Hi Lost,
Hope your weekend is going well. I've been thinking about you. What did you guys do together before kids? Will he do those things with you now?

It sounds like he is having a mid-life crisis...with the end to military career....lots of changes happening. I think he is there because he does not want to lose his family. The trick is to reach thru the fog and get him to notice that it is a possibility. I think men ...like the hunt...not the sure thing. You've become a sure thing. What can you do to shake that up? I'll share what shook my FWH up;
I started wearing earing and a little mascara and lip gloss everyday "Why are you all dressed up?"

When he left briefly in March...I put a new deadbolt on the door.
WS: Why the lock
Me: I don't feel safe
later he admitted just seeing the lock shook him to the core that he couldn't be with his family

New bras and matching underwear. (he didn't notice the 50 lbs I lost)
WS:Why haven't I seen those before
Me:I guess you weren't looking

Doing things and going places I enjoy. I would invite him if he declined I would ask a friend.
WS: Its like you are independant and doing things with out me.
Me: Yes, I'm doing things I enjoy, I wish you would join me.

I occassionally do a chore or household task that he would normally do.
WS: It seems you don't need me.
Me: I may have to learn to live without you, so I guess I don't need you but I still want you.

If he is late coming home for dinner and doesn't call ahead we eat dinner without him. (he's very big on dinner as family meal).
WS: You already ate?
Me: I wasn't sure if you were coming home.

Previously when WH was out late after a "meeting" I would wait up for him. So I stopped waiting up, turned off all the lights locked up the house (deadbolt and all). FWH stopped going to 75% of scheduled meetings and does not go out after is usually back home before kids are in bed.

August 2005 WH paid for a place to stay month of August. He went on business trip end of July early August, he planned on moving out when he got home. While he was gone I took down all wedding pictures, rearranged furniture, got rid of our king size bed and bought a double bed. I told him this over the phone.
WS: Can you pick me up from the airport?
Me: No.
WS: No?
Me: I love you. It would be too painful, I have missed you so much..I couldn't bare if I went to hug you and you pulled away.
WS: I understand.
When he got home from the airport the house was empty, the kids were with his brother and I had gone down to the beach.
Thats when it hit him what it would be like to have no family to come home to. He didn't like it. He never left.

We are still not out of the woods but we have come a long way. I have come a long way. I know you are afraid of plan B but you are a military wife. My Dad was in the Air Force for 22 years...military families are strong. You are stronger than you know. Going into plan B without a stratedgy or plan is scarey...once you develope a plan...planB is a blessing.

Being a lifetime military man I would lay money your H has a strong sense of family, duty, faith and honor. It is the core of who he is. WH is uncertain of his future and grasping for youth. H needs a wake up call to put WH under wraps!

Sorry this got so long. Guess I got carried away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

well

what an excellent post Mrs Confused42 !

outstanding

You are right...an excellant post!!! Thank you C42!!!

My weekend was good thanks for asking. Saturday was spent watching DS16 play hockey and then all 5 of us going out to eat. Then WH, myself and DS16 and DS8 went to see the Islanders/Bruins game. A fun time was had by all! Today I was up at 5AM to take DS8 to his hockey game. WH took DS16 to his game at 8AM and we met up for breakfast after. Did some yard work and WH had to go to work for a media symposium.

I love the suggestions you have given me and I think you are right about my WH counting on me to just be here for him. I had a new shirt on today and he noticed. I have started not waiting up for him and he now calls saying he is on his way home and wakes me up to let me know he is home. We do not wait on him for dinner any more.

I see that I need to do other things to show him that I can live without him. Shake him up a bit!

I do believe that my WH is uncertain about his/our future. The military has been his whole life as well as mine. This is a scary and exciting time. I have been looking forward to a life where we can settle and be a part of a community.

My WH also has no parents. He lost his Dad in 1994 while he was on deployment and his Mom in 2001 right after 9/11. He was heavily involved in the rescue and recovery at the World Trade Center. He also lost a brother to a freak tragic accident in 2003.

That is just to give you some background and to say that he has no extended family. I feel that he has no accountability. No family to tell him what he is doing is a mistake. I know he should have personal accountability, but...

That is why I don't understand how me can push me and the kids away. We are all he has. He just seems to crave this outside attention even though I think he realizes one day it will all be gone.

I feel like I am rambling.

I do appreciate all the responses and C42 you have given me lots of concrete ideas that I can implement.

Thanks!!!

Lost:

I've been thinking about you this weekend.

I see myself in you and I'm afraid for you if you don't wake up.

You are the closest person I've met here to being like I was before I discovered my H's affair.

