I'm new here. I've been reading the different posts and I think this is a great support group. Please see my story below. Sorry, it's a little lengthy - but I wanted to make sure you got the WHOLE story, so I can get the best advice.

I’ve been married for almost 9 years. The man I married has been a great provider and a wonderful dad. He had a wild streak when we first got together. He liked his drinking and tinkered around with drugs. Some of this wildness went away with the birth of our daughter. The tinkering with drugs stopped eventually and so did the heavy partying.

Here we are now 7 years later. He is much more responsible, but still enjoys his alcohol and going out to bars from time-to-time. Today he holds a management position and does very well financially at his job. Along with the financial perks come some downfalls. There’s still the drinking. But, he now uses his stress at work and entertaining clients as an excusable reason to do it.

Throughout these 7 years we have grown apart. Out sex life was never all that, but it basically faded away completely. It seemed to me he was only “interested” when he had been drinking (depending on his mood when the drinking began). Then, because of “health” issues he couldn’t “perform” anytime alcohol was included. When he wasn’t drinking he never would even touch me. So, over time I became bitter and lonely. I just had accepted the fact sex wouldn’t be a part of our life.

That’s a little background – Now let me explain our current issues:

As I have explained, we have basically been living as roommates for years now. I’ve gotten used to his occasional alcohol-induced outbursts that wasn’t physical (for the most part), but emotionally very draining. In early July of this year, during one of our “disagreements”, he just got up and said he was leaving. I was so mad at him, I just let him go. He always threatened to leave and this time I wanted him gone as much as he wanted to go! I thought this time I would try something new. I wanted him to come back to me, instead of me hunting him down and begging him to come home. So, I didn’t call or show any concern that he wasn’t there. Nor did I question him on his whereabouts. Weeks went by and it seemed the only way we could communicate was through email. It was always short and to the point and usually was about our daughter. In mid-August I went out with some of my girlfriends and drank a little too much. Feeling lonely and sad – I made the call to him. I asked him to come see me and he did. It was nice having him there and it made me realize that I really did miss him. He left out the next morning (and no, nothing sexual happened that night) and said he had things to do. That whole day I thought about him and decided I wanted to see him again. He had said before he left that morning how much he loved me and how he felt like were heading in the right direction. He said he wanted us to do whatever it would take for us to get out marriage back on track. I had an idea of where he would be that evening (he always went to the races on Sat. nights). So, I got myself all fixed up and headed to the races to surprise him. Well, he was surprised – and so was the woman sitting next to him!!! It was the sickest feeling I had ever had. I left and went home and proceeded to self destruct. The morning after this terrible evening he came over to drop our daughter off. We sat and talked some. Of course, I wanted to know who, what, when, where, why, etc. I found out this girl worked at his company. Then I made the mistake of asking if they had slept together. He said yes, once. At that point the other shoe just dropped. I couldn’t believe he was telling me this. I only thought he hurt me the evening before. Needless to say, my world seemed to be unraveling at the seams. Monday at work he sent me a flower arrangement taller than me. It was the most beautiful arrangement I had ever seen. The card read – To my wife, I’m sorry. From your husband, not wanting to be ex-husband. That next 2 weeks involved lots of hurt, lots of tears, and lots of confusion. We started talking a little more and decided to take a weekend trip with our family and see if anything was left of our marriage. We went and had a wonderful time. We decided to try and again and attempt to put our marriage back together. We’ve been back together for about 2 months. Things are better at home. We’ve relit a spark that went out a long time ago and learned that we both need to feel loved and needed. We’ve connected more these last couple of months than we ever did before. I feel like we basically have a second chance.

Well… the problem is now that I just don’t trust him! He works with the woman and he has even told me she wanted more of the relationship!! So now, everyday at work I wonder – are they having lunch together, are they spending time together. He works some evenings and frequently works on the weekends. Well – she works on some weekends as well. So, in my mind I’m worrying… Are they planning something? Is he really at work? There’s always that little bit of doubt that eats at me. He keeps telling me that by me acting like that it’s going to cause problems with us now. How do I not act this way??? I can’t help the way I feel!!!

