After much thought, I finally pulled the plug today and sent out the plan B letter. Hardest thing I have ever done. I was shaking just filling out the FedEx form! I almost chickened out too.

This is after 3 MC's with the last one talking to Steve Harley. 2 of the 3 MC's agree it is time for silent running. Steve actually went through my letter and made some good suggestions. Arrival date is tomorrow seeing that WW is visiting family which affords me the perfect opportunity.

My W is jerking me around. Her emotions are off the chart and she is fence sitting, and has been for the last 4.5 months. Counseling was stopped, contact with OM had failed the first time, but this second time, appears to be working although WW has repeatedly stated she has no ambition to work on the M. Says she will leave no matter what in June after child finishes school. I feel she may be in some sort of contact through the OM relative who just happens to be my WW's best friend. This is after over 500 phone calls in 3 months to the OM!

One MC said pay attention to WW's desired will, which is to leave and has not changed in 4.5 months. I believe contact will resume at that point and she is merely going through the motions and waiting out the next 7 months. I simply have come to a point where I cannot tolerate playing married and living a lie. My integrity is at stake. It is just to painful to endure.

WW went to visit family but managed to take a bunch of lingiere and we aren't talking P.J.'s here. Also discovered a romantic card not filled out, but stuffed in the suitcase. When confronted on the way to the airport, she claims it got stuck in between some pages of a book and that it was nothing. Note, she had originally bought this card to send to OM and admitted it back in Sept. I had kept a close eye on the hiding place to see when it moved. And now it has. SIL has scolded me for snooping through her stuff. How dare I! Ahh, how dare my WW for the A!

Anyway, it is done. Somehow though I am supposed to feel relieved and elated, but instead I am fearful. It is going to be a long night and day waiting for that first call. Of course, I can't answer the call, but I'm sure it will be made. A part of me hopes that this will not drive her into OM's arms, but I really can't control her behavior. As Dobson says, no more apeasement. It's tough love time even though her friends and family think I am going overboard and this will do more harm than good.

Then comes the weekend when I have to tell my kids. Steve did give me a great line/question to pose to my kids who are young adults. It goes, "when is an affair O.K." When I get them to answer that question, then any response or reason from my WW blaming me won't fly.

So, this is difficult and it is every bit as stressful as when I found out about the A. At least now, I am in a better place and have some control. Hopefully, as the days wear on, it will get easier. Right now though it is pure ******....damned if I do and damned if I don't!

p47d

First of all i wish you the best. Wondering if you would post the letter??

Posting the letter?

I am not ashamed of anything in the letter, but I prefer to wait.

I would hate to post a letter that turns out to be a dud, but I will give it some thought.

Mortarman has seen the letter and he thought it was good, so I have one in the plus column.

thanks for the encouragement,

p47d

Good luck j.g.

Hope the kids take the news well. I think I read around here somewhere that it is O.K. for them to support the betrayed parent but that they must not be allowed to be disrespectful to the WS parent.

Mr. Wondering

We're here if you need a joke or a cyber stimulent or som'pin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

it's OK to be emotional ... not to worry

P47D,

Only good can come from this course of action. Prayers offered for your strength.

Good luck. You will be surprised how good you feel in a short time.

Maybe check this thread out as a timely example of what to expect:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2858369

Before you know it you will be experiencing excitement of new challenges. Well, you do have to exert yourself and explore new things a bit though.

With prayers,

"WW went to visit family but managed to take a bunch of lingiere and we aren't talking P.J.'s here."

You know she plans on having SF with OM during her “family” visit, don't you? Denying the obvious will not help your cause.

Plan B sounds right to me especially if Steve condones it. If you feel like breaking Plan B to talk to your WW, as you undoubtedly will, come and vent on MB. We are here to support you and will help you through it. Best.

AM update, D-day + 1:

Thanks to all who chimmed in! You have no idea how much I appreciate these small words of encouragement. Without many to talk to, it is easy to feel like Tom Hanks stranded on that island all alone! Now, where's Wilson?

I feel great this morning. Slept pretty good last night and didn't need any meds!

After all the worry yesterday, most of it is gone today. I guess I am confident that I am doing the right thing even though from an outsiders point of view, i.e. WW's family and friends, it appears harsh. Steve is O.K. with it as was my other MC as well as Dr. Dobson. So even though doubt comes in, I still believe I did the right thing (in love). Plus I have this community that also believes this is the correct path and at this point, my only real choice.

Now, the ball is totally in her court. Funny, months ago she said it all comes down to her. It is her decision she said, and now it looks like she got her wish.

I did speak with her last night and not a lot was said. This does not violate plan B does it since she has not gotten the letter yet IMO. I just wanted to make that clarification. But today is the start of NC in earnest.

Only minor chit-chat about what she is doing every day. Nothing mentioned about her feelings or our M. Just ramblings. I was very cool and basically cold to the whole conversation and I actually broke off the call when we kept having these moments of silence. I did end the call by telling her to remember that I loved her. She seemed taken aback by that, and said, "remember?" I replied, just remember that I love you. Then I hung up. She never said she loved me back. Oh well, onward!

I realize that might be the last time I talk to her in any kind of sevility, at least from her. I am resolved though to not pick up the phone. In fact, my cell phone is shut off right now and I will only turn it on briefly. Hey, no one ever calls me anyway but her, so it's no loss. I also will not pick up the land line, but will let the answering machine take the call(s). This way, I will have a history of any negative or threatening calls she may make. This also applies for my work phone too.

She has a big night out planned with some of her girlfriends to celebrate her birthday. I would love to be a fly on the wall at that dinner party!

Anyway, the next big hurdle is telling my kids!

Thanks again for the support, and I'll check back in with some daily updates or when things really start to get heated as I'm sure they will this weekend. I'm hoping that after my daughter learns of this, that she will cancel her trip to be with her mother over T'day. I can't force her to go or not to go or even suggest it, but I can hope that given the question of when is it O.K. to have an affair, she will see that her mother is totally in the wrong and not want to be part of her deception. Then with that, I'm hoping that my son and my daughter will join me for T'day. Now that will drive a stake through the heart! My son is going to be crushed with this news though. I am worried about his reaction since he is very close with his mother.

again, thanks

p47d

MrWondering:

Thanks, but I doubt the kids will take it well. That will be the next big project to insure that they get some counseling too. It's gonna hurt.

I'll be talking to ya later today, so expect a phone call after I get out of work.

thanks for lending me an ear. And tell the betterhalf that Plan B has begun.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life....

p47d

Weekend update:

WW got letter on Friday via FedEx. No attempted contact on Friday. No attempted contact all weekend, so WW is sticking to my request for NC.

Saturday: Got kids together and spilled the beans. Much weeping and nashing of the teeth. Kids are devestated to say the least (they are 18 and 19). Of course they can't understand why mom is doing this.

I tried to keep them focused on the fact that this really isn't their mother but that right now, their mother is confused and in a huge fog. Basically she cannot think straight. After a couple of hours of talking things through, they settled down and reality hit. More converstations through the day and finally had my son talk to our pastor which went well. All day Saturday, WW kept calling them trying to get a return call.

Sunday: WW keeps leaving messages to call and can't understand why they are not returning calls. No. 2 child wants to call her, and I say at this point, I cannot stop them, but to be aware that mom is not herself and to keep focused and not let her babble on about sidebar issues. Keep your conversation on point. Pastor told her to make sure she knows how you feel and that you will not accept her behavior.

No. 2 child came through like a champ. Held mom's feet to the fire and said that they did not agree, and would not accept her behavior. Mom says that it is more complicated than she thinks. No. 2 says, Mom when is it O.K. to have an affair? Mom doesn't answer but then starts in on trusting God and so forth. No. 2 then states that she is trusting God, but what about you? Tells WW that she is violating everything she taught her through the years! And why is SHE not following God or listening to Him. Bingo..
No. 2 then tells WW to not call her and that when No. 2 is ready they will call her, and not before.

No. 1 then gets call from WMom. He does not answer. I call and tell them to be careful that WM needs love now and not to yell at her, but keep her on point. Focus on your feelings and how she hurt you and what you think of her actions.

No. 1 calls back and says they did just that. Told WM that they do not accept nor condone behavior and that they have ruined their life by doing this. WM breaks down on the phone to No. 1 and admits that what she is doing is wrong. No. 1 then says to not call that they will call her when they are ready to talk.

I couldn't have been more proud of the way my children handled this. Instead of calling her a bunch of names and saying they hate her etc., they told her that they loved her, but could not and will not accept her behavior. They also told her that she has hurt them tremendously. WW is still not ready to give up this dream, but at least I got a scrap of food. Not much, but she did say it was not over to my kids and did acknowledge that what she is doing is wrong.

Now, I wonder how she slept last night knowing not only do her kids know, but they will not accept the current stituation.

Still no attempt to contact me though and I'm sure today, WW is really mad at me for telling them. She had indicated that she wanted both of us to tell them! Yea, right! Like the truth would have come out in that conversation! Fog!

So, the winepress has been cranked up a couple of nothches and I've been in contact with some of her friends and they are starting to apply more pressue too, so maybe with a few more holes punched in the fog and with the holidays fast approaching, she will see that her children are distraught and want to come home. Right now, No. 2 has said that they do not want WMom to come home until she is ready to work things out.

So, tough weekend, but at least Plan B is still on track. Hopefully, over the next two weeks, with the lack of communication, see will see the light and try to move towards finding her way out of this dark tunnel.

p47d

You greatly increased the odds of saving your M by your actions this weekend. I am very proud of you.

I along with others on this forum will be there for you as you embark on this new chapter on your sitch. You are in my prayers.

As the Czar of Plan B...I welcome you to Plan B...and the rest of your life. You have made the step forward that was needed for you, for your kids...and for your wife.

The only question now is how she will respond. But that is no longer your concern. You are about getting YOU together now. You see, if she doesnt come back, then you have a new life to prepare and plan for. If she does come back, then you will have a lot of work to do...much more than you have had to do so far.

So, get on the business of getting you on your feet. Spend a lot of quality time with the Lord. You cannot go wrong doing that.

And leave the rollercoaster to your wife.

In His arms.

REALLY a great job with your kids .... stick around .... you are a real asset here.

Pep,

Don't count my chickens before they hatch!

Just when I thought I had a single sliver of light, it gets snuffed out.

Talked with my pastor at lunch and he had just talked with WW. He was not happy and basically from his tone, indicated to me that WW was all but through with the M. He was really depressed.

In his opinion, she called him merely to find out if he had encouraged me to tell my kids. He did not and said so.

WW also said that she thought the plan B letter was to say to her, either repent and work on the marriage or don't come home.

He also told her (again) that she only has two choices. Live in sin and disobedience or repent and try and restore the M. She is still refusing and according to him, he didn't even see a crack in her armor.

Of course, she is angry that I told the kids and is lashing out at that, but this new development is putting a damp rag on things. I need some good or positive news! But I guess hearing my kids stick up for what is right and true must hold me over for now. Integrity is never an easy road.

Mortarman has been kind enough to remind me of a few things and just as Rome was not built in a day, I know that this will be a long and winding road.

I know she is under severe condemnation and pressure and I'm just hoping that one of her friends or at the very least, her children can break through the fog.

Right now though, it is depressing with these current events. I know I have done the right thing and now I guess I just have to be patient and wait for the cake to rise so to speak.

p47d

P47D,

I think you are miss reading things completely. You said
Nonsense! Your single sliver of light has not shown up yet, it is WAY too early for that to happen. You don't understand this process very well it seems. Plan B has two major effects and many small ones. First, it removes you from the drama of daily having to deal with her A and her attitude. That will prolong your love for her. The other major thing Plan B does is gets you used to focusing on yourself, your children, and YOUR life. One of the most debilitating aspects of a spouses A is how it distorts the bS's life and their perspective. While in plan B balance can be restored, and you will be able to see things much more clearly. In a way you are going to go through withdrawal from your W and it will allow you to see things more clearly. Some have called this the BS fog that is clearing. So hang in there. Nothing important is going to happen for a month perhaps even more.


Of course he was depressed he thought that his powers of persuasion were good enough to change the direction of a battle ship on a dime. It does not work that way. Your W has been telling you she is through with you for months now, so nothing has changed and clearly they are NOT worse. Have patience P47D, plan B will change your life, and possibly your W's life. Give it time.


Yes, so what is new? She is more worried about her image with the kids than you or the minister because you both KNOW what she has done but the kids did not. Life is rough when you are a liar and a cheat and she is finding out that her choices have consequences. She may run from them or she may decide to face them, but that will happen later.

Sounds like she broke the code. You want exactly this. SHe is just going to use it as an excuse to blame you. Nothing changes there either. Steady as she goes Captain you are steering a true course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Of course not. SHe has been justifying her actions for a long time, and his powers of persuasion are not that strong and neither of yours. Her armour will crack from the inside pressures if they crack at all. Don't worry about it. This is pretty normal.


There is NO NEW NEWS, P47D. Nothing has changed and it was unlikely to change for awhile. Have patience with yourself and your W, and be darned proud of your kids. You reared them properly from the sounds of it. You have nothing to be down about.

Yes, listen to MM. This is a process NOT a solution. Let the process work and you may be surprised how it will work out. It may or may not be what you want or expect now, but let me assure you that YOU will be better off for it no matter what. Give it time, focus on YOUR life, your kids, and your future. You will be rewarded for doing that.


