I am new to this board. I've read the basic theories about the love bank and it seems to make sense. I can see how if I make home a more pleasant place to be, my husband might be motivated on his own to be more faithful, honest and commited to me, but I'm just not sure how to rein in my emotions and do what I need to do, and turn a blind eye to what he is doing, hoping that he will eventually make changes based on his love for me.

We've known each other most of our lives and have both been married before. We started dating about a year and a half ago, became engaged about 6 months ago and married 2 months ago. 3 weeks after our wedding I found out that I'm pregnant. We were both very excited and happy about this even though we both have children from our previous marraiges, we both really wanted one together. We were surprised at how soon it happened however. We were extremely happy and in love all through our dating and engagement, up until about a month before our wedding. He started to act jealous, demanding, and became defensive and aggressive when I'd try to coordinate our time or activities. We both seriously thought about holding off on getting married, but decided that it was probly just pre-wedding nerves, and besides we had already paid for and arranged the whole wedding. The wedding was amazingly perfect. Unfortunately, we were about to go through some very stressful situations. My grandma died the day of the wedding, so instead of a honeymoon, we went to her funeral. When we returned, my husband was laid off from his job. He was very upset and depressed even about this. He didn't really look for a job or anything, just layed around the house, watching tv and surfing the net. Everynight I'd come home from work to a disaster, no dinner, kids running wild. But I never said anything, just tried to be encouraging, loving and supporting; keeping up with the housework and laundry etc the best I could. Then one day I came home from work sick, running a fever, exhausted, and of course pregnant, even though I didn't know it yet, and went straight to bed. An hour later I wake up to him slamming doors, yelling at the kids, and doing dishes very noisily. I got up and wondered what the world is going on! Well, a friend of his had stopped by and saw the mess and he was embarrassed but what really blew me away was that it was all my fault! He yelled at me sarcastically to just go back to bed, and that was it, for the first time, I yelled back about how ridiculous this was! He said he wished he never would have married me, and wondered if we could just get an annullment, having only been married a few weeks! He ended up walking out and staying gone for 5 hours. I slept in the other room with my youngest son. The next day he still wanted a divorce or annulment and I refused to go along with it, knowing I couldn't stop it if that's what he really wanted but still said I didnt' agree. We made up after a few days and quickly found out about the baby. He seemed ecstatic. Then he went hunting for a week, while I'm still working my butt off to pay the bills. But I knew how stressed out he had been and that this might really help him get into a better frame of mind. He said he'd find a job when he got back. While he was gone, I was looking up some stuff on the internet about the pregnancy when I ran across alot of stuff on the history from an internet dating site. Still not suspiscious, I followed the links, and it pulled up a user id for him! I didnt' know the password but I did know his mother's maiden name and his dogs name and so it let me in. There he was, with his picture and all on his profile, saying he was divorced and looking for friendship and someone to talk to. There were almost 30 women that he had been conversing with over the last month, starting the day after we returned from my grandma's funeral and I went back to work! So less than a week after we were married!!! I was obviously devastated, especially since there wasn't even a break in all the emails in the days surrounding us finding out about the baby. When he got back from hunting I asked him, with tears, but calmly, not accusingly, about the dating site and he lied, saying it was a buddy using it. With his picture, information, location, talking about his kids ect? Yeah right! I thought about it for a day or two, really trying to swallow the lie, while he was being extremely loving and attentive. When I asked to talk to this buddy though, he refused and became angry. I said then I can't believe you and to make a long story short, I left for a few weeks, after having a domestic violence call to the police. He talked me into coming back a few days ago but I'm just sick being here. He said he wants to go to counseling, but I'm afraid that I can't trust anything he says! I found out that 2 weeks before he asked me to marry him, he spent the weekend with another woman, when he told me he was taking his kids skiing. And also, that night when he left for 5 hours, he told me that he had just been driving around thinking, but I just found out that he was down at this scuzzy bar drinking. Also, his sister told me that he had at least 10 or 15 different affairs while married to his first wife! Now I'm scared to death that I'm married to a pathological liar or something! He's hunting again this week, done yesterday but for some reason, not coming home till tomorrow. I'm worried, it's Friday night, is he planning on going out to party or what? He called me yesterday, angry because he thought he had a job lined up with the police dept, but that I probly messed that up by calling the police during that terrible fight we had a few weeks ago. I know I can't stop him from going to a bar and even having an affair, if he's unhappy with me, that's the problem, not another woman. I just don't see what I could have done in such a short period of time to make him that miserable! Please, someone help me know what to do, think or feel. I feel like I'm losing my mind, with him telling me to get out one day, begging me to come back the next and then all this unnaccounted for time!

