Hi, I'm fairly new here and have posted occasionally on the General Questions Forum, but I'm really seeking a strong support sytsem that I can be helped and help others as well, so I wanted to join a smaller community in which I feel others might know what I am feeling and going through. so here I am.

First, Husband and I have been married for almost 5 months now, together for 2 years. We have a 9 month old son together and we also have sole custody of his 3 children from his first marriage. They are 11, 9 and 6. Husband had been divorced for 3 years prior to becoming involved with me and I had believed that the only bond between he and his ex wife was his children. BUt to make a long story short. They were still heavily emotionally involved and i learned of their email "affair" in Sept 2004 when I was 5 months pregnant.

We broke up and did not reconcile until our son was born in Feb. 2005. He had changed his number and has provided me with all email passwords etc. I am in charge of our financial accounts etc. We also provided the children with their own cell phone should their mother wish to call them. (she has not seen the children in 5 months and she sporadically calls) He has not spoken to his ex wife since we closed on our home in July 2005.

Now out of the blue this past Tuesday.. she emails him asking for directions to their son's LAST football game of the season b/c now she decides she wants to come.. She has a horrible "you owe me" attitude. Well my husband does not respond and immediately forwards all emails and voice mails from her.. (she calls him at work a total of 2 x and emails him 3x) She also emails me twice asking for the same information.

My dilemma is.. should we respond? I feel badly b/c i hvae come to love these children like my own and dont' want to do anything to harm them. I have attempted to try to be "friends" with her but she flatly refuses and blames me for her not being able to see her children.. which is not true in the least.. She has copies of the court visitation schedule and can see her children whenever but she chooses not to come get them.. She expects us to drop them off every time.

My husband says she is not in the right frame of mind to "br friends" with me right now and that if she were to come with a humble attitude or at least have been persistent about coming from game 1 he can see giving her directions but..her attitude stinks, she wsaits till the last game and she has plenty of time on her own to see her childrne if she so chooses. and that she is just out to cause trouble..

how do you make it work? Should I email her or leave well enough alone and not respond at all? She called the children on their phone and accused her 11 year old daughter of not wanting to see her b/c her daughter refuses to be a "messenger" between her mother and father. We talk to the kids after this call to see what they were feeling and its sad but they feel nothing.. or at lesat they express no feelings when it comes to their mother.. I feel badly for them.

But then again.. I'm happy I dont have to deal with her b/c I fear my husband still loves her in some ways. but I know we can't live our lives like this forever and eventually she will come around.. but at that point I hope I can be friends with this woman..

any advice?

Sorry for all the rambling There is still sooo much to tell but i tried to give a brief (yeah right) synopsis.

I jsut wanted to respond. I think that you should give her information. Your step-children might resident you later in life. My brother saw his children spordaicly. It said that he could see children anytime but my ex-SIL never return calls for one reason or another. Now his children will grow up not knowing him because he was killed back in Febuary 2005 at work. Now his kids are going through a lot right now. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Anyway, this forum is for people with children from an affaif.

Husband and I have been married for almost 5 months now, together for 2 years. We have a 9 month old son together
So you got pregnant after being together for only 5 months & then a year before you got married?

and we also have sole custody of his 3 children from his first marriage.
You mean he has custody.

They were still heavily emotionally involved and i learned of their email "affair" in Sept 2004 when I was 5 months pregnant.
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It is his ex, whom he has three children with, he had an affair while you were dating him and you were pregnant. Doubt she's gonna be out of the picture any time soon.

He has not spoken to his ex wife since we closed on our home in July 2005.
Or so he says.

Should I email her or leave well enough alone and not respond at all?
Do not respond to her or call her at all. Like it or nor, you are the outsider in this situation.

She called the children on their phone and accused her 11 year old daughter of not wanting to see her b/c her daughter refuses to be a "messenger" between her mother and father.
And it is wrong to expect this of her or think she should do this.

You really got yourself involved in a really, really bad soap opera.
This is what your life is gonna be like for the next 25 years.

My advice? Stay back out of the way. Support your husband & his children. Do not ever, ever cut down/put down the ex in any way. Not to the children and not to your h.

