2, has this been a pattern in the past? My H and I are conflict avoiders...trying to improve that and as you say "speak in the truth of love".

My girlfriend's H is a "major" conflict avoider, especially where his W is concerned. He just clams up when she gets her wheels turning. He would prefer to tell me and my H what he thinks than to tell her. I asked him why he does this and he said because it keeps the peace. Who's peace? I asked him.

I don't want to be in a marriage like that. You H should feel "safe" (this is his own doing) to speak his thoughts earlier. I also think you can be supportive even if you don't like the other person's ideas. Because you love them and want them to be happy.

Rocked hit the nail on the head saying that your H held back an opinion possibly b/c of your response. I thought he gave you a pretty concrete example for now, that with a new job he is requesting you be home to support him. I know it sounds selfish, but is he not the main breadwinner in your household right now?

Rocked, I agree with 2 about talking to your W. The longer you put it off the more thoughts run through her mind, feeling less loved by you. Perhaps that is what need she needs from you. Who wants their spouse to resent them? Or to feel their spouse doesn't even want to be around them? Talk to her so you can work on it. Those feelings will be different from pre A, but they can become even better than before, once you let go.

True, sorry about your PC problems. If you feel the need to talk to your H, try not to think of it as a can of worms and by the way, worms are great for your garden...they make the soil healthy and help your plants "grow".

Today was D DAY for me. I almost forgot the date. Last night I was pretty sad and didn't know why, thought I was just tired.

Things are better today. I am so thankful for all of you here who have helped me find peace in my life again.

I love you guys,

holiday

We love you too, Holiday.

Dang...3 ladies telling me to talk to my W. How can that advice be bad? HA. I will do it soon. Even I'm tired of being tired.

2, I'll give you till end of Friday if you want to back out of our wager. (Shows you the heart I have for your well-being!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Matt Leinart for Heisman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Rocked, I'm a believer! That is why I stay in this "broken" marriage. We are on for Sat.

Yesterday after I got back from my WONDERFUL massage, facial and body treatment, my H gave me a thank you card. In it he acknowledged the day as being the day he broke my heart forever and knew that it was an "important" date for me. He said he didn't know what to do to acknowledge it's importance to me. He didn't want to "celebrate" it because there is nothing to celebrate. But he didn't want to let it go by without acknowledge how important a day it is to me. So he didn't know what to do, so he said in the card, I thought a thank you card to thank you for sticking by me after all this is what is appropriate. I thought it was very nice and thoughtful. I told him so.

As far as us having a history of me doing whatever I want, not at all the case. HE is the one who HAD to attend EVERY work function, took his staff to Vegas, when I told him I thought it was inappropriate for a married man to do that, HE was the one who was going to leave his job 2 years ago despite the fact that I thought it was a HORRIBLE idea. Then he used it against me to tell me I was unsupportive and didn't believe in him, but OW did! The only thing I can say is that when I stayed home after my daughter was born 5 years ago, he claimed (during his A) that he never agreed to that, and I went and did what I wanted. Not at all how I remember it happening. And it is because I don't have a history of doing that that I was very hurt and upset by that comment he made. Again, we discussed it in MC and resolved it as best we could.

Yes, my H was the sole breadwinner and he completely abused that role. So now, he isn't the sole breadwinner...he is the main. I am working NOW and making enough to cover the morgage on our house. Right now and until he gets his financing we are actually making about the same. When his financing does come, he will be the main breadwinner, but he is not the sole. He completely supported this job, so why not a more risky venture, like he just did? I don't think it is fair and I am not willing to do it. On another note the store owner is reconsidering our offer. So it is not over like I initially thought. Probably another week of negotiations before this is done.

Anyway Holiday what nice thing are you doing for yourself today beside joining us here again on MB? Where you been? Hope all is well.

Rocked, talk to the wife. I'm going to add that in to the wager. If (when) UCLA wins, you have to talk to your wife by the following day. DEAL?

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Matt is SOOOO over rated. What about Drew Olsen or Maurice Drew?! Reggie is the bomb, I'll say that. But Matt is over rated. The whole team is!

Hi guys.

Still no internet. Long story. I am borrowing time again.

