Hello, I am new to this site and decided this was a great place to ask for advice. Here is my problem....

I have been married for 5 1/2 years to a really nice guy, although obviously there are problems or I wouldn't be posting here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) We have 2 kids. Overall it has been an alright marriage alothough there have been infidelities on both sides. Him with my best friend and me with a friend that he never met. He requires alot of affection and because of a bad sex life, he doesn't come close to pleaseing in bed, he is constantly trying to prove himself and is very insecure. He wasn't like this when we first got married. He slept with my best friend after a drink fest and even invited her upstairs where I was lseeping, altough she didn't follow. I got over this pretty quick becasue I loved both of them. I don't like to dwell on anything either. I run from conflict, I would much rather give into to people rather than have confrontation, which is my biggest problem. I slept with my guy friend after extensive conversations with my husband, doctors, and family at the family reunion (NOT MY IDEA>>>HIS) about what was wrong with me. I found after my research that I was perfectly fine and my drive for my husband vanished becasue he could not please me.
He has known about my feelings for a couple of years now, but in his bouts to prove himself, he is driving me further away. He dwells on the fact that I cheated, whereas when he did it, I got over it,a nd never mentioned it after it all came out in the open. He reads me work emails and if any guy friend emails me or I email them he gets very suspicious. He calls when I go on work trips 3-4 times a day (he did this even before anything happened)
When we got married he was confident and he had lots of friends. When he lost his good job, I gave him time to find something productive that he liked to do. We ended up seperating ourselves from our friends and everyone else and now he is just in this rut. I don't miss him when I am away, although I miss our kids. We don't have many things in common and I don't think we are compatable. I feel he is just to dependent on me. He is very emotional and needs and gives lots of affection. I am complete opposite, affection at large doses makes me uncomfortable. He sometimes wakes me up by having sex with me while I sleep even though it can be a leave me alone night, but he doesn't see where this is crossing the line. I told him that I want a divorce, but he says that he has changed, in 3 days. I really want to think that I can overcome all of this, but I think becasue these feelings have been there so long it is goign to be hard. He says that he would be happy being with me even knowing how I feel towards him. I just can't see how anyone would be happy with someone who had no desire to be with them. He says that it wouldn't be settleing on his part. After 3 hour conversations/lectures about his feelings, I almost think that staying with him would be easier. I mean how important is happiness of both individuals in a marriage? He says I will never be happy with anyone, so it just might as well save time and not get divorced. I have always done what other people wanted me to do. No one in my family supports me, they say I am just a prude and I need to open up (I am very open sexually, just not with him) I met a guy friend and just the conversation had me interested in him, nothing has happened though and he is not the reason for me thinking this way, I thought it before I met him, but meeting somepne that has the same interest and good conversation made me think harder about my happiness. I was happy talking about things that interested me it was a turn on. When my husband tries to interested in things that I am, it is so forced,a nd I know it isn't him. Man I am just confused and this probably sounds like rambling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)
well that is it for now.... open for suggestions!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. That was a long post, and I was expecting a sentence all the way through. Had to wait til almost the end to find it -

" met a guy friend and just the conversation had me interested in him, nothing has happened though and he is not the reason for me thinking this way"

If you really don't want to try to make your marriage better, just get a divorce. Then you can move on and try with someone else.

Hi Lauramay...

Welcome to MB....I'll give my 2 cents.

As I was reading your post, and as Believer, I was also looking for the punch line and of course it was at the bottom about your guy friend. I can't say you're having an affair, but I can say that he is meeting an emotional need that is interfering with your marriage.

As far as the sex issue in your marriage, it appears that you are comparing your H to someone else that you may have had a better experience with? Old soul ties can do that.

Your H is in what I call a cave. Isolated and alone. When men feel rejected by the woman enough times in a marriage thats where they run. He may not be aware, all he knows is that he's hurting and failing but can't tell another man for fear of embarrassment. The past Infidelty is also a shameful factor as well, trying to prove to you're better than the OW. More sad is that he's trying to prove himself to someone that is seeking outside attention, it's evident that he senses something is going on with you and theres some trust issue.

Yes, the infidelty was wrong for both parties but this is a new day, how long ago it happen also makes a difference.

If your H is the great and nice guy you say he is, I think you need to give yourself to your marriage 100%. Saying things like, we're not compatible, sex is horrible, he annoys me, I met a guy who has the same interest and good conversation, (all that stuff is wayward spouse talk). Affairs can be emotional or physical. Your love bank is empty, but empty by choice. You seem to control who speaks love to you and how it excites you. Right now its the wrong person.

Anyway read the info on this MB site, I'm sure others have good things to advise you with also.

Hi LM,

It sounds like you stuffed all the pain from his A with your friend. 'Just got over it'? You're really kidding yourself. This probably has a lot to do with your feelings towards him. Then add his possessiveness, his having sex with you while you sleep... he's not given you much to admire. All relationships fade, and he must have been attractive to you at some point. If he was, he could be again.

With two children I think you owe it to them to give serious effort to MC marriage counceling. There are way too many issues to deal with yourselves. I hope you consider counceling before breaking up the family. And yes, it's important that you both get to a point were your are both happy. Good luck to you and please take care - Dru