Here's my sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> advice ... annulment.

He married you under false pretenses....

http://www.ewtn.com/expert/answers/annulment.htm

on the wedding day your H did not intend fidelity .... see the link

"There he was, with his picture and all on his profile, saying he was divorced and looking for friendship and someone to talk to. There were almost 30 women that he had been conversing with over the last month, starting the day after we returned from my grandma's funeral and I went back to work! So less than a week after we were married!!!"

Agreed.

Seems to me like he should be getting a job, not going hunting, and out to bars. What is his work history like?

He's always had a job, but does tend to change jobs frequently.

What was involved with the domestic violence?

I really think that you need to take some time away from him to carefully consider your options. He is not acting like he is sorry for the HUGE mess he caused. That is a terrible sign, since you haven't been married long.

So... you feel like there's no hope? He finally admitted that it was him on the dating site (duh) and has said he is sorry many times about hurting me, although he still doesn't feel he was cheating, since he was only typing, not touching them. I know we haven't been married long, but we've been very close friends since childhood. I almost feel like this betrayal has something to do with a screwed up view of marraige, like that's how a husband is supposed to act and a wife should silently hide her tears and take it. This all comes from his mom telling me thats how his parents marraige was and that I should just turn a blind eye, and be a good wife and that he will eventually be faithful, like his dad was, only it took his dad 15 years! Please any advice, or options besides annulment or divorce would be appreciated. Believe me, I've thought of that but am not sure I'm ready for that emotionally or any other way, being pregnant, with no job or family for a support system. My husband, as a friend, had always been my biggest support through out my whole life. What do I do now?

This may be his idea of a marriage. But is it your idea of a marriage?

I feel like there is always hope. Around here, we say that after something like this, there has to be a brand new marriage. Yours is so new anyway though.

How is he as a father?

You didn't answer the domestic violence part either.

He didnt' physically hurt me, just really scared me. I had been in a physically abusive relationship before so his anger and threats, made me afraid that was what it was coming to. Also, he really scared my teenage daughter by punching a picture of us that was right by her, spewing her with glass, and I think that's what really made me snap and call the cops, seeing her terrified like that, especially after what she had gone through with her dad. My husband wasn't arrested but just because there was the DV call, he might not get rehired at the police dept, so he is understandably upset about that.

No he is not understandably upset about that. It was HIS behavior that caused it. HIS BEHAVIOR!!!!

Have you been to counseling? I think that would be my best recommendation. And he needs to go to counseling for anger management.

Did you have any idea that he could behave like this from dating him?

NO!! That is absolutely not my idea of what a marraige is supposed to be like! I thought being married to him would be the same as our friendship; loving, kind, fun, understanding, supportive, open and honest. But he seemed to change into almost another person in the few weeks before our marraige. I used to think he was the kindest, gentlest man I knew, and I've known him for over 20 years! But now I'm scared to death of where he is, what he's doing and when he's going to blow up next and about what!

He's great with 2 of my kids, 13 and 4. They adore him and have a lot of fun together. The other 2, 12 and 10, don't get along so well with him. Terribly in fact, not even wanting to come to visit anymore. (They live with their dad) He is great with his kids (2 boys) when he sees them which is only every few months. They idolize him but are starting to become disillusioned because he won't fight their mom harder to see them.

I'm amazed that you would marry a man who two of your children don't like.

Please go to counseling for yourself. You have got yourself in a mess. Also stick around here. You'll get lots of support.

That didnt' surface about the kids until after the wedding. It's like it's all blown up in my face this last month!

If 2 of your ~own~ kids will not visit you because of his behavior ... and you stay married anyway ... well .... I guess you are free to choose a violent abusive adulterous lying man over your own children ... can this be true? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SLG,

I truely think you should follow Pep's advice. You see NOTHING is going to change. The only way I would consider staying in this marriage would be if HE took enormous actions to change, and that would include counseling, anger management classes, and marriage counseling. You have mentioned NONE of those.

