Thanks for reading my post as it is kind of humiliating. My ex and I broke up 4 years ago mainly because of finances-his were out of control and we were distant, not touching. He is Italian and Catholic and a little hung up in regards to sex. I think it's sweet hat he is old fashioned but we have trouble communicating about intimacy. We are considering living near each other or together only we have a big issue. He still does not like sleeping with me-that is both sleeping and sex are the issue. He hates sleeping the way I sleep-he likes the room cold, hates blankets, tosses and turns and much money was spent before on custom beds to fix the problem. His snoring is so terrible now I have issues about that and his breath has been getting worse. He likes only morning sex or sex in the shower.

As you can imagine I am going to someone to try and learn how to negotiate better-trouble is he is a little insensitive whereas I try too hard. He says things like, you are no babe, look at you. I am not asking for sex, but we don't even cuddle, he is very weird about it, because he sort of locks me into his arms refusing to let me move for hours and doesn't talk. The sex is hard to take as he cant' maintain an erection for long and gets depressed, and refused treatment in the past, preferring other ways of satisfying himself. I do not like the fact that he won't get help and am bothered by the fact he is avoiding help. I wonder if it will ever change and get emotionally excited and cry.

If I cry he gets very cold.

So are we even compatible anymore? It's so hard because we both love and support each other and he has been loving in other ways-sending me cards, calling, caring.

He has said he doesn't feel good about his weight and feels ugly and like a loser. I told him I don't judge him that way and he has to stop judging himself too. Other people don't know him like I do and it's what's inside that counts. I talk and talk and he listens and is fine but next day not so great. On top of that some days he doesn't leave his house because he feels ugly. I can't get him into counselling for that, so I am committed to helping. After all it's not easy getting older and he is near 50.

But the no intimacy, no holding, part is confusing. At the start he was very loving and affectionate that's why I wanted him! He won't say why he's not like that now only that he is overcome with emotion and it bothers him. When divorcing he brought up an emotional affair I had in our first year-it hurt him terribly and he still remembered it. In his eyes I was unfaithful and unloyal-sometimes I still see distrust in his eyes.

It breaks my heart that he is unforgiving. I don't want to be selfish because I know deep down I can't be right now. But I worry that we may end up just being able to tolerate each other, or living nearby and that will keep us from forming new relationships. If he doesn't want me I want him to at least find someone he can love-because he hasn't touched anyone in four years, and is very lonely.

Thank you,
Nat

The weight could cause sleeping difficulties. The weight could cause him to want the room cooler. The weight could be a sign of depression which could all be related to feeling ugly and like a loser.

Not easy getting older. He's nearing 50. Give me a break. I'm 49.

Could you get him into counseling to talk about what issues you need to resolve if you are to talk about an attempt at reconciliation?

Could you get him to a doctor (internist/family practioner) to talk about his sleep, snoring, weight, and depression? They might could lure him into counseling.

Does he want to reconcile? If so, how does he demonstrate it?

In my very humble opinion, your ex seems to be sending very mixed signals. Odd signals like living near each other, but telling you you aren't so hot.

Dear Salty 002,

Breath:

Does he floss? Does he ever let you floss his teeth?

Ever heard of a Tongue Scraper? Most bacteria live on the top of the tongue. When you scrape off the white layer of bacteria from the top of the tongue, it has a multiplier effect of reducing bacteria in the mouth.

Tang Tongue Bacteria Remover:
http://www.omniipharma.com/home_care.asp

BEDROOM TEMPERATURES:

If you like it cooler, you might use a fan to give your side a cooling effect. Maybe a dehumidifier blowing on your side.

AROUSAL:

Here is a link to a search on the Love Shack Forum. You might search Foreplay, or Erection on more liberal forums, to see what ideas you get.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=139254

DISPARAGING REMARKS:
Projection is the way we see ourselves in others. Try to give him comforting, uplifting words to encourage his feeling of being Charismatic.

I searched Affirmations in Yahoo, and there are many sites that sell you books or articles.

Here is an affirmation Web-Site with a few FREE affirmations to maybe give you some ideas for your own talk to him
http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_00000a.htm


It is encouraging to feel that you are trying to work things out.

Blessings.

The snoring could be a sign of a structural abnormality. Could be related to a sleep disorder. The mouth breathing could increase the likelihood of bad breath. It really may not be all psychological on his part.

Thank you everyone, I have told him about some of these remedies and he did go to the doctor. He said the doctor just wanted money and wanted to run tests but he didn't go back. He has sinus headaches all the time and feels very low, can't sleep. I keep asking him to go to another doctor but he is going to wait and see if they go away on their own, and maybe buy a few of these remedies first.

I wish he trusted doctors!

This is so hard on me, I want us to get past this but he shuts me out when he's heard enough.