Do you think one person can save a marriage? How do you know if a marriage can be saved? How can someone walk away from a family and not look back? How do you know when you are being used and how do you know when to stop letting it happen?

How often does someone walk away from a marriage because they just want to be single? Maybe there is not one special OW, but a whole lifestyle that they crave? How can you have a wife and 3 kids and be married for 20 years and decide that is not what you want? That you now want to be single. And if this is what you want, then how come the WH still has to have an attachment to the family he so wants to leave?

A lot of questions, I know. I have posted my story many times and know that I should be in Plan B. I don’t know why I can’t. Fear I am sure. I am stuck living in a place with my 3 kids with NO family around and no close friends to confide in. I am alone and I feel it every day. I made the mistake of making my husband and my kids the center of my universe. My whole world and now I am lost.

My WH had an A. I found out confronted her and him and they broke it off. This was way back in July. My WH lives at home. Comes home every night, but it is usually late because of work (I think.) He does have a busy job so I KNOW where he is most of the time. He emails me every day. We still get along great. He coaches my son’s hockey team. If you were to look at us you would think we were happily married.

Yet, he cannot commit to our marriage. He says he does not know if he wants to be married or not, but that he does not want to walk away from the marriage. We have NO SF at all. There is no intimacy what so ever. It is almost like we are roommates. He spends very little time with the kids except on the weekends. An average weekday may go something like…WH goes to work, I am home all day, after school I shuttle kids to various activites, kids and I eat dinner, kids go to bed, WH comes home about midnight. That does not happen every day, but most. On the weekend he is home from Friday to Monday morning without ever leaving.

It is weird, like he doesn’t really want to leave his family, but for now he wants to pretend he is single. Sounds twisted, I know! He admits to feeling confused about what he wants.

I know it must be time for Plan B. Honestly I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I am strong enough. Just trying to be honest. I have no job and no support system. I also feel like to go into Plan B you have to be ready for your marriage to end. You have to be strong enough to survive if the WH does not come back. I am not ready for that yet. I am not at all saying I think Plan B makes your marriage fail, I am saying that step means you are strong enough to let your marriage end if your WH does not come back.

I know that I do not want a D. I know that Plan A has gone on too long. I know I do not want a roommate, I want a husband. I feel sad always. I need a hobby or something to occupy my time. I hate being alone! I feel like a car stuck in a rut with the wheels spinning and going nowhere!

I am not sure what I am looking for here. Advice, encouragement, 2x4's. I am sure I need all of that.

Thanks for your time.

LITC, Have you expressed this to your H? You should never have to settle for "roomates" in a marriage. I would talk to him about that, and then see if you see any changes. If no changes in an alotted time, then move to plan B.

Is he still in "Affair" mode?

Lady

You don't want to Plan B.

What do you want to do?

Thank you.

I have told him I do not want to be roommates. I want to be his wife. He does not want to talk about any of it of course. He just says he is confused. Well, duh!!

What do I want...I want my husband to be the man I married and admired and my children looked up to for so many years.

What do I want to do? I don't know. I am willing to work at this. I understand the MB system works with Plan A and B, but I feel like Plan B is for those that are able to face D. NOT, that I think that happens every time, but I think the BS has to be able to face that reality. I don't think I am ready to face that yet.

Is that the wrong thinking about Plan B?

I can't seem to get a plan. My WH does not want to go live with another woman. He does not want a D. He just wants his family when it is convenient wth him. He is a very different man right now. Not mean or cruel or anything just different.

I must sound like a lunatic.

What do you gain by a too long Plan A?

What do you lose by a too long Plan A?

