Recently I discovered my H had contact with the OW after a long beautiful weekend we had shared. Prior to that weekend she had contacted him per phone to try and arrange to return a picture, she informed me as well. At the time he had just suggested that she throw the picture away, so I assumed everything was understood about that.

Following the weekend, he went ahead and arranged to get the picture and also return some very valuable belongings to her as well w/o me knowing. AFTER he made the exchange he called me and told me. I discussed my dislike for it and explained to him how it made me feel. He apoligized and said it wouldnt happen again. I explained to him how I viewed this as a possible way just to see her. He said, no....it was actually 'closure' and that he had made his decision to be with his family and is very interested in sticking with it > that this was his way in getting that across to her and at the same time ending all the excuses that she would have for ever contacting him again.

Just to give a brief overview > It all started when he and I weren't getting along at home and of course needs were not being met. But over the course of 2 1/2 yrs we lost feelings and they gained feelings and decided they were going to be together and were making plans to boot me out (I didnt know this), but in the end he decided he couldn't do it and asked me to accept him back & came clean. Says the pressure had gotten to be too much and that it was then that he realized that he still loved his family and would rather have back what we had before.

During this time I lost alot of feelings and getting them back is a work in progress. I must say that I am truly flaterred that he's chosen to work things out because I was sure that it was over between us. I dont want to get to far into my feelings concerning this until sometime has passed...then I'll give an update.

Meanwhile I am just interested to know how you guys view this latest contact between him and OW.

She informs me of alot things just to rub them in my face, but so far she hasn't informed me about this. Lately all she expresses is that she's deeply hurt.

don't argue this

stay on high alert

I think "closure" is a crock-o-poop

to do this without discussing with you first is not good ...

do not relay your thoughts/feelings a second time ... you did GREAT by telling him how it made you feel ...

now appear relaxed ... but stay very VERY alert

if there is more "closure" ... Plan B seems in order

Have you set up professional marriage counseling yet?

Please do this ... recovery without a pro has too many ways to go wrong

FROM THE MB SITE ~~~~~~~~

These are the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery that you and your husband should follow to help you restore your love for eachother:

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.

2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.

3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse

4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.

First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.

But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.

So let's talk about just compensation. What could the offending spouse possibly do to compensate for an affair? After all, it's probably the most painful experiences anyone could ever put his or her spouse through.

The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state. The reason should be obvious, but in case there's some confusion, he should be reminded that every contact he will ever have with this woman will be like a knife in your heart. He has already caused you to suffer unbearable pain, and any further contact with his ex-lover would keep you suffering. In your case, the affair is probably over, but has your husband taken precautions to never see or talk to his ex-lover again?

And then he should put extraordinary precautions in place to guarantee that another affair will not take it's place. Has he considered the circumstances that led to his affair? Intoxication, business trips that separate you overnight, close friendships with those of the opposite sex, recreational relationships that do not include you, and so forth, should be subject to scrutiny. What was it that made him vulnerable? Whatever it was, he should take extraordinary precautions to avoid it in the future. It's part of just compensation for the suffering he's caused you to bear.

Have you set up professional marriage counseling yet?
Im getting it set up/ Im just moving at my own pace, trying to see if its all real.
Pepperband, what is that site address to the OW forum. I meant to ask you that the other day?


I had just also read that quote for Dr. Harley this morning. Makes alot of sense. Thanks

Huh? OW forum?

I don't go there.

kenda...

Not to be too negative, but the reason he didn't inform you beforehand is he wanted to ensure he would meet with the OW without you being there. There may be a part of him that wanted to "test the waters" to see if there was a way to continue the A underground.

You see, I worked through this type of contact fantasy in my head early on, including the how I would feed my W the poppycock "closure" story. I was pretty screwed up back then.

I never actually did it, but had times when I soooo wanted to.

Low

Just went through the secretive email/phone contact after four months of rebuilding our M...so I know how you feel, kenda. It sucks. I was given BOTH the "closure" and "I just wanted to see how she was doing" speeches. Basically, I told him to blow it out his ear, if he wanted to see how she was, it meant closure for US. He finally got the picture, I HOPE. Time will tell. Be on your guard, sista.