Hey Guys,

gone most of yesterday and some of the things you discussed while I was away are very relevant. I told my H in a long talk last night that he had to try harder. That things weren't working, that I wasn't happy. I told him I couldn't promise him I'd feel 100% better if he did work harder, but I said you can't try to love me the same way you used to because I am not the same person I used to be. I told him that having him "throw me a bone" every now and then wasn't going to work anymore. I needed so much more and he was failing.

He told me that he was doing the best he could, that my new needs were unrealistic and that in a lot of the little things he does now, I should see he loves me. I almost threw up hearing him say that because that is EXACTLY what I told him about our marriage after I learned of his A. I did my best, his needs were unrealistic and I showed him love in the things he took for granted. So now I'm thinking "Now what?" this isn't going to work. And I told my H "this isn't working. So you have to try harder or this marriage won't make it. Your decision."

Of course he was completely frustrated. He spent the entire 40 minute conversation standing in the doorway of the room. I never even looked at him. He started getting mad and I was like whatever "I'm going to sleep".

So today I've been thinking a lot about what he said and you know what? I disagree with him. He said he is doing the best he knows how. Then you know what? Learn something new. Pick up a relationship book, log onto a relationship website, get some romantic ideas from someone who he knows treats his wife wonderfully. Don't just stand in the doorway and say "I've done the best I can"...because you haven't.

Before I discovered the A my H had a long list of things he wanted from me. He wanted me to dress nicer and spend more time and money on my hair and nails. He wanted me to give him more "free time with friends" outside of work (yeah right!). I changed. I'm down right stunning now...just ask Holiday! (ha!)

So I want him to be more romantic, I want more time spent doing something, not just sitting in a room together watching football. I want more "token" gifts of appreciation. I want more. Is that wrong of me? Like I said, I've changed, I am no longer going to be content to sit at home night after night while I watch the kids and do his laundry. I want to be made to feel special. The way I see it, he goes through seasons or periods of saying "OK, I need to do something nice for the W" and he does. But on a day to day basis, I still feel I get very little from him. I made all of that very clear to him last night...and the night before. So far, nothings changed. He didn't come over and kiss me before he left for work today...didn't hug me when he came home for a minute. He was content, just like before to scream "good-bye" as he walked out the door. Does that sound like he is doing EVERYTHING he can? Far from it.

I hate that I am high maintance never satisfied wife. I feel he created me and he needs to learn to tame me.

I kept reminding him that I don't know how to love him. I've never had to love anyone who betrayed me, decieved me, lied to me, disrespected me, humilated me, left me and cheated on me before. So you know what? I don't know how to love him. I told him that. I said "I'm trying, but I really don't know how. I hope each morning when I wake up that my heart will change, but then I realize I still can't even look at you and I realize, I don't know how to love you." All he said is "I'm doing the best I can."

So that is where we are. I have a busy day with work and a sick kid. I'll try to check in later. I feel so exhausted today.

Welcome WhoMe. Don't listen to Rocked (ever!), you are welcome to be a BRUIN fan here. Rocked did we ever decide on a bet? Game is coming up.
2

2, I sure hope you're joking about "not listening" to me...ever. There are many other threads who are dying to have a funny, sensitive, caring, Chippendale dancer in their group of "peeps".

As far as the bet. I say it's a free steak dinner if I win.

WhoMe, you gotta take 2 with a grain of salt. She's a neat person but here judgement of handsome white men is severely lacking.

Oh, and BTW 2, I intentionally left off the "what if you win the bet" side of the deal cuz...well...it just ain't gonna happen. No use wasting the time to type up anything.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Who, thanks for sharing your story.

What do I get if I win? I hate steak!

So my STUPID H just sent me flowers. And I know you are all going to say, "he's sorry, he's trying!" But you know what? That is the "bone" I feel he throws me every once in awhile. If I was a priority, wouldn't he have sent them for my first day of work or after my event as a congratulations? Not because I'm pissed off and he is now scrambling to do something to make me feel better. And if I tell him that he'll say "Your a moving target. Nothing I do is right." And I've started to think that maybe he is right. Maybe he can't fix this. I've heard it from my MC, our pastor, and people here on Marriage Builders say "some marriages cannot recover from this." Maybe because of my bad history seeing my parents marriage, I cannot get past this. I am trying...God knows I am. But so far, it has not worked.

