ejob to get out of the house and have a social life. I told her since we don't need the money (we are already spending more on clothes gas etc tha she is making) and that if what she needed was social contact and to feel needed she could always donate her time to one of three old folks homes or the childrens home, particulary since we can afford it. She said no.

Our average alone time together is about 30 - 45 min per night, maybe, on a good night. I cannot see how we can survive with that type of comittmant. She don't see a problem.
Dire starights....

Could there be a medical reason?

Have you asked her lovingly if something is wrong, between the two of you in her opinion, being that she appears to be very upset with you?

Have you lovingly asked her opinion about how she thinks you should handle these feelings? And if she feels the problem(s) are yours, asked her, lovingly, please elaborate?
And if you have done this, what do you have to question on your part?

If you two are living together, she claims there's no problem(s) and the marriage is fine ... have you asked her lovingly what on earth provoked her to phone the police, get paperwork, etc.???

The keyword here is "lovingly." I detect a lot of frustration on both parts. I suggest you behave in a loving manner regardless of how she behaves or reacts to your "properly presented" questions.

It's all in the presentation!

I wish I could supply more feedback, but at this point I have more questions than feedback.

Perhaps she is also feeling a lack of respect for her feelings on your part (grasping at straws here). So showing her respect and understanding will be very important when you initiate communication and she see's that you genuinely care and really want to know what YOUR part is, what YOU can contribute, to help her.

Loving, Respectful, Genuine Caring

Thanks for the reply.

Obviously theres a lot more. She has a bad thiroid and has been on meds for 10 years. She developed a tumur in her leg that was benign but entailed a very major operation and recovery, 2 years ago. Since she has found a lump in her breast that battling to get her to see a doctor proved to be just a lump and we were told after a biopsy she is fine and should not create a problem.

Yes we are living together, kids 15-12-7 yrs.

The main problem is when I have an issue that she doesn't care and wants me to just not worry about it. I have asked her a thousand different ways but always same answer. I have been very serious in that I feel when I want to talk about something, she should at least hear me out. Instead, if it effects her or her agenda, she shuts me out and bickers and brings up the past and then we argue etc. In the past I would end up so frustrated I always would say something I regretted and would give in just to compensate.

It sounds like she has so much going on that she feels absolutely OVERWHELMED! JMHO. After all that, it wouldn't surprise me if she's suffering from depression (typical behaviors in such a case, especially if it's major depression). Again, I'm only grasping at straws. Look at depression and see how much her behaviors and mannerisms relate, that's where I would start.

And if she hasn't had her annual COMPLETE physical exam yet this year (including OB/GYN Pap/other), I would say that would be my next move. How often do they check her thyroid? Initially, my first doctor was checking every two months ... I was stable so got checked every six months ... I was stable so I got checked once a year with my annual physical. NOT ENOUGH! I now have a new doctor and he checks my TSH levels every two months for life!! He tells me that thyroid hormone levels can change every month! Obviously, poor thyroid function is a primary contributing factor in depression. Also question about menopause onset and pituitary hormone function.

Perhaps you could communicate your understanding and compassion about all this and she will be more open to discussing your needs.

She may feel bitter about her situation and think you are selfish to come to her with your needs when she is going through so much she can barely cope as it is. I say this because I felt that way about my H (major health problems here) and took it out on him. Realizing later that I was being very selfish pertaining to my marriage of "two" and I needed to view my problems in the sense of a partnership.

I'd look at medical first. It may be that she simply can't handle ANYTHING right now, with the exception of positives, and may not be so much about you.

Perhaps put your grievances aside for now and pamper her. That will give you an idea. Ask her what SHE would like. Dinner cooked, meal in bed, rent a movie, whatever ... you would know more than I ... and ask.

Hope this helps.

Low and behold. She finally picked up the phone and there are two new positions available, one within 2 miles from our house. Now we have argued and I have pleaded with her to make an effort for three weeks. She wouldn't budge. Now all of a sudden, with one quick call, magic. This is what I deal with on every issue, big and small. She has no sense of urgency, no priorities and when I ask her what she looks for out of the future or our marriage she said she doesn't think about it that will be will be. Being an engineer, and having to work with some plan and control over multi-million dollar projects, I am always forced to look ahead. She refuses to. And she won't discuss it. When I asked her why she waited and put us and the family through this, her answer was, well don't worry about it. Maybe this will work out. Problem is, I can't keep going through life with my thumb up my butt and the other in th eair waiting for good things to happen. I admit I sometimes have the paitence of a firecracker, but I have been working on this and have not yelled or insulted her in 3 1/2 months. This was what she said she wanted to stop with the PFA. Well it worked, however, now she compares everything we discuss to that scenario., saying, well it's just as bad. I can't seem to get her to be serious about my feelings, nor does she seem to care. At the moment it's all about her and I am slipping away fast. Don't know what else to do. Have spent $500 on counsling and have yet to get a word of advise, he just ask questions and then it's over. I am not confident that counsling will work. I'm having my doubts.