Today for me is the day that my H told one of the worst lies to me. You all might think I am being stupid about it, but it was this day that he told me that he was going out Christmas shopping for our kids, and instead went to be with the OW. To me, that is worse than just saying he is going out. He used our kids as a way to decieve me so he could go screw some tramp. He made this whole story about how he felt left out from the Christmas shopping experience, and how he wanted to tune into his kids again. I was left at home that night with 2 sick kids and miserably sick myself, asked him not to go, but he insisted, so he missed the kids writing letters to Santa, as well. This is also the same night that he went to her house for the first and only time. It was not just a meeting. It was at her house while her fiance was out. I almost wish he would have caught them.

2, it was nice of your H to give you a card. My H told me that he wanted to do something special for me on the date of the first time they had sex(b/c I said that would be harder to deal with than d-day), but that day came and went and he did nothing. I don't know if he plans on doing anything for d-day, but it really won't matter anyway.

I was getting out the Christmas decorations, and I just started crying. It wasn't about remembering me putting them out last year, but I remembered the pain that filled my heart as I packed them away before we moved right after d-day. I remember the joy I felt when putting them out, but the pain overtook it. I hope Christmas will not hold this bad feeling for me.

This weekend marks the 1-year end of the A. It is this weekend that she got "caught" although with a different guy and then broke it off with my H(well, on the Monday after). It is the weekend we got our kids pictures with Santa and my H stole away to try and contact the OW, or see if she contacted him, b/c he was beginning to sense the end. Did I ever tell you that he begged her not to end it? That crushes me to the core. He BEGGED! aaagggghhhh.

Well, I better go. I hope you all are better than me.

True

Hey, if we all lost our memories of past events we'd be doing much better, huh.

Glad to hear from you True. Get your dang Internet back...and not that archaic dial up either.

2, I've never seen Matt L play...just went with the first USC player I could think of. (Real football is played in the South so we don't hear much about the 2nd rate teams out west). Ooh. OK, wager addendum...if you win the bet, I'll talk to my W. If I win, you stop reminding me.

BTW, my W didn't do anything on my 1-yr DDay anniv except stay out of my way.

Go Trojans!!

Sorry about your internet True. We need you! Get it fixed. We need you!

I am sorry today is bad for your True. Honestly, aside from the 30 seconds when I felt like crying yesterday morning, yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had planned and prepared myself for it and I think that helped. I kept TERRIBLY busy with my children who were so well behaved it couldn't have been anything BUT God. Had a great day with them. And then so much on my mind with the business. I really wasn't sad at all, but for that 1 minute.

True, my H used our kids A LOT during his A, I don't even want to get into because it will upset me. But let me just say, after d-day I lit into him about the way he used our kids SOOOOOOO much that it actually hit too hard for him. Because of his father not being around, to point out what a BAD father he had conducted himself as really was so painful to him that I decided not to go there again with him. Initally he was furious at me for that, but then he became so depressed over it (when he realized it was true) that I decided I would not go there again with him. He got it right away, and there was never a need for me to bring it up again except to be mean. I haven't wanted to be that mean.

I know the fact your H begged the OW not to end it is a BIG deal for you because you have brought it up many times. I can understand how painful that would be to you, just like my H lasting a year, or holiday having done this twice, etc. It is what it is. It is over and that is what is relevant NOW.

I need some suggestions. Have you all done your anniversaries yet? Mine is next week. So we had our annivesary 1 week after d-day. I was still so in shock and in such a fog that we took the advice of our MC and went out to dinner. This year, I don't feel much like celebrating though my H already told me that he has something special planned. So I'm off the hook. But I feel like I should do something nice. Any simple suggestions?

Rocked, I want that as PART of the wager, not the whole wager, because I still want my dinner from you when I first meet you.