2

If not steak, then what? Salad? Sushi? Scrapbooking party?

2, I truly am sorry you are in your spot with your H. It does sound to me like he is forever guilty in your mind with no chance of parole. Do you so want out of your marriage that you are convincing yourself he is no good and that you are unable to love him?

I don't want out of the marriage. I want my dream back, to be loved, to love and to live happily ever after. I don't know how to love him anymore. I guess I never realized how conditional my love for him was. But I'm realizing it now. With conditions compromised, how do I love again?

I'll tell you what. How about I get you a gift certificate to some steak house by you and you get me a gift certificate to my favorite scrapbook spot. I'll do that!
2

2,
My MC just told me the other day that probably the only "love" relationship that cannot be unconditional is the relationship between a man and a woman. We DO have conditions to be met. We like to believe that the love will be there no matter what, but you also expect your spouse/partner to be faithful and loyal and honest. However, I also think that all relationships have some conditions, we just choose to ignore them b/c the person not meeting those conditions may be our fathers, mothers, kids, etc. BUT there are some people who don't do that either...look at all the estranged families. So, again, there is that word CHOICE. You either choose to move on even though the condition has not been met, or you choose to remove yourself. I think what has gotten me through those times that I cannot love is the fact that I really view my H as one of the members in my family. I cannot imagine being estranged from them, no matter what they did. Heck, my brother/SIL AND my father are all republicans and I still love them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />..HA! Seriously, my H has been in my life longer than my little brother, how could I not see him as a permanent fixture. I think part of what allowed him to have the A(and may allow him to have another one) is that he knows I feel that way, and HE feels that way. He does not see us apart, b/c we are family. That is where the unconditional part comes...with choice.

I think I have said this. It is not that you do not know HOW to love him, it is that you are not ALLOWING yourself to love him. If you love him as a friend now, it CAN grow. You are not feeling love b/c your expectations ARE unrealistic(yes, just as his were..he was choosing to not allow your love in also). He may be only responding to what you are saying(and I have told my H the same things you posted here also), but if you beat him down about it, why would he ever do it again unprompted?

My father always showed my mom that he was thinking of her in some way by these little things. I never realized it, but I wanted that too. I hardly ever got that from my H. I hated that he did not just do things out of the blue, and for me, that was a lovebuster. He has had to relearn that. Sometimes he does good, and sometimes not. If I choose to dwell on the times that he doesn't do it, I go to the place where you are now and say how can I stay in a marriage where my H does not show me love...BUT if I look at how my H does show me love, I see that in HIS way, he is telling me how special and wonderful I am. It is hard to accept his way when I really want my own(b/c heck, he had a fricking A and should be doing things MY way now), but again that is a choice.

Anyway, I know you have heard this all before. Sometimes, it is good to be hit with it again.

Hope your day is better. I am off to have a girls day out with my daughters.

TTYL!!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2... I think he's trying the best "he" knows how. Cut some slack here, please.



Is this what he was like prior to the A? If so, you could have been resenting him well before now.

I have these same issues with my H. Do you realize that alot of men (probably Rocked too), don't think they accomplish the "romantic" task after doing so? Then they give up.

I think flowers because you were upset is the best he "thought" he could do at the time. Men just aren't created the way women want them to be and vise versa. Keep letting him know your needs, but don't dog on him once he does it.

Hope your baby feels better.

I am tiling more today (will it ever end!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

holiday

Who, I will read your post more carefully, but I am confused on why you didn't put any effort into your marriage prior to the A.

A-ha moment. My H and I were discussing the events of the last few days and how my expectations have changed etc. He said "....I do these things so that you'll know I love you and care about you." And as I heard him say that, it felt so empty inside of me. And I realized that I don't believe him. I don't believe he loves me or cares about me.

Just a few days ago I was telling my mother that...that I didn't believe he loves me. And hearing him say it I realized that I don't and that is why I'm so sad, and feel unfilled in my marriage and feel so needy all of a sudden.