Also, you could try this. Anything you can do as far as keeping house, homework help, etc. may really help. Especially if you just take it upon yourself and do it without being asked or having it brought to your attention in any way. If there are tasks or areas of running the home that you recognize, take it upon yourself to give her some relief. She may be feeling like she just can't do everything she has on her plate and when she senses your dissatisfaction, it more or less pushes her over the edge ... she simply can't cope with not one more thing.

I have tried to discuss this issue with her. Being that she is very inverted, it offends her when I bring it up. Alittle backgroud. Her parents are th etype that keep everything from everyone. Her dad has quadruple (live in another state) and insisted he not tel their children he was going in for an operation. The mother called at the last minute and said she felt we should know but not to let him know we know. Then she found out walking down the street in the spring from an uncle that her father had parkinson's. They never told us, returned home for the summer and we were told 2 month's later. Of course we had to pretend we didn't know. When she had the leg operation, she didn't want anyone to know, particulary her faimly. To this day me and the doctors are the only ones that know about the lump.
When she filed the PFA, I asked her why she made no attempt at a differnt solution, like talking to someone (me for instance) or sister or mother. She said she couldn't do this and out of anger filed the PFA. Of course the female lawyers were very helpful, since they are so sensitive, not.

It sounds like you don't have the right counselor. You both should be getting supplied with coping skills, relationship skills, communication skills, and planning skills to maintain the household so it runs smoothly, etc. Something to actually "do" about these things. I could be wrong, but if you have been seeing this counselor repeatedly and you have not been supplied with any strategies to take action on these problems ... I'd certainly drop him and find another!!

That last doctor that I spoke of kept seeing me for problem after problem and not addressing my concerns or real problems ... same as what it sounds like "may" be happening with this therapist of yours. He was using me as his little "cash cow." There is information in the forum, go to the Home page, at the top I think, and there is good information about how to find a good therapist.

Also see "Counseling Center" at the top.

As far as the counselor, perhaps he is good. I would ask him when you and your spouse will be given some problem-solving strategies to implement!! If he doesn't "get it" right quick, I'd bail!!

Since I have been back home, I do the cleaning, the cooking about 50%, laundry, dishes, house maint, car maint, kid delivery, everything she used to do. So by her getting this job that pays $8 hr, I have taken up a good bit of what used to be her responsibility, coupled with my full time job. I feel this job is costing me not just money but mentally it is getting very taxing. The more I pamper her the less she does. In addition, she is now even more overloaded and less able to have a mature discussion. I feel I'm being used for some long term plan she has but I am not allowed to know what it is. Seems unfair. At the very least I feel she should listen to my concerns, which always turns in to her turning every issue around on me, and let me know whether she is going to help this marriage or just keep taking. I have to regain my trust in her, which was drastically damaged in the PFA episode. She doens't understand why. Starting to feel she did all this just to take control and get her way. I worry daily that I will comne home to this again. She says she would not do this again, but I say yu did it once? It was very obvious to me during the arrest etc that any female could do this to someone on false pretences and get away with it. This is a very scary situation. I can't keep living in fear, especially when I don't have any idea what she is thinking.

I agree, you can't. You two must find a way to communicate without one or the other feeling fearful or under attack. You need to tell this to the therapist, since she obviously isn't listening ... for whatever reason. Whatever that reason is, you are certainly entitled to know it.

Also, during these times of uncertainty & fear that she could do that again ... could you go stay the night with your parents? Or a sibling? Or discuss this fear with her and tell her (lovingly) that you intend to protect yourself in the future? She has no right to expect otherwise of you, meaning ... that you have no right to feel the need to protect yourself from these fears. Fair is fair and trust is earned; it doesn't look like she is making an effort (based on your posts, but I don't know her side), and don't forget the other possibilities with health issues and all. Mood disorders and health problems can absolutely devastate a marriage, especially if they are not recognized and properly treated in the appropriate sense of partnership.