I recently met a woman who was introduced to me through a friend. While she is a nice woman, she is rather over weight. I don't expect a woman in her 40's or 50's to have the figure of a 24 year old super model. But, I also don't expect her to weigh as much as me, if not more. And I don't expect her stomach to stick out farther than her bosom.

The short of it is that I chose not to date her. When my friend asked why I told her the simple truth: "I don't mind a few extra pounds, but I don't find a lot of extra weight attractive". You would have thought that I had invoked the devil to persecute this poor woman. I recieved a verbal lashing about how I am such an insensitive and shallow man.

People, I have among my many faults, a thinning hair line. I have been passed over because of that by a few women. I am not overweight, but consider myself HWP and perhaps a bit on the slender side. So I am not being hypocritical in regards to the weight issue.

I just can't get over how I BECAME RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WOMAN'S PROBLEM. She is over weight so I am a bad guy because I don't find that attractive. What kind of thinking is that? I don't blame women because my hair is falling out. And, I have a lot less control over my thinning hair than people have over their weight.

Rather than ranting about insensitive men, maybe these women should start a program of good nutrition and exercise. This lady has no kids a home, a good job and can easily afford to eat right and pay for a gym membership.

You have a right to your preferences. Just keep in mind that you may pass up a REALLY great woman that way. A woman may have every other great quality that you would love about her, but you would never know, because you would never give her a chance. But that's your choice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I noticed you never came back and responded to you other thread about "the new average woman".

No, you're not being insensitive in my opinion. Being attractive to your spouse is a emotional need!!!

Now, the comments- yeah, you could do without saying them. All you needed to say is that you weren't physically attracted to her.

one word to your question......

YES!

Women are so quick to bash men for not being attracted to an overweight woman.

Many woman are not attracted to an emotionally distant man.

I don't hear too many men bashing women about that.

Women have such a double standard about this issue.

I agree with the other person who said that maybe your actual words were a little harsh. If you would have said that you simply weren't attracted to her, that might have been better.

But ladies, come on, when you try to set up your overweight friend with someone............what the heck do you expect.

If a man tried to set up his angry and crude friend with a nice gal, shouldn't he expect that it wouldn't work out?

Puhleeeeeeze.

hmmmm.... I have a question. Someone mentioned one time that a deal-breaker for them was a beard and tattoos. Isn't that the same thing? Those guys can shave just as well as overweight girls can lose weight. Tattoos can't be removed as easily, but would one tattoo on the shoulder break the deal? Or just 30 from head-to-toe?

Anyway, deal-breakers like these are our choices... our choice in physical attractiveness in our mate. We might be limiting ourselves to GREAT people when we put limits on physical qualities such as these. But again, if you can't live with these things, then that's your choice.

I don't think that is shallow at all.

A shallow guy would try to get what he could (physically, emotionally, financially) from a woman he's not attracted to, take advantage of her, and when she had no more to give, he would run.

You were honest and said there was no attraction, gave your reason, and you were not cruel about it.

Nope, you are not shallow at all.

T

Its your preference. Its ok.

I agree that maybe phrasing less politically incorrectly might have saved your hide a bit. Just say you're not attracted. Most people would let that go.

There are plenty of people out there with "requirements".
Some women won't date short men. Same principal.

I think we all understand that we might be passing up somebody really great who doesn't fit the requirements -- but hey -- you can't really MAKE yourself be attracted to someone you find unattractive (and that could be non-physical features too...)

You are not shallow at all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, plain and simple.

What you uncovered, however, is the trap of being introduced to someone by a mutual friend. Whenever these things do not work out, the mutual friend often will be taking sides with one or the other. Tread carefully, especially if your mutual friend is a closer friend to the woman in question than to you. I stepped into that minefield once, and nearly got burned.

But there is nothing shallow about not being attracted to someone, we are all wired differently, there is someone for everyone, and that's what makes the world go around.