I don't know why I don't believe it. I don't know if it is because he isn't trying hard enough, or if it is too soon after the A, or if it is too late. Did I feel loved BECAUSE he was loyal and faithful to me? Because if that was the case, then I will never feel loved by him again. Then what? It is all so complicated...Really!

True, I heard you say that your H is a part of your family and you can't imagine life without him. I hear you because I met my H when he was 19 and my family "adopted" him as all of his family was in Chicago and rarely came to visit. I know my family feels that way about him. But I don't. I saw my parents stay together for all the wrong reasons, the kids, religion, that's just what people did...I always said NEVER! I will not live in a loveless marriage for any reason because I don't want to end up like my parents...divorced after 32 years, angry, bitter and too late to do anything differently. So although his presence would be missed, he can be replaced...there is no polite way to say that. ******, isn't that what he did to me for a year?

Anyway, am I in this alone? Do you all feel your spouse loves you? I wonder sometime if it is my H monotone voice that make me "feel" nothing behind his words. After d-day when he fell on the ground and grabbed my feet and begged me not to leave him, I "believed" him that he was sorry and that he loved me. But now all the "I love you" comments that come without much emotion, I don't believe. Yes, that is how he has always been, but that is how I interpet it now.

So we are talking and getting alone better than a few days ago, but ultimately, that is how I feel. And yes I told him and he said he understood and was sorry I felt that way. Then I got up and emptied the dishwasher.

2

2, what would you have if you took two people, one born and grew in a home with a resentful, bitter, angry Mother (towards her man), and a wayward Father? and one born and grew in a home with a doting (splg?), child could do no wrong Mother and a disappearing Father.

Perhaps, neither of you learned (and I believe we learn by witness, until old enough to decide to make change) "how to love".

I feel this is something your MC should have tapped in on especially in IC.

Maybe a new MC would be advisable at this point. Perhaps your present MC could only get you this far. Now you need to work on things of your deep past, with a new perspective. Just a thought?

I will pray that God shows you both the way. H to be able to find a way back in your heart and for God to find a way for you to open your heart.

Peace,
holiday

Although the childhood theory is good in counseling practice, it always has its exceptions, Holiday....my H and I were both brought up in families where mother/father were about as normal as can be and have been together since they were all very young. In fact my whole extended family has a record of marrying h.s. sweethearts. My H's family has very little divorce in it as well. So, from our family histories we should be a well rounded couple who love and are devoted to each other. Like I said, there is always the exception.

2, to answer your question. Do I feel loved by my H? yes and no. I think I also could feel him trying harder in the beginning and could feel a genuine desperation to keep me in his life. It always amazed me that he could show such desperation to keep the thing that he threw in the garbage not a month or so earlier. Now, however, he is not so desperate. I think he does love me, and I think he shows it in some of the things he does. However, there is always a dark cloud over that love that can make it hard to feel/see it. When he says he loves me, it is no longer as special as it once was. When he caresses me, same thing. Many of the cutsie things we used to do/say bring me no joy now as I know that he probably did them with the OW. It as if part of his love is gone forever, b/c he chose to give it away. Well, it is not so much love, but the specialness that is now lost. He cannot replace that, and neither can I. Where once I was "the one", I am now merely one. Where once he promised me forever, now there is, until I hurt you again. Where once there was blind trust, now there is timid hope. So, it is not the love that I do not feel from him. I can SEE that he loves me NOW, BUT it is what I can't get back that keeps me from truly FEELING loved and loving in return. Some call that dwelling on the past...live in the moment, you hear. It is hard to live in the moment, when you know that is what your S did, and he found you were not what he wanted. In that moment, I became nothing in my H's mind, and it is part of that nothingness that remains in me. Like a black hole sucking me in.

