Triste,

please read about affairs. Get informed.

Your situation is not hopeless but it won't get better if you don't do something about it.

tristyeo, nothing will change in your marriage until you are honest with your husband. This marriage can't be fixed if it is based on lies and deceit. If he knows the truth, he can understand how bad it really is. But he can't do much of anything if the facts are being withheld from him.

So, all the "talks" in the world are a waste of time if you aren't going to tell him the truth.

And whatever you do, don't imply to him that he is in any way responsible for your affair. He is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage [you are responsible for the other 50%] but you are 100% responsible for the affair.

If he thinks for a minute that you are trying to shift blame for your choices to him, he will not - and should not - listen to you. So when you do tell him, be nothing but honest, remorseful and totally accountable. That is really your only hope. It won't be easy, but it is the only hope for your marriage.

TristeYo_= De que hablastes con tu esposo? What do you mean the same attitude? HOw is your husband with you? How is your everyday with him and the kids? Activities together as a family?

Triste- You are going to have to find time to talk to your husband. Its going to be very very difficult to do. But its something you really have to do. For the sake of your marriage. The sooner the better!!

Si me quieres escribir a mi e-mail, me lo dejas saber y yo te lo dejo saber aqui. Ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Myrta

TristeYo--- Donde estas?? Estas bien? Escribe por fa!!

Myrta

Myrta,
No muy bien. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Por mas q trato....I can't let go. What do I do? My willpower is on the bottom.

TristeYo--- Es bien dificil!! Tienes que seguir tratando.

YOu have to use all the will power in the world if you have to. You cannot continue what you were doing with OM.

Have you talked to the OM again? Tell me whats going on?

Myrta

"It has been difficult, you have to keep on trying "....am I right? Been taking a Spanish class at the University as a means of "cultural diversity"...I am pulling a (B -) at present...the "I" and "You" and "We" thing is killing me.

Ok, threadjack over....sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL...thats cute Lemonman....Thats exactly what I said.
I think your grade should be upgraded to an A!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Myrta

I was not doing too good and after today..I feel even worse. I only had contact via email. I tried my best not to reply..but I did. I can kick my self for that. But..
a good thing that I can say.. if anything, it's.. I was not like b4..I was short and on the "cold" side. But still I replied. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

.....I had to smile at your reply. You did pretty good on your spanish....

Triste- What did he say in his e-mail to you? When was the last physical contact? The first 3-4 months are difficult, because you will be withdrawing. You have to tough it out!! Its hard to resist, but you must, but the sake of your marriage.

Myrta

Just checking to see how I was...saying hello...blah blah.
Last PC was like 2.5 weeks ago. I know...withdrawal it's going to be a long trip..but I am fastening my seatbelt,
drive and never looking back. Even though it's going to be a bumpy road...I will give it my best.

Triste:

NC means NC. That includes email, checking to see if OM is online, or even reading old emails and love letters. Most WWs think that a little minimal contact is OK, but in the end they are just fooling themselves and this simply prolongs the agony of withdrawal for a much longer period. All experts will tell you that the best way to end a relationship like this is with absolute NC.

Change your email.

Get another cell phone number.

Consider notifying the wife of OM so she can see for herself that her H is not what he appears to be. The BW of OM will make sure OM does not try to get close to you again.

Affairs almost never have happy endings. In the end EVERY BODY IS MISERABLE, including your children and rest of the family. Sometimes affairs end in tragedy.

Get checked for STDs. It is likely OM has done this before. You don’t want your H to find out the affair when he is diagnosed with an STD.

Tell your H you had a romantic relationship at work. If H is going to change for the better he needs to know. Otherwise, how is he supposed to know what to do?

DO you realize that you probably became distant from your H and in turn you probably thought it was your H the one that was distant? This is a common dynamic in marriages. One spouse becomes distant and then rationalizes that it was the other spouse the one that initiated the distance.

Feel free to write to my wife for support. She will be happy to guide you thru.

CIAO!

How are you Triste?

Keep talking to us, we care.

I'm afraid I can't access MB from work so when I get home in the evenings I have to catch up, plus cooking etc. But I would like to hear from you.

Doing a little better today. Still have not come clean about A, thinking about how do I even begin. I know it's the best thing to do in order to keep moving forward. Which is exactly what I want to do.
I want to give my M another chance. I know stan mentioned something in the lines of maybe because of my A, my H was distant. The truth is.. since the begining of my M it's pretty much been like that. But enough about that, I am not even going there because I know it's 50\50 and I messed up pretty bad.
Also, today there was no NC with OM and I am feeling ok. I will admit it was kind of a long day...but overall I feel better than if we did have contact. Weird.......but good.

Good fr you. From everything that I've read here NC is the only way you have a chance of really knowing what you want. As long as there is contact, there is fantasy...

I still think you have to come clean with your husband but only you know when the best time is. It is devastating and it will be very hard for you, but if you don't, it will fester inside and keep you distant from your husband.

I speak spanish too!

Thank you for posting. Keep doing it.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Hey Triste!

How are you doing?

I hate it when people disappear because I never know why????
I guess it's because I read too many books, and books always have an ending.

Sorry.

I hope you stick around.

hi cc46,

No I am not "disappearing"..past 2 days have not been really easy but it's all part of the "withdrawal" from what I have been reading. Same situation at "home"...but getting a bit better. I am still looking for a way to talk to H about the A, but have not found it...I know I need to in order to have peace in my heart. I can't sleep,concentrate on what I do, ..etc. It's a terrible thing I have done and the more time goes by..the worse I feel. I am trying my best to keep busy..and it helps for a little while and then everything comes right back............it's an embarrasing situation..I can't even look at people in the "eye" anymore....

cc46, gracias....

Triste-- SO nice, to hear from you. It is not easy to live with yourself after doing that to your husband. Is taKING me a long time to forgive myself for what I did. I hate what I did to my husband. Its very embarrassing,yes.

THats good the situation at home seems better. I hope it continues to improve and then maybe you can find the guts to tell your husband. I hope so!!

Cuidate!!

Myrta

Hey Triste! A las órdenes. para eso estamos.

I hope you continue to read and post here. Writing things down really helps. I even wrote a letter to WH one day when I was feeling really down and it helped so much... Of course I never had any intention of sending it. It's just the fact of saying things.

I've read that getting someone to hold you accountable to non contact is good for you. Do you have anyone who you could confide in? It might help.


Hang on there. It should get better in a couple of weeks.