I WAS IN DENIAL AND ENABLED MY H'S AFFAIR FOR YEARS...


He didn't come home for dinner..I said nothing..He came home late at night and stopped having sex with me..I said nothing..

We looked like the ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY..Soccer games...church...apple pie..you know the deal...

Meanwhile, my H who started off PLAYING with the OW during his MLC.. FELL IN LOVE WITH HER.... or so he thought...

I'm encouraging you not to accept this...

STOP THIS IN ITS TRACKS....

Read up all you can on PLAN A...

What needs do you need to address?

IT IS ALSO ESSENTIAL FOR YOU TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR....



Find out who the other woman is...her name

Find out when he sees her...

Is she married?

Does she work with him?

TELL HIM CLEARLY AND ASSERTIVELY THAT THIS IS NOT OK WITH YOU...

I'm telling you this to save you lots of heartache and most importantly to help you to begin to

FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!

MY FWH HIMSELF TOLD ME THAT THIS WOULD HAVE HELPED BECAUSE IT WAS SO EASY FOR HIM AND HE THOUGHT THAT I DIDN'T CARE....

Yes, an excuse, but BEHAVIORALLY, I think that you need to get to work.....

Sorry..I hope you will listen to me....

I hope it helps.

My FWH lost his Mom and is not close to his Dad. I think that has affected him more then he would care to admit.

It sounds as though you WH is lost himself...hopefully he will follow your beacon.

In the midst of my WH fog he said he loved me because I was the mother of his children but he wasn't in love with me...later he said he felt "drawn" to me. Maybe one of these days we'll be clear of the fog and he can see what love looks like.

How are you today?

What kind of business is your WH in now? Sounds like something with entertainment. What kind of business had the 2 of you planned for the summer?


Have you taken any babysteps today? I was thinking about the very first thing I did. It sounds stupid but I started saving change. I didn't want to take money away from the family. So I started saving change, then if I cut coupons whatever I saved went in the kitty. Wherever I saved a little money I stashed. Its not big bucks...yet. You can read here how many time WH doesn't come up with money to pay the bills. So if I need money for the electric or gas I've got it...if I need to feed my kids...if I need a car repair...phone bill...its not money I will spend easily...its not money I will admit to or count in a budget.
When all is said and done and I don't need it, we'll have a he!! of a 50th wedding anniversary party!(only 33 more years to go!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

^^bump^^^

What's up?

Just thinking about you. Here are you?

**knock**knock**
Lost are you there?
Whats up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry - I have been reading here, just one of those non-posting times because I am not sure what to say.

First C42 - I have been following your post and it sounds like your H is coming along! You are the lighthouse and he is following the light!

There are really no new developments for me. WH is still not committed. I still do not know who OW is. I am still trying to find ways to get some info.

I think I have decided to continue Plan A until after the holidays. I am doing this for my kids sake really. I know that there will always be something, but I do not have family close by so I guess I want my kids to have both their parents here. After the holidays I think I will have to go to Plan B. I just don't see things changing.

I was thinking about something and let me see if I can verbalize it so it makes sense. What is the importance of Plan B? Of never seeing or talking to your WS. Does this really help? I guess it could make the WS miss the BS and come home or it could make the WS realize they really do like being single and head towards divorce. I can see how the Plans work, but I see such sadness from the people in Plan B. Isn't this plan for when you are ready to be alone? To be divorced? If it doesn't happen then great, but isn't the purpose of Plan B to let the BS realize they can live without the WS? As well as to hopefully make the WS miss the BS and realize they do not want to live without the BS?

I guess I am wondering how many recovered marriages ever got to Plan B? A lot? How many that got to Plan B went to D? How many that stayed in Plan A recovered? How many ended in D?

I completely understand the concepts of Plans A and B. And I do think there comes a time when the WS needs to be shaken up and forced to see what life is like without their family. But I think the timing is unique in each situation.

I am working on my plan. I am not ready for Plan B although I think it is going to take that. I am doing some of the things Confused suggested. I am reading here and I am sad but I am surviving. I am healthy and so are my kids. They are doing well in school so I have a lot to be thankful for.

I love my kids. I am going to get my hair cut soon and try a new style. I will put up my Christmas decorations and celebrate the holidays even though my heart is sad. My birthday is on Thanksgiving Day this year. We will attend the Macy's parade as we do every year.

I miss my family.

Thanks for checking on me!!!

you don't...follow the plan and see

GOOD luck

Reb

Lost:

I invite you to read my thread -THOUGHTS FROM A FBS..

May answer some of your questions...