'you should never have to settle for room mates in a marriage'

Is that really a truism? Maybe sometimes it is necessary. I really feel for you LITC. I'm in a very similar situation except that at least your husband is confused about what he wants. Mine is adamant that he doesn't want our marriage to go on anymore but is staying for the children. He is still in our bed but it really hurts not to be able to touch him or have an emotional relationship with him. I know how confused and at a loss to know what to do you are. I also am at home and am trying to find my feet on my own. When you have depended on your husband so heavily for support it is hard to get on with your own life. I think if we are trying so hard to make our lives and relationships work it can't be so bleak and confusing forever. Something must give. I made a decision to commit fully to our relationship and adhere to the MB's advice even though my husband is totally withdrawn. I am trying really hard to not practice LBs and tend to his ENs, the ones he'll let me. I don't know how long to do it for and how long I will be able to go on without any feedback or encouragement. I am finding it difficult to know what is sacrifice and what is truly helping him and me but i'm going to give it a go. I'm going to drop things which don't seem to work and do more of the things which seem to have more positive results or at least do not rock the boat, and above all i'm trying to get my own life together and stay as cheerful as possible. I don't know if my posting will help you or even if i'm on the right track but at least i'm trying! Good luck and I hope the sun shines on you again soon

LITC, Plan B is to get him off the fence sitting, cake eating plane that he is on now. Therefore helping him to come to terms.... and make the decision. Sometimes it works, and unfortunately sometimes it doesn't.

Plan B is always a risk....but his fence sitting, cake eating abuse is more emotionally risky to you and your family.

Only you know when you can't take it any longer.

Love, Lady

Julie_Anne - Thank you for posting. Don't you feel like sometimes you have just lost your mind? I know I do. I have also been practing no LB's. I think most of the time I do ok, because my WH is not a mean person so we do get along. But, then I think, what am I doing?? Am I doing the right thing? I have been willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and keep my WH in our home. I do know there will come a time, when I have to save myself. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not, but it's what I feel I must do for now. I hope you keep posting to me because it helps.

Plan A Gain:
Contact with my H(WH)
Showing him that I love him
Letting the kids have contact with him
Having my best friend still around

Plan A Lose:
My feeling sad when he does not respond
My feelings hurt
Eventually I guess my love for him

Thank you Lady - I guess I will know when I can't take it any more. Some days I feel ok and think I can do this more and some days I feel like I just want to push him off the fence.

Have you read James Dobson's book

Love Must Be Tough

it's excellent ... you might be able to get it from your library

According to Dr Dobson ... you H's affair is continuing because he lacks respect for you.

According to Dobson, if your H does not respect you ... your M has no chance.

What are your thoughts on this?

http://www.family.org/resources/itempg.cfm?itemid=4434

Thank you for the link.

I think Dobson is right. Lack of respect is the worst kind of betrayal. Makes me think I should exam Plan B more closely.

Fear is a terrible thing and can paralyze a person.

I am learning...thank you:)

Fear ~of the right thing~ is not so terrible ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fear can be imobilizing ... but it can also be motivating !

I fear getting in a car crash and going through the windshield, so I fasten my seatbelt and I follow the rules of the road ... and I keep an eye open for cars out of control. All fear-based actions! But I don't just close my eyes because I feel afraid.

Dobson says

lack of respect kills love

he says that if the WS loses respect for the BS ... the love the WS had for the BS dies

now.... try to fit RESPECT in here ...

Hi ((((((Lost)))))
I'm so glad you're posting again. I've been waiting. Our situations are very simular. I've haven't gone into plan B but its in my backpocket. I'm no longer in plan A either. I've made changes that were good for me, FWH and kids. I resist my instinct to CA...which is really hard. I have accepted that I cannot change FWH and make him respond the way I think he should. What I have done is to really look at the way I respond and how it enabled certain behaviors. If I change my response the formula changes. I had become accostumed to suppressing my needs, desires and interests.I sacrificed them....I was a martyr. I'm getting in touch with those things again.


Are you the same woman your H married? You need to find yourself. And you probably are not the same woman you were then...you can't be...life experience has changed you...you are a mom now. My FWH was trying to be the guy he was before we were married the "single guy"....mid-life crisis I guess...he is trying to accept that he is no longer that guy...he's more. He has to do it his own time. It frustrates me!!!!

Why not find a part-time job? Take an adult ed class? Join a group for a hobby? Let WH know...HE needs to be here XYZ night to take care of kids because you have something to do.
Do NOT sacrifice yourself to avoid conflict.

Are you sure he is not involved in A now? Did you ever get the recorder?

