Reposted from other room.. Newbie at this so i didnt know..o.k. I hope i got this right.. sorry for posting this 3 times so far.. but i hope this is the right room to post in now..
same story.. update info at end

I dont know where to start. I found out recently that my H is having an affair. He is still denying it ever happened. He has been lying and with every lie, I have been catching him. As of yesterday it is supposedly over. I have so many "connections" that led me to the truth. And the main source said he text msgd her yesterday and told her it was over, to lose his number, and not to bother him anymore. (they work together but 2 different departments)and after that she txt him back saying " I would do anything for you, i love you" I was told it has been going on for a short while, maybe about the past 2 or 3 months. We have been having problems for a long time. We tried counseling but after 3 sessions he gave up. I found numbers and called them, note, uneplained new jeans and shirt, text messages etc, asked questions all over etc. My blanks to questions were being filled in. He is depressed right now. I gave him the chance to admit to it that i would forgive him and he denied it. Finally, when i received information yesterday that he was ending it, I was releived but hurt, angry and not sure what the next step would be. I wrote him a letter telling him my gut instincts and what my heart felt that i know about the affair, telling him i would like him to come to me and admit it so we can get past it together.. he has yet to say anything. I am done investigating, i had my fill. I already confronted the OW, but she denied it as well (that was the night i found out so i confronted her when they were both MIA)I printed out all the information i could on marriage builders. i dont know what to do until he comes and admits it to me. I made an appt to be checked out because we have been intimate. I feel stuck in limbo, waiting for him to admit it so we can work on getting past it. I know the truth but need to hear it from him. What can i do..? do i wait? Do i approach him again? I had a change in attitude after i gave him my letter in a positive way, because the past few weeks i have been checking up on him, contacting people asking questions etc...it's been tense and emotional. He has not mentioned anything i wrote to him in the letter yet and i dont know how to approach him without "nagging" him to talk about it. Please help.

11-10-05:
I forgot to mention our baby is due 1/06. From connections, i was told that he shared that i wrote him a letter and that i know he cheated, but we are going to get through this.
My mind is wondering not sure when or if there is anything i can do to help let us talk about it or discuss that an affair happend to begin healing process. How can we work on something when he has not come to me and admit it. I am now in fear of it being over and that each time him and I are not getting along, he is going to go back with her. How do i know it is definately over? I feel like i am stuck in limbo. I am ready to talk/listen so we can start the process. Right now we can not afford a marriage counselor. and we were seeing our priest a few months back until the priest said something that he did not like, so he stopped going and i still go. We have no kids this weekend. ( i have a 10yr. old from previous, and he has 11 yr old as well) He already lied saying that he has no work tomorrow. I checked it out and he has work. Should i follow him or should i confront him about it? i feel desperate to hear his feelings and for us to work on our marriage. Right now we arent.

Glad you're here! Help is on the Way!

Read all you can about A and B. Get His Needs Her Needs! And learn all you can here period!

Sounds like he may still be a foggy guy, but may see some light so that is awesome!

Yes your M can be healed! Yes it can. Congratulations on the baby. Let's work to getting your family whole so you both can welcome the little one and the new year!

Been blessed by many friends here and you will find some I know!

You can do it!

...'06

Thought I'd bump this thread for ya. Some of the ladies around here will be stopping by this evening for sure.

Question: Is WH denying he had an affair trying to characterize it as a "friendship" or something less than what it is?