Hello Mobo - If you are helping to raise those children and your money is being used to support them, then YOU and your H have custody. You are not an outsider. You are a main player. If anyone ever questions that fact, show them the marriage certificate. You should allow her to see the children. I would email her back. You don't have to be friends or even friendly, treat it like a business transaction. You'll be fine. I agree that you shouldn't discuss her negatively with the children. But your husband is your husband, you should be able to say exactly what you want to him. Good luck.

If you are helping to raise those children and your money is being used to support them, then YOU and your H have custody.
From just about any standpoint, not really.
Yes, she takes care of them and yes, she is their stepmother she should look out for them & take care of the.

You are not an outsider. You are a main player.
In the marriage and in raising hthe children yes, but not in the conflicts between her husband, the ex and the children.

If anyone ever questions that fact, show them the marriage certificate.
?? It simply says she is married to her h. Nothing abou thte kids at all.

You should allow her to see the children.
Legally she has no choice in teh matter of allowing or disallowing the childrens mother to see them.

But your husband is your husband, you should be able to say exactly what you want to him.
Yeah, but as a person who got involved in the middle, she should not be negative towards the ex, else the marriage will end up far worse than it is.

I just want her to feel like she has some say. She and her husband is in this together. If she can't speak openly to him, then the marriage is already in trouble.

How are these comments in any way helpful??? MoBo4 came here to try and get some ideas and support, so hopefully her life won't be like it is for the next 25 years. I suspect she already knows that she's in a bad situation and fears that there's no way to make any changes. This is the ole puntative "you made your bed now lay in it." I suspect she already knows that piece of "advice".

Yes, behaviors and choices do have consequences. One obviously can't go back and un-do or re-do things. What does that leave? Making another choice....and another...and another..and following through with the matching behavior. There would be no need for this forum or Dr. Harley if the feedback or advice was "this is what your life is gonna be like for the next 25 years...."

I think that most of your responses were rude and blatantly judgmental in nature. You don't have to agree or like the situation presented. So let it go. Don't respond. What was the need for coming back with responses stated in such a negative, judgmental manner? Most people on here are already feeling like crap about themselves. I see no need to throw another shovelful on the pile.



I agree with this piece of advice. I suspect that this is the sort of advice that would be most helpful.

This is a tricky situation. In most cases no contact between your H. and the OW would be recommended. But, there are children involved, so some kind of contact by someone has to occur. If not your husband..than who? If it's you, then you become stuck in the middle...the bad guy. That's not fair to you.

I think that two things might be helpful. Has your H. ever sent his ex/OW a "no contact" letter? This could clearly state how contact regarding the children was to occur. It would state what type of contact would not occur. (e.g., asking for directions!)

Secondly, I think that any changes in the visitation time, days, etc. should go through legal channels. This woman has shown that she will not follow through on responsible parenting, support for schooling, regular visitation, not putting her children in the middle, etc. This is a "if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile" type person. It would be great if you could all get along and respect each other. It isn't happening with this woman. As you noted, she's an "you owe me" type of person. You don't bargain with an "entitled" person. There would be no end to the battles.

Go through an attorney or the courts. The school is fully aware of the x/OW's faults when it come to the children's education. It's documented, as is the consistency that you and your H. provide. There may be a battle because she doesn't want to lose her source of financial support. The crazy visitation schedule developed between the OW and yourselves benefits her, not her children or you. Your agreement to it would not look good on your behalf. You might end up losing some time with the children. But at least it will be legally established, consistent, and have an improved possibility of enforcement. You may gain more time! Also, make sure it is decided as to how contact regarding the children will be handled.

The children might initially be upset over any changes, particularly if their mother sets them up with negative, inaccurate information. But, things aren't going well for them now. Sometimes you have to put up with their anger and act in their best interest. If the court is involved, you can at least refer to the fact that you are following court orders.

It would be nice if everyone involved could act like a responsible adult. But, it's not going to happen with this woman. So, don't give her that option. Tighten things up as much as possible on a legal basis.

My $.02 worth!

This is a hard one cause they already have a divorce decree that I'm sure stipulates visations and all.

I've learned from others with simular problems that you can't not let her see them or go to games etc. I would send her directions and not mention it to the child at all. If she shows great, if she does not the child won't be hurt cause he/she never knew.