Later! Got to get to work!
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2, you want "what" as part of the wager? Anniversary ideas? My 20th wddg anniv was a month ago and we went on a cruise to the Bahamas. Was nice. Brief emotional moments due to the past but for the most part was a good adventure together.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!!!! I had the "honest talk" with my W this morning. She was very understanding. Actually I felt some kind of shift in my heart and head yesterday. I know it was God. I was reading something yesterday someone wrote about 'God embracing us' and it moved me to tears. I ended up admitting to myself (confessing to God) that I have allowed my negative thinking to harbor bitterness and anger to the point that I backed away from God...and my W. Not even allowing Him to work his miracle of healing in me. I have so longed for his embrace that I was broken. I have repented and am reaching out to Him again. And my W. I realize that my mind will bring back memories and feelings of the past but I am committed on focusing on the future and what my marriage can be NOW. And...discussing openly with my W when I feel those pangs again. THANK YOU ALL FOR ENCOURAGING ME AND PRAYING FOR ME.

2, let's clarify our bet today so that you can't wimp out on me come Saturday post game with any lame excuses about not understanding our wager. (Bush For Prez!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

7So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. 8Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. (James 4:7-9, New Living Translation)

Rocked, I am soooooo worried for you! It is raining here today and that is bad news for the trojans. You know they (trojans) burst under pressure. You may have experienced that yourself at sometime...the trojan (or maybe some other brand) bursting under pressure?! Anyway, they are on a winning streak, undefeated for 2 season, playing their cross town and biggest rival of the year who is 8 and 1 this season. They have EVERYTHING to lose and then on top of that RAIN? Boy, I can tell those trojans are going to burst under all this pressure!

Since you talked to your wife, the bet is dinner whenever we meet. Deal?

I'm glad you had the talk. I'm also glad she was understanding. My H was too. I'd love to see what you read that moved you to tears. I'm glad God put that in your path so that you could honestly open up to your wife. I hope this is the start of something truly healing in your marriage.

My H came home yesterday with a box of chocolates and a UCLA t-shirt for me. It was very nice. But I couldn't help but feel like he is scrambling to create this "new" marriage I talked to him about. I appreciate it all, but so far it hasn't made me love him more. I had to have a talk with him about a week ago the difference between appreciating something someone does and love. I find that that is where I am most of the time. I appreciate what he is doing, but the feelings have not moved. I like him more and we are getting a long and we can talk and laugh and I can look him in the eye. But my heart is still flat. I feel I love him as much as a really fun neighbor of mine down the street.

He still holds me at night, but sex has decreased by 90%. I have NO desire at all. I can't remember a time I've ever felt this way about sex. He does not initiate because he senses my lack of interest.

So, we are doing well in that we are getting along and enjoying each other. But then so do friends. My love is lost. I too have prayed for it to return. What else can I do?

So Rocked, I will give you a chance to back down before tomorrow. Good for you for talking to your wife. I hope True will join us soon. Holiday how'd you make it through yesterday? Do anything nice?

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Wow Rocked, that is wonderful!!!
I am so glad you finally talked to her. I think it is inspirational to a marriage to be able to let out our true feelings (not feelings to hurt) so as a couple we can move towards a positive direction.

Yesteday while my H and I had lunch at a local deli, I told him that the day before was the day that I made the call on the cell bill. His face was sort of blank while he chewed his sandwich. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. A thank you card would have been since (kuddos to Mr 2!).

2, are you CRAZY! The Sports lines have the powder bears as 21 point underdogs. Aint' no trojan gonna break. They may bend when puffed up and swelling with pride, but they will not break! It's gonna be nothin' but pure ecstasy when they score and there is yelling and screaming. Uncontrollable vibration deep in the stadium. The offense will pound it in the end zone again and again.

Whew...anyone got a cig? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Rocked, are you trying to get me horney cause I said I ain't done it in awhile? If UCLA wins, husband gets some for sure. And we will.
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First of all, you started it. Reread your own post.

Secondly, if it takes UCLA winning for your H to "get some" then I hope he's OK with abstinence.

Third, I'm not sure a skinny white man can get an awesome black woman like yourself worked up.

Fourth, If a miracle does happen and UCLA wins, you better not let my name slip when you're involved with your H.

Lastly, on Monday you can call me and the winner gets to talk trash to the other. (I'll be working on my speech in the mean time!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You are soooooooo on! I will talk so much trash to you, you'll think you're the garbage man!

Hey some how a skinny white tramp got my big black husband worked up. So you could do the same. I like variety!

OK, I guess I did start it with the trojan talk...sorry.
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Go Trojans!

What kind?!

