I am new to posting here, but I have been reading here for the past few months. My WH cheated on me with a coworker ( who was also married). He and I work at the same place, me on days, he on nights.
About a year and a half ago, ( we were both on nights), I went to days b/c we got custody of my step kids and some one needed to be home at night with them. Well, anyways, back during the summer,my H was avoiding me and the kids. Not really being gone, but being outside if we were in, and vice verca. He was also really short tempered with the kids and irritable. When I talked to him about it , he broke down and told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with him, maybe a midlife crisis, but his head was ****ed up. He also said that he just didn’t have any time to his self. I told him that I didn’t feel like we were connected any more and he said “we’re not” So we talked some more and decided to try and work on everything.
Well, for a week or two, things got some better. Then the same old stuff started again. So I just asked him “What is going on with you?” Then he told me that he was leaving, that he had been having A. That it had been going on for 2 or 3 months, he was in love with her and her with him. I was absolutely crushed. But he said that he still loved me too. I told him that he WAS going to leave for a few days and decide what he was going to do. So he left the next morning, and unknown to me, called OW and warned her that he had come clean. So she tells her husband and he tells her to get out. So while my H was supposed to be gone, sorting out his feelings, him and her spent the night in a motel. I didn’t find out about that until 2 days later.
But anyways, he was gone for 4 days, on the 4th day he called and wanted to come back home. He said that he would have to quit his job, I said fine. I told him that he would have to break it off IMMEDIATELY. He agreed, and did. He went and changed his cellphone # and we changed our home #. The first few weeks were strange but we got through it. And it seemed like we were getting closer.
During that time, I got the code for his voicemail(he didn’t know it) and was checking his messages. And I heard nothing. Until one day I stayed home from work sick and while he was asleep I checked and there was a message from her that said ”Hey darlin, I just wanted to call and say that I love you. Call me later if you can” Well, I hit the roof, woke him up, and confronted him with it. He got mad at me for invading his privacy. And I told him that I was not going to compete for my own husband. We gave each other the silent treatment for the next couple of days, then we finally made up. He changed his # again.
And btw, he didn’t quit his job. We really can’t afford it. But after Christmas we are both going to quit. Everything has gotten better, we are closer now, and we both leave each other notes everyday before work. I have also lost 30 to 35 pounds, which I needed to do, but I have grieved it off. We have been making love a lot, and it has been really great.
But the last couple of days, he has kindof acted cool towards me. We are off this weekend together, so I am hoping that I will feel better having 3 days together.
He and she are still on the same shift, and it is driving me nuts. It seems like everyday while I am at work, at least one person is coming up and either telling me something or asking me something about it. I am so humiliated. We really don’t talk about it, I don’t tell him everything that people tell me, b/c we have so little time together, that I don’t want to bring up that ugliness. My ? Is am I handling this right, or should I be telling him everything? I am afraid that if I do it will start a fight and I just don’t feel like fighting anymore. Any help that anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated. Sorry so long.

Welcome to MB.

Sorry you need to be here.

You mentioned stepchildren. Was your H married previously? How many times were either of you previously married? Did any previous M end as a result of an affair?

Please read all the MB concepts.

H and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. He had 2 kids from his 1st marrieage. they are 10 and 12. I was previously married, but no kids. our previous marriages didn't end because of infidelity.
Thank you for replying.
I am also on AD's before anyone asks

If fighting would help I'd say ... "round one!"

but, since fighting is detremental to marriage happiness and recovery ... I say learn ways to express yourself without fighting .... use "I feel ...." statements. This does not mean being silent about mistreatment ... but expressing yourself respectfully.

While work contact continues ... you MUST assume the A has not ended. ~even if~ they only smile and nod to each other ... contact of any sort keeps their emotional connection. And THAT connection sabotages your M....

Read the site in it's entirety (not just the discussion boards)

This is something you can say ... and add something like...

