Hi everyone,
I am glad to find this useful website and forums.
I've been married for about 16 months. My wife prefers rural life so I bought a house on a 3 acre land in a rather rural part (though not quite country rural). My wife has been feeling very depressed lately and our love affair is virtually non-existent. I am partly to blame due to my negligence and been so busy with work. Following a recent discussion, she suggested that in order to repair things, we ought to move out to the country (buy a large plot of land or a farm or something). I am not so sure how I could manage that and may need to quit my professional job altogether. My wife is not compromising on this issue and am facing a real dilemma. Either accept her demand or end the marriage!
Its my intention to save our marriage in every possible way. But I am really concerned about our financial future if I quit my job and move to a rural part. I am an engineer and may be able to work as a private consultant from home, but not so sure of the success of this. In addition, what if we do move out to the country and things between us didn't improve? I could end up losing my job as well as my marriage!
Is my wife been fair? How do I persuade her to compromise on this? Any advise would be appreciated.

Many thanks in advance.
AL

I am not sure that youre W's "ultimatum" is really an absolute "this or nothing", or more perhaps a misunderstanding of what's involved in being married, and a lack of investment from one or both of you into keeping the relationship going and alive.

Obviously, moving to the country if somehow you can't pay for it isn't a viable option in the long run, unfortunately.

Your marriage is relatively young, and you don't talk about your ages, or any of the expectations that might've been present before you got married, is this a first or second or 3rd marriage, etc.

My guess is that your W is looking for you to invest time in her. Once th ebloom is off the rose, and the cold harsh light of spending years together is laid out in front of you, it's enough to scare anybody.

How are you doing on UA time and RC, and meeting her EN's? Have you filled ou the EN questionnaire (both of you), and swapped them? has something happened that has brought on this depression?

As much as you have on obligation to meet her needs, she has the same to meet yours. Ultimatums leave no room for negotiation, and leave one partner feeling like they've been taken advantage of.

So I wouldn't get too focussed on the move yet, and dig a bit deeper. I strongly doubt that just moving to the country will make things better. It might very temporarily, but not in the long run.

Jaye,
Thanks for your reply.
This is our first marriage. I am in my 40's and she is in her 30's.
I will go through the EN questionnaire with her. We are planning to see a counselor. I do love her, but not sure if this love is reciprocated. I don't know if a marriage counselor can "re-create" love, and this is what worries me most. I do take some of the blame for neglegence earlier on due mostly to being so busy with work. But I am prepared to do anything to rescue our marriage and re-invigorate the old warm feelings of our romance.

regards,

AL.

PS would you mind if I PM you? If that's ok, how does the PM work here? I can't find a facility for Private Messaging.

There is no PM facility to help alleviate any sense of impropriety. However, I do use AIM (AOL instant messenger) or email, and both of those addresses are at the bottom of each of my messages and you are free to use them as you see fit.

I caved into a move to the country 10 years ago when husband just begged for it. I am 70 miles from family, friends and opportunity. If I had it to do all over again I would have never gone. My advice to you is to either move 1/2 way to the country (which it sounds like you have already done) or move into a small house in the city and buy a country place for the weekends. If she won't go for this, then she has other motives for wanting rural life...possibly to isolate you so she can have more control, or to isolate herself.

Be careful with the marriage counsellor. I am in training to become one, and most of what they're teaching me is opposite of what I've learned here. I am parroting it back to them to get my good grades, but it would be pretty scary to bring your precious marriage to someone who actually BELIEVES that stuff! Statistics show that marriage counsellors are more likely to make a situation worse than better, probably because (according to my textbooks) one of the main goals of counselling is to assist the individual to become completely independent, and because we are strictly directed not to try to teach negotiating skills as that is "outside the realm of counselling."

Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is the key, I believe. If the two of you can learn to negotiate for a solution that meets BOTH of your needs and gains BOTH of your enthusiastic agreement, then it's win-win.

My spidey-sense suggests that your wife might be feeling empty, which is a big red flag that she has some emotional needs not being met, OR not being met in a way that works for her. Obviously, your need for sexual fulfillment is being neglected, too.

I'm with the one who suggested you go through the Emotional Needs Questionnaire together, but I would add that you might benefit by printing off and reading together the entire Basic Concepts section.

Another spidey-hunch: maybe your job is taking too much of your time or energy, or there is a woman at work who seems to "like" you, or something else work-related that is negative for your wife?

I wish you all the best. Once we wrap ourselves around the concept of working hard for the ones we love, it just gets easier and easier to do.