I am also from GQII. Time to move over here as there is no MB to be done anymore. WH has been out of the house for two months, no signs of returning. He has stated he is willing to pay the bills (mortgage and utilities) and give me $$ for groceries, but has not given me any food $ yet, so I need to file to get a temp order of support.

I am a SAHM, I homeschool my 2 DD's. WH says he wants the HSing to continue, he wants us to stay in the house so the kids will have stability. I hate being nervous about $, so I need to get something set so I can concentrate on the emotional healing for me and my children.

I didn't want to be the one to file, I don't want him to be able to say "you did this to me". But, he is not doing anything so far, spending $ on his motel and OW and he doesn't have enough $ for a lawyer. Meanwhile, we sit here borrowing cash for groceries.

My STBX is an intimidating narcissist, I have this fear of making him mad by filing. I can't figure out what I am scared of him doing. I realized that I seem to have a masochistic streak and I have this need to see how bad he will try to put the screws to me, so I can finally lose my respect and loyalty to him. But, doing that is not fair to my children.

My family is being very supportive, they have loaned me the cash for a retainer. I have been the only one interested in trying to save my M, but I am done. He is not who I thought he was and that rips my heart out.

My long term goal is amicable coparenting, but right now, I don't trust him at all. So I figure if I can get the lawyers to handle all the D stuff, I can just worry about the emotional well being of the kids.

My situation is complicated due to tax issues, weird immigration fraud stuff (OW is in a fraudulent M to get citizenship) and the fact that we have been previously separated for two years.

But, I want out of Jerry Springersville so I can move on with my life and build a new world that doesn't include all this mucky muck.

((((jean))))

I'm so sorry it has come down to this for you, too. Stay strong. You can do this! You and your girls are in my prayers.

Hi ya to Jean and Sadmom,

I am over hear from GQ2 as well. Not where I want to be but I have fought a good fight. {{jean and sadmom}}

Hi Jean - Hang in there -

How come you were previsously separated and how will that complicate things?

Sadly, I have a feeling all of us are going to suffer more before it gets better. My husband is in crazy worry about the money issue. It's been one of the reaons I've wanted to reconcile - I can't stand the thought of trying to figure it all out. I haven't asked him for anything - but he has give me some of the money that technically is mine (tax returns, small distributions etc.). Truth is he's been generous and given me more than "my share". I couldn't have paid all of my bills without the extra money -despite the fact I have a full time job.

But the more time goes by, the more I get nervous about money - I haven't bought a coffee in 8 months - really hyper aware of every dollar - it's maddening and upsetting.... So in some ways if we get the divorce rolling then at least I'll know what the money thing is going to look like...and maybe it can help be relax.

Funny - I think my husband is a narcissist also - I've read some about it and I'm not just throwing that word around - I truly think he is! I've come to believe that Narccisists are completely unable to accept their role in screwing up the marriage....

The money thing does cause so much stress. It is just a constant level of anxiety. You know things are going to change, but you don't know when and how much so you can prepare for it.

I dropped off the retainer and the paperwork yesterday. I cried while writing the check. I hate being emotional, but it does make me feel better knowing that I don't take this crap lightly.

I am going to think about what preps I need to be making. I am still waiting fir someone else to tell me what my life is going to look like. I have to stop doing that. I need to figure out what I want my life to look like and go get it.

[color:"blue"]Jean,

I don't think that you would want things to remain this way forever. A good plan for the future of you and your children may be in order. It may be unrealistic to continue to stay at home and home school - eventually spousal support discontinues. Nowadays it is solely for spouses that need it in order to retrain or school for a career. There is no free ride.

Your lawyer may not give you the whole truth of things because he or she will earn more money the more you dispute things with your stbx. The more information you learn about what you can and cannot expect out of a judgement - the better off you will be. You will be able to instruct your lawyer in how to represent you fairly and you will be able to negotiate with your stbx from a position of strength, knowing what you can or cannot expect.

Do you want to live your life in fear that your stbx will someday just stop paying the cash you need to maintain your lifestyle? I would not want to live that way.

Start thinking of a job and a career. Don't depend on a narcissist for anything. He will try to control you through your needs - I would not want to need him for anything at all. Especially money.

V.[/color]

You are right Sunny, financial independance is the goal. I do have a degree and I work one day a week. I know I can get a job tomorrow full time that would support myself and the girls.

The homeschooling is something that is very important to us at this point. Especially with OD, putting her in school right now would have great negative impact. She is not handling the separation very well at all.

I have talked to 3 lawyers in person, and they all seem to think I should be able to get a minimum of 3 years alimony from WH, maybe graduated down, but a few years cushion anyway. The real estate lady came and looked at the house yesterday, to give me an idea of fair market value as is, and with improvements.

As it is now, we have no equity, but if I stay here for a couple of years, I can do the improvements needed to get cash out of it for a down payment on something I actually like.

I get mentally stuck thinking that the children and I should not have to change our standard of living because my H decided to run off with a married woman. But, the reality is, that we will make changes and we will be OK. I just need to focus on the big picture and make some good grown up decisions, and those are the kind of decisions I would have normally consulted my H about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But, time to grow up and set a good example!

I signed the petition for divorce this week. It seemed like it took a long time, but now it is done. I called WH on the way to the attorneys office to let him know I was filing and to make sure this is what he wants. He is just so dead inside, he can't put together a complete thought right now. I am very sad for him, I did love him very much and hate to see him doing this to himself. Not just the leaving his wife thing, but isolating himself from his friends, alienating his children, running himself into financial ruin...

We have a hearing for temporary support on Jan 4th.

Just thought I'd drop in and say hi - I'm starting to post on this forum myself, as I'm an MB program drop-out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I've been following your sitch on GQII since the beginning, but I don't post as much any more.

Hugs to you.

Alph.

Thanks Alphin. We seem to have alot of stats in common with our age and our DD's and our WH's who seem umable to exhibit any shame.

I remember your post after you filed. I also named OW which is going to really make WH mad. But all the key players are named, me and WH, the kids and now OW.

I am gathering pertinent info for the Jan 4th hearing. The issues are child support, temp spousal support and hopefully nail down a temp parenting plan. Any advice on what to expect from the initial hearing and how to prepare would be appreciated.

He is making me an offer for temp support but he maintains an attitude of 'doing me a favor' by 'letting me live here' until 'I get back on my feet'. On an emotional level, that just really sticks in my craw (is craw a word??).

I think I need to go ahead with the hearing instead of settling. It will cost a little more $$, but I think I need to have a rational person (like a judge) set the standard for 'doing me a favor' vs. facing the responsibilities of a man who left his family for another woman.