Anyway, went and saw the new Harry Potter movie with my daughter this weekend. It was ok(except if you have read the books religiously like me, then you were pissed off at the hack job they did). We sat next to a couple who were so affectionate, and I realized that is probably how my H and and the OW were on their "dates". I know...you are slapping your heads and saying...DUH, True!!!! But, I think in my mind I try to make it all about sex. It is easier for me to think he just turned into his animal self. So, after the movie, I asked him if he thought that is what he and the OW were like, and he said yes. That hurt me so much. I wish he would have just lied. At one point, he DID tell me that their kisses/time together was all just passion, not anything real affectionate. That was the nature of their relationship. He probably said it so I could stay in my own delusion, but it is when he lets the real relationship slip out that I die inside again. I know, you are saying...stop asking the questions that you already know the answer to and really don't want the truth to anyway. I even told him that he should have just lied to me again. Stupid, I know.

I better get going. I am having a major allergy attack this weekend and it STINKS! I am miserable, as if you couldn't tell from this post, right?

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm sick today also True. Kids throwing up yesterday and I caught it. Feel icky.

My MC has told me that she believes my H loves the best he knows how. I think she did tap into it, but how do you teach someone to love? And my father (though cheating) was way more doting than my mother and continues to be so.

This is part of my fear. If he is doing the best he knows how...then it isn't working. And I guess over these years, I cut him slack knowing he was doing the best he could. But NOW knowing he failed (purposely) I don't feel his love. I need more and I told him so. I gave him suggestions to pick up a book or something and try to learn better. I don't know what else to do. I know how to love and I know how to receive it, but I've never had to learn to love someone who totally destroyed me. Neither of us knows what to do.

I'm in MC tomorrow by myself. I'll discuss A-ha moment with her. True, I think you explained how I feel pretty well, except MOST of the time I don't feel his love. I hope you feel better too.
2

Hi guys.

Still feeling lousy. I hate allergies, especially when they should be gone(we have had our first frost).

Anyway, I was thinking about my post in bed last night, and it hit me that there was one person in my family who has been in a similar sitch as me. My mom's mom. My grandma had a REALLY hard life, so I will not even say that my life is like hers, BUT she did choose to be with a man(my grandfather) who turned out to be a womanizer and who left her with 2 kids to raise by herself. He did not even acknowledge their existence, and we found out a couple of years ago, that they were never even married. They just lived as if they were. Then she did get married and had two more kids, and the man was a physically abusive drunk who basically kicked my mom and her brother out of the house b/c of his violence. My grandma did divorce him, thank goodness, but then she spent the rest of her life alone. It is her that I think about when I think about leaving my H. In those moments that I really hate him and think I would be better off without him...she is right there. In fact, before I found about the A, she popped into my head, and I thought how lucky I was to have my H and not her life. A song came on the radio that she always played on her piano to me the night I saw the OW's phone number on my H's cell phone. I think she was preparing me. I do not want to end up like her. It may happen anyway, my H may leave me someday, but why put myself through the **ll that she had to live? I do not feel that way very often, but it is funny that she came into my mind last night when I was feeling so hurt again by the things my H has done.

I think I sorta feel the same as you. It can't be the same kind of love it has been in the past. That love was found to be lacking. We thought it was ok, but it wasn't. I think for me there is this other fear. My H tells me all the time that he felt love for me then, but he still did what he did. So, love must not count for much. I think that is why I need more. Again, it is that need to feel special, and worth more than some **** with some OW. I want to be worth more than ANY OW for ANY reason. I never really felt I was worth more to him sexually before the A, but I always thought I was worth more than anyone else as his friend, and his love. BUT, I was not worth more than that last year at this time. So, it is a big hurdle. It will take more than what used to keep me happier than anyone I know.

Well, I will chat with you all later.

True

Okay you two...
I wish I could talk to you in person.

It really must be my age that I feel so differently. I just think you two remain so deep.
Your H's love you, they are with you, they are doing the best they can, they know they $^#$ up.

2 if your MC hit on it, what did you do about it? And True of course there are exceptions, what I meant was where we came from and how do we do it differently. My parents are messed up and still messed up and every day when I wake up I pray that I will make my life different than theirs.

If you still to this day think that what you had in the past was so darn perfect, and that it is lost forever, then I feel you will never aspire to anything close "perfect" again because you will continue to compare the two.

People make stupid mistakes that have nothing to do with us directly. They don't think, they get confused, lose there values and morals and just plain screw up!