When a parent asks for directions that is part of parenting. If I told my x to find the directions on his own to see his child play somewhere he'd probaly take me back to court for not cooporating.

I understand your fears with what happened though. I think it needs to be on the up and up on everything.

If she calls the kids, have one of the kids give the directions. Sooner or later the kids will be old enough to say if they want to see her or not and make certain choices. So really she is doing this to herself. When they can say a sayso (I think 11, 12 or maybe even 13 can't remember) and she fights it, then go to court with the child's feelings.

I know that my stbxh's gf is not involved in our "kid" business. It's just not her business. She does not pay there cs and they don't live with her. I'm sure stbxh gets feedback from her, but as long as it's in my kids best interest I don't care.

It's a tough stitch your in as far as the relationship between the two of them. It's even harder when they were married and have a court order between them. Sorry you find yourself in this. :-(

Hi,
Can you clear something up are the children a result from an Affair? Just wondering if these chidren are OC's or not.

Anyway, I hope everything works out. I do agree don't talk negatively about thier mother around them.


Dawn

This is what your life is gonna be like for the next 25 years
When I posted this, it was not meant to be "punitive" or to run her nose in it.
Her boyfriend was having an affair with his ex while his girlfriend was pregnant & THEN they split up for 5 months.
He has 3 children with his ex.
There is a lot going on there that MoBo is in the middle of and there may not be a lot she can do to make the situation better.

She should do what she can to support her h & his kids as well as her own child.
Make suggestions to your h but you should not get in the middle of h/ex/kids family situation.

Thanks so much to everyone who responded.

Dawn71- SOrry about your brother and especially the children. I'm not exactly sure where I fit in or which forum I should post on so I just thought this one would be the best since we all have children trying to deal with the OW.

Chris-CA123- I don't feel i'm an outsider in this at all. I am not trying to replace their mother or come between them but in the same respect I am their step mother and they reside with me which means I am responsible for both their emotiona and physical well being. The children and I have a very close bond. They know with me they have stability. They have not seen their mother in almost 6 months. They talk to their mother, maybe once a week, on a good week. I don't speak negatively about her to the children, In fact, I try to come to her defense when they speak ill of her. (i know she is heavily involved in drugs, the children do not know that). but I do share my feelings with my husband. We are both in agreement about the thoughts we have concerning the children and their mother.
but you are right.. I dont know if he has contact with her other than what he tells me but then again which one of us do... neither of us are with our husbands 24 hours a day so i can only pray he is telling me the truth in everything. His actions do match his words so I have to believe him and learn to trust him again.

crazyhurt-thanks for the kind words. I do know and understand I'm not in the ideal situation but I am trying to do the right thing here. I appreciate your encouragement.

heartmending-Yes, my husabnd did send a NC ltr thru email when she tried to email him after we were married. I was included in that email. and I agree that legally is the only way to go. There are set schedules for her and in the past I have encouraged her to take advantage of the times specificed in the legal document when she can get her children. She does not make any effort to come see them.. and if she does tell them she will see them.. 10x out of 10 she will stand them up. I have been with my H for 2 years and not cmce have I seen her, which goes to show, she rarely sees them.

These are not OC's..but I didn't know where else to go to for help. I was led to believe by my husband that the relatinshop had been over 3 years before I even came into the picture.. the marriage had been over but not the relationship. In any case I understand that my husband may always have some love for this woman, they do share 3 kids together.

Well I did talk to my husbands ex mother in law (she and I have a very close relationship also and she has taken me in as a daughter and my son as her grandson) b/c she knows her daughter a lot better than I do and she said, her daughter was not in the right frame of mind to be receptive to me or what I had to say with regards to trying to act like mature adults in order to do what is best for the kids. and that I should respect my husbands wishes and not contact or email her back. Since she did email me also after my husband did not respond to her, I didn't want her to think I was just ignoring her, I just did know what to do at that time.

So I did not respond and all i can do for the time being is just continue to pray about the situation that one day it will get better.

Thanks for hearing my story! and I wish all of you the same good blessings.. This is a tough situation we all find ourselves in.