"I know you are not responsible for my feelings, but I certainly hope that you care enough for me to help me deal with my feelings of humiliation. Please hug me . I need you close."

I say he needs to quit, and quit now. Your marriage depends on it. He can't go through withdrawal while they are still working together.

IMHO, you should both be actively seeking employment elsewhere. Not only would I change all of the contact information, I would try to move if at all possible; even if that means lowering my standard of living for awhile. That's what we did. We moved to a smaller and less expensive place ... then bought a new house once the marriage was recovered. I realize that not everyone can do that. At the very least, I think you both should change your information and put those resumes and cover letters together immediately and get them out there.

Also, after an affair ... and IMHO even if there's NO affair and never was, the spouse has every right to know what's on v.m./other. Once married, the two become one. That's what we believe, anyway.

I also think you should both familiarize yourselves with all of the MB concepts and work on the marriage daily. Couples counseling wouldn't be a bad idea either, ESPECIALLY while one or both of you are still working there so that you can both cope until you find employment elsewhere.

You are carrying a heavy load having to face that every day. As far as what you hear at work, people love to gossip; just politely "thank them for the information" and move on. I would not answer any questions whatsoever, I would simply reply by saying, "everything's fine and the two of us are working on it." If they push further, you can always use the, "Why do you ask?" technique ... that usually reminds them (politely, mind you) that it's none of their business. If they then continue with questions, tell them that it serves no useful purpose to discuss your private marital problems with others other than those that are properly qualified to help! Hey, if they're bold enough to ask, totally lacking cooth, and push it, I'm certainly bold enough to set my boundaries -- especially being "cornered" in such a way. That's nothing more than gossip waiting to happen ... oh, how co-workers love to "get the beef" and share it with the whole company! Consider motive, then you have no reason ... whatsoever ... to feel badly by confronting things that way.

Thank all of you for your help. I ABSOLUTELY agree that we both need out of there NOW. We are both looking elsewhere. I talked to him this morning about why he had been being cold to me. and he said "I am just sick of all of the bs, I know that you have got people watching me" I asked what he was talking about and he said that 2 nights ago his supervisor called him to the office to talk to him about his breaks, not that he was taking too many, but of who he was taking them with. She had been told that he was taking breaks with OW, and that while she couldn't put a stop to it, she wanted him to think about what he was doing, that it wasn't fair to me, and a bunch of people had been raising h*** to her about it. Well, he got mad and thought that I had said something to her and I hadn't. But I started raising h***, wanting to know WHY would he still be breaking with her if it was over? He says that he is not taking breaks "with" her, that he is never alone with her and that they don't sit together or even talk, but that it is a common break area. I told him that if he is out there on break and she comes out, he needs to get up and go in immediately. He says that he shouldn't have to cut his break short just b/c of her. there are other break areas. so I told him all of the things that I had been hearing such as
I am making myself throw up to keep myself thin so that I can keep him
I am on drugs (to stay thin)
He is still cheating
He is still taking breaks with the skank
Since they can't see each other outside of work, they are spending as much time as they can together at work
that she is chasing him and he is enjoying it

All of which he denies

We figured out who is spreading all of this garbage and we are going to take care of it. She is actually a former friend of both of ours and she is miserable in her marriage and she thinks that I should have kicked him out.

I still haven't confronted OW, I only see her at work, and if I cause a scene, I could get fired, but her day is coming.

I also wanted to ask everyone about SF. I have been initiating it, and we have been enjoying it. It has been being as good as it was when we first got together. I am not the only one initiating it, but should I be letting him take the lead more often?

Have you let her husband know that an affair is going on?

As far as SF, I think it is fine that you initiate it. However, he needs to be tested for STD's.

I haven't talked to her husband. He knows and threw her out. She went back home when my H came home to me, but it didn't work out and they are now divorced. Which means that now she can come and go as she pleases.
We were checked for std's, none were found.
I just feel anger growing in me. I am angry for what he did, for the emotional relationship with her, for him acting like everything is fine while I am still hurting.