My WH and I have been in MC since July. Our MC said that I have a problem "seeing reality". So, I ask you all for your patience while I provide some information. I could really use some input from MB's as I feel like I can't rely on my own judgement anymore.

Our marriage was struggling since around yr. 2001. We both worked for large telecoms that stocks took big dives. Financially, we both lost a lot of money in our stocks and 401-k's. My company fell after his. I blamed him for not diversifying his 401-k, (the co. didn't have rules about investing in itself), I blamed him for not selling sooner. Then my co. started down the same path, I didn't sell as I believed what mgmt. said and I believed in the co. I worked for. All in all, I had a lot of anger and resentment, this caused big problems. At the same time our oldest son was not doing well in HS, getting into trouble, using drugs. I didn't handle this situation well either. Lots of anger and yelling, lots of discord in the house. I again blamed my H as he didn't participate in really raising our sons unless I insisted upon it. I lost respect for my H, was angry, and treated him poorly. This, and other reasons, lead to his A starting in the fall of '02. By January, my H said that he "loved me but wasn't in love with me". He refused to go to MC, but didn't make any move to file for a divorce or leave. I realized I still loved my H, realized I was wrong in the past and changed my behavior. I tried many times to talk to him during this time, but I got the it is too late, everything was my fault, all the problems with our sons was my fault, he was the injured party, he couldn't believe that I could change. During this time my self esteem plumeted to the pt. I questioned why I was even alive as I caused so much heartache and pain.

H's co. had on-going lay-offs since '01 and he was let go in July, '03. He bought a business in the state we are from originally, OH (we lived in NJ) from his best friend with money from his 401-K, advances on credit cards, drew down on a line of credit on our house, all w/o my consent, some w/o my knowledge. I still desparately wanted our M to work. Days before he was set to leave NJ, I saw e-mails that lead to D-Day 1. H said afterward that he called OW and said that there couldn't be any more contact. He left and for over a year came back every two weeks on the week-end. The money situation got worse. The company hasn't made enough money to pay it own bills let alone made us any money. During this period my WH and I went to a counselor 4 times. We worked through Relationship Rescue workbooks by Dr. Phil and read "After the Affair". All discussions were prompted by me. My H said that he wanted a divorce several times, I would cry and beg, all the things you weren't supposed to do. He also told me things I never knew, he was molested by an older sister, his dad spoke to him as a sm. child about don't believe what other people say, he is my H's father. Things I think were told to illicit sympathy and justification for his actions. Many other things happened that made me think there was continued contact, which he explained away and I choose to believe. After soul-searching, I decided to move back to OH and give our M a chance. We bought a house, which is in my name only due to the financial situation. I have managed to keep my job in NJ so far, but it is soon to end. I put a key-logger on our two computers at work after I began to suspect there was still contact, which there was. I told him I wanted a divorce, he then begged me to work on the marriage. I told him there must be NC, he sent an e-mail and bcc'd me. I also said we should go to MC, he needs to figure out why he does this, (it isn't his first) and he agreed. However, there has not been much effort on his part and it has been a year. His actions have changed, he is kinder, considerate, says every once in awhile he loves me. He can be affectionate (a big EN for me). I read HNHN and then found this website in 02/05 which has been a life saver for me. We are only in MC now due to my middle son reading my Dr. Phil workbook. Our son withdrew from college in the spring and didn't tell us bc he was so upset, which he still is. We have had a lot of ups and downs since then. My oldest son came accross a list of questions (4-5) sent to my H about the A that I had saved in an obscure file on our computer. He has had problems since then. My youngest son is resentful that we moved to OH and he had to leave his friends. His grade card has 2 C's, three D's and an F on it. At one pt. our MC why we came to MC. My husband couldn't come up with an answer, he has no idea why other than I insist on it. I was very upset after speaking to my oldest son last week and realizing how this as all affected our sons. I wanted to get everthing out and speak to them, my H was never for it. Our MC advised that it was now past critical that my H speak to our sons last Friday, he still hasn't. Our MC said that if WH doesn't do it, then I must as it has negatively affected our sons so much. Our sons are hurt, resentful, and don't see that their dad is trying in the M, only myself. My son said to me yesterday that he doesn't see any remorse from his dad and he doesn't know how I can even want to try with someone like that. My middle son wants to know why I didn't punish him and why I let him take us down this path financially, to the pt. we can't pay our bills, barely have money to eat, and definitely can't send my middle son to college anymore. Our youngest son wants to know why my H works so much, why does he stay after work and drink with his buddy? I said to him, I didn't know but I was there with him. I explained some of this to my H and his response is that the boys only are complaining for self-serving reasons. I don't see him accepting responsibility that his actions really hurt and harmed others, in part bc he would have to admit he made mistakes. He knows he can't blame his A on me to our sons.

My question is, am I just fooling myself into thinking he really wants to be M to me? Am I not protecting my sons and myself financially and emotionally? Am I being a bad example, or actually a good example of a doormat? I just can't trust my own instincts anymore...

Many thanks for those that read this far and I hope to hear from you.

I don't see the downturn in the telecom business being your husband's fault. As far as the business you bought, he may have been trying to do well for the family. Of course, he should have consulted with you more.

Your son can go to college on a grant or scholarship IF his grades come up.

Now, as far as the marriage, have you done a good Plan A? That is the starting point.

Believer,

Thanks for responding. No, the downturn wasn't his fault, I was explaining my past behavior, which was less than admirable, which contributed to his A. I had/have a lot of guilt over my prior bad acts, and I've worked hard to understand it (goes back to childhood and my parents) in IC, and I've been working to have a good realationship. I didn't know before how to be in a good M, I'm still learning and growing.