A book I had been reading feels the "giving" spouse is usually the one betrayed.
So how does one stop "giving"?

Forcing the other to move out. Then I can talk to the walls like I used to when he would leave me night after night for his OW. At least then, there was happiness and peace in the house. Do you know why? Because when you talk to the walls at least they're not sensitive, misinterpute EVERYTHING you say and look defeated. Me and the walls had actually become pretty good friends.

2

By the way, I asked H what kind of card to send out. After hyming and hawing for 1/2 hour he said "I guess just send one of the kids." So today I went to Wal-Mart and bought regular old cards. No pictures this year. Everyone will get over it I"m sure.

2

I love you 2, but I sense the wall around your heart is higher and thicker than ever. Nearly every post has some derogatory comment against your H. Since you said earlier that "you know what you're doing" I can only conclude you've made up your mind and are carrying out your plan. GoOd luck.

2,

I am sooo sorry that you are feeling the way you do, and I am really sorry that your H cannot "cowboy up" for you. My H and I joke about the term b/c of the idiot who said it, but in a sense that is what the WS has to do. I will not go into that again as you all know how I feel on the subject. I am not going to try and convince you to stay or tell you that you are doing something wrong by wanting to leave or anything like that...b/c if you do not feel like he is doing his part, then he isn't(just as if he does not feel you are doing your part, you need to). That is the one part that I agree with the emotional needs things around here. You have to do the job so that your SPOUSE feels like you are meeting their needs, not so you feel that way. Humans, it seems, are very poor at measuring how well they are meeting someone else's needs. Some of those needs may be unrealistic and nobody could ever meet them, and some may be unable to be met, b/c as much as we try, we cannot change some things about us.

If you have truly decided to separate, and you feel like it will make you happy...then do it. There is no point spending your life miserable...not even for your kids. And I actually agree with Rocked, that you have a wall around your heart...but so do we all. I think it is better to acknowledge that wall than to look straight at it and deny it and pretending it is not there. Acknowledge the wall and then either jump over it, which I think is really hard for any BS to do, straddle it(which is where I believe most of us are most of the time), or go around and find the peaceful pasture you are looking for.

I would not want to spend the rest of my life walking on egg shells around a man who does not seem to want any mention of ANY A's b/c it reminds him of his own stupidty. As I said before, he should own his shame, it will make him a better man and husband. Running away from it only indicates that he has learned nothing from this past year...and allows you to add several more bricks to that wall. Maybe a separation will make him understand how much pain you are still in, and maybe it will make you see that you really do want to be with him....but please be ready for the fact that one or both of you might also find that you are much happier, healthier and better people without the other.

My prayers continue to be with you, your H and your children.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope all is well with you guys this morning.

My H and I had a really good day yesterday. There were moments when I remembered last year doing the same thing and feeling happy, but tried very hard to focus on the day at hand and not the past. We had a good talk on the ride home about what we like about our "new marriage" and what we still wish we could change about it and each other. I told him that it really did not matter what I would change about him, if I could...change is up to him, and in the areas he sees himself as needing help. If he does not think the area that I am most concerned about is out of whack...me wanting it changed is a mute point, right?

The rest of the night was good too. I started to fill out the lovebuster questionnare, which I cannot believe we did not fill out earlier, and for the first time some lightbulbs went off about things I do to cause him lovebusters, and ways I could see I stole from his lovebucket before the A. He has told me these things, but when I read them, it suddenly all made sense. AND it made so much more sense why the relationship with the OW went so fast and was so intense. She was my opposite in meeting those needs and filling his lovebucket...yet, I know that I was that way too, but had just grown comfortable with him, and took him for granted. Does that excuse his A? No. But, every little lightbulb that helps me understand where WE were as a couple when he made his choice, helps me understand his choice a little bit more.

We watched "40-year-old Virgin" last night. Very funny movie, but very crude(so if you do not like that stuff...stay away). The end was kind of depressing for me, as are all movies who romanticize what love should be like. It is always hard for me to watch somebody about to cheat, see that the love he/she shares with the other is so much more important, or realize that sex with that signifigant other is all he/she needs or wants. I cried for a moment, but then let it go. I hope this is a trend for me. I hate that awful feeling, but also feel proud that I could let it go.