Further, children are often good a detecting what we adults fail to see, probably because they know they must rely on adults. I think your good friend of 20 years is NOT marriage material and I doubt he is father material either if he only sees his own children every few months.

Please consider saving your children and yourself a lot of heartache. If nothing changes, then things will remain the same, and the "same" is not acceptable.

I hope that this helps, although it is not what you want to hear.

God Bless,

JL

Lost and Afraid,
Do you want to wait 15 years for (a cheating, abusive, husband that your 2 kids can't stand to be around), to see if he is going to become faithful???????

I hate to say it, but he has a long history of cheating, there is probably little chance that he will change. Generally speaking, tigers don't change their stripes.

You and your children deserve better.

I am very sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. What does your parents think?

I agree with the OP get out! It is a pattern that he is already doing with you. Protect yourself and think of this new baby. Do you really want your child growing up dealing with this and thinking it's ok.

Wow.. I guess from reading the MB plan that I would get advice on how to stick it out and try to meet his EN so he wouldn't stray. But I do have to agree with you that every instinct in me is screaming to get out now! I'm not in touch with my dad or sisters and my mom is terminally ill so there's no way I'm going to involve her. I really have no where to go. Before moving in together, I had custody of all 4 kids, and got a good amount of child support and alimony. That, plus a part time job we barely made it. But then moving 3 hours away with my now husband, I gave up custody to 2, losing 1/2 the child support and then when we married, the alimony. When I left after the police ordeal, I took the kids to their dad's and had enough money for 2 nights in a motel while I looked for a job and applied for welfare. Then I slept in my van for almost 2 more weeks. But then my ex started freaking because he can't deal with the other 2 kids (they're the so-called difficult ones) so I came back here with them. I'm still trying to figure something out, maybe with a shelter. The only one they had in that town was for battered women and so wouldn't accept me because I wasn't actually harmed.

We spent the last few days talking calmly about the past 2 months since our marraige. Still no answers or even guesses as to why all this. He does want to go to counseling for all these issues and we have an appt for Thursday. I see the reasoning behind the "there's no hope, get out" advice that I've been getting, but really, doesn't anyone think there is a chance??? I'm reading some of the other posts about people who aren't even sure if all contact has been cut off with the OW and yet they are encouraged to stick it out with plan A, not pressuring or demanding, just continuing to try and fill their mates emotional needs. So maybe it's not me who has failed in meeting his EN, since we've only been married a short time. But there are obviously some very important EN that haven't been met for him. As his oldest friend and now wife, is it so wrong for me to at least attempt to meet some of them, as well as be supportive in his own struggle to understand and solve some his own problems. For instance, he admits for the first time in his life that he's has a problem with lying and desperately wants to figure out how to change it. And as a close friend for so long, I know he has a problem with very low self esteem. So am I just enabling him to continue with these things by sticking with him? I think that depends. I left for 2 weeks when I found out about the internet thing and I made it extremely clear that if I ever find out about any involvement with other women EVER again, I would leave and there would be no possibility of me ever returning. And this was not an affair like many of you are trying to recover from. There was no physical contact, not even any suggestive comments in the emails. Just the fact that he was using this old profile in that dating site, looking for "friendship" is what caused me to leave. (It was a 3 yo profile that he had activated again) He has begged me to give him a chance and set up appts for counseling for him and us as a couple. Doesn't this effort count for something?! This is the man that was there for me through my childhood molestation by my grandfather, the man who loved me and watched over me throughout our whole teenage years without ever pushing me for sex, because he knew I had a hard time with it. It was such a shock when I got out into the real world after high school, that all men weren't like that. When I was in the psych ward for attempting suicide after my divorce, he was the only one in the world I trusted enough to call. Yes he really screwed up, but really, just bail? And please don't down me about the kids. As any person dealing with step families knows, there are a lot more dynamics there than meet the eye. The ex has a lot of influence on the 2 children that are with him full time. Did you notice that the 2 we have adore my husband? And I would never put my own needs ahead of theirs! I spent 7 years homeschooling them, I love them more than anything! I am looking for advice and support not condemnation.