My wife confessed (after denying, and only after concrete evidence) to an EA with a coworker. She expressed her feelings to their coworker two weeks ago ("I like you" or something to that effect)... since then they have been chatting online, emailing, and have met in bars 3 times with other coworkers.

The extent of their contact has been dancing, and one incident of "drunken" hand-holding. She says she was going to end it the weekend I found out, and I kind-of believe her. I've definitely failed to satisfy her emotionally for quite some time, and she has acknowledged a problem with honesty, and we're both willing to work through it.

When I asked her why she made the decisions she did, she says "temporary insanity". She is overcome with guilt, and told the OP they can't be friends anymore. Since then, he has emailed her with "Miss me?" (she willingly told me), so I'm not sure if she made the point clear enough.

Should I ask her to leave her job?

Yes, you should ask her to leave her job. Read what SH says on the subject... and think about it...how will you TRULY rebuild trust knowing that she's in contact with him every day at work?

Absolutely! Any contact with OP is BAD!!!

She can always find another job...

I think a (potential) loss of income is relatively minor comapared to the nightmare that awaits the both of you if she doesn't quit.

A pro-marriage MC would be a good start to get things back on track...affairs like your wifes's are usually a symptom of other issues in the marriage.

Buy Surviving An Affair and Not Just Friends...they are great books to explain HOW these types of affairs begin and how to put up some "Windows" and Walls" in your marriage.

Fill out the EN questionnaires and see how well/poorly you are each meeting each other needs

Don't be suprised if more (PA) has happened between them...I have a suspicion, but I have been known to be wrong.

Good luck and keep posting...

WNB

yes, if the affair is to truly end and if your marriage is to ever recover, she must leave the job. If she is really sincere about ending contact, I would ask her to send him a no contact letter that you both write together and is sent by you. Also, if he is married, his W should be told about the affair by you privately. That will increase the risk that the affair does not resume.

Leave the job!! Ditto!!

Wayyyy to much tension on the marriage, during her workday, and far too risky given the fact that the communication does, and will (co-workers) continue even if the EA ends. Just not worth it at all IMHO.

I guess I knew what the answer was, I just hate how it sounds. I know she will agree to quit if I ask her, but it will break my heart (again) to watch her leave a job she enjoys so much.

We've both been reading from the site, and we've already decided to fill out the EN.

Where can I get info on how to write a no contact letter?
Should the OP's wife be informed?

Yes, the OP's wife needs to be informed...for two reasons. One...it will help prevent your WW and OM to continue this EA because there will be TWO spouses watching for it now. Two...she deserves to know the truth, just as you did. You would have wanted her to let you know if she found out first, yes?

Nothing against your wife, but don't let the loss of her job break YOUR heart...it wasn't your choice to allow this to happen, and so it's a consequence of HER actions, not yours. As far as an NC letter, there should be a few examples around here, but they're pretty basic. "Dear OM...I've decided that my H and my M come first, and I've made the choice to work things out with him. This can't possibly happen while you're still in contact with me. So I'm ending our R completely now, and want this to be the last contact ever between us, in any way. Please do not call, email, physically approach me, whatever, in any way again. I've copied him so that you understand that my decision is real. Also realize that I will inform him of any attempted contact with me (since our new marriage will be built on trust), and he may choose to inform your wife or whoever he feels needs to know of your attempts to contact me. Goodbye. signed WW". And ensure that she copies you (and OM's W if possible too is my opinion).

Barge-
I don't think you really understand just how serious this is!!!!!
You need to go read my thread immediately. YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN BIG TROUBLE.
My wife is filing for a divorce today so she can be with her co-worker boy friend. She fell in love with him in only six weeks.
You need to understand how to work through this the right way. Study MB basic concepts NOW. Buy the book "How to survive and affair" NOW. Call Steve Harley and get an appointment NOW. You are so lucky your wife is being open with you. DO NOT GET MAD... You want your wife to keep talking to you. You want her on your team not his.
Believe me I know...In my deal, Other man played me against my wife big time. My wifes affair lasted 7 months before I found out.
Good luck and God Blesss.

Yes, without a doubt she should quit the job. You should absolutely insist upon it. Treat it as if it is a full-fledged sexual affair and go into high-gear to save your marriage.

Of course she loves the job!!! Don't let that break your heart. You will know true heartbreak (your own) if she stays. She should not play with fire by staying at the job and trying to "manage" the situation.

When you actually push her to make a choice like leaving her job, prepare for her to defend her behavior, minimize her feelings for OM, "don't you trust me?" and all sorts of fog-nonsense. Stand your ground.

But wouldn't it break your heart more to have her affair resume?

I would suggest calling up the OM's spouse without your W's knowledge and just inform your W afterwards. If you tell her you are going to do this, she can forewarn the OM and he can get to his W first and spin the story.

Here is a sample no contact letter frm Surviving an Affair:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Yes, your WW should quit the job so she is no longer working with her OM and putting you through that kind of torment every day.

However, I will add one caveat:

Several years ago my WH had a long-term EA with a co-worker in City #1. It was very annoying to me, but I did not know the half of it and I did not realize how damaging this behavior could be on a marriage.

Then we moved to City #2. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought, well, at least we're getting away from *that.*

Within eight months he had hired a total bimbo to be his assistant manager and they were off and running in City #2.

The point is: Yes, she needs to leave, but if she does not change her attitudes and her behavior she'll just start right up again in a fresh new hunting ground.

Make sure you attack the underlying problems here and don't just treat the symptoms.

Good luck.
Mulan

I've asked her to leave her job, and she has agreed. She's giving her 2 weeks notice today, and we've also sent the OM a no contact letter.

She deleted his emails a few days ago, but she hasn't emptied the trash. She has since been reviewing the deleted mails, and this morning, has moved a few key emails from the OM into a folder designated for one of her girlfriends, presumably to hold onto them, and keep them from being found.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

The email thing is pretty normal, actually. That does NOT mean you should condone it...just understand that she's fighting through the throes of an addiction (to OM)...and you're going to have to convince her to go cold turkey.

Tell her you know that she's kept onto the emails, and let her know that she's got to get rid of them as part of her own healing process. Not to mention for the rebuilding of the marriage.

Tell you what my friend...I'm going to see if we've got any of the ladies around that WERE caught up in EA's that might be able to help you see her viewpoint a little easier...and see if they'd post here with you.

You might also consider asking your wife to post here as well...especially if 2BNormal or Cardsonly are still around. They could give her some awesome advice...

Hi Barge-
Don't know if you are still reading on here, but I was the WW that had an online emotional affair. Your W hanging onto those emails are very "typical". I did the same and hung onto many things that I wish I didn't for many months. It's so difficult to let everything go at once. My H and I actually sat down together to delete all the emails from the OM. He didn't read them, but he watched me delete them to hold me accountable.

If you have any questions to what your wife is going through feel free to ask.