Some people marry other people for their "potential" in life. Then when they fail them the fantasy of a "perfect" marriage is shot out of the sky. Doesn't have to be that way.

Call me stupid, ignorant, a fool, but I made my choice. I'm owning it and I feel my H is trying very hard every moment to show me he loves me the best he knows how.

I don't want either of you to wallow in this. And yes, this is where we come to vent...so this is my vent to you.

2, either accept your H for who he is (not who you think he should be) and True, ask for everything you need, I am sure your H will continue to provide it the best he knows how.

Remember, it's not how "we" would do it, it's how they know how to do it.

I love you guys. Have a bright day,

holiday

True, like you, I often think of the women who raised children alone and how hard of a life that is. My MIL is the perfect example of working her fingers to the bones to raise 3 boys by herself and be alone for most of those years. I never wanted that out of my life which is why I pain stakingly choose a man who I thought I wouldn't want that for his kids either...a man who lived it and frowned upon it so much.

But, that brings me to the realization that that is why I'm here. Because this is a better life than my other options...not because I'm happy, not because I love him, not because I feel he loves me...but because this is the "right" thing to do. And whether he feels that way or not, I think he does.

I never wanted to do this though. I never wanted to be married because it was the right thing to do. I wanted to be happy and in love. I've spent a year being with my H because it is the right thing to do and because I believe that the love would return. But if it doesn't (on both our parts) then should I stay anyway? It has been a very unhappy and unfulfilling year. Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?

I understood why my mother stayed married for 32 years. She didn't want to be alone and living a hard life. But, I have several friends my parents age who have been in long and seemingly happy marriages the second time around...3 of whom raised the spouses children. Life has turned out great for them. And I wonder if my mother sold herself short or was too afraid to have left when she was still young and hopeful. I know my attractive 65 year old mother could easily find a H now if she wanted. But she is so sour on marriage after all those years, she just wants to be alone. And it makes me sad to see her without companionship.

So I am still young, attractive, hopeful. Do I leave and search for love again, or stay and do the right thing? I have tried to search for love for a year now in my marriage and it is very fleeting. Overall I am very unhappy and want more out of my marriage and my life.

It has been a week of some significant revelations for me. I will get a chance to discuss with my MC today.
2

Holiday, I know that you know there are exceptions...I was just pointing out that I am one of them.

I also know people screw up. I know they make mistakes; I have made my fair share and hurt people also. One of the many reasons I stayed with my H is that I could see how we got to this point and I was willing to do my part to make the marriage better and hopefully find that passion or "in-love" feeling that he craved when he was with the OW.

I do ask my H for all I need. And he DOES provide it. He has done an amazing job during the recovery. Like I said in my post, I can SEE the effort he is putting into this. I can see his pain when I do not FEEL the love that he is providing. I think I was just trying to share why I don't feel that love as I should.

What we had in the past was not perfect, BUT it was as close to what I thought marriage should look like. AND there are things about THAT marriage that I do mourn, and will never come close to getting again. I think sometimes, how would I feel if I were in your sitch or 2's(sorry, Rocked, I don't put myself in the male perspective). I don't think I could last in either case, and both of you inspire me. If my H had done this to me twice, I could not be as upbeat as you. However, I think you have said that both of his A's were purely sexual. I think that would be easier for me to handle in the first instance, but I am not sure about the second. To be where you are is truly amazing to me. If I was you 2, I don't think I would have ever allowed my H back into the home after he left. I cannot say for sure as I did not have that happen, but to me, that would have been a dealbreaker. In fact if he had told me on d-day that he was "in-love" with her, I think I would have bolted. I think the reason you and I look at things the same way in a lot of instances is that we not only have to deal with the PAs our H's had, but the realization that they replaced us completely for a time. Mine was shorter than yours, so I cannot imagine what you are going through. I do not mean to imply that our pain is greater(although I can see how it can be taken that way), I just mean that we share that commonality, and it is different than either just an EA or just a PA...although the damage all three do is massive.

