Today is the end of 3 weeks since WW ended A#2 with OM#2.
The hardest part now is knowing she still maintained contact with OM#1 even though the A#1 ended 8 years ago, even calling him for a place to stay when I asked her to leave our home upon discovery of A#2. Hardest yet is the fact I didn't actually know about A#1 until after discovery of A#2. I had suspicions and confronted her but she lied. I initiated the concepts of Plan A, but can they cover both A's.

I have no details of either A and really don't want them, but do I need them to have closure? I am still having very difficult time with it all even though I know it takes time. She and I are together but obviously it feels different. I am taking steps to take care of myself (visits to dentist and Doctor that I have put off) and began an exercise plan. Hopefully this will give me a chance to improve myself in case we are done.

But I still feel so attached to her when everything tells me I shouldn't. It is like my mind is telling my mouth to just tell her no matter what she does to me I am not giving up. But then my gut tells me to cut my losses and move on.

We are leaving tonight for a 5 day trip to the west coast. I am wondering how I can enjoy myself with all the turmoil? Is the one day at a time theory the only way?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to a good place. I think "closure" is highly overrated. There are many experts who say you don't need all of the details of the affair. So if you feel like you don't want them, that is okay.

So your wife is back home now. How did that come about? Does she realize how badly she hurt you? Has she taken precautions so that she will never see either man again? It doesn't sound like it. I think that is a must.

Have the two of you figured out the weakness in your marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair? Do you have children?

I don`t know if you saw Dr. Phil yesterday or not but his show was about serial cheaters. Your W is one you know. More than one A is a serial cheater.

Okay so you did not find out about the first A until d-day for the second. This was my situation too.

You do have to be ready to detatch permanently from you W if this happens again. You must decide this and CONVINCINGLY convey this to your W. You have to say it and and you have to MEAN IT.

Otherwise your W has no incentive to stop this type of behaviour once and for all.

You use the MB Plans but you promise YOURSELF and your W that this is the last chance that she is going to get.

If your W understands this and BELIEVES this then you have a good chance at recovering your M. But if not then she will likely do it again.

As for details...you decide how much you want to know and when. Everyone is different on this. Do what feels right for you. You W must answer what you ask. And if you don`t ask then she shouldn`t tell you. You`re in the drivers seat on this. While you might not want gory details you should want to know what lead up to it. You can`t fix what you do not know is broken. As time goes by you probablly will want to know more than you do right now. And that`s okay...whatever you feel you can handle.

Thanks Daisy and Believer. Follows more of the story.
Upon my asking her to leave our home upon discovery of A#2, I think the guilt and shame hit her hard because I did it with very little anger. She felt so ashamed that she went to a hotel rather than go to a friends/mother's house. After 2 nights, she came back home, said it was her home too and there were things that needed done. Upon expressing my feelings and the potential for my forgiveness she agreed to end A#2 the next day. Although I cannot 100% know if she has had more contact, she told me she removed OM#2 email info from her account and that she told him she wanted no communication. OM#2 lives far away and Om#1 is engaged, not that he cares much about who he hurts. She then expressed that "something bigger than us" made her come back that day. Since then she has broken down and asked why I love her so much, calling herself an sh--.


From the emotional needs list, the 2 that caused our issues to me our conversation and leisure companionship. I helped her raise 3 children from a previous marriage and they are all over 18 now. When they were in school ,they were our activity> sports. Another side is both times the A has occurred she has been taking college classes. OM#1 was actually an instructor. I think she feels I basically went and did my own thing and didn't show interest in her achievements whereas I felt like I needed to give her all the space she needed to fit in work, school, kids. me.

My main concern now is the timing of using my "driver's seat". I don't want to ruin this trip, but I feel she needs to know we are still on thin ice. Can I afford to wait until we return to get answers about continued contact with OM's and also to make a MC appt? She has seen an IC twice.

Coming clean on OM#1 as a result of getting busted on OM#2 may be a clear sign that she understands deep down that she wants to make things work with you and develope a completely open and intimate relationship. I would hesitate to catorigize WW as a serial cheater, especially if OM#1 was a long ago (8 year old fling) even though she kept in contact for years following. IMO this is your first recovery. If she strays again...then she has a serious "serial" cheater mentality and you should then remove yourself from the situation. The above poster was correct to indicate that this message needs to be delivered to her at some point of recovery.

I am glad you found MB. This place is wonderful at assisting you with recovering your marriage. I suggest you take your own advice and take this one day at a time. Do not focus to much on yesterday...you can't change it...you can only learn from it...live today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Most importantly...you will make it, with or without your wife...you will make it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Gosh, you are sort of rushed for time before this trip. I would ask her to write a no contact letter to both men. Let her know that any contact at all for any reason is a deal breaker. The letter should say that she made a huge mistake and loves you. It should state that she will not contact them for any reason and expects the same from them. The fiance should be told, and also the other man's wife, if he has one.

Go buy Surviving an affair and take it with you on the trip. If she wants to work on the relationship, maybe she'll read it with you. It was two weeks after D-day when my FWH and I took a trip. We read Surving an Affair - I read it to him while he drove. We took the tests in the back of the book.

Harley suggests in the book that you try to take a some time away just the two of you. Maybe look at this as a new start.

blessings!

Just from the outside looking in ... may I humbly recommend your wife undergo a psychiatric workup without offending you?

A road trip might just be what you both need to reconnect and score some points for the lovebank. Try to keep your trip as positive as possible, and make it so memoriable that your w/w will realize what she has to lose. You have plenty of time to do the relationship talk. Take some time to stroll down memory lane, talk about your most special times in your marriage and life.

Some of the best times my husband and I spent in past years were in driving long distances with each other.