AGG

I'm going to come to your support from the other side of it. Being one of the females I am sure you would reject on that basis, I would prefer to know it right up front.

And I may be unusual for this, but to tell you the truth, I would prefer to know right up front that that is the reason you wouldn't want to date me. Why? Simple. I have been fat my whole life. I am currently working on trying to lose at least some of it - I have been on a medically supervised plan for 6 weeks now, and am down 28 pounds. And I'm looking at this as I'm changing my entire way of eating/exercising/living... everything is going to have to be different. But I've been there and done that before. Stuck to it, and still managed to put back on more than double the weight I lost every time before. I think the way I'm going about it this time is much more realistic than any other time I've ever done it before.... but I've said that before too. Everyone says "oh, well 'they' can just lose weight", but unless you've been here, you really just don't know, it isn't like we haven't tried.

And all that uncertainty is exactly why I would want to know. The last thing I would want is to date someone who was just trying to "get past" the weight, only to have it eventually pop up as an issue. Even if I do manage to lose the weight and keep it off, I know that this is a lifetime issue for me, and could be a problem again for me in the future. So frankly, I wouldn't want to date someone who would have a big issue with it even if, at the time we started dating, the weight wasn't a problem anymore. What happens if, no matter how hard I try, I start gaining again and can't seem to do anything about it? Or if a medical problem pops up, and I end up having to take meds (such as prednisone) which cause you to gain a great deal of weight?

If it's a dealbreaker for you, I think you should be up front about it right away. Does it make you shallow? I guess some people would say yes.... and I have to admit I'd probably be one of them. But that's because having lived it for so long, I know that weight is not nearly as much a personal choice as people seem to think it is. Even with losing weight, there will be serious limits to how much I will be able to lose, realistically.

Oh, and just to throw this one out there.... I can say that probably 3/4 of the guys I've gone out with in my life did NOT want to go out with me initially.... they considered me a great friend, but weren't "attracted" to me. Most of them never admitted WHY they weren't attracted to me, but seeing the girls they were attracted to at the time they supposedly weren't attracted to me gave me a pretty good idea why they resisted being attracted to me. It wasn't socially acceptable to be attracted to someone as fat as I. Yet eventually, the more they were around me, the harder it got for them to deny there was an attraction there, and, eventually, they'd end up asking me out.

If your ideas about attractiveness are that set, that being around a person would not change your perception of them at all, then I think it's only fair to be very up front about that right from the start. Me, I find that my opinions of a persons looks and attractiveness are affected greatly by my feelings about them as a person.

I come from a similar viewpoint as does osxgirl. I am overweight. By more than a few pounds. Life-long challenge. I recognize that most men in our society, at this time in our culture, are not attracted to heavy females. I would never want to be with a man who didn't find me physically desireable or attractive. I would never want a man who "accepted" or "tolerated" my appearance because of all my other good traits. I'd rather know upfront that this was the issue than pretend it was something else...or that someone was "making do".

One of the ENs noted is physical attraction. I don't feel that it's "shallow" if it has great importance for you. I don't think that you're missing out on a great person, because you wouldn't be able to see past the physical appearance to appreciate this great person. For you a "great" person involves physical attractiveness.

I find it interesting that our perceptions of "attractive"... related to one's weight...changes over time and within cultural and ethnic groups. So, it's not like being heavy is automatically unattractive. Obviously perceptions can change. I was in Jr. High school when "Twiggy" became all the fad. What a nightmare! But, what is....is.

One thing I do ask in return. For those of you who find heavy women to be unattractive, so be it. Don't tell me I "could be so pretty if I just lost some weight!" Don't lecture me about dieting and my health. Don't lecture me about my lack of willpower. I KNOW all those things. It's ok if you don't find me attractive because of my weight, but at least have the courtesy to leave it at that. You don't need to justify or explain yourself. Nor do you need to turn the focus on how it's my problem...how I can fix it..to avoid seeming shallow.