Mr. Wondering

When i first approached him that the other girl from work told me that he told her and another guy from work that he has been sleeping with OW for a while now. (first surface) He said she is lying because she wants him and that she is jeolous. He said OW and him are friends, he goes to her and vents on me and him and our problems. (he stopped communicating with me for awhile) I asked him why he didt come to me and talk like he is supposed to and he said she understands him..anyways the night i confronted OW at her mothers, she denied anything happening other than him coming to her and telling her about our marital problems and that she tells him that we should go to counseling and that she is on Celexia for depression because her 2yr old's father cheated on her. I forgot to mention, when i called an incoming number from his cell it was OW mom's home line. I talked to the mother and she said she would to OW and have her call me. Well that night, as me and her mother are waiting for her to get home, I asked her mom if she gave her the message to call me. She said that OW told her not to worry about it because he is separated and getting a divorce. That is what kept me not beleiving her 100%. When OW came home and i approached her she was kinda stumbly, but did not look at me in the eyes when she said nothing happened and to let her explain, she was walking up to her porch steps. I feel H is trying to push it under the rug, thinking it will blow over, but it is not. It is killing me he wont talk about it. His friend from work I will call her JN, talks to me everyday and she was the one that H told to her that he cant believe i know he cheated, that i want our marriage to work and that he and i are looking forward to sharing our daughter together. We waited so long for her trying upon trying, i was told i wouldnt conceive again. (another story) and when we found out he was excited. But then we started to really drift apart, fighting everyday etc. Well its not going to work with me in limbo. I really feel the need to hear him at least admit it, sharing the pain and being able to apologize to each other. Me not meeting his needs and him having the A and not meeting my needs as well. I tell him always i would never cheat. I dont have it in me. I dont beleive in divorce and I beleive and Trust in God to know that forgiving him is the right thing to do. I feel that if the guilt is off his chest it will leave less tension, i am waiting and in the meantime he seems to be very depressed. Maybe i should post the letter i wrote to him. I dunno. I should also add that i am attending the University of Phoenix Online for my BSM, and school takes alot of time away from him and the kids. I hate it, but i should be done by Jan. 07 the latest. He also endulges himself in the Playstation 2 football games. All the time, everynight, if i am doing school work he is playing the game, that is ok..but you would think he would spend time with me when i am done, not stay up till 3 am. There were many nights he would start a fight and end up leaving. I would stay overnights at his moms ( she and I are like best friends, i knew her before him and I met,strange huh) to escape the tension and basically avoid his anger just so he had a reason to leave all mad etc. this past sunday is when he accused me of having an A, in such an angry and raging way. I never saw that part of him before. I didnt give him any reactions and went to bed. I could go on, but i am rambling and probably off subjects etc. Bottom line.. where do i go from here? I go home, we sleep in the same bed now (before he slept on the couch for very offten and frequently) I will share this though, when i came home from vacation (he did not go cause he could not get teh time off so me and my son went to disney for his b'day, i needed to spend one on one with him before the baby came anyway) We were intimate the day after i came home. It seemed awkward, he normally does not last real long if we havent been intimate for awhile and it was awhile so i expected it to be less time. He couldnt even finish (which only happened i'd say 3 times since we known each other) i asked him if it was me and he said no, that he is just scared he would hurt the baby. I immediatly got chills, and my instincts were rolling. Plus, he was not himself he did and said things he normally would not say. ok.. i am so sorry i am rambling again.

before any confusion.. JN is H's friend from work W.

A woman's instincts are usually dead-on, especially a pregnant woman. I'd bet the house he consumated the affair during your trip to disney. Accusing you of having an affair is a dead give away also. Textbook WS.

He may be remorseful or not...you will need to see how he reacts over the next few days. You don't have to follow him tomorrow if you get that recorder into his car.

You mentioned the family issues he has. We call that FOO around here (Family of Origin). If you search FOO you will likely find some good threads on the subject.

Mr. Wondering

The recorder sounds nice.. but last minute planning dont think it will work. I was going to tell him that i checked it out and he does have work tomorrow and that we cant afford for him to take off.

OK, ..1st, sorry for your current plight.

Second, considering everything, and his lying to you about work, you should consider him having contact and continuing the affair.

I appreciate your being in "limbo", but are you really? I mean, do you really think that contact has stopped? Of course you don't. There is a reason why you are so extremely unsettled about all of this.

If you do confirm contact, what are you going to do about it?

You cannot possibly "work" on the marriage untill the affair has stopped. So, I would ask you about what things you have done to expose the affair and break up this adulterous liason that is crippling your family unit? Have you done your "part" in exterminating the affair.

I think you know his "feelings" about all of this, as he looks to be quite probably still in the throes of the affair. The recording device is good advice, as I belive all knowledge is power, but still IMVHO should not be the highest thing on your priority.

Hearing his "fogged" out feelings on the matter is not likely to give you a "respite" from the pain. His actions matter, not his words.

Q: How can you tell if your cheater husband is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Depression aftyer NC is "good", it indicates withdrawal.....if his "mood" picks up over the next day or two......be wary.


Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,
Part of me wants to beleive his friend at work saying he sent the txt msg that it is over, but when i heard him say he is off tomorrow, you are right, thoughts of it not being over came first to mind. I am off, but when he asked me I told him i had to work, just to see what he would say..was i wrong for lieing?? he asked me first and then he said he was off. I wanted to see what he would say. I really cant follow him. My car is way to noticable, it has decals on it that no other type of car would have. I was thinking of trying to follow him, or trying to borrow a friends car.. but its to late to ask now..

I want to believe the contact has stopped but no solid proof it has other than what his friend from work said. (the husband of the wife i talk to). His friend wanted me to see it for myself before telling me what was in it. I didnt have H pw to get in but friend gave me a hint to figure it out. BUT, H has that on him 24-7, with an exception to the time he left it and i snooped. I have not yet asked to see it since and I am afraid what he would say or do if i did.

I imagined having a video cam. with me and show it to her mother (who is so against her being with a married man) and both sides of the family to expose him. But this thought is when i was extremly P*st off. Not sure if that would be a good idea.

His mother is aware but refuses to speak with him at the moment, and they have not been on talking terms for a while, which he says he blames me cause me and her are close. Everyone at his workplace, has pretty much heard about me, calling numbers and rumors started big time to the point were he wants to leave the job. Besides confronting the OW, and having a conversation with OW mother (but that is when OW denied it)..I spoke to a friend of his from his to help me check up on him and he knows, his sons mother knows, and a mother figure of his (close friends mom) knows. what else can i do to exterminiate? I was thinking of dropping off the jeans and shirt she bought him in front of her house, but not sure what that would do? or if it is too childish for me to do??

