ok...it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote a bit of my situation. I have been doing ok. But the NC has not totally happened. I know by reading in here..it's the first thing I have to do. But, it's soooo hard. I can't tell you how many times I have tried. My situation at home is not helping much either. When you have a H that is not really there for you and does not give you that emotional need.. you feel empty. (me). I can't explain how I feel right now. I feel so empty and sad all at the same time. First because no matter what I know what I am doing is not right. But also, knowing that no matter how many times I have spoken to my H about how I feel, he shows no interest in changing. In his eyes he is ok. I have mainly tried and stuck it out for my kids...but not sure how much longer I can do this. I thought friendship with OM ,eant nothing. But soon I realized I was starting to care for this person. Which is why I know this contact needs to stop. OM is married too, except he claims he is in a "almost perfect" marriage. Is like "give me a break"..then what are you doing messing with me? Anyway, I can't deal with all these mixed emotions. It's really taking it's toll...I just don't know what to do. How do I try and save my marriage, when I am asking myself....is that what you really want?

I am so confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hablas espanoL??

You're in foggy land right now. Make sure you dump the OM, and go get some MC. Your H might be avoiding the whole thing like some guys do.

The OM is an a**hole for trying to get into your pants. Make no mistake, that's what he's doing. My FWW didn't believe me until she let her OM into them.

Once you get the garbage thrown out, fix your M.

Life is long and a lot of weird s*** happens.

si

Oh, que bueno!!! Dime tu historia !!

para comenzar..soy casada. Llevo 9 años. Pero la verdad es que desde un principio comenzo como una rutina. Tras los años siempre con lo mismo....pues lamentablemente uno se cansa. Tengo 2 niños...a lo mejor por eso es que todavia estoy en el matrimonio. No se, las atenciones fueron menos y menos......
Hace como 4 meses....conoci a un compañero en el trabajo.
No se...fue una atraccion instantanea. Y poco a poco comenzo todo...a principio fue "flirting"...pero el es tambien casado....so definitivamente se sabia q mas lejos no podiamos llegar...verdad? Lamentablemente si llego... y ahora me siento muy mal. Lo que me asombra de este individuo es que me dijo q era feliz en su matrimonio. Entonces me pregunto....porque estas conmigo? No entiendo.
Hemos parado la amistad...pero de vez en cuando un saludo q otro pasa...y no puedo evitar... se q esta mal pero su attencion me gusta y se q es como una addiccion q tendo q romper.....pero q dificil es..cuando en tu casa no te la dan ah?

have tried an mentioned it to H a few times but he is not interested in it. Do you think though he is ignoring the whole situation? I am not sure...how do u know that? hmm.

yeah..I guess it's "foggy". I know.. he is a major ***hole.. could not agree w\ u more. (OM) How the he** ur happy and at the same time messing around? I fell 4 it..now I have to deal w\ the consequences.

Triste--Hmm, debo hablar en ingles para todos, no?
Well, you have been married a short time really, to feel so blah about your marriage. Is your husband not attentive with you? Maybe you need to start going out with your husband more, be more involved with his things. Does he know about your affair? Did you confessed? If you haven/t maybe you should tell him. That will make you stop what is going on with OM. He is obviously playing with you, if he tells you, he has a happy marriage. He is a player and you fell for it. Because you felt you had no attention with your husband. Maybe your kids, work, etc,etc.

Is there any way, you could change jobs? Because seeing him, is going to do you no good. You are just playing in your mind what you did with him. You probably want to continue, but you were smart enough to stop before you got further involved.

It is definetely an addiction. I am also a FWW, my DD was on June 1,04. So thankfully I am way out of it. Its a scary hold you get with affairs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

De donde eres??

Myrta

Attentive? Well...only when he wants something. It's other things too. Like alcohol. That is a huge issue here. H loves it. And won't get help.
And yeah, I know..I feel used and I fell for it. It hurts. I think that's y I feel overall discusted w\ myself. I look at me and can't believe where I landed. This site has helped me lots in different areas. Even though I do not post much..I read. a lot.
I cannot tell about my A. Not yet. If I do...I have to have evrything packed...and ready to go. for sure. Even though I sometimes would prefer that. Just start fresh. I am just so unhappy right now. I am But my main fear..is my kids. Do not want to lose them.

Job wise? Well, I can't leave it. I am in no position $$$ wise to change right now. But I am not working directly w\ OM. Just every so often..I may bump into him. Main contact is email or phone.

Anyway, I am going to try and think positive..for the sake of my family. I know it's not worth the hassle...and I do not want it. (friendship w\ OM) it's just the addiction... the attention... I have to let go off. ?

Triste,

welcome to this club everyone here wishes you had never had to join.

You have already been pointed in the right direction: no contact. I guess you have read how important this is, specially because it is only after withdrawal that you will really begin to feel like yourself and be able to make the right decisions for yourself.

keep reading. Get the books, Surviving an affair and His Needs Her Needs.
Have you read the letters Dr. Harley answers on this site? there are 2 to lovers which explain why it will never end happily for them.

Keep posting, you are in a great place.

Do you have family and friends to help you get through this?

I do have family and friends here. They have been there for me the times I reached for help..but lately I have just kept everything to myself. And I don't feel comfortable to discuss what happened (A) with them. I am ashamed. After a an argument I had with my H last night, he said some words to me that really hurt. I am so tired of this never ending circle. I am about to talk to him...and put lots of things on the "table". If he still does not want to give his all or at least try, I think I am going to go for a separation. I just can't deal with all of this. Thanks for your words.

Triste,

if you are to have any hope for your marriage, or even hope for yourself you will have to tell your husband about the A. You will have to realize and accept that it was your choice to have an A.