I want to be physically attracted to the man I'm with...even if no one else sees him that way. It's important to me. Perhaps I am shallow. So be it.

auto,

I don't think you are being shallow.I don't find overweight men attractive at all.Appearance does count for ME to some extent.I am not looking for the next male model either but they have to be fit like I am and I like to be active.I agree too that saying something like you are just not attracted to the woman may have been better.People are very sensitive about issues like that,IMO,and take it very personally.If weight were the only factor that you ever looked at in a partner then that may be more of a concern.

O

You know, Heartmending has a good point. When I said I would probably be one of the people that would consider you shallow, I now realize, I wasn't reacting to you not being attracted to her because of her weight. There's lots of physical features I'm not necessarily attracted to, and I don't think that makes me shallow.

The part where I started reacting and putting you in the shallow category was when you started categorizing... these women can go lose weight, she doesn't have kids, she has the money, she can go join a gym.... do you know she HASN'T done any of that? Do you really know that much about her?

I'm with HM here - if you aren't attracted, you aren't (though as I put in my last post, I found a whole lot of men find that sometimes they are, and are horrified by it because they can't handle what all 'the guys' would say.) That's fine. But I don't need to hear how great a catch I would be if I just lost some weight. Any guy that would say that could be the last man on earth and wouldn't stand a chance in he## with me.

Now on the other hand, if you really did say only what you quoted in your initial post, then your friend jumping all over you was probably not very fair, though probably should have been expected. The thing to do in that kind of situation, however, is not go off on how women like that should lose weight... just tell her that you're being honest, you aren't attracted to her, and you feel that being honest about it up front saves everyone a lot of hurt in the end.

And in my opinion, just wait. I find that sometimes, God has a real funny sense of humor about these things, and you find yourself falling for the most unexpected person....

Hey, when I told my friend my reasons for not wanting to date her friend, I was not cruel or nasty. I was rather tactful, if I say so myself. I just wanted her to know what I was thinking so as to prevent future misunderstandings.

I agree we are all wired differently. A friend of mine goes nuts for women with short hair and lots of makeup. I like longer hair and little makeup. go figure.

I thought that was the case, which is why I said that your friend jumping on you about it wasn't really fair. Your friend, however, just sees a really nice woman who she probably perceives as having a hard time getting dates, and yes, she saw you rejecting the woman for her looks as shallow.

The bottom line is that it is a pretty touchy subject in general. And trust me, society in general makes it very tough on those of us who are fat, much more so than any other feature that might make one be considered unattractive. So it's a subject that probably will get some pretty heated reactions at times.

I don't think you are shallow. Physical characteristics can be very important.

I would want someone healthy and an overweight person is generally not in the best of shape if their eating habits are unhealthy and they don't exercise.

I don't want to have a husband that I have to nurse in 20 years.

I won't date someone older than 5 years my age and I won't date someone more than 20 lbs overweight. Taking someone for better or worse I'd rather increase the odds that it will stay better healthwise.

V.

Physical characteristics are important??? Just how important? Is being thin going to make your marriage work?, Will you meassure a persons love by how many pounds she weighs?

I wonder if all those man in the Divorce section had fat XW's and all those still married man have beautiful thin wives?

I wonder if Jennifer Aniston was dumped because she is NOW fat? I wonder if Brooke Shields was dumped because she is no longer Miss Blue Lagoon?

I wonder if Tommy Lee was just playing a prank on Pamela Anderson when he cheated on her?

Yeah, I wonder if being thin guaranties a marriage for ever?

I wonder???

Of course, I agree that you don't want a mega size, but just how much have you given YOURSELVE a chance to get to meet a size "X" girl. Should I even ask?

I know I loved my STBX so very much that I saw him handsome and even beautiful with his almost 100 pounds extra.

Love is just love, and of course, he forgot, but I didn't. I just loved him because he knew how to love me (when we were happy).