Thanks Reborn Man, but I guess I don't understand your response?

You don't what?? Know if it works? I am not looking for a guarantee, but I also don't think following a plan just because someones says to makes much sense either.

I guess that is why I have not gone into Plan B yet. I personally do not see much chance of recovery once a person goes into Plan B. I think it is more for a chance for all parties to see what life will be like when a D occurs. This sometimes shakes the WS up and sometimes does not.

I know I could be wrong about this, but am just expressing some thoughts to see what others have to say.

Since you chose to respond can I ask what plan you are in? This always helps when I hear personal stories.

Thanks!!!

Thanks Mimi - I will find that thread and read it.

You offer a lot to my situation and I appreciate it!

Dear Lost,

What I was trying to say is this....either follow the plan outlined in the books or don't..it is up to you.

You are an adult, you have a choice.

If you think you are smarter than Dr. Harley, his progeny, and 50,000 other people that have used it, then do it your way.

If you value experience then follow his guidelines.

As for me? I am in plan F for freedom....Would I have the end result different for my kids sake? Absolutely!

Would I do it differently? Never in a million years!

I am in plan D or R...depends how you see it...Divorce if you see it as an end or Recovery if you see it as a beginning.

I'd be glad to expound on it if you'd like....Good Luck!

Reb

feel free to e-mail me at

senedal@excite.com

that id for you or anyone else that wants to chat, vent, ******, or moan...even advise!

talk later

No thanks Reborn - Don't need anything else from you!

Thans for taking the time to post.

Hi Lost!
You gotta check in every now then cause we worry, ya know!
You sound like me around this time last year...only I knew who OW was but couldn't prove it. Last year the holidays were REALLY hard because I felt like that when each holiday came up it would be the last we celebrated together as a family.

Keep reading and keep posting. Plan A and prepare for plan B. I'm not an expert on plan B...but I am an expert on getting ready for it!! For me, going through the steps were essential. During plan A I had a lot of growth and self awareness...I took a long hard look at the wife I had become. I took the steps to improve the wife, the mother, the person I wanted to be. Not what others thought I should be or even what I thought WH wanted me to be. It takes time. Time is on your side. In some situations, WS decides when they leave they don't get to decide BS's response.

The way I see plan B...its your last best shot. Its the Ace up your sleeve. When you do plan B YOU need to be ready for it...not him. Like I said before, its my survival guide incase of emergency. Plan A helps with your self-esteem, do things that you will be proud of...chances are if WH notices he won't say anything for a long time. So don't do things based on his approval. As you prepare for plan B you will gain self-confidence and self-respect. Hopefully your light will help bring WH out of the fog. If he doesn't come out of the fog its you to decide when you have had enough.When you enter plan B you take control of your life and independance...this is not good enough and I will not accept less than I deserve!! Its asserting your self-respect.

Thats how I see it.

Thanks C42!

I agree with you about Plan B. It is your last best shot. Therefore I think to go into Plan B you have to be fully prepared to have to go through a D. I think it is a very personal decision and one that should not be taken lightly.

I am not saying I don't believe in these concepts because I do or I would not be here. I am fighting to save my marriage. I am not at all ready for a D or to even talk about one. I am pretty sure my WH is not either. I also think I am still strong enough to be in Plan A at least until after the holidays. Then I can re-evaluate my life and where I am at.

The way I see it you have these options:
Plan A-Plan B-Recovery
Plan A-Plan B-Divorce
Plan A-Recovery
Plan A-Divorce

I wonder which of these happens the most? Some cases are clear cut for Plan B. If a WS moves out and into the home of OP then Plan B is natural. But if the WS comes home at night and may have OP or may not and is still sort of a part of the family, is asking them to leave the house the right thing? Why not have them around so they can have the chance to reconnect?

Really I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am just trying to do what is best for me and my family. My WH does not want to move out and I do not want him to. So after the holidays I will look into Plan B.

I realize I have to prepare myself for my future and that is what I am doing.

Thanks again for checking in!!!

I have been reading Mimi's threads and they are very worth reading. I see myself in a lot of them.

Lost:

You sound very analytical and I can relate to that..

So think some more about the concept of your H being a CAKE-EATER..

When I have time soon, I will share what I have learned about the MIND AND BEHAVIORS OF A CAKE-EATING WH..He wants the WIFEY AND HOMELIFE and the OW at the same time....

The problem is THE DENIAL AND ENABLING OF THE BS...We err..well, I did... in allowing the WS to become even more involved with the OW and entrenched in the A....

I did this for years resulting in the LTA...and then did it again after the A was discovered...

Do you see what I mean?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />