Alright, I finally get it. No matter his actions, my H does not want to be married to anyone including me. For him it doesn't matter that it will hurt everyone involved or that financially the kids and I will suffer. I hit bottom this morning when I found myself nearly begging this selfish "man" to work on our marriage. (yes I am an idiot that never seems to quite give up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). He is gone working with his buddy and for the 2nd week in a row putting someone else before his family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The D won't be final til after the holidays since my attorney is being slow I decided to wait and let my DD have her 13th bday without the drama of the D. I told my stbx that he MUST have a plan for where he will live and be out right after Christmas. This will give me two weeks at home with the kids to allow them to grieve (me too)
Disagree if you like but this was MY decision. He agreed and I WILL put his stuff out on the porch upon the deadline if he does not move. At that point I will change the locks.

I need a plan for me. I am back to reading Codependent No More. I need a plan for letting go. I need a financial plan. I may have to get a 2nd job. Would it make sense to do so on stbx's visitation days? Or some sort of side home biz? Ideas welcome.

How do I handle getting support for my kids? DD is in 7th grade so it is not like I can talk to 1 teacher, she has 7. DD is not a talker and will internalize most of this. Counseling did not work out as I cannot afford it and she wouldn't open up to the C anyway. She is her father's daughter in that sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm not sure what I am looking for. Maybe just to let you all know I finally "get it". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

As for visitation, if stbx won't come up with a schedule is it ok for me to write up a schedule? I will not live without a life plan any longer. My entire married life has been lived day to day. STBX is not a planner and I have adapted to it. I want my life from now on to be more orderly, planned and predictable.

Yes. Take charge, woman! No Fear!

It's *your* life to live as *you* see fit!

You no longer need to run every decision through the "X" filter!

(Saw your hello to me on Gramn's thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Been busy with a new sweetheart so I don't post much...
I'll be in TX for a while - maybe the TX MBers need a party crashed!

Hello ax murderer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> mister_freeze

I sent you som'pen Tiger

You can edit WST. Thanks. A new sweetheart? Kewl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What are they doing? What kind of work? Is his buddy maried? Do you know him? I'd almost bet he is not with a buddy working.

Faithfulfollower, you can let him live there as long as you want to. You can choose to accept that marriage *as it is* with him.

If you really get it, you will know that finding reasons (DD's birthday and Christmas) and postponing any changes (him moving out) will just continue to twist the knife that is already stuck in your heart.

It will never get any easier. Waiting won't make it easier or a better time.

After Christmas, there will be other occasions ~ Valentines Day and Easter. There will always be reasons to wait.

Bear in mind that he takes what you say with a grain of salt. He continues to leave on weekends. He doesn't think you will ever back your words up and make him move out.

It would be in your best interest to say what you mean and mean what you say.

I'm glad that someone else sees what I see happening...which is postponing over and over. There is never gonna be a time where there isn't a Holiday..someone's BDay...someone's graduation...moon in the seventh house...or Jupiter aligning with Mars. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just so you know...I don't even think he is "working" with a friend this weekend. I bet he is "working" the OW. Friends cover for one another, surely you realize this ff.

AND, another thing....if you are wanting him to have a "plan" you can wait til ****** freezes over because he ain't going anywhere until he is PUT OUT. The only thing he is "planning" on is bouncing back and forth between you and his other family.

I sure wish I thought that you finally "get it". Your post doesn't indicate anything even close to getting it. You are still choosing to live it...right at this moment. I'm pretty sure that your attorney could draw up some paper that would remove him from the house...especially if you were to explain how he bounces from you to this other family.

Are you concerned that if you put him out that he will live with this OW? I know some of the women that post on this site are so scared of the OW winning their WS (like he is some kind of prize <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) that they REFUSE to act on anything that would precipitate that happening.

People on this site will know when you finally "get it"...you won't even need to tell them.

committed

No, Susan I really mean it this time. By the time my attorney gets the paperwork to us to sign it won't be over til after the holidays anyway. I worked this weekend to clear out the guest room for him. He was supposed to move in there this weekend. Yes, he really is working. I do know this guy and he is not married, never has been. Has no clue what it means to me and my kids to have him work all weekend. This guy does not care as long as it benefits him. He is aware of the sit and frankly thinks I am a b*tch. After telling my DD that he would never work on Sunday again to do so this soon was the nail in the coffin. Not to mention other things that have been discussed with us, the most important being that he is not capable of teling me the truth in any sit. Every thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie or half truth.

I am done. Look I know I seem pathetic. Maybe I am to want so badly to not fail at marriage. I messed up big time years ago and am still punishing myself for that.

I realized yesterday when I was alone with DS for 12 hours that I don't even have a clue what a healthy relationship is. It scares me. Yet I want someone to really love and care for me.

No committed, I am not worried about him living with OW. He won't and if he does, he will tire of it quickly. I know I am too easy on him. I don't blame anyone for not believing but I do get it this time. He is not out "doing" OW, he is working. I speak to him throughout the day, I know where he is and he comes home filthy.

And actually my goal is to be out of this mess before I have to deal with the pain of OC's bday and valentines day etc. Don't NEED that heartache, KWIM?

Look, I may not sound angry and determined but I am. If you had any idea how charming my WH is you would know why it has been hard for me to see the truth. I wish I had D'd him a couple years ago when he hated me, maybe I wouldn't have struggled so hard with it.

Forget it, I wanted some ideas not criticism. Pep, told me I take criticism too well. Welll I am not in the mood to be beat up today!

No 2x4's here.
(((FF)))
Are you preparing for a life without WS?
Besides filing for D, what are you doing to make a life you you and the kids?

Yes, confused I am preparing for life without him. I am not sure where to start with a plan though. I want to be organized and tidy as possible with kids. I want to have friends over for dinner. I want to make sure the kids have a visitation schedule with their dad. I want to bring some fun into our lives, there has been so much pain. I want to get rid of the excess junk and simplfy my life so I can spend more time with the kids and less cleaning. I want peace.

I'm glad to see your "taker" taking care of you.

Hugs hunny. I don't mean to be hard on you.

It is your right to live your life anyway you want.

God bless you and your family,
Susan

Thinking about you FF. Saying prayers for you and your family too! God Bless!

SSG! How are you? Thank you for the prayers.

Suz, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks, I really need a friend now.

Hey FF. I am hanging in there. About all I can do at this point. Guess thats all any of us can do. I will be sure to keep you in my prayers and it would be great if you could do the same for my family as well. I just always try to remember that God has a plan for all of us and he will never leave us or forsake us. Hang in there FF!

You too, SSG. I will definitely pray for your family. Let me know how you are doing, ok?

I will try. I dont really want to talk to much over these forums though. FOMW doesnt need to know how things are going for me. She gets enough of that from my H. Take care FF!

Before I found MB I found the flylady. It is a website kind of like a life organization thing. The motto there is "You are not behind jump in where you are." I've been a "flybaby" for 4 years now, got through CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome). It helps breakthings down in manageable steps. Its all about making your home a haven for you and your family. Cleaning and organizing but not letting it run your life. I use to save all my cleaning for the weekends...not anymore...weekends are for fun!!!
I think Believer is also a flybaby.
Here is the website www.flylady.net Right now they a focusing on getting ready for the holidays. Be careful about signing up for the email they send out a ton of reminders everyday...I usually just delete most of them.