He is a TV Producer so he has left me because he knows too many great bodies, but too bad they are short hand up in the head.

Yeah, maybe you also want a great body, a professionist, washes and cleans, works and has baby's and takes care of you too.

You made me think of my STBX. :upset:

It's not just skinny folks who are unfaithful.

T

See, we're back in a circular argument here again. I especially like when people start getting upset that a person would rule out someone because of weight, and then turn around and say that, of course, there's a limit to that. Guess what - I AM what probably many of you would consider to be "MEGA" size. I have absolutely no trouble getting around, I'm active, I exercise, I go places, I travel, I keep up. I've even had people tell me that once they've been around me, they don't think of me like they do most fat people, because I don't "act" that way, whatever that means!

Sorry for the slight tangential rant - if you couldn't tell, this is a little bit of a hot button for me.

At any rate, I think it comes down to two things. The first, which we've already talked about a lot, is personal perceptions and preferences. If I meet someone whose preferences are for someone who is skinny, whose perceptions are that someone fat is lazy and unhealthy, and whose mind is pretty well set in those preferences and perceptions, I think it's better to know that right away. Then I don't waste my time or theirs, and don't get my feelings hurt. And yes, at that point, my perception of that person is probably going to be that that person is shallow. Just as the other person is entitled to his/her preference and perception of me, so I am entitled to my preference and perception of him/her.

If I meet someone whose preferences and perceptions lean that way, but they seem to be a little more open to learning about me as a person, then I might take the time to try and educate them a little, depending on my preferences and perceptions about that person.

I used to be a lot more bothered by the whole "no fat chicks" attitude and such, but over the years, it has bothered me less and less. Why? First of all, I've come to realize it has little to do with the "chicks" and a lot to do with the egos of the guys of the guys that hold the attitude. It tends to mean they aren't capable of going against the crowd...they're afraid someone might make fun of them. Who needs someone like that?

The other reason it tends not to bother me is.... it really hasn't been that much of a problem for me. On the contrary. The worst I can say is that at my heaviest, getting hit on did slow down a bit, though I can attribute some of that to the fact that it was also during the emotionally abusive part of my marriage, and my self-esteem was practically non-existant.

Which brings me to the second point.... The other thing that tends to be a factor a lot is how we present ourselves. As I've said before, over the years, though I've been fat basically my whole life, I've had little trouble finding guys that are interested in me. It is not that unusual for me to get hit on by random strangers (though that's one I could do without, believe me...it can be pretty creepy!) Yet I've frequently seen women who are much smaller than I complain guys aren't interested because they are fat. The difference? I fully believe it's in attitude and how we present ourselves. Me.... I'm just me. I don't have anything I'm putting off "until I lose a few more pounds." I smile, hold my head up, walk proud, look people in the eye, say hi, and enjoy life.

The problem is, society in general tells us what horrible, lazy, ugly, worthless, undesirable slobs we are if we carry even a few extra pounds. Most of us believe it. I did for a while. When I did, I was miserable... and seldom dated. When I decided it was stupid to believe that, and decided I was happy just being me, and that I liked who I was, other people started showing more of an interest.

I guess this has kind of wandered a bit, but my point is.... for the people who do have this kind of hard and fast requirement: as far as I'm concerned, you're doing me a favor to let me know it right up front. I won't waste time, effort, or emotion on you that way.

And for those who get upset because you feel that everyone out there feels this way.... they don't. Believe me, they don't. I know it can hurt to hear that someone would just not consider you just because of your weight, but trust me, it's a good dating filter for you. Just work on being happy with yourself, and don't let it get to you when these comments come up, because it isn't about you, it's about them.

you go, girl! Thanks osxgirl! Great post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One thing that perturbs me a bit is the attitude some people have that when someone is overweight, that automatically means that they are unhealthy and/or lazy. There's plenty of unhealthy and lazy skinny people out there too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />