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Joined: Nov 2005
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I am new to this site but i'm hoping someone can give me some advice. I have been with my fiance for three years and we have a five month old child together. For the most part our relationship is great. I just recently found out that he and his middle brother were molested by their older brother that is gay. The fact that he is gay is not the problem at all is the molesting. The brother molested them for several years and now my fiance is addicted to porn. He has been watching porn since he was eight. I obviously freaked out b/c I don't know how to deal with this. I talked with the middle brother already about this and he seems to think that their parents knew and kept it a secret. I have never hated anyone, but I despise his family. My fiance is afraid of confronting and causing a scene b/c this has been kept quiet for so long and swept under the rug. I don't to be around nor do I want son around all the lies, deceit and at risk of being sexually abused. What should I do? How do we confront them?

Last edited by junglekat; 11/10/05 08:29 PM.
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Several questions/comments:

o) What exactly do you hope to accomplish by "confronting" anybody? What useful purpose will it serve?

o) What exactly is your fiance doing about getting control of his addiction?

o) You would be foolish to marry this person w/o these issues being addressed.

o) You are wise to keep your son away from these people.

o) What is your fiance's response to your concerns, and what does he think should be done?

I ask these questions because I don't want to make any assumptions about your ultimate purpose, before I say too much.

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First of all thanks for actually responding, that really means alot. I know confrontation would not be the best thing. I do however think my fiance needs to tell him much he has been hurt by this. I know and accept the fact that this is his brother but it feels like his brother has patted on the back for this. As far as staying away from them, that will lead up to some type of confrontation b/c his family will soon ask why. My question is, what do I do?
How can I make this not a negative situation? My fiance has done really well with his addiction. He dosen't want to live that life of secrets and lies. He says he wants to love me the way I deserve to be loved, with respect. My fiance truly understands my concerns but dosen't know what to do. He knows this would cause major problems but I am having a difficult time with this too. I think to myself "what kind of a family would just let this happen and keep it a secret and not get the two victims help." His parents sent his brother, the one that was the molester to therapy several years ago but not my fiance and his other brother that it happened to. I don't want to be around them at all, but what should he say when they ask why? I will look like the bad person destroying the family.

Thanks so much!!!!

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It sounds like the family is in serious denial. Depending on the ages that we're talking about, old-school thinking would ignore the victims in abuse.

I suggest that the two of you, of your own accord, go talk to a therapist and have your fiance evaluated and see. While it's certainly possible that he has put the whole situation behind him, it would be unusual to say the least.

You have to be careful in holding people too accountable. They may be in just as much shock and not knowing what to do. And people's minds have incredible capacities to "cope" and do all kinds of things (sweeping it under the rug, denial, avoidance) as a method of avoiding facing the problem.

You're not doing anybody any good by stirring the pot, but you also need to use wisdom.

So if'n it were me, I'd go to some counseling with my fiance, and see how that goes. It is unfortunately the case that sometimes, abusees become abusers. I would not participate in activities one-on-one with the brother that was the molestor until I was sure the issue was addressed. And the phrase once a pedophile, always a pedophile comes to mind. I wouldn't avoid family get togethers, but I wouldn't go seek them out either. I wouldn't invite the brother to my home, and I would minimize contact no matter what.

As to the parents, perhaps they did wrong in turning a blind eye, but you have to walk a mile in their shoes too.

If the asked, I would just say, "I am not comfortable with my family and I being around brother xyz, due to his past. I am not convinced that the issues have been dealt with, and I am not willing to risk my family on his say-so that things are OK."

You don't have to defend your decision, how yuou feel is you you feel, and the issue is their problem. Don't let it become yours.

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Thanks so much for responding. This has been so difficult for me. Please feel free to give more advice, I definately need it. It helps to release some of my anger by posting this concern of mine. Thanks again so much!!!

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I agree with Jaye a Therapist seems the best way to go with a situation like this emotions are very tight anything can happen, Kind of like you My First respeonse would be to go up to the and just say "What the ******?" and that would probably make everything worse. Your fiance's hurting, a confrontation could either be just the thing or Just the wrong thing. Talk to him about therapy I know it's not good to bottle things up but maybe he just needs to talk to a third party before he's ready. The Fact that you posted here shows you care.

Good Luck and Stay strong
Mike

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What concerns me is that your fiance doesn't seem to know how to deal with his family, and because of that I wouldn't bet that he has come full circle enough with the abuse to be able to make a stance or firm decision/opinion regarding his family.

This isn't your fiance's fault, but it's something that needs resolving or you won't ever feel that your son has a truely capable advocate in his father.

I would not even consider marriage into this family until your fiance has had the proper counseling he should have gotten years ago.

I would follow your maternal instincts, keep your son safe, and if questioned, tell the truth. It sounds like until your fiance figures out a way to communicate effectively with his family about the abuse and his personal boundaries for himself and his new family, you will probably have to be the main advocate for your son.

Sooly


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.

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