I realize this would never work, but man would it be nice for human beings to be able to deal with THE TRUTH like adults. Ain't gonna happen short of heaven. The dog will return to its vomit, and the swine will trample the pearls--and the pearl giver. But it sure is nice to fantasize about.

I can envision the scenario: I sit on his street, waiting for him to drive up to his house. As he approaches his porch, I get out of my truck, carrying a cold 6-pack of our excellent local microbrew. He turns around and starts a little nervously. I smile, say "howdy, XXX. I'm YYY", and lift up my shirt, turning around slowly, to show him nothing's hidden there. He stammers. I extend the 6-pack and say "relax!! Grab a brew. let's shoot the bull a little bit. Wanna sit on your porch, out here in this nice fall air?" We sit down.

[color:"red"]It's good to finally meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you.

[color:"blue"]You too, he says nervously. What brings you up here?

[color:"red"]Well, that's just it. The fact that I've heard so much about you is what brought me here.

[color:"blue"]Hey--please don't think anything. I didn't mean to make you think anything wrong.

[color:"red"]Listen. The reason I came here is because I respect her taste in decent people. It has nothing to do with you.

[color:"blue"]Um, thanks, I mean, yeah, she is, uh, a very nice person isn't she?

[color:"red"]You bet your sweet patootie she is. She's the absolute greatest. That's why I married her.

[color:"blue"]Um, yeah... I know she really loves you...

[color:"red"]I know that too, my friend. I really believe in her. But we have a problem.

[color:"blue"]What do you mean?

[color:"red"]The problem is that you know a lot more about me than I know about you.

[color:"blue"]I'm sorry man--I told her if there was anything I wasn't comfortable hearing, I'd let her know! I just wanted to be her friend--I haven't stepped over any line--

[color:"red"]You should've said "STOP" several times already, but you didn't. You've fed this thing, and I'm here to serve notice that it has to stop.

[color:"blue"](slightly uppity) Well what does SHE say about it?

[color:"red"]She's been a completely different woman since this ramped up. Almost unrecognizable.

[color:"blue"]Umm, what do you mean?

[color:"red"]She's been acting like my 4-year old when he's done something horribly wrong but won't admit it. She's consumed by guilt, and you're the cause.

[color:"blue"]Oh man--take it easy--I know there are two sides to every story--

[color:"red"]I have my share of improving to do. But frankly, it's none of your business. As long as this carries on, she can't be my partner in it, and she sure as heck can't work on herself. I'm tired of you torturing my wife. I'm ready for you to step up and be a man of honor.

[color:"blue"](consternated) What do you want?

[color:"red"]Ramp it down. Cut it off. Kill the terms of endearment. All of them. Even the "twin sister" baloney.

[color:"blue"]But you can't dictate her friends! That's wrong!

[color:"red"]You've never been married, and you know nothing about it. Listen, XXX. This is a real crucible for you. I just gave your inner teenager a little thrill, and at the same time I also gave your inner man a fright, and also the challenge of a lifetime. If the teenager wins, you torture an innocent family--man, woman, and child all. If the man wins, you make an crucial step towards having a wife and kid of your own someday. That's what you want, isn't it?

[color:"blue"]Yeah...

[color:"red"]Let me ask you something. Do you fear God?

[color:"blue"]Well, sure, I guess--

[color:"red"]What are the words said in the wedding vow? "What God has joined together..." what are the rest of them?

[color:"blue"]Let no man put asunder.

[color:"red"]I don't need to argue with you about that man, or what his fate will be. Everybody knows it. Not everybody acts accordingly. Now's your chance to see if you have the stuff to act accordingly. You don't have to fear me. I don't have to take my family with a deadly seriousness, because God already does that for me. I'm a peacemaker, not a destroyer. All I have to do is speak the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I'm not going to control her, you, or anybody. I can control myself, though. And I can have self-respect. So can you, but only if you do the right thing.

I think you do have an honorable man inside you. I'd like to know you someday in a proper context, instead of this one. Maybe we can enjoy these beers in a better setting someday. Do the right thing, friend.

[/color]

I get in my vehicle and drive away.

dude.. you need to chill.. maybe you should communicate with OM, contrary to what MB says.. but unless she's willing to cut it out with the ********, I'm not sure what you will gain except to **********more..and also maybe wind up getting served with a harrassment fine... ain't worth it unless you do it right...

I did send the OM an email after my S told me about the that something happened between them (one night/once) and I sent an email to him that explained in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that my wife and my family are the most important thing to me and that he should refrain from any further contact with my her. I also questioned his values and how he could try to get laid when a 12 year marriage and 3 small children faced him?