Just my thoughts...I hope it helps.

I think you should see a divorce attorney to see where you stand should this go that direction.

Then depending on what the lawyer says I would consider getting some plan in case you will need to support yourself and kids at some point. Look into furthering your education, career counseling or something to help you make a plan in case you become a single parent.

Try to adopt a different attitude. In case you aren't already displaying these behaviors: try to be more upbeat, positive, and out going.

You might try to add some mystery to your relationship. Surprise your H with a weekend away, or tickets to a NHL game. You might try blindfolding him and drive him to the game as a surprise. Anyway, these are only a couple of examples to add to your plan A. The 'Light His Fire' series is one source for similar ideas.

Then when you have your ducks in a row and know that you and your kids will be alright, in case plan B does lead to a DV....then if nothing positive has happened you can ask your H to leave and go ahead and try to do a good Plan B.

Your marriage can be saved. It sounds like your H is going through a MLC. Being out until midnight each night is very suspect and disrespectful to you and your kids. Do you know for sure he isn't still in an A. What does his cell phone bill look like?

Lost:

IMHO, I think you need to make sure to do detective work to make sure that your H is no longer involved in an A.

I wouldn't want you to make the major mistake that I did of remaining in DENIAL too long.

It gave my FWH the message that I really didn't care what he did.

To me, he sounds just like my H did when he became more and more involved in a LTA...eventually "falling in love" with the FOW...

I personally find it hard to believe that a man whom you see as having a MLC is not having SF AT ALL...

I believe he must be getting this and other emotional needs met SOMEHOW..

Respect

I feel my WH respects me as my childrens mother.
I feel my WH respects my committment to our marriage.
I feel my WH has lost respect for himself and if you have no self respect how can you respect others?

This is so ironic because respect is something we talk to our kids about ALL the time and what WH talks to his hockey team about. He used to be the most respectful and respected man I knew.

C42 - How are you! Thanks for posting. I too think I have been a martyr without really realizing. I enjoy giving to my H and kids. I enjoy being a Mom. I have never really looked after my own needs. As long as everyone else was happy so was I. Now I have to learn to make myself happy.

I think my WH also wants to be a single guy. He loves attention. We seem to not be enough for him right now. I don't think my WH wants to accept that he is 41, retiring from the military and having to move on with his life. Time to grow up and he wants no part of it!

I have 2 nights a week that I don't have to take the kids somewhere so maybe I can find some kind of class or something.

When I write I feel like I sound pathetic. I really am not. When I am out at hockey with all the other parents I am happy and enjoy their company. It's just when I am home alone that I feel sad and anxious.

Everyone here helps and I so appreciate those that take the time to respond!!! It REALLY helps!!

PEP - You have a very good way of making me actually think about the situation and I very much apprecicate that.

Let's see if I can respond to those that wrote while I was writing.

We have been blessed with being able to do so many wonderful, exciting things I would not even know how to begin to surprise my WH. He has a job in NYC that allows him a VERY glamours life and he shares that with his family...well he used to more than now. This job also does demand a lot of his time and this week being MC birthday and Veterans Day he has been swamped with events so the late nights this week are justified. NOT making excuses, but I do know everything he has attended the past few nights.

I do need my ducks in a row. I would never consider D at this point but I guess I need to be prepared, right? I have my teaching degree, but right now am homeschooling my DS8.

DENIAL - I definiately see myself in denial. I try to comunicate with WH, but get no where so then I stop.

I said the same thing about no SF. Actually asked him about it. His response of course was denial and then said "I have been deployed for 6 months and longer and never had SF then so I am capable of going that long without."

Is it customary for the WH to ALWAYS deny everything??? Do they ever confess once confronted?

I have absolutely no way of catching him. He has been taking the train to work so a recorder in the car does no good. His cell phone is through work so I have no way of seeing that record. His cell phone is passworded so I can't get in and see that. He has no other email besides work to my knowledge so that is out. When he was bringing his govt car home I was looking through it but found nothing. So, I can't think of anything else.

Any suggestions?

Thanks once again to all who respond!!