I have posted here before. My wife and I have been seperated since 10/18/04. I had a 6 month affair that ended in 4/04. We attempted to work on things but were not getting anywhere. Then she moved out. She intended on divorcing at that time, but we went through counseling for 6 months and I have spent the past year changing...major changes. I do everything for her just because. We hang out once a week, we do not argue, we have fun. She stated even wit hall the changes, she has been happier in the past year and wants to move on. She only sees me as a friend now. At the end of September I gave her a blank check and paperwork and told her if that is what she wanted I will give it to her. Since then, although she talks about the divorce here and there, we do go out have fun, hold hands, hug, and kiss at times. She is suppose to file this month, but said 2 weeks ago she doesn't know where we stand. Which she has been saying for the past year until asking for the divorce. I really want my wife back and my marriage and have keep giving and giving expecting nothing and often not getting anything in return. She is there, but she does not put effort forth. I do all the calling, all the asking to do something, all the card giving, the gift giving, and the compliments and most of the initiation of affection. Am I just a dreamer. Should I just let it go? There seems to be a look in her eyes at times that tell me she wants it all back, but we doi not discuss the past or future when we hang out because she doesn't know where she is at. Any suggestions for this situation? I am thoroughly exhausted after the past year of giving 150%. I know I betrayed her and have attempted to regain trust and love, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Any help would be appreciated.

It sounds like she may be rocking things back and fourth with you, but since you were the one who cheated, it is really her right to do this. It's good to here that you realized you made a mistake and are changing and trying to make your marriage better. I commend you for this.

As far as what to do, I would let her know where you stand. Let her know that your willing to do whatever it takes, but don't push her into making a decision. Just continue to try your best to improve yourself and your relationship with her, but the ball is in her court and it should be. If you trulely love her then you will let her do what she feels she needs to do.

Good Luck and I hope things work out between the two of you.

You know what? It SOUNDS like you've been doing "Plan A" for the last year. Are you familiar with Plan A & B? If not, read here: Plan A & Plan B

If, after reading and understanding the concept, you think you have been doing Plan A, then you might want to move to Plan B. Make sure you read all the info on this site , not just the discussion forums. And you can get lots of support from the "Plan A & B" discussion forum, too. Keep posting!

I agree with Avondale that you may have been doing Plan A for a year. That's a long time and after a year, people tend to get burnt out and start feeling resentful.

I would not recommend Plan B unless there is a behavior you want her to stop. Plan B is great for desperate situations where the one instituting Plan B sees that unless Plan B is implemented, the marriage will end.

Is your wife dating others? Or in an affair? If so, Plan B is indicated.

If not, maybe you should ask her to live with you again as husband and wife. You may want to give her a deadline, a generous deadline, like Jan. 5.

In the meantime, I suggest you take a step back. You've been meeting all her needs, plus some, right? People appreciate things more when they have to work a little for it. I'm not saying don't do anything, never call, or anything. I'm just saying do a little less. Be a little less thoughtful.

First off, you won't wear yourself out and second, your wife may appreciate you more.

Thanks for the advice. She is not dating anyone or having an affair. That is not her personality. And after doing it to her, I believe I know the signs. She is not doing any behaviors I dislike, just not actually fully engaging in making an effort, which is why she asked for a divorce I imagine. I jsut am confused that after asking for a divorce, why would someone continue to go on dates with you, hold your hand, hug you, and sometimes kiss you. It doesn't make sense.

Well, it only makes sense if she's confused about what she wants, but feels she needs to choose a path.

Or she could really enjoy dating you, but also really enjoy the freedom she has now.

Have you read Emotinal Needs? It could be she's kissing you and holding your hand because that meets her needs.

Could be that she doesn't want to do something that she might regret later. You are letting her keep you in limbo so she will probably keep you there until you have her make a decision.

If, after reading and understanding the concept, you think you have been doing Plan A, then you might want to move to Plan B.
No, he should NOT do Plan B.
His wife is not having an affair.