Holiday, I think you make a good point when you talk about marrying for your "potential life". I think everybody does that, don't they? We plan our life from the moment we say yes to THE question(actually probably before that). If you ask women who have had a miscarriage very early on in the pregnancy why they are so devestated(and yes, who would ask such a stupid thing...just bear with me), they will tell you that they had already planned out their life with that child. That child was REAL to them, they could see and touch it and love it in their mind. We do not question why they greive, do we? Did we not do that with our own child when we were pregnant? It is the same. My life may not have been scripted, but it was loosely planned. I did not mind moving even though we said we never would. I did not mind living poor, although my plan would have had me much wealthier. I did not mind having three girls when I "planned" for a boy and a girl(ok...I mourned a little here too). I do not mind when the plan does not go how I think it should on most things...but my H's A shattered the whole plan to pieces. It allowed a broader reality than I was ever expecting. My loose plan included my love for my H and his love for me over anything else...as long as I had that, I could weather any storm. With his A, I lost some love for him, and he GAVE away his. If he had just lost it, I would mourn, yes, BUT he GAVE it away. He gave away OUR plan. I did not think of the plan all on my own. He was there planning with me. That plan was important to him too, at one point. The really sad thing for me, is that he does not see how we have diverted from that plan. We are still together right? So we are still in that loose plan. But there is a difference when stitching some loose threads back into place, and when repairing a major whole. It takes skill, and I have not aquired those skills just yet.

I have made my choice, too. I do not plan on leaving my H. I don't own it like you do, though. I think my H once told me that he knew I would always see myself in a bad light for staying. I suppose that is true. I mean, he sees himself in a bad light for giving up his principles for cheating, why can I not see myself in a bad light for not sticking to mine? I think men who cheat are jerks. I said it a million times to him before the A. There is no reason to ever cheat on your wife. None. I never thought that cheaters should be given an ounce of respect or mercy. I said why would I want to live my life with someone who did not want me that way. I tell that to my daughters. Why do you want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with you? Let them go. My H has known for years how I felt. He knew and he did not care...so, why should I? The problem is that I do. The problem is that I do not see him the way that I see most cheaters. I don't even like actors, athletes who cheat, and avoid their films. BUT, I sleep in the same bed as my H, and still love the feel of him cuddling with me. It is hard to reconcile in my mind. So, I cannot own staying just yet, either.

Anyway, my posts have gotten longer and longer. I guess there was a reason that I got in trouble in school for talking!

I will chat with you guys later.

True

I don't think that is what he was craving. I think it is all about one'slow self esteem and the craving is for admiration, respect and just wanting someone to laugh and your overdone jokes. True and 2, your men were in a fantasy, hoping they could continue a double life and never, never hurt you.

As I read these posts on MB, it's the common denominator. People crave other people. Then stupidly fall into a self made hole. Some have spouses that throw them a rope and some have spouses that fill in the hole with dirt.

No, I don't think we all marry for potential life. I married because I loved the man I was dating and we didn't want to live together without being married. Our lives were to unfold as we went along. Little money, moved away from family and life time friends, pregnant in the first year of marriage and lived in the hottest place in the USA. I remember being very restentful. My H could do nothing to make me happy. I disliked everything I could see. This went on for years, but we recovered. I changed my thinking. If we change the way we look at things the things we look at will change.

Of course one will grieve, but does that mean one cannot go on to something new and make that even more special. Does that mean the next pregnancy will be horrible and the child born will less special than the child lost? No.

My H had brief PA's, which meant he left me for a moment too. I deal with that fact daily too. I understand your need for your time to figure this out. I just don't want your spouses to get to the point (especially with men) where they "give up" if they feel they will NEVER succeed and move to another project.

2, do not stay in your marriage out of duty or "the right thing" baloney. Your children as well as you and your H will suffer. If you feel you can no longer stay in the marriage, I would suggest you continue your prayers and I am positive God will do all he can to help support your decision.

Love,
holiday

Holiday,

I went back and read your "potential" quote. I must have misread it before. It sounds as if you are saying that some people marry another for what they can get from the other. I was talking more of the potential life that my H and I thought we could have together. I did not marry him b/c I thought he could give me something. I married him b/c I loved him with all my heart and wanted to spend forever with him. I have "loved" him since I first met him. And, I could be wrong, but I think most people marry because they can "see" the life they could lead together. It is not about what one can give the other. It is the "plan" I was talking about before. We start to see our "potential life" with the other after we say yes.

