Yes, that is what I told him. The 26th. It is up to him to figure out where. No I won't give away my change the locks or put his stuff on the porch plan. I simply told him I accept now that we ARE divorcing. No more discussions about it. I was going to write up a visitation proposal as well.

LOUDER I can't hear you!

wait ....

you are trying to micromanage this already ... and I see frustration in your future...

for now ... leave it loose

allow him to step up as a Dad ... with no help from you ....

besides .... you don't know where he might go ...

just relax FF ...

get divorced first

Hi FF,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
my H does not want to be married to anyone...it doesn't matter that it will hurt everyone involved or that financially the kids and I will suffer. I hit bottom this morning when I found myself nearly begging this selfish "man" to work on our marriage.
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I bet it wasn't the first time, but you were hoping for a different answer!

I am sorry, FF, but I admit I not totally familiar with your story.

Can you/have you ever considered PLAN B? Or, just letting him know, if ever in the future he wanted to reconsider working on M, what needed to happen, and leave it at that, without expecting any reply at the moment, and then moving on?

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I decided to wait and let my DD have her 13th bday without the drama of the D. I told my stbx that he MUST have a plan for where he will live and be out right after Christmas... I WILL put his stuff out on the porch upon the deadline if he does not move
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Personally, I feel it's 'drama' anytime a WS is nearby.
Have you lined up the boxes?

I am learning to avoid 'demanding' anything, just state what YOU plan to do.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
I need a plan for me. I am back to reading Codependent No More. I need a plan for letting go. I need a financial plan. I may have to get a 2nd job. Would it make sense to do so on stbx's visitation days? Or some sort of side home biz? Ideas welcome.
----------------------------------------------------------

I would try not to make list toooo long. I would start with what you feel is the priority. I am finding that some 'things' fall into place by themselves, or somehow become self-evident given the chance.

FF, I have to admit, for me, I don't think I could have 'focused' on what I needed to do until I was 'physically' out of reach of WS - PLAN B - and literally on 'my own'. This gave/is giving me a chance to get centred/grounded/closer to what are my 'basic' values and live by them....and most importantly, learning to look after myself, my needs and to better fulfill my responsabilities.

So, given that experience,I would start with fulfilling the objective of getting WS out of your life as much as you can (if you can't do PLAN B), otherwise, it's like wanting to go on a diet while at the same time keeping all the junk food within reach, having an alcoholic working at a bar... I think you know what I mean.

Good luck.

Yes, I do now. I hit so low yesterday I did not want to live. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is not good at all. I am finally ready for a new life away from OW/OC crappola and an H that doesn't want to be an H.

He knows what is required, Luna. I really think he was never meant to be married or be a father. Perhaps someday he will...but it won't be any time soon.

I think you are correct that letting go and getting out of the daily drama is the first priority.

You are right...here I am trying to *control* the sit again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Ok, I will let it be for now. He knows what I want any way. No, I am not going to find him a place or anything like that either so don't say it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

well ... discussions with your H about how you feel ~only~ serve to make you feel worse .... because with every discussion you fly your flag of hope that "this time" and "if I only use the right words" and "one more try,after all, he's feeding the dog sometimes" ...

your expectations about "talking' cause you to crash emotionally

exactly right, Pep.

FF,

Pep:------------------------------------------------------
discussions with your H about how you feel ~only~ serve to make you feel worse ....
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....and a waste of your energy which you need to put to better use, FF.

What can FF do for HERSELF that will make her feel special? I suggest this be part of your plan and a better use of your energy.

Me, I am sending you lots of 'virtual' HUGS!!!!!

quote:----------------------------------------------------
No, I am not going to find him a place or anything like that either so don't say it!
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You better not, or get ready for an earful from us!

Luna, thanks for the hugs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to think on this. I have had my giver out for a long time and don't do much for myself. I need to bump my own self up the list me thinks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes! Make you a priority. And I will do the same. Deal? (((FF)))

What can you do for YOU?

Hi FF,
On your list of things to do today....put your name.

On that flylady site I sent you, to make things fun they give "missions". One of the missions they give is pampering yourself. They have a whole section on just how to do that.
After being a giver for so long some of us actually have to stop and think of how we could be pampered...then feel uncomfortable or guilty about it. Go figure?!You deserve it...do something tonight!!We'll want to hear what it was tomorrow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi FF,

Me thinks you are right!

So is C42:--------------------------------------------------
After being a giver for so long some of us actually have to stop and think of how we could be pampered...then feel uncomfortable or guilty about it.
------------------------------------------------------------

Humour us, FF, try and do something for you, even the smallest little thing....OK???

I will, the timing is good because DS's caregiver is working with him tonight. I will look up flylady.com and get some ideas. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well older DS was in a car accident last night. He's ok but his car is not. So I did not get to treat myself last night except to a nap with younger DS on the couch. Tonight I meet with my Bible study friends for coffee. STBX gets the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

more hugs for you on this thread too {{{FFF}}}
i am very sorry about older DS. I'm glad he is ok!!!

i have not been keeping up on this thread. i love the oath Pep helped you make. now how about this oath.

ON THE 26th OF DECEMBER, I WILL CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!!!

you know i think you are waiting too long, what fun will it be to have dad move out the day after x-mas/b-day.

i still wish you would get him out sooner, i really think you would be better off, as would the kids!!!

i could never live in the environment you are now in for another month (and a week!!).

i hope you will consider what i am saying. i don't think you are doing DD any favor here FF.

have you guys talked to her yet? or is the plan to tell her about the divorce on Dec 26.

i'm sincerly sick thinking about how this is going to be for her.

i hope i am not stepping on your toes here, i am certainly not meaning to be mean. you know how much i care about you FF.

it's just so hard for me to not say this!

please, please, re-consider having him move out sooner!!!

I don't know, FL. My plan works out so I have two weeks home with DD and DS to soothe them. Yes, we were planning on telling them on the 26th and have him move out that day. I know in some ways that seems cruel, I have to think that part of it through still.

FF, hon, I'm absolutely with everyone else on this but you need to bear in mind that from this Christmas, DD will always associate Christmas with H leaving.

I don't know what you can do about that.

Pep, anyone, any ideas?

Jen