Hey Guys! This is a new thread for another post under the title "Newbie's". We are all at or approaching 1 year and we have been talking since shortly after our d-days. We are 1 year into recovery, but decided to stay in our familiar "Just found out" board. Anyone is welcome to jump in! We love visitors!

Anyway, guys, my H closed his first deal today...blessing. Tonight he went to a networking function about a good 1 1/2 hours from here. He was due back at 8:30. Well, he just called to tell me that it went great! But that he is going to grab a bite to eat with the girl who invited him to the event and then he'll be home. I chatted with "said girl" briefly as I have known her for years and we went to her wedding.

I hung up with H quite happy for him and then about 30 seconds later, it melted into saddness. That is what used to happen in my life ALL THE TIME. He'd call when he was due home with some story about why he was going to be late and I was always understanding and supportive. So now I feel lousey.

Anyway, that's where I am right now.

Later
2

Hi 2,

Lousey week for me, but I have decided not to write about it right now. I will tell you that tomorrow is the night they slept together last year. This sounds stupid, but I wanted to be skinny on that night, so that he could claim that night with me as "the most beautiful woman" he ever knew. So, now I am depressed about not meeting my goal(but on a good note, I have lost about 16 lbs) AND the fact that he wrecked the sanctity of our marriage that night.

I have a personal question for you all...do not feel obligated to answer it...or if you would rather email me about it..go ahead. Anyway, when you are being intimate, do you still get flashbacks? My H has told me that he really has never gotten any flashbacks to those nights with her while we were being intimate, and I tell him...Gosh, I do...and I wasn't even there! I had them in the beginning and then they went away, but recently they have come back( I assume b/c of the time of year). I push through them, but I almost want to break down and cry. I know they will fade again, but I was just wondering if I am the only one.

Anyway, glad to see our new thread up and running. I am sad that at one year, though, our first two posts have some sadness in them. I guess that is what life will be like...actually, I guess that is how life always is.

TTYL!

True

Today is one-year from when I found the log of the IM betw my W and the OM. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. I yelled so loud my dog came running in to see what was wrong. Dogs...about the only creature you can really trust on this planet. Interesting.

Tomorrow will be one-year since I confronted her with what I found. Sad days they were.

True, concerning your question...the flashbacks of her and him are fading some, but what I find more often is me feeling like the only reason she is intimate with me is to "keep me". Not b/c she "wants" me. Probably more in my head though than what is reality.

And 2, I don't want to hear anything from you about MC.

Sorry Rocked. I hope you do something GREAT for yourself today. You deserve it because you are a good man who has been faithful to his wife even after this and because you have continued to try to love your wife as the Lord calls us to do. Really, Rocked. Please do something great for yourself in the next couple of days.

Actually True, I get flashbacks often and I wonder if that is why all of a sudden, I not only have no interest in sex, but I cringe at the thought of sex with my H right now. It started about 3 weeks ago, right around the time of all this change. Normally stress makes me horny, but the other night we did and all I could think about was "please hurry up! I so do NOT want to be here right now." I guess I hope it will go away. If it is still happening in a couple of weeks, I probably will discuss it with my MC. Rocked, I'm only doing what you asked which was to stay on you about MC.

Anyway, I'm off to meet the people in my new company today. Honestly I'm very nervous. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back.

2

2, make sure you don't get "stressed" while you meet the people in your new company. HA.

Congrats to 2's H!

Sorry 2 you are feeling that way and you too True and Rocked.

Yes, this has been a sad few weeks here at my home too. H had a union meeting Tuesday night and for some reason it made me extremely nervous. He came home telling me all about the meeting and then how much he loved me. I wished I could have soaked it all up.

He goes to school all day, comes straight home, loves on me, helps me, and is with me all weekend soI hope this feeling of impending doom will release itself soon.

I have been having bad dreams . I must have woke my H up the other night several times. Dreaming of his Mother (whom passed away almost 5 years ago). I didn't see her, just her presence was so strong. She was a great MIL and loved me dearly.

I'm hoping this is just due to the what this month represents.

2, yes talk to your MC about the "cringing" thing. That's tough.

