Okay, I'm really confused here. I sent a letter to my mom about six weeks ago or so. I haven't heard a thing from her since then about what she thought about the letter, nothing. When I was at my dad and stepmom's house on Saturday before labor day my stepmom had told me that my sister said that my mom was really hurt by this letter but my stepmom told my sister that it was between me and my mom, Thanks stepmom, I'm glad she's on my side through all of this and is helping to turn my dad around slowly.<P>Here's what I'm confused about: We got an email from her today. Here is what it said.....<P>I was working on some financial stuff and realized that today is already<BR>September 28. Which of course means I missed a birthday and anniversary<BR>yesterday. I really can't believe it is already the end of September. Hope<BR>you both had a great day. I'm sure my missing it didn't diminish the day at<BR>all.<P>I have an outfit I bought a couple of weeks ago for Chrissy for school. I<BR>will attempt to get it in the mail this week or next. Time just moves too<BR>fast for me.<P>Hope everyone there is fine. Give Chrissy a hug from me. Thanks<P>Is she just being considerate because it was our anniversary and ES birthday yesterday or is that way of making me feel guilty for the letter I sent? Maybe she is pretending to ignore the letter like I never sent it and that maybe after time I won't mean what I said in the letter? This is the first and only thing she has sent since I sent her the letter. I haven't tried to make any contact with her either, not by phone, letter, email, or going to her house. <P>What should I think of this? should I just delete it and continue to rebuild my marriage or should I respond with something and continue to rebuild my marriage? I just feel that if I respond to it she will try to take advantage of the situation and will wreck the progress my H and I have made.<P>Help!!!

hopeful<BR>Another possibility is that she read the letter, took some time to digest it and this is a tentative way of reaching out.<BR>Maybe she was afraid to make the first step after the letter. The special occasion gave her an excuse to begin contact again.<BR>Don't try to read too much into it. If you want to resume the relationship do it on your terms. Make sure that you don't let it interfere with your rebuilding. <BR>The only way to know what she is feeling is to find out from her. But first and foremost you must concentrate on your marriage and what the two of you need.<BR>I f you respond do it with your newfound strength and conviction. I know it's there.<BR>Tough road. I remember teaching my mother that I was a great person even though I wasn't what she wanted me to be.<BR>You can Do it!!!!!

Perhaps she is a conflict avoider, and would rather change the subject?<P>I didn't read any kind of guilt trip into the letter.<P>Hopeful, maybe your mom is just afraid of true communication. Has she had her nose rubbed in dirt before? Maybe she is gun shy?<P>Hope your anniversary and ES birthday was a good one. Congratulations.

Hi Hopeful -<P>Happy Anniversary to you!!<P>(Gotta say it on your thread too!!!)<P>I can't remember if the letter you wrote your Mom ended with a need for a response or not from her. Did it or was it just a matter of fact statement kind of thing?<P>It could be any of the above mentioned reasons. I would either take it at face value and respond with a simple Thank You for the well wishes and our occasions were very enjoyable. We are all healthy and doing well. Or else don't respond at all.<P>Whatever you feel more comfortable with.<P>Don't read into things though....if she wants to say something then let her come out and say it.....otherwise be blind to anything other than what she wrote exactly.<P>Hope this helps<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<BR> <BR>No the letter didn't end with a please respond to this letter in anyway shape or form. My mom is usually the type of person who if someone said something she didn't agree with she usually responds. I told her I thought she didn't like my H and she jumped saying that she never said that. She always likes to be right and if someone proves her wrong she has to change her story trying to say she never said something or did something so that she looks more "right" I expected a response of some sort even if it was an email saying that she thought my feelings were all wrong and that she didn't do anything to make me feel that way,<P>This email just surprised me that's all. My H even realized that my mom couldn't even say his name in the email and wish him personally a happy birthday. I guess my mom is not going to change for anything even after my letter.

