A brief history, I am the BS 31 ,we have been married 13 years with 4 beautiful kids. Wh had PA with Co-worker and I found out a month ago. I have been a lurker since the second day I found out. I just got the nerve up to post. I really feel like my life is shattered into a billion pieces and I do not know were to start to pick them up. My Wh was a great husband and is an awesome father I love him with all of my heart. We did not have any problems that I was aware of. His PA lasted less than 3 weeks with OW. Only because I found out and confronted Wh. I gave him a couple of opportunities to leave and I even said I would give him custody of the kids if that is what he wanted. He assures me that he wants me and our marriage. Wh has told me everything when I ask him questions. The only thing is he has lied a couple times about contact with the OW. He says it was job related but if that were true why lie about it? OW has currently left that job for a new one. He has now hired OW back to work only on the weekend. He says he had to hire OW back because she is the only one who knows how to do that work. And if it doesn't get done he will loose his job. He is willing to quit his job if I tell him to. But with 4 kids and a house payment and me being a SAHM that is not possible He will not be there working with her but it opens the door back up to talking with her. Why would he hire her back knowing how much this hurts me? I feel like she will never be out of our lives. I have asked Wh why he had the A, he says that he wasn't himself he lied and made things seem bad to make what he was doing ok. I feel stupid that my love for him is greater than the love he had for me. How can you turn your love off for someone so quick and be willing to throw your family away for someone you barely even know? I feel like yesterdays garbage. We have gone to MC and he has even bought a book from MB board How to overcome an affair. I read the whole book. He is still working on reading it. I am so scared that if he could turn his feelings off so quick for me that he will do it again. I was so happy and never worried about him ever doing anything like this to me. And now everything that I felt I had is gone. He says he loves me but heck just a few weeks ago he was ready to leave me for her. He tells me that he is here and that he's not going anywhere. That he could have left and he didn't because he wants me.And he knows that what he did was stupid and it would never work. Then why would he bring her back into our lives again. Thanks for reading sorry I ramble a lot.

Dear Shattered,
I know you have to feel an enormous amount of pain and confusion about what to do.
I'm glad you came out of lurking for advice. Since you have been reading Dr. Harley's material you know that the main principle of Plan A is too stop the affair in its tracts. In order to complete a good plan A, it must include the carrot and the stick.
Carrot being, making yourself into the best person you can be to attract the w/s.

The stick part of plan A is the stick, which means exposing the affair.
Have you exposed the affair to anyone??
Especially at the job they both work at.

It doesn't sound like he has totally been honest with you. Remember w/s will try to arrange some way to keep the o/w in their lives.

Sounds like your w/h is a cake eater.
In order for the affair to be over, there must be No Contact what so ever. That means your husband leaving his job.

There are other people that are qualified to do the o/w job. The idea that she is the only person that can do that job is laughable. Nobody, I repeat nobody is indespencible.

Remember Plan A is only effective when both part of it are done.

Remember, w/s lie and cheat to keep o/w in the loop. My husband was the most honorable person I know, until his EA.

Keep coming back, you will get the support and help you need to help save your marriage.

Welcome. The OW definately has to go, NOW. Is she married? If so, expose to her husband.

See if your husband will read here, and we will explain to him how hurtful his hiring her is.

Shattered,

""He has now hired OW back to work only on the weekend. He says he had to hire OW back because she is the only one who knows how to do that work.""

This, and lying about the contact with OW bothers me. What kind of job is it? Brain Surgery? Rocket science? So she has a new job, but comes in on the weekends to do her old job? Who is taking her place during the week?

""I feel stupid that my love for him is greater than the love he had for me. How can you turn your love off for someone so quick and be willing to throw your family away for someone you barely even know?""

There is a good thread on the "in recovery" forum right now by innocence lost named "To FWS - Did you ever think "What happens if I get caught?"

This has good responses from "Former Wayward Spouses" as to what they were feeling.

It's not that your H turned off his love for you....but was SO TURNED ON with/by the LUST BUZZ, the addicting chemical that these A's produce in the participants that he was turned into an alien.

That he hired this chick back, though, is not good.

Also...""and I even said I would give him custody of the kids if that is what he wanted.""