Hope you all have a better day,

holiday

Met with my new company. Glad I will be busy with this gig so I can't stay sad for long.

Rocked, please share with the group what you did nice for yourself. Does your wife know that it is your d-day? Did you remind her?

2

Haven't done anything nice for myself. My question...really, what is the point of that anyway? I could do 100 nice things for myself but still feel depressed and angry inside. (Plz, no MC talk)

2, when you go to the Spa does it fix the feelings you have, or just "cover them over"?

Had a bad day yesterday. Would appreciate your prayers.

Hey Rocked,

I feel for you, man. I am sorry your day was rough.

Today is the one year day that my H slept with the OW. It is not the actual date, but the day of the week. As I have said before, this is what has really bothered me. So far, I am doing ok. I am off to run errands today and their are some long drive/"think" times involved. Please pray for me also.

I told my H the same thing last night when I got into a big disagreement about something that happened when I first found out. I told him, what is the point of talking to you about the A(and why I was upset)...it won't changed what happened. It is funny, in the beginning of all of this, he just wanted the talking to stop, he wanted it to just be over...now, he is trying to PULL out information from me. I have tried to just stop talking to him about it...heck, it is what everybody says you have to do...and now I get "in trouble" for not sharing. There is no way to win.

Anyway, if I do not get to talk to you guys again...have a nice weekend. I will try. Hopefully, the shopping that I am doing will cover up any bad feelings I have. My MC told me that the pain will always be there to an extent, BUT I can also move on. It is not a this OR this sitch. Both things are not mutally exclusive. I think, Rocked, that is what 2 is saying. Do something for yourself, not b/c the pain/anger will go away...but that it will coexist with happiness and hope. It is sad that we have to live with both...but that is life.

Love to you all.

True

Nice way of putting it True. Do something nice for yourself because heck Rocked! You deserve it! Does it make the pain go away? NOPE! But I sure do enjoy the moment and I am at least entitled to that on such a crappy day as d-day. Get my point? Now go do something nice for yourself! If you don't, who will?

Rocked you didn't tell us if your wife knows that yesterday was D-day for you and what if anything she has said or done to acknowledge how painful this day/week is for you. Please share.

Last night as I was cleaning up my desk for the new job, I came across the phone bills from last year. I had saved about 2 months of his phone bills right around this time last year. Why? I guess to torture myself. But I decided to throw all but 1 page away just so I have her cell phone number in case it pops up on his new phone. Looking it over mad me sadder than I have felt in a long time. I felt like the day I first discovered them, totally sad to the core of my being. But once I threw them away and went back to what I was doing (straightening up my desk) the saddness left as quickly as it had come. There is something to be said for keeping busy. So tonight I go scrapbooking which is my favorite way to keep busy and indulge myself. I'm sure if it crosses my mind it will only be for a moment and I will have a great time.

You guys have a great weekend.
2

She knows the DDay date and has tried to remain sensitive. Choosing to do lunch with her female boss yesterday instead of me sent me over the edge. It wasn't a biggy in reality but anything that smacks of "selfish" reminds me of that ultimate selfish act she committed for almost a year.

I don't think I could ever end the marriage but if I could we'd be at that "crossroads" right now.

She brought me roses today at my office.

Things are going better. Thanks for the prayers.

Glad to hear it Rocked, but I wish you'd share more details. I'm still in the same place I described earlier...lost all interest in sex.

Scrapbooking last night proved a little difficult. After my girlfriend left and it was just me, I was overcome with this terrible saddness. That happens sometimes looking back at pictures when I was clueless about what was going on. Either how happy I thought I was, or how my entire life had been ripped apart and yet, I appear happy in these photos...what a facade. I came home at midnight to find him still up and decided to continue my scrapbooking so I wouldn't have to go to bed at the same time. Was up till 2am...saddness was so deep.

Anyway, glad you are better. I wouldn't say I'm in a bad place...I mean we are getting a long well. I'm just realizing that my love for him will never be the same, that my dream has died and when I used to feel so happy living my dream...now I just feel like I'm living...how disappointing.

Anyway, Monday is supposed to be my first day of work. I'll check in when I get a chance and let you know how all is going.

Blessings!
2

Hi guys.