Hi Hopeful -<P>Did she mention you by name or just your daughter?<P>I, actually think that she must have been giving some thought to what you wrote to her....she didn't tell you that you were wrong, did she? <P>All I see is a little "poor me" references like with "the anniversary and birthdays passing without her".<P>That's a little manipulative push for some "oh mom, We miss you...blah, blah," but other than that, she behaved differently from what you describe her previous behavior as.<P>I have no idea why though, could be she is actually seeing that you are grown and going on your own thoughts and feelings now. Or it could be that she's brewing up something .....<P>Doesn't matter!! Just keep on the course you are on and you will not be effected by anything from her.<P>So, what is your inclination? To respond lightly or not at all?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba -- Hi. Just wanted to thank you for the birthday and anniversary cards. We both appreciate it.<P>As fo the letter MIL wrote . . .hopeful copied the ENTIRE letter into her post. The only name she used was our daughters.<P>I don't know what to think about it, and hopeful is still trying to decide. The response, or lack of a response, is really very uncharacteristic.<P>Anyway, thanks again for the cards.<P>God Bless

If your M changes stories, and always has to be right - that is because she is afraid to be wrong.<P>Sounds like conflict avoidance to me.<P>TNT

Sheba<P>I think all I'm going to send a thank you but say nothing much more than that. I reaaly don't think a war over the air waves of email would be healthy for the progress my H and I have made.

I think that's a good idea, Hopeful!!<P>No need for anything but Thanks.<P>Don't let her reel you into anything more.....<P>Oh and tell ES that you're welcome for the cards and I hope that you both had a wonderful day!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hopeful,<P>I think that since she didn't mention your letter, or say anything negative about it, that she is trying to swallow her pride and go on without mentioning it. Maybe she is not the type of person who can apologize easily, and this is her way of letting you know that she wants to move past this... She didn't have to acknowledge empty's birthday, but she did (even tho she didn't say his name, she still acknowledged him). And, she is trying to find out if you missed her at all when she wasn't involved in your celebrations (by saying 'I guess it didn't diminish the day by me not being there...'). I really think she is trying to say give me another chance. I hope so. Good luck, and let us know how the response goes.<P> tamis

I did respon to my mom's email today, basically saying thank-you for the anniversary wish and that I'm sure our daughter will enjoy the outfit. I didn't say a thank-you to her about my H's birthday because I thought if he wanted to say thank-you he could type it himself. <P>Tamis - just so you know, our anniversay and H's birthday were the same day, (9/27).<P>I understand that this may be her way of wanting to move own with things, but I feel that if we are going to have a relationship she is going to have to acknowledge the letter some time, and I feel that she will have to start calling my H by his first names as well. If she can't acknowledge him then we can't form a relationship because she has to be willing to accept him as my H and that we are a family. Am I wrong for feeling this way?????

Dear Hopeful, <P>No you aren't wrong. I think you emailed her very nicely. She is responsible for her own choices. <P>We have an obligation to honor our father and mother. <P>You seem to be such a sincere person, and so deep. I would imagine this distance between you and M is hard to bear.<P>

trustntruth - It isn't easy not talking to my mom but I also realize that the first two people I have to make happy is myself and my H. I also realize that I have to honor my mother and father but right now she is making it very hard to honor her when she flat out doesn't like my H and refuses to call him or invite him to anything unless it's convinent for her or she can get something out of him, like help on her computer or something moved. Its a pain in the neck sometimes especially since my sisters are right there close to where she lives and they are always doing what she thinks is best for them. My sister even calls mommy when she or her son is sick. She had our mom sitting in the ER one night with her and her son because she didn't want to sit there by herself with her son. How can I compete with them doing everything she says or does?

hopeful,<P>I think you're right about that- if she can't even call your husband by his name and give him respect, then you are doing right by putting him and your daughter first. don't worry about what your sisters do- feel sorry for them that they can't handle their own lives. You don't have to compete with them, you've already won. You're a grown-up, and they're not. Be proud.