WRONG, it is not friends or children that will break through. She will have to break out. The pressure has to build up internally and if she feels it is to her advantage to break down her walls and address things, she will. IF she does not, she will not. It is HER call no one elses. Remember this your W is making decisions about her, no one else can or should. You can simply offer her an alternative and a different marriage IF she decides to work on it. If she does not then it is over. Focus on YOU.

THere are no current events! Nothing has changed and you have simply changes the rules of engagement. It will help you survive this. Plan B is not meant to help your W nor change her mind. It may happen, but that is really not part of the plan. It is about prolonging YOUR ability to rebuild IF she changes her mind after the A ends. There will come a time if this continues when you will not want to work on the marriage and when that happens there will be an ending becuase recovery takes a lot of strength and love on the part of someone and if you are drained and she is ambivalent, recovery will not occur. Get this straight, YOU cannot affect her thinking. She has to do that for herself.

Hang in there, this has a long way to go.

God Bless,

JL

JL is absolutely correct. As I wrote in my email to you today, this is now about you and getting back on your feet. Life is now changing, and it will get better as you go. Either with your wife or without. The he!! of the affair is over for you. No more rollercoaster. No more worrying.

You own your life again! Now get busy cleaning up the mess and getting your life moving again. If your wife does come back, you will need that going because it takes a lot of time and effort for recovery. More than it took for Plan A. If she doesnt come back, then it is time to stop wasting anymore time on this and start getting your new life together.

You see, whether your wife comes back or not, the steps are the same for you in Plan B. So, concentrate on you. God has her now. She is no longer your business, nor your concern.

In His arms.

Excellent advice, MM and JL.

P47D (love your name as I am a big fan of this WWII airplane) it really is time to focus on you, get busy, get active, get fit, etc. The focus is no longer on your M and one of the keys I found for myself was exercise, which will relieve some of the pain and stress you are going through. The other is to try and get out to meet new people, do new things. This is a process, not a solution.

This really is about you and you becoming a BETTER PERSON. If your WS comes around, so be it, but that no longer is your concern as YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF.

You have a lot of life to live...now START LIVING IT!

Nature

P47D,

You have been given good advice.

I am here to support you and encourage you to take advantage of PLAN B and focus on yourself, your needs, your kids, and to no longer waste 'mental energy' on your WS.

I can certainly vouch for the fact, if you're not feeling good about it right now, by removing yourself from the chaos of the A you will start to feel better soon. Hang in there.

Whenever you 'think' about WS, try to remind yourself that it would be an unproductive use of your energy and think/do something that would be more productive, that you 'control'.

Good luck.

Thanks all for the input. I must admit that going it alone is often akin to steering a rudderless ship. But I do see, with the help and advice found in here, we do have the ability to steer our own ship.

And I do agree with everything that you guys have said. I think it often but then I guess I need to read it for it to take root.

I'm still sticking to the plan and have not wanted to call WW at all. So I feel no pressure there to call and see how she is doing. I already have a good idea as to her current state of being.

As of Tues. AM

Had an excellent chat with SIL #2 last night and to her surprise, she did not know the REAL truth. Gee, I wonder why. When I cluded her in, she was pretty shocked at my W's behavior and what was really going on. True to form, she knew of the OM but thought my W had ended it back in Sept as she was told. NOT! After revealing the number of calls and her absolute lack of willingness to even try to work things out, she said she is in my corner. See also knows of the letter because I guess my WW is telling everyone about the letter, and I told her exactly what was in the letter and why I was doing what I was doing. She agreed that I was doing the right thing and supports me.

Not that it matters in the end game, but at least I have 3 fmaily members that at least see things or have said they understand why I am doing this, and they all agree that WW is at fault.

Maybe over T'day, they will have a circle time and get my WW in the middle of the ring and much like a drug addict, read her the riot book. Of course, she is the one who has to change her mind.

I know this is not a sprint but rather a marathon.

BTW, the P47D is indeed the moniker for the Republic Thunderbolt. You see, my father was a fighter pilot and flew this plane. He is still living and has quite a few stories to tell. One piece of history for him was flying fighter escort for President Harry Truman flying into Berlin after the war. There were only 7 escorts and he was one of them. Not to mention that my mother was on the other side of the world in the Pacific theater and handled a lot of clean up after the dropping of the A-bomb. So, both my parents have some history, and YES, my mother did wear Army boots!

p47d