Well, yesterday went better than I suspected. I was busy all day so that helped. It went downhill after the shopping was done and I saw a sign that read, " Find your sole mate." Obviously the sign was not talking about what I thought of, but it just put this incredible sadness into my heart. I had the same sadness the other day when I was looking at this Irish jewelery and their was a piece that was supposed to represent soulmates. I just cried. I would have loved it before, feeling that it represented both my H and I and our wonderful trip to Ireland. Now, it is a sad reminder that I no longer believe that my soulmate exists and that the wonderful trip to Ireland was nothing but lies on my H's part. I do not know if you guys believe in the concept of soulmates, but I did..and still do to a degree. I am just saddened to know that my H did not turn out to be my true one. I say that b/c I believe that your true soulmate would never do something like that. The bond between you would just be too great.

After that sign, the night sunk into anger and depression and incredible sorrow. I was like you 2, I did not even want my H to touch me. Then it became, let him do what he wants...he already raped me emotionally, why not add physically. Luckily, he saw that I was upset and stopped and held me and told me how sorry he was. I didn't really want to hear it, but was glad he did. Today I woke up feeling much better, until I remember the letter he wrote her the Sat. after their first time. I will never forget the emotion expressed in that one letter. What really bothers me about it is that he has told me time and time again that he did not have feelings like that for her until the END of the A, but there is solid proof that he did. It was not just sex in the beginning like he has always claimed. He is still in denial about that.

Rocked, I am glad things are looking better. I agree with 2. You need to share. OK...you don't HAVE to, but we are here for you and hope that you know that we will help you in any way we can.

2, I am so happy you have a job to keep you occupied. Those sessions of looking at old pictures really stir up the emotions for me too. I was looking at our Christmas collage the other day, and realized that there is a picture on there of my youngest daughter taken by my H about an hour before he went and ***ked the OW(sorry for the language). How can you take pictures of your children when you know you are about to go do something so wrong?

Anyway, hope all of you have a great night, and tomorrow.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Guys,

Rocked, we are back! What did we decide on the bet against USC? We decided tonight to host a party for the game...something we always do when for one reason or another we don't go to the game. Won't go to this one because it is USC's home game and it is such a bad part of town, I fear for my life over there.

Anyway, True, we are so in the same place right now. I haven't cried...find that I don't cry much over ANYTHING anymore. I've learned to keep it together even when I feel like I'm falling apart. What a sad behavior to have learned.

Anyway, I never felt my H was my soulmate. My high school sweetheart/nightmare was my soulmate...really not just because he was my first love. We were too young and immature for such a serious relationship and we hurt each other constantly. NO cheating, but lots of cruel things when we were pissed off for one reason or another. We dated 5 years. I still love him and after the A thought about trying to find him often. But I know better and I have no guarentees that he feels/felt the same. I ended it after 5 years because of escalating physical abuse. Smart move on my part because it could have ended very badly.

Anyway, soulmates are human like everyone else and hurt each other...probably worse in some way. My High school nightmare knew exactly how to push my buttons because we were so connected. It started out great and like my marriage turned into a nightmare.

My H is my opposite. My high school nightmare was me as a dude. We were so alike it was scary and I thought that is why we didn't make it. So I married my opposite believing that would work forever. How wrong.

My saddness is strong and that is all it is. I don't get angry, I don't get emotional (crying), I just feel so sad. Well, guys, I think this is normal for the one year. I want to believe it will get better. But when you consider it has been a year and we feel so lousey, how can we have faith in the future? Again, I feel so sad my life has ended up this way.

Chat later!
2

Bad night. Got completely drunk out of my mind and I'm paying for it today. Had a glass of wine with dinner and the next thing I knew I had drank a bottle. My H and I watched a movie after the kids went to bed (Crash - excellent film) and afterward I went to bed, he stayed up to prepare for the Sunday school class he teaches and has been doing several months after d-day.

Anyway, I fell into bed and bawled like a baby. I didn't realize I was loud enough for my H to hear me. He came up about 10 minutes later and held me and kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I'd had too much to drink and I was sorry and I was sure he didn't want to hear what I had to say especially in this state. Well, he kept telling me he could take it so I told him how horrible I felt all the time. That I'm never really happy when all the activity dies down. I told him that I wished he had run off with her because that is exactly what we each deserved...him to be unhappy with her and me to be free. I kept telling him how I wished I could be free.