What in the world are you thinking??? What does this accomplish??
k

Have you exposed the affair to anyone??
Especially at the job they both work at.
Yes family and close friends know. His coworkers knew before me. It is a very small office just a few employees and most of them knew.

That means your husband leaving his job.
He has said he will quit. It would just leave us with no money to survive and make it. And with 4 kids we need the job not only to pay bills and eat but for health insurance.

The idea that she is the only person that can do that job is laughable. Nobody, I repeat nobody is indespencible.

So true, and that is why this is hurting me so much.

Keep coming back, you will get the support and help you need to help save your marriage.
Thank You <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Is she married? If so, expose to her husband. Yes OW is married with 2 little children. Her husband supposedly was having an affair on her. And yes I did go and get a complete check up and blood work when I found out. he does not know of the A and I have not told him because I do not know what he is capable of doing. I want to protect my kids first.

See if your husband will read here, and we will explain to him how hurtful his hiring her is.
He does read here. This is one of the big reasons why I stoped lurking. I want him to see how much this is hurting me and keeping us from really healing.

Who is taking her place during the week?
He is doing the majority of the work. He has a deadline to meet and can not get all of the work done by himself. The company is having troubles and there are not enough employees to keep up the work load. And he doesn't have time to train a new person to get everything caught up in time for the deadline to be meet.

This has good responses from "Former Wayward Spouses" as to what they were feeling.
I did read it and it was very helpful. It just ticks me off and hurts me that so many people can hurt the ones they clame to love. But it did help me see ehat he was/wan't thinking.

It's not that your H turned off his love for you....but was SO TURNED ON with/by the LUST BUZZ, the addicting chemical that these A's produce in the participants that he was turned into an alien.
I know, It just kills me though. Here we had only been with each other and he goes and shares something so special with someone else. I still only know what it's like to be with just him. But know he has another eperience to compare it with. But I do understand that he liked the attention and the feeling of something diffrent.

That he hired this chick back, though, is not good.
I know that is what finaly brought me out of lurking.


...""and I even said I would give him custody of the kids if that is what he wanted.""


What in the world are you thinking??? What does this accomplish??

I know how stupid it sounds. But it did affect him when I told him this. This is something I never would have said or done. He told the OW that he was only with me for the kids so I gave him the out with the kids. He said he wanted only me and to work on our marriage. So with this Info he made the choice to stay and told OW he was given the opportunity to leave with everything and didn't want to. I wanted her to know that he had the choice to leave with everything he wanted. But he choose me and our marriage. I know he could have said Ok and taken me up on it but I wanted to know if he was truly in it for us or just because he was afraid of loosing the kids. I know it sounds dumb but at the time it made me feel better that I did give him a way out. I don't want him saying that I stopped him from being with her. I want this to be his choice. Sorry if I am rambling and not making my point clear. Thank you everyone for your advice and help. I truly appreciate everything.

Ok shattered, one time, so listen real good:

For an example on where ANY appeasement of a WS leads, read the long (45+ page) post by Hopethisworks. It has taken him a couple of months to listen and some of us had to be complete jerks to him along the way even though we have grown to love him.

Screw any psychobabble reasons for his A until you're darn sure the situation is under your control. You are in the right. Never apologize to him for anything until he gets his s*** together. Make hime go to MC. Don't believe a WORD he says outright- verify it.

Do you want your husband to keep himself firmly entrenched between this woman's legs? That's what will happen if you tiptoe around. EXPOSE the sucker now, to everyone who cares about you, him, or your family. To h*** with the consequences or what he says. He is WRONG, you are RIGHT. Don't ever forget that.

And don't worry too much about OWH, he will be more worried about his own family than trying to hurt yours. Don't use that excuse not to expose. You sound like a faithful little appeaser/enabler just like I was. Forget it.

Now go read the last few pages of the Hopethisworks thread and learn from it.

You sound like a faithful little appeaser/enabler just like I was. Forget it.

Your right! Sometimes the truth hurts. I will not allow myself to be an appeaser/enabler any more.

Quick update. I did not back down and I didn't cave and just accept whatever he told me. And it worked. He is not bringing back OW to do the work. He is going to do it himself. He even told me how sorry he was for hurting me. I feel very happy that I stood my ground. Mflake thank you for being so honest.