Anyway, my dad was just here and he found it necessary to tell me how he was telling my mother just the other day how bad things were between H and I at this time last year. He said he (mind you not me) was sick over the whole thing and he was soooooo glad to see how happy we are now and how much better things are now. I just smiled and nodded.

Things appear good and they are better than they were this time last year. But things are never going to be the same. I really wanted to tell him that I don't love H anymore and I'm not totally sure we will make it. It kind of bothered me that he just smoothed over the whole thing. I have no idea if my dad knows the truth or not. Nobody has told him but it is pretty easy to figure out.

Anyway, that just made me sad.
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Hi guys. A little time tonight. I was a little confused for a moment there with all those inuendos up there. I wondered if I had wandered onto an "adult" forum for a moment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...ha ha.

Rocked, I am DELIGHTED to hear that you finally talked to your wife. What an amazing turn of events. I am also curious as to what moved you to tears. That is an unusual site for a skinny white man. Now fat white women....we cry all the time! I hope your wife continues to understand and that you continue to share.

Holiday, I tell my H a lot lately things that went on last year at this time(not even A realted). Today I said, wow, this day last year we put our house on the market. I forgot to mention that it was also the day we had the moving sale and the real estate agent decided to show up with about an hour's notice and we had to clean up the mess that sale made. Instead of helping me, my H says that we need to spot clean the carpets, but oh look, we are out of shampoo. He goes to the store for an hour and guess what he does? Yep, calls OW and chats the whole time, while I am stuck cleaning up the mess, and running the sale, AND taking care of the kids. I think this is why my anger and sorrow has been so great lately. I have a photographic memory, and I can remember everything that happened during this time frame. I even think the OW called me that day posing as someone who wanted info on the sale. I remember this strange call...and it was a squeaky little voice, just like the OW's voice. I will never know, but I think it was her. I even remember answering my H's cell phone once and I am pretty sure it was her then, too.

Now, how do I get rid of memories like that? I don't know. It frustrates me to no end that my H cannot even remember the date of the their first time, or when he told her he loved her for the first time, but I can remember a freaking phone call from a year ago?? AAAGGGGHHHHHH.

2,
It is funny that you mention your dad saying that. I think my family has just smoothed things over, and they are unsure as to why I bring it up now and again. My SIL sent me the nicest email about how she is glad that my H and I stayed together, and that God will heal all wounds if I let him. It had a greeting card with it that featured the picture "Forgiven". I thought about sending it to all of you(not the email, but the card), but wanted to know if you would like it first. Let me know. She told me how happy and well adjusted we both seem. How in love we look and act towards each other. My mom was like that too. I thought, dang, I must be a pretty good actress. I should have moved to Hollywood, b/c my heart breaks every single day, and some days I cannot even look him in the eye, yet we look in love and happy? Amazing! My mom also told me about my cousin and his new wife(who I just met in August). She said they are now divorced! They were married and happy, or so it seemed, when I saw them at the END of August! She said that his wife just told him one day that she was not sure she wanted to be married....yep, you guessed it. She was involved in a cyber EA with an old b/f. They got a quickie divorce(even though he tried to fight it), and then slept together one last time and the left. My mom said to me, "I would have never guessed. They looked like newlyweds in love in August." I said, "Mom, would you have guessed that H was screwing some other woman at this time last year?? Didn't we still look "in-love??" She said, No, I would have never guessed and I said, yeah neither would have I.

Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that I do tell my H most of my feelings, and if I do not do it directly, he reads it here anyway. There are some things that I just don't tell him, and probably never will(although now that I said that, he will probably bug me). He has stopped telling me his feelings, and I hate that, so I try to share. I told him that I was going to tell the MC on him. I won't b/c I cannot force him to share. If he wants our marriage to be filled with secrets and hidden feelings, what can I do about it? As Holiday has said many times, I can only control myself. I can ask him to share, but in the end, he hardly ever does. I think that is why I feel the marriage is slipping away sometimes. He refused to talk to me last year too, and look what happened. What happen to our policy of joint agreement about radical honesty?

Well, this is already longer than I had planned. I hope that whoever's football team wins(and I am still stumped as to why any of you like football)that we can ALL meet to see the loser pay up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That will be Rocked. True are you live again?
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