need your afvice again. sorry to bother you 3. my wife and i have begun talking which is good, at least she is venting her anger and i think we are making progress. now i realize my credibility level is below that of bill clinton right now, but im seeing a counselor, attending support group session and going to chuirch and doing a lot of reafding and praying needless to say reading the three of you and your advice and seeing the hurting from reading this site daily for hours on end. MY problem, while we are talking she will ask a question, i will answer it truthfully, then she will say "your lying" to every time she askes a questions and i give her an answer. now, im willing to be beat down like a horse for a long time, sure the calls are depressing to me, but im empthazing with her and im feeling more remorse for what i did every day. we will talk for hours and i listen to her say things to me that are absolute crazy, but i do not respond negative to her. she will call me at all hours of the night to talk, then when i answer a question, immediately she says "your lying". she went and got a STD test which came back positive for herpes. my test came back the next day negative! i told her that my dr., said that stress can cause an outbreak of herpes. what doi do. my pastor said i should set guidelines for the calls, ( i dont think im in a position to set anything considering what ive done) but the pastor says, i need to let her know that while i will talk to her about positive ways to work on the relationship, i will not let her continual making up stuff and calling me a liar to every question because it is not helping me and certainly not helping her. help guys??? i keep sending flowers every monday to work, and sending cards and letters, but the calls are very depressing.

toolbox<BR>I am not one of the very wise ladies above but I am married to a chronic liar.<BR>It is very hard to believe anything at this point. <BR>I understand how hard this must be for you. I also understand where your wife is coming from.<BR>It is very hard to believe anything at this time. She is probably very scared.<BR>If my H could do ONE thing to make me believe him more it would be this:<BR>tell me some things that are obviously very hard for him to tell me. Volunteer them. Before the question.<BR>I'm sure you probably have done this. My H hasn't. I just wanted to give you a thought from this end.<BR>Time toobox, time. She needs to feel safe.<BR>She si going to need all the patience you can muster. This rebuilding can be really tough.

I'm not who you asked for either but...<P>Is she seeing a counselor? She sounds very angry--as a lot of us can be. Constant suspicion takes a terrible toll and she needs to learn how to cope--without beating you up constantly. I've really benefitted from anger/forgiveness counseling on my own. Is she interested in any of the MB materials? Or coming here to the board?<P>I'd be in 7th heaven if my H sent me flowers once a week or ever gave me a card. But maybe that isn't what she needs? You have to figure out how to meet HER needs. Another great book is the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman.<P>Good luck.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

H Toolbox -<P>I've got to think some more on this but right now the only thing to add to the great advice you've gotten is try to put yourself in her shoes. Seriously....<P>She has known only lies from you for quite some time......you are gone - not living at home or even close to home and she does not "see" these things that you are supposed to be doing to improve yourself....she only knows what she has "seen" before the confrontation. She knows what the OW told her. Last, but not least, she knows what her instincts told her about your lying. <P>Do you see what I'm getting at? The only contact with you is by phone...she can't look at your face, into your eyes and see what her instincts tell her, nor can she see your new attitude and convictions by just flowers and cards.<P>That is why you are hearing "you're lying" because that is what you "were" doing!! How is she to know differently?<BR>Because you say so....?<P>The only way to regain a lost trust is by words matching up with actions and even then it takes a significant period of time. She cannot see the actions.... you're to far away.<P>You could be as sincere as all get out, but HOW does she KNOW that? She thought you were telling the truth once..and was wrong!! She doesn't want to go through that again.<P>Do you understand what I mean?<P>Have any thoughts on how your working on yourself can be SHOWN to her?<P>Let me know and we'll take it from there if you want to.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

I know I'm not on your "list" either, but here's my thought - I agree with Sheba that if all she's known from you is lies, why believe you now? Offer some proof, hard evidence. I like the idea of offering something hard to hear/say, BEFORE the question. I'm sure you know what it is she wants to know. <P>I hate to say this, but, here goes...are you absolutely sure you are not lying? Even a just a little bit? Maybe just leaving out some information she wants to spare her feelings? If you are, maybe she can sense that. If she's asking or has asked, and you have left out any information just because you think it would cause even more pain, then you're not really being completely honest, are you? You may think that it won't hurt, but if all she's known from you is lies, then she may crave the truth, no matter how painful you might think it is, more than anything else. Just my thoughts - good luck to you.

Hi toolbox, sorry you're feeling down.<BR>I'm afraid it will take a bit longer until your wife starts beliving in you again. It took me long enough and I forget very easily <BR>She needs to see some consistency in you, backing up what you say, ans as seba points out, since you're only communicate from "far" it might take a little longer 'cause she is not really seing you everyday to notice the difference.<BR>Please be patient. You can however explain nicely that her views are not correct anymore and that you'll be happy to prove it to her, in a way that she approves of as oposed to being called a liar, since yo are not lying now.<BR>Time will help. Just hang in there. It will get better.<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi toolbox....I hear your call, but am in no fit state to help anyone at the moment ... LOL, I can't even help my own situation. Sorry .... didn't want you to think I was ignoring you .... I'm on a look but don't participate kind of thing with this forum at the moment ... my own personal pain is clouding everthing. When I am more together, I'll try to help...