Post deleted by midwestgirl

This is a tricky situation, and I am sorry you are caught up in it.

First of all, POJA, in order to be successful has to be a part of pretty much everything. It can't just be used once in a while. It has to become a "natural" part of your marriage and decision making lifetyle.

A few comments/questions pop into my mind.

o) You refer to yourself as a single parent, yet apparently your XH, now H is going to watch the kids while you're gone? If you hadn't reconciled, how was that going to be handled? Because you do need to take into account the fact that your leaving the kids affects him directly.

o) You don't mention your kids ages or how many, so it's hard to say. If they're 17 and just about out of the house, the issues are different than if they're young.

o) Why does your H consider your marriage in "jeopardy" if you go on your tour of duty? Is he unable to resist having an affair? Does he think you will? Is it just fear over your safety? Is he a control freak that can't handle the thoughts of not being in control?

o) Did you and your H reach agreement when you reconciled about what you were going to do? Agreement that you were *both* enthusiastic about?

o) If you don't go on your tour, what does your H expect you to do with your time?

Post deleted by midwestgirl

Well, sounds like you're stuck. THe original terms of the agreement have changed (length), and he's free not to agree with a new agreement.

On the other hand, unilateral decisions are pretty much a death knell for a relationship, as it brings about Independent Behavior (IB), a sure-fire lovebuster. On the other hand, your H is at least in spirit, reneging on certainly the spirit of the agreement, if not the letter.

Do you really think a 4 and 8 your old are capable of understanding what you're asking of them? Let alone the stress of separation and divorce and the associated abandonment, now even when M and D are together, people still leave of their own volition?

Is there no other thing you can do in the military that keeps you closer?

Ultimately, I don't think there's a right answer anywhere. Somebody's gonna get hurt. perhaps irreparably. The path of least damage seems to be for you not to go, as it keeps the bonds with the kids strong at those young years, and allows you and your H to work on your budding romance, assuming he can get over his insecurities. The only person that really loses out on their desire (and it's a want, not a need) is you.

On the other hand, if you go, 3 people suffer, and one gets what they want. Do you think that when you get back you will be a better wife and mother because of what you're doing? That somehow your children and H will respect you more and such?

Very few people on their deathbed wish they'd worked more. It's almost always family that is more important.

I don't know what your belief system is, but career on almost any value system usually places below family.

My final guess is that if you go, it will do long term damage to your relationship that will be practically impossible to recover from. And whatever fleeting joy you receive from your tour will be instantly lost when you come home and face over the years the long term damage to your family.

Ball's in your court. Be curious what you decide, an dperhaps when you get back you can report back and let us know how it's going.

Hi Jaye,

I appreciate your feedback and understand your perspective.

SO why did you go through and delete all your posts?