Fortunately, he's 1500 miles away and she only ever called or emailed him anyway.. she's chasing a ghost.. trying to fill some hole in her psyche.. (read posts) but it guaranteed that ******** will not respond if she ever weakens and has a relapse, which I'm confident now won't happen.. I also warned that if contact did occur, that he and I would communicate next time in person, at him home or his office and with my foot ********.... probably should not have said that in email.. legal issue... ask a police friend what you can and can't say or write... it's a different world today. Can't even beat a guy's*** for ******* your women...

I was born and raised in a bad place (urban NYC area) and I've seen things people only watch in horror movies see on the Sopranos.. The punk-****** OM comes from middle-america (Great Lakes) and either laughed me off nervously, doesn't really give a rats ***either way.. or got unnerved and took it to heart.. I suspect he just doesn't care.. how could he?****-him.. Oh.. I may have ended the note with a little PS suggesting that his mother take care of his ED problem...

TRANSLATION FOR YOU COUNTRY FOLKS - GO *****YOUR MOTHER..
Get's em every time..

Meatslave - Just think about how W will take it if you do it since no sex has occured and they just talk.. It's so.. highschool-ish.. don't you think?

WHY is she punishing you? If she knows it bothers you, why is she hurting you? Doesn't make sense. I'm sorry but I didn't read other posts..

Hang tough brother and don't ever do anything stupid.... Keep your pride, stay out of jail.. and be a man..

Actually, I'm wondering if it might be a good strategy for when she NEEDS to get pissed off. That time could come.

Part of the issue is how they're playing around the edges. Doing something like this would either shame him enough to help cut it off, or his pride would rage against the same and he'd ramp it up past the edge.

So, it's a Russian Roulette maneuver. But man, would I love to watch the expressions on his face as I did him calmly and cooly. Showed him bollocks like he's never seen.

If he actually kept it under his hat that I'd talked to him, he'd HAVE to ramp it down, he wouldn't have a choice.

Douse conscience with lighter fluid, strike match, flick, stand back, watch. That's really the problem-- people are too volatile to be able to deal with the plain facts in a consistenly honorable fashion, especially when it comes to infidelity.

It'd almost be a shame to kick his ***. He's not evil, he's just a dope. It'd be an empty thrill.

hey... what's with the change of handle/screen name?

Can I do that now that I've royally pissed off a few "sensitive" members..

;-)

Chasid,

You did not finish the story. I need to know...

Do you leave the remaining beers or take them with you???
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W

waterman- I guess it's because getting cheated on changed my identity. just took a few weeks to sort it out. Now I'm into the paradigm I'll need to try that old plan A.

MrWondering,
I think I'll leave him the beer. The better to guilt him with. Or, get him buzzed so he calls up the old lady and invites her over. Not sure which.

Hey.. at least you know who/what he is and what you're up against..

All I get to go on is what my W says about him.. considering the Fog, the Depression and the Addiction, how could I ever know who and what he is really is. She keeps a picture (actually 2) pictures of him in her diary.. and from the trip where the PA/incident occurred.. Is that messed up or what?

Like I'm sure he's not really a bad guy for trying to have sex after not seeing her after what, 12 years, and knowing she's been married for 12 years with 3 small kids.. then trying to get laid... .What, he must be a man of great character, no?? FOG is not the word for it.. ;-/

wait.. I thought she's in an EA!!! Did it advance to a PA? She technically hasn't cheated yet.. if still EA, no?

Although my wife probably wouldn't qualify as clinically depressed or otherwise afflicted, she has personal issues which closely approximate it--i.e. guilt and angst. Those were preexisting the EA in a big way. The EA itself has turned her into a completely different person. When your beloved suddenly begins blowing you off and not wanting to be called, asked about daily doings, etc., that's cheating.

FOG is definitely inadequate to describe it sometimes. In her case, she's convinced that he's too noble to actually do anything inappropriate with her (guilt mixed with self esteem issue?), all the while carrying it on harder and harder. She doubts herself though.

It's a twisted thing-- "I'm in love with another man, but he's too noble to cross the boundary-- I just KNOW it-- (but I really hope he does... and he kinda is already...)" it's a freaking adolescent mindgame.

Probably the only way she will make it out is to crash and burn completely. She'll have to discover, the hard way, that he ISN'T noble. He WILL slip, and she'll slip. And they'll PA. And then her false image of him will be destroyed-- "hey, he really IS a homewrecker!" and then, FINALLY, the personal guilt will become REAL instead of being evaded.