He tells me he loves me when we talk on the phone, he says it first. I would get a recording device but would not be able to afford it at the moment.

when you say "fogged" out, i am sorry...i dont know what you mean. I dont want to be intimate till i know it is over and the test results come back. I was thinking of telling him to get tested but not sure if that is good right now either..

o.k.. you said something about the depression.. how long is this going to last.. in the meantime, what am i supposed to do? Ask him if he is ok everyday, try to cuddle without teasing him or leading him to beleive i want to be intimate?
When you say "if his mood picks up" do you mean in him being happy go lucky and care free or being nast towards me and distant??

Well, "fogged" out is a term commonly used to describe Cheating Spouses who are in the throes of an affair and act and say things as if they are living in a "fog" state (i.e not clear)...much of what they say and more importantly "do" is not rational. That is what "fog" means. It is by NO MEANS an excuse or "pardon" for what they do ( a fact that ***some*** people here are in error about).

You don't have ANYTHING near a confession or good evidence that No Cotact has been achieved. I would disregard anything that ***someone*** else says regarding your Cheating Husbands actions of NO CONTACT. Considering the huge impact about this to has on your life, I would get more information and be more sure about it.

I would redirect your efforts to make those who matter more aware of his actions and the destructive effect it is having on your marriage. I definitely feel that your are "holding" back here, because you are scared to rock the boat that you "think" you have steady. Honey. you don't have it steady....and it will sink without more attention to doing some of the things that people advice here.

When it comes to active cheaters, I go by the motto of "believing nothing what you hear" and only "half of what you see".

I honestly will refrain from giving you advice regarding the "Plan A" or "Plan B" of this site, and for winning your WH back or supporting his Emotional Needs while he actively cheats on you. I am honestly not a great source of information for that stuff.

With respect to the STD testing and refraining from Sexual Contact I am 100% agreement that you are doing the responsible thing for your life. More of us can hopefully follow your lead here. Asking your "actively" cheating husband to get tested is a waste of time...won't matter NOW WHILE you are protecting your body from his potentially permanent destructive behavior.

A repetant FORMER Cheating Spouse who is intent on recovering a marriage with you would NOT have any issues whatsoever in getting tested and refraining from sexual behavior untill the testing is done. Your Husband does not sound like he fits nearly into that mold yet.

Goodluck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks lem,
you make alot of sense. I feel that i should approach him in a verbal form, instead of writing a letter to him telling him we really need to discuss what is happening to us, the marriage, him and me. Those are my thought when i read your post. The other thing is this.. for awhile he slept on the couch. Now, he is sleeping next to me but not engaging in anything or even trying to. It feels so weird to know what has happened, that it could or is still going on ( i am in denial i guess) and him to be able to lay next to me in bed. He wont touch me to cuddle, (i wont engage in sex, like i said before) he keeps his hands to himself and come to think of it, it makes me feel like I did something wrong or he has no feelings for me to even try (again not to engage in sex)

UPDATe was distant to me again, miserable when he woke up. H did go to work. I went and picked up micky d's and took it to his work on his lunch. He did no expect me. OW car was parked far from his. She comes out goes to her car, sees me and goes back in. Ten mins later she comes back out with antoher co-worker then H friend that talk to goes to his W car. H comes out and comes over to me not looking to happy that i was there, almost disgusted like how dare i. As OW drives away with co-worker, H looks at them in "shock and awe" almost as if he couldnt beleive his eyes. After that he was ingnorant to me, I told him he is making me feel uncomfortable that all i wanted to do was surprise him. He yelled at me for parking in an area i didnt know i couldnt park. the next parking spot was in front of the wharehouse dock, next to OW car, and didnt want to park there. I told him i didnt want to park with the rest of the cars. He asked me if i did my school work last night, i told him that i couldnt concentrate, he was like "why now.." in a tone that seemed like he really didnt want to hear it. then he said "I thought the letter was going to be the end of it", I told him this was not the time nor the place to discuss this, and that we do need to talk about it, he said "you dont know nothing", and "am i going to hear about this everyday?" i have not brought any verbal on this only in the letter i wrote him (as i am waiting for him and I to talk about it) I proceeded to tell him, not sure if this is good but i told him that i am not at fault here he his and that we need to talk about it but not here. I kept telling him i did not come up here to argue. In the past for him to have an excuse to leave and go do what he wants expecially on weekends, he would pick a fight.

We are currently renting a house and had plans to move, i told him that I found a place and that it is cheaper than what we are paying now.. (he complained of financial stress so i lightened up) he said "it better not be near my mother (it's across the street)or i will get a room" i told him i guess your getting a room, he got out of my car and went in early for lunch. I drove away and just tried calling him now and he did not answer. I called my connection and H is at his house. Waiting to be filled in. I wrote down her license plate though.. that felt good. I also realized I saw her in the vacinity of where my husband hangs out with his old buddies on Nov. 1st. I wasnt sure if her car had a wing on the back cause one drove by the gas station i was at heading towards H area etc. Her car has a wing, and there is not many cars like hers in that color.

It cant be over between them.. something is up.