Then… a friend of mine looked at his computer at work a few weeks ago and saw that he and that woman have been chatting on instant messenger during the day. From the discussion (that I have a copy of), it looks like they had planned on getting together on a Friday that he was supposed to be on vacation. She took the day off so she could “give him an attitude adjustment”!! What the heck does that mean? He told her he couldn’t take the day off and didn’t end up meeting with her. But, he didn’t say – No, because my wife and I are working on our marriage and this isn’t the thing to do. I questioned him if he still spoke with her at work. He said – only about “work” things, nothing personal. Well, if they were going to spend a day together, how much more personal can it be!!! So, by him saying they don’t talk personal – he was lying too me. I can’t call him on the lie because my friend can get in big trouble by snooping on his computer.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of obsessing about her and him, but I don’t know how to move past this. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks for reading my post, I know it’s a long one!!!!

I'm thinking that "attitude adjustment" is company email code for shagging. Sounds like you've got a cake eater. No doubt you have benefitted from his new found vigor for life but you are still getting crumbs. His entitlement has been internalized and she has likely boosted his ego to such an extreme that he thinks he can maintain you and his relationship with OW at work.

I know you've probably already read Harley's advice about affair partners. They must go to No Contact and never, never, never, never see each other again. He must quit his job, get transferred, or whatever but they must no longer work together.

I think you need to snoop more so you can confront him. He is likely to deny to his grave since he believes everything he has done at work is confidential. You can't blow your source so you may need additional evidence before you can even attempt to bluff him that you know everything. You may be able to fool him with the "I hired a P.I. and I know and have pictures of everything" line but it helps to get some details to bluff with. I suggest going to Radio Shack or Wallmart and purchasing a Voice Activated DIGITAL (not cassette) voice recorder. Pay with Cash and hide the receipt really well. Place the recorder in his car up and under the passenger seat. If he ever catches you deny, deny and deny that it is yours as this may not be legal in your state. If he ever threatened to press charges just invite him to as the recorder is not yours and he is just trying to frame you with a recorder he bought and placed there.

Sorry you are here but this place is great. It saved my marriage. If he is continuing the affair I suggest your recovery was merely a false recovery and this is still the continuation of a single affair. Your marriage is still salvageable.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

If you have a home computer download the messenger service he uses. Put another name on your account and put his name in as a buddy. Then when ever he gets on line you will know -be sure to enter her e-mail address as well. Be sure you show you are off line hto or he could find out you are checking. Do you know he pass word? Enter his name and password and you will know everything they say to each other. I think this may work. I am no computer genius and have just tried everything myself to find out if my WH was on line or not.

btngirl

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

From what you've said, it sounds very much as if your H is doing what's called 'cake-eating' in infidelity circles. This means that he's enjoying the favours of both wife and OW, with no intention of losing either. This link Having your cake and eating it. might be useful to start learning about what he's up to.

If he really wanted to heal the marriage, there are a number of things he should have done (and you would have insisted on):

1. Given up all right to privacy, handed over email passwords, changed his cell number, made his life utterly transparent.

2. Asked what he could do to rebuild your trust in him, and then done it.

3. Changed his job, so that there could be NC (No Contact) with the OW.

4. Gone to IC, and/or MC with you, to find out why he had acted as he had, and what had gone wrong in the marriage.

None of these things have happened, so there's nothing for you to build a sense of trust on.

Ultimately, you're going to have to battle for survival here, unless you want to continue this miserable, unsatisfying existence with him. I would advise you to read on this site, get hold of a copy of 'Surviving an Affair' (by Willard Harley), and educate yourself as much as possible about infidelity. You need to formulate a plan for the battle ahead - know what's likely to come, and how you will handle it. Your H will not give up his pleasant, cake-eating life without a struggle, and you have to resign yourself to the possibility that he will choose to damage the marriage rather than give up what he craves.

This site is a great support resource to help you get through the battle.

TA

Thank you for taking the time to read about my situation. I really appreciate all the advice. It does seem like this is a great site. It really opens my eyes to how often this acutally happens.

Is it possible for my H to be the "cake & eat it" & "low rent rendezvous" with the same woman??? I read them both and he seems to be somewhere in the middle.

I really don't know how they act at work, but I know it's a really small place. I caused a little friction at their jobsite by sending a little note to the head office about office dating and the HR reps. came down to investigate. So, I don't think they would be advertising any kind of affection in front on the other employees. And with him being in management, I know he was really nervous about the whole investigation thing. Of course, he doesn't know I did this...

I'm trying to stay on top of all this and hold my marriage together. It's just really wearing on me, I think. What kind of woman would be o.k. being the "other woman"??? I guess I'm really foolish, but to me it just says wonders about her character. She knows we have a family and that he's back home, but after reading the instant messages between them, she is still trying to get him to meet up with her. He hasn't so far. That's a start, isn't it?

He tells me that NOW he wouldn't do anything with her and swears up and down that he hasn't since we've been "back together". I guess in my eyes, we've always been "together". I had asked this on another forum site... Do you think the way someone is raised has an impact on their lives as an adult? I ask this because my H family is so different than mine. His mom and dad used to separate all the time! He said his mom would up and move him and his brother & sisters and be seeing another man. She would be mad because his dad was messing with other women! Then, after a while his dad would track her down and they would get back together. My family, on the other hand, is totally different. My parents have been together for 30 years and never been apart for any length of time. I think that is why marriage is so sacred to me and seems to mean so little too him. What do you think?

btngirl

I'm sure your H's background might have affected his adult behaviour. However, that's for him to work through and deal with. It's not your problem. Your first problem is to work out what you want from your marriage and your life, and to identify what's missing at the moment. Do you actually want your H?

I think you're still very innocent about the whole infidelity 'thing'. That's not unusual, but unfortunately you're going to have to get yourself educated if you're not going to be made very unhappy here. Your H is following a standard script that most people here are all too familiar with.

Have you got yourself 'Surviving an Affair'? Have you made a plan to find out if your H is still in contact with OW? What is your plan if you find out that he is? What would convince you that he was sincere about saving the marriage?

Have you thought about getting yourself some IC (Individual Counselling)? You may need some help to stand your ground when your H fights back (as he will).

TA

TogetherAlone, I've really been thinking about your comments and suggestions. You seem really educated on this topic, I only hope it's not from you're own personal experience. I bought the book "After the Affair" and read it. It had some good advice also; but, not many of the "examples" fit my situation. I have tried some counseling during the separation. It became quite costly and I wasn't very comfortable with the counselor. Everytime I would try and bring up how I was feeling about the situation with my H, she would change the subject. It got kind of irritating that I was paying all this money to someone that wouldn't let me express my feelings.

I wish I could see a copy of this "script" my H is following! That way I could see what to expect!!! I really don't know his feelings about her. I do now believe he asked for the separation because he wanted to explore his feelings - for her. I didn't see that before, but it seems when they say they need time to "figure things out" - there's another person involved.

I want to believe so bad that she was just a fling thing and there were no true feelings there. I don't know how I will ever find that out. From the information I've gotten from other people, it seems she "gets around". I really don't think she's waiting around for my H. But, if he were to pursue her or see she was moving on, I don't know how he would react.

Just last night he was talking about work and her name was just mentioned, it made my eyes tear up. Do you think he even cares how much this has affected me? He didn't say much after that. But, later in the evening he asked me - "you know how much I love you, don't you?" It's like he's always trying to reassure me. I know him leaving his job won't happen. How can I ever learn to live with that?