Hi. I've been posting for a while over on the General Questions II board. Here's the gist of my story: Me, 28. H, getting ready to be 27. DD, 9 months. H left me all of a sudden on 9/4, saying he wanted divorce. I had no idea he was that unhappy. He went straight to his female best friend's house that night, where he lived for 2+ months before getting his own place a couple weeks ago.

I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery on Nov. 1. He had said on Halloween night that he planned to file for divorce against me as soon as he had a chance to tell me about it. So I beat him to it.

Now, a couple weeks into things, I'm feeling awful. H is trying to make a big deal about custody/visitation. He even wrote a nasty letter to our pediatrician about the recommendations she gave me at DD's last check-up.

I'm feeling sad, hurt, angry and very worried. How do you deal with something like this? I'm going to church and IC, but I still feel very overwhelmed. My counselor says she's afraid this is moving too fast for me to process it properly. I really feel like H forced me into filing.

Has anyone ever been through this in Ga.? What was your experience?

Thanks!

I don't have much help for you because I am just now starting to hear/use the Big D word in my situation with my H.

I was wondering, though -- I love the quote in your signature. It's exactly how I feel. Where is it from?

My recommendation is don't try to hold it all inside and don't go through it alone. You need support. Let your family know whats happening, who cares about embarrassment. Get a trusted female prayer partner from your church. Find a babysitter that will help you at needed times. I don't know if you filed by yourself or you have an attorney. If with your attorney, let him or her work the law. Your H will make many threats and accusations, thats part of the nasty DV process.

If you guys are in the same State, it really doesn't matter who files first, DV is DV, facts are the facts. Just because someone says they're going to file for DV first doesn't mean they're going to get more. It just means they'll pay legal fee's first. Many times if someone is in the wrong having affairs and they file first, if can work for you.

Many times a WS can make you feel you're in the wrong and in left field and you begin to think they're right. They use manipulation and control very well. The best thing you could do is negotiate custody and visitation outside of court and draw it up with your lawyer. Don't let the court do it and determine what is best, they'll jack it up.

I hear GA has the highest US child support payment burden on a parent, so he may know that, but it also could backfire on you and you pay, so you need to stick with your lawyers advice.

To newmom: The quote is from "Slide" by Ani DiFranco off of her "Evolve" album. I've been listening to a lot of her stuff recently. Very good break up stuff, both sad and angry. Although, the album this came off of, it seems she's more the WS than BS, but the quote fit my mood that day. Personally, "Dilate" is my favorite of hers... lots of good "done wrong" stuff on there. Very cathartic.

To everlasting... I borrowed money to hire an attorney to file first. I'm trying to let the attorney worry about it, since that's why I paid him, but I'm still having a hard time. Can't help focusing everything on it. I've got some pretty significant evidence of adultery. It's going to be very hard for him to explain it away.

Things have already gotten nasty. He gave me a copy of the letter today. It basically says he doesn't agree with the arrangement I am "trying to implement," that I should consult a child and family development expert before implementing any changes to her schedule. I think DD's doctor was justified in getting offended over this. If a pediatrician is not an expert in child development, then who is?

Little does he know, I happen to know a recognized expert in the field, the director of the infant research lab at the local university. She's going to write a letter about it, too. I really believe H is doing this to hurt me. He wasn't that interested in her when he lived here.

It's just a mess. He had said before, "Regardless of how this ends, I want us to be on good terms for DD." He had been walking all over me and DD. When I took control by filing first and calling him on his devious actions, it must have caused him to forget the "regardless of how this ends" part. He's been a real jerk.

((Sadmommy))

I am going to move my thead over here also. I will most likely file this week. Do they have "divorce care" at the churches in your area, I see signs for it but have not checked it out yet.

Maybe both of our WH's will make this as easy as possible. My WH says the same thing about doing right by the kids, but that hasn't happened yet. It sucks doesn't it?

((SM)), I am in TN, so we are pretty close in a world wide webby kinda way.

Grr. I am just so angry and upset today. Took DD over to H's for a little while so I could go to dance practice. H had a big long grocery list sitting on the kitchen table. So he's trying to make it look like he actually lives at his apartment. I noticed one of those old-school coffee percolators on the counter. When I asked him where it came from, he said it was a gift. From who? OW. Big surprise.

I just wish all this s*** was over. I can't believe this is happening to us.

(((Sadmommy)))

I may have to check that CD out.

There are a lot of similarities between your situation and mine! My H and I are 28 and 26 respectively, have been together 10 years, and have a baby daughter (3 months). Like you, I thought we had a happy life until he dropped the bomb on 9/14. I don't think there's infidelity in our case but I'll probably never know for sure. Our situation is starting to look pretty hopeless b/c he really does not have any desire to work on the marriage whatsoever and just seems like he wants out.

Best of luck to you... I'll probably be seeing you around on the Divorce board.

(((newmom)))

If you haven't already, find yourself a good counselor. I'm lucky that my insurance covers it. If you can't afford one, try your pastor. It really, really helps.

Both of you - stay strong and take care of yourself to take care of your babies. IC's are important now, as are divorce support groups, so look in your local paper and find some.
Also, if you haven't already, find the book, mom's house/dad's house. I believe it has some good custody schedule commentary for infants - meaning that infants should not be away from their primary caretaker for long periods of time. Another good book with schedules is Sandcastles (but I can't remember the full title).

H has that Mom's House/Dad's House. I thumbed through it at the library, but I was too upset to read it. Seemed like it advocated more 50/50 and warm and fuzzy "Kid isn't visiting daddy. kid LIVES with daddy on the weekend. Kid has TWO families." Not really what I'm going for, but I'll take a look at it again.

Hi there sadmommy, I too just moved over here from GQ, and like you, am only 27 going through this awful divorce...my heart feels for you....Please email me if you need someone to talk to...Hugs

Thank you laura. Best of luck to you!

Here's a bit of some funkiness. H was here at noon to pick up DD for the afternoon. He asked me, "Did you know that our guy friend is coming?" I had no idea what he was talking about, so I said, "Where, to town?" He said here, I said when, he said now.

Sure enough, our guy friend who lives out of state had just pulled up. Total surprise, because I haven't talked to him in a few weeks. He had called to see how DD and I are doing.

He comes to town every once in a while and usually stops by to visit, so there's nothing extraordinary about that. I'm just paranoid right now wondering what H is thinking... he hasn't brought DD back yet.

Do you think your H thought your friends was there romantically? How did he react? Is this friends staying with you....wow this is sticky!

I don't know what H thinks. This is a mutual friend... he was in our wedding. Im not really sure how H reacted, since he didn't say anything about it when he brought DD back. And no, friend just came by to go to lunch and left. We didn't even talk about much divorce stuff, and I made sure to tell him to call H to hang out before he left town.

In other news, H wrote me a letter about holiday visitation. The tone was much nicer than the other one he had written, and his request pretty much mirrored what I told my attorney I would offer... Thanksgiving evening and Christmas Eve, so she will get to see both sides of H's family. The only difference is he wants to take her out of town Christmas afternoon, and I only want to let him come see her at our house. I told him that my offer is more than what the court would order, that we'll both get to spend time with her around both holidays. He said we would talk about it a little more later. I said we both need to give in a little, we can't have everything we want. He wanted to know how I'm giving in, since that was my offer. I guess I should probably tell him that DD and I had an invite to fly out of state all expenses paid to spend Thanksgiving with a very dear friend, but I turned it down so she could see him and his family that day.