Just one note of dwelling....today last year was the day that my H and I had our first discussion about his A...I just did not know it at the time. It is when we talked about celebrities having A's and how much I cannot stand a celeb. if he cheats on his wife. I remember the exact conversation, where we were, and how upset I got. He asked me if he ever had an A would I want to know. I told him yes, I would not want to live a lie. There are days that I still believe that, and there are days I wish I would have told him...absolutely not, let me live in the illusion that you love me enough not to ever cross that line.

Anyway, 2, I hope that I did not offend you last night with anything I said. And I hope that you are having a better morning today. Are you still heading for MC? Please let us know what happens.

Holiday and Rocked, have a super day doing whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How did you know "whatever" was on my schedule today? Must be that 6th sense women have.

Where can I get one of those "Love Buckets?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

2-I agree with True. Don't keep going on with your marriage as unhappy as you are right now. I am behind you in any decision you decide to make <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
Perhaps being apart might help you to look at your H differently. A time to breathe.
Peace,
holiday

Ha Ha...Rocked. We just call it a love bucket...the Harley's call it a love bank. I came up with a revelation about that today, b/c my H and I were kind of turned off to them a few weeks ago(lovebusters, I mean, not the "bucket" that you take away or add to). We thought it was a bunch of whooey. I now find myself believing that the Harley's are right about having love busters, yet off on a couple of aspects about avoiding them. I will share with you all my revelation some other time...but I want to share it with my H first.

Monday is my d-day anniversary. I have asked my H to take the afternoon off, and spend it with me. I would like to spend that day doing something special for us, since last year that day was so horrible. I would like to look back on the 19th of December as the day we did something cool, not as the day I found my heart shattered into a million pieces.

Anyway, hope you all have a nice afternoon.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

True, Good idea on how to spend DDay. Let us know how it ends up going. (Well not everything!!)

Holiday, how the heck is it out in NV?? Hot tubbin' weather I presume.

My parent's 50th wddg annv is coming up. Makes me wonder if they ever struggled with A issues. None that I am aware of, but they are human so I have to expect they did. Dang, 50 years is a long time!!!

hot jacuzzi weather!!!
19th, sorry True, but i hope your H makes it now a special day to remember (it's also my H's bday).
50 years...hmmm, i am sure there's some strugglin in there some place, probably right after the birth of their son...Rocked i think is his name, ha!

Hey now. You're lucky it's not within me to strike an older woman. Ouch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

BTW, "Rocked" is not my real name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, S...
The parents had forseen this child needing an "alias" one day... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
And becareful, old ladies hit back!

Hi guys.

Wow...a little fiestiness(is that a word?) today!

Had a good day, for the most part. Finished the Christmas shopping, and both daughter's birthday shopping(the 22nd and Jan 3). Then the two older ones had their Christmas program. They came home and I was wrapping their cousins' presents and they helped. It was nice, and a good bonding time for all of them. My H, who was sick with fever last night(we were up all night) had decided to go to work anyway as it was the company Christmas party. Normally, I would be a little stressed about having to get all three girls ready and I mean dressed up, curled hair, the works, with nobody there to watch the other two while I was busy with one. Not that I cannot handle all three, but it is hard to do when you have a hot curling iron in your hand. I was doing pretty good, until the time ticked on...and it got closer and closer to leaving time and still no hubby(he was at the main office). Finally, it was about 20 minutes until they absolutely HAD to be there and still no H. So, I decided to leave without him. I was fuming by this time. Do you think that you get madder at your S now than you might have before the A? I think I do. At first I was scared that he might have gotten into an accident, but when I realized he was ok(he pulled in just as I was pulling out) I lost it. I literally screamed at him. Now you guys may get the impression that I do this often, but it is not as often as you think, especially in front of the kids. Anyway, he tried to explain that he thought he was supposed to be home at 6:30 and he did not hear me say that he needed to leave about 4:00(that would have gotten him home at 5:30). I suppose I can believe this as that has been one of his "problems" in the past. He does not always listen well. I think I got really mad b/c this man knows how I am about being on time to things. My parents are ALWAYS late to everything, and because of that, I like to be on time...no, early to almost everything. I have not changed how I am, and I have been like this for the whole 17 years we have been together. Does this cross his mind? No. He should not have even been at this party as he was up all night with a fever and flu symptoms.

I know that I should not have gotten as mad as I did...but aaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am still pi$$ed at him. It was a good thing that he did not try to kiss me, or hold my hand, or touch me in any way...b/c I would have told him not to, and I do not do that very often either. I am trying to calm down, and just be thankful that he made it home and got to see the girls...but it is just such a reminder of how selfish he can be.

Anyway...when I am happier with him, I will have to tell you guys about the nice talk we had while he was delirious with fever. It was just like he was drunk and bearing his soul.

2, if you are still out there lurking...I hope all is well.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I would have been upset too!
3 little girls and a hot curling iron??? Hubby should have been flogged! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Glad he got home safe. I know what you mean, a man can be sick as a dog, cry like a baby, but for some reason the next day when "he" has something to do, he goes.
Hope you get a good night's rest.
holiday

Weird how my fever can go away when it's time for my football game on TV. HA.

Yeah True, I find that my anger still lives under the surface and can activate over the littlest things. It's getting better but definitely still there. I am an "on time" nut too. My W is the delay factor.

Holiday, you scare me!! Threats of hitting and flogging. Pumping iron at the gym and owner of a H who rides a Harley. Dang, you're one tough ole lady! I better watch my P's + Q's around you.

2, report in.

I'm here guys. My mind has not been in the right state to report anything except that I am here. I'm doing A Lot of thinking and trying to decide what I am going to do once and for all. I didn't want to drag all of you into my thought process. Just need to think things through.

I'm off Christmas shopping today, so I'll be gone all day. Just know that I can still very much use your prayers.

2

and your RRRRRRRRRR's too Rocked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

2, you will be fine no matter what you decide. Time apart may give your H time to get his stuff together and you then may see him in a better light.

Have a nice day shopping and I will say a little prayer.

I too find myself upset by the littlest things...or stressed when it comes to my H. I just try to explain to him how important his acknowledgement to certain issues are to me. He's been pretty good about it.

Hope you all have a nice day,

holiday

2,
Of course the prayers are still with you. Let me add, though, thinking sometimes is our worst enemy. I know that may sound stupid, but I have found that when I am stuck thinking about something, that is when I am the most confused. I know this is a REALLY big decision, and I am not saying take it lightly or "just do it"; I am saying maybe it is time to just listen to what your heart and mind are telling you...what is your very first instinct? Those are, more often than not, right. Has anything gotten better? Do you feel any better? I hope that you will be able to do whatever needs to be done.

Holiday and Rocked,

Thanks for your understanding. My H asked if I was still mad this morning, I told him I did not know what he was talking about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. He tried to talk to me last night before we went to bed. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. I don't think is was a conflict avoidance, but I knew that I was still too angry to say anything nice. I found myself on the outside looking in and not believing some of the words that came out of my mouth. It is weird, b/c I have been feeling pretty good about us lately, and then this hits. I wonder sometimes if I just get angry on purpose so that I don't fall back in love and get hurt again. Something to ponder, I guess.

I also did something that I normally do not do, and I have done it a couple of times lately. I threw the A back in my H's face. I was not trying to do it either time, but I know that it sounded like that both times. This time, he was sharing how he did not like to go to bed with me angry at him...and I still was. I said, "boy, you must have gone to bed like that a lot of times in the past year." It just slipped out. He said, "Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that." I honestly was not meaning it the way it sounded, but I can see how he saw it.

Anyway, I better get going. Hope you all have a happy weekend, if I am not able to get back on later.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Are all my lady "peeps" in this group getting mad lately? GEEZ, WHAZZUP WHICH YA'LL???

Ha, actually I think the holidays bring it out. Christmas seems so family-oriented and it brings out the worst in us.

I got peeved at my W last night. A handful of things had happended starting about 5pm that were little Love Busters to me. After holding my feelings in about them I voiced out later on. Eventually shared with her what was eating at me (I hear your applause now). She took it very sensitively and was upset for a while. So, like I told her, a lot that did to encourage me to share openly the next time. It's so much easier to avoid all the crap and just stew.

Anyone going to attend a good candlelight service Dec.24?