I also misstated what my H was craving. I do not believe he was initially craving that passion or feeling "in-love", I think he got caught up in those moments. He craved the attention and sex he got from the OW. I just meant when I decided to stay that I wanted US to have passion and that "in-love" feeling that he got caught up in with her. I wanted him to feel that way towards me again, and me towards him. I know he never wanted to hurt me; he thought I would never know. However, when he made the choice to disrespect me, that was a personal attack, whether intentional or not. In that moment, he told me, I was worthless to him. Not even worth a guilty feeling afterward. He may not have meant to hurt me, and he may have still loved me, but he did not think I was worth enough to just say no. I don't know how to explain it. You think I am dwelling, my MC wants me to let that go, my H wants me to feel his love for me now, but like I said before, that nothingness sucks me into its void. If you really love and care about a person enough to promise them forever, you should make sure that you keep your promise at all costs. My H did not get caught up in a moment of passion. That I could forget. My H purposely planned, and then executed that plan to decieve me. He knew what was at stake, he knew the consequences, he knew I would trust him blindly, he KNEW! He obviously did not love me or care enough about me. I don't care if he ever feels like he can succeed at making me happy. He should assume he can't and then work from there. If he becomes unhappy, then he can leave, in fact I fully expect him to do that some day, but I won't pretend for him, and I won't rush just so that HE feels better. Do I think we can have a better marriage? Yes, in some ways, and no in others. I also know that I will never have the same kind of marriage I had before(the trustfulness) even if my H and I divorce someday. So, I try to make the one I have the best I can.

You may not believe this, but I really do try and be a good wife. I really do try and be this nice woman that you talk about. I know he thinks differently/acts than me, and I try to remember that when I am sad. Unlike 2, I want to stay in my marriage, b/c I DO still love him. God help me, I love that man more than life. 2, you say you do not know how to love, I know how to love, I just do not know how to give away the sorrow, resentment, embarrassment, and loss of specialness. Do you really think I would dwell on it if I could get rid of it? I know my H does sometimes. I wouldn't. I wish it was gone. I wish I could look at him with that loving heart I had before. I wish those butterflies would churn in my stomach every time I knew he was coming home, like they did every day up until December 19th of last year. My H was my life, and I have no idea how to get past the hurt that I turned out NOT to be his. Does that mean that I am not trying or that I am just being vicious? No, it means I don't know how and I am trying to find my way out of this whole that my H pushed me in.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good night. I do not know if I will be here the rest of the week. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Chicago. If I don't talk to you. Have a great Thanksgiving. Please pray for me, I know this holiday will be tough for me. I will pray for you too.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MC was very productive and beneficial for me today. I realized a lot of things and most importantly that we both still have a lot of work to do. Our marriage has returned to Pre-A with lots of work, but what I've been feeling is that I don't want it to go back to that...that didn't work. I want more. And my MC thinks that is wise of me to realize that. Yes, a lot of what we had before was special, and yes, I will miss it. But before obviously didn't work and now we need to do something better.

She understood my feelings and thinks we need to approach H about having a "new" marriage. If he is receptive, perhaps I'll feel his love again. If he isn't then I know I need to leave. But I realized - a whole year later - that I am not going back to the way things were. I will be his number one priority (as it should be), I will not take a backseat to his job or dream (like I used to do) and I will be happy or I won't stay. It's taken a whole year just to repair the damage...now it is time to build something better.

Just for clarification my H moved back home before I learned of his A. I would not have let him home if I would have known about his A. I wanted him out after I found out, but agreed to let him stay because my MC said it would be too hard on my 4 year old who was VERY EXCITED when daddy came home, just 1 week before I found out. I did know from his phone bill that he was involved in an inappropriate relationship with OW when he came home, but 1) I didn't know what an EA was (which is what he was admitting to at the time) and 2) He adamantly denied it and I believed him. So I let him come home. Had it been the other way around, I would not have.

Lots to do. Thanks for listening.
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