There is a lot I said that I can't really remember right now. It seemed like he was holding me for about 20 minutes or so...I really don't know. Then I told him I was sorry I was drunk and I was sorry to have distrubed him. I told him to let me sleep it off and I'd go back to pretending to be happy in the morning. After urging him to let me sleep it off several times, he left me to do just that.

This morning I feel awful...stomach is upset and tired. Couldn't join my family at church. What a loser am I!

The only thing he said about it this morning was "are you hurting?" (referring to being hung over) and I said "Yep!" and that was it. Of course he left for church, it isn't noon yet and he may bring it up later. Knowing him, I doubt it.

So that is where I am today. Won't do that again. I feel worse than before.

2

Hi Godhelpme2,

I am sorry you are feeling bad. Lots of water and two tylenol might help. After a heart rending session like that, I am sure your hubby is asking for forgiveness this morning. I don't think it does any harm to show him - how much he has hurt you.

I hope you have a better day, maybe just coffee tonight?

Cheers,

PB

Hi 2,

Oh my...you will NOT believe this, but after I wrote last night...I did the same thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. Whole bottle of blackberry wine plus three flavored beers. I do not drink normally...but I was pretty drunk. I told my H some horrible things too. I remember almost everything I said, and it is not like he has not heard most of it before, but I cried and cried. It is funny though...he really wanted me to tell him that I hated him(he is positive that I am hiding this fact from him), but I told him, it doesn't matter how much alcohol I have in me, I still love him. I was just so sad yesterday, and I have not really showed him how sad I can be anymore, so he was taken back by that I am sure. He even said if he knew that I was going to get sad, then he wouldn't have let me drink. The thing is it doesn't matter if I am drunk or not...I have just been sad this weekend.

I have also learned to "hold it together" even when I am in great pain, but only when I am in front of people. It IS a sad skill to have to learn, but I still cry when I am by myself.

Last week, it was my H. Saturday is the night we usually have a glass of sake as we watch our Japanese anime...I know, silly. Last week he drank almost the whole bottle. I don't know if you guys have ever had it, but it has about double the alcohol than regular wine. He cried and cried last weekend, and told me that I should hate him, and how awful he feels. This week, he did not have any sake, b/c of how awful he felt afterward. I did not feel bad today. The one useful thing the OW did was tell my H was how to avoid a hangover(I think she was an alcoholic...honestly). You just drink lots of water. I also took two tylenol before I went to sleep and then again when I woke up. Paradise told you correctly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you ever wished that you could just run away from it all? I have felt like just leaving and never coming back. I never would...but sometimes it feels like no one will ever listen to me, and I just need to get away. Maybe I will head to some deserted island for a week or something...wouldn't THAT be nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, it is not the best night for me again...but no alcohol for awhile...I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Well, hope everyone else had a good weekend.

TTYL!

True

Oh...I also saw Crash. I also thought it was an excellent movie.

Only now at 8:30pm am I starting to feel better. I'm a light weight drinker, because I don't drink often. The whole bottle really did me in.

My H still hasn't said anything to me about it today. I've been cold and distant. MC tomorrow instead of Tuesday...scheduling conflict.

Won't drink for awhile here either. How strange that we both did the same thing True...maybe we are soulmates! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, good luck being happy everyone.
2

"Hi, my name is Rocked. I'm a non-drinker. I know it's not good for me, and the consequences can be devestating, but for some reason I keep not-drinking."

"It started out when I was young, not drinking small amounts. But as I got older and hung out with less-wild crowds it grew almost out of control to not-drinking larger amounts. Please don't think less of me. I wish I could overcome this, but I can't."

"My only antidote has been to not-drink lots of water and not-take a few pills. Sounds silly, but it has worked for me."

"The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that my soulmate is still out there. If we ever find each other we may just not-drink ourselves into Nirvana."

(P.S.- I lv u ladies. Did you actualy expect anything else outta ol'e Rocked?)