If you read SAA you will see that you are following the path most wayward spouses follow. And you will also learn that there is hope.

There are, however, no guarantees. But the choice IS YOURS. And you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choice.

Please keep reading, even if it is hard for you. There is hope.

Triste---I am sorry you are feeling that way with your husband. Maybe he has to address his drinking problem. Probably thats why he is not being the way you want him to be. When a person drinks, they get addicted too, just like with affairs. Thats all drinkers care about. Does he knows he has a problem with drinking?

Dont be thinking about separating from him, without really trying to work out your marriage. YOu really have not put any plans to try to work it out. YOu must talk to him, its the only way to start fresh with HIM, YOUr husband. He needs that opportunity and you need it too. You have small children to think about too.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Myrta

Thanks Myrta.

I have addressed his alcoholism many times, but he states he likes where he at, and he works hard etc, and no intensions on stopping. It's hard because I do not want my kids to be seeing him like that all the time. And it is not the best feeling in the world when he wants intimacy under that "state". It discusses me. See, this is all from way in the beginning. And maybe I am where I am because I did not put my foot "firmly" down before? Now, he just thinks he can do whatever? Don't get me wrong, he is a great father. That I have to give to him. But, I am mainly the one who attends everything, in the house,kids,etc. And..after living like this for so long...you just get tired. I have tried by going away for the weekend, just the 2 of us, worked for a bit..but w\in a week went back to his old self. I have tried letters, just plain'ol talking. Deep down in my heart..though...I am not sure how I feel towards him anymore. ...

Triste--I can see how you feel about your husband trying to make love to you while his drunk. It will disgust me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. Men dont even function well when they are drunk.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.
But even if you think you dont have love feelings for him anymore, I am sure you do. Otherwise you would not have tried to talk to him, or go out ,etc,etc. You want your marriage to work, everyone does!! You dont accept defeat so easily in a marriage with two kids, you have to really try, Triste!!

About you doing everything with the kids...usually the woman does more with the kids and the house than men. You are not a unique case there..But if you both work, it should be more equal, because you get as tired as him. In my case, I stay home, and my husband works, so I am not going to let my husband come home from work, and start doing stuff around the house. He comes tired already,,,he helps our youngest with her school work, math,science. But the rest of the stuff, I do. I do get overly tired sometimes too, and even angry...but nothing major.

TristeYO--Have a really good conversation with your husband. Try to explain to him, how you feel. Be firm and try to make him understand you, and you as well understand him. WHy is he drinking so much? Is he having problems about something? When a person drinks so much, its because they have some issues too.

Myrta

I know where you are coming from as far as the work around the house etc, ok. Even though it's not the main problem..it does add up. I work just like he does. If anything I am getting home later than he does. And the thing is that he does NOT help AT ALL in that area. Homework? I am the one who helps my son...which is fine. I don't mind of course, but when you have all these other things to do and all at the same time, you are just about to hit bottom and H is sitting on his a** watching tv and relaxing.....it does not get pretty. But overall...I will
have the conversation with him. Not sure what will become out of all this. Is not that I am giving up, and by all means I know I have my faults too...it just.....sometimes u just feel like throwing your hands up in the air....and go.

He pretty much has been drinking since the beginning. I have had numerous conversations with him as to why he drinks so much...I have asked .."are you hurting", Do you feel empty?, Y do you tie yourself on that? He simply says, "I like it, I enjoy it" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Again, thanks for your words, this site has helped me alot in different things. I will keep reading...I am sure it will help much more......

TristeYo:

Ideally you should confess the A. Two things may happen:

H will become a better H or perhaps the marriage will end. That is the risk involved. However, I suspect if you say nothing the marriage will die slowly.

When women try to stop affairs on their own without telling the H they will often re-start the A again. For you to really stop you need outside pressure to do so. You may tell yourself you are done with the A and then go home, see a negative in your H and sooner or later you are telling yourself that you tried, but H is no good and that perhaps it is destiny for you to be in the A.

My wife tried to stop countless of times and always came back to the A. To really stop the A you must tell H and get another job.

From your words it appears you have already lost a lot of affection for H. As I said if you do not tell your marriage will like have a slow death. Since the marriage is dying why not take a chance at fixing the mess.

You are not a bad woman. In fact I suspect if your H had been halfway decent with you there would be no affair (I am assuming you are not changing marital history).

As for the OM: I believe he has a good marriage. He just wants to sleep with new "Meat". The "NEW" is always very exciting when compared to the "OLD" meat of a long term relationship. Understand that OM is not like you. This is not a situation where his wife has neglected him for so long that he is starving for some attention. OM simply wanted to F----------K you and he did. After a couple of times he is likely not that interested unless you continue to become available. Would you like a man like OM to marry one of your daughters. Do not idealize OM, he is not a real man.

If you do not want to confess the A. You must grab your H and forcefully tell him that the marriage is in serious trouble and that a change is needed. If he shows no interest confess the A and be prepared. You never know---confessing the A may jolt your H out of his stupor.

CIAO!

Are you affraid that your H will physically attack you if you were to confess your affair?

TMCM

TristeYo---How are you doing? Did you have the "talk" with your husband? I hope you are doing better. Post and let us know.

Myrta

Stan-ley, tx for the words...I know. And that's why I hurt so bad, because after all that happened..I feel..used?!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Can't shake off how I feel. No matter what I do. I am trying though..keeping busy around the house and with the kids.

Myrta, I did have a "talk" with H. No, did not say anything about A. Not yet. Not sure how I can even begin to say anything about that.... But overall is pretty much the same attitude. It did not do much of a change. I feel so down right now.....