MSA and Jaysmom:

Thank you so much for your help. On Wednesday, WH took a lot of his things from our apt. That includes the computer. So it isn't easy to find a computer that I can use (I'm at the public library now).

When I informed him that he would no longer have health benfits, the locks were being changed, and he is no longer on the lease, I can't tell you how great it felt. He was so antry--he hung up on me--but so what! I'm taking control of my life. I'm actually looking forward to what happens next. It's a nice shift--from devastating and wekaness to power and control.

If the Harvey book is as helpful as the Dobson book, I can't wait to get it. Thank you for all your support. And thank you for tips on "netiquette," MSA!

Cherubino

Cherubino, I'm SO SORRY that he took the computer you use for Marriage Builders -that sucks, if I may say so!!!

Good for you for taking control though, it doesn't need to be angry on your part (indeed shouldn't be) just resolved, loving but firm. Yes, parental. Because he's acting out like a 2-year-old.

Let me know what you think about "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Harvey, I loved that book too!

MSA

Cherubino, I'm still sorry that your WH took your computer! If you get a chance to check in, how are things going?

MSA

Thanks for asking! There are good days and bad days. Good days are when I have no contact with him. Bad days are when I encounter him in some way. I learned today that his mother just suffered a stroke, and I did call him to see her condition--we kept things very neutral and calm. He's very detached. I'm very detached. But I am still EXTREMELY concerned for him as his parents now are both in very poor health. But, I keep telling myself, we are both in charge of our own selves.

I got the Harvey--I like it, but I am feeling a lot of fear that my WH will choose being alone rather than being together. It will probably work out, but it sucks.

Cherubino,
It definitely does suck. Harvey does a good job of outlining manipulative behavior which was helpful for me to read & reread. I'm wiser now then I was last year, that's for sure. More discerning I think.

Anyway, I am sorry to hear about his mother. That is hard. Are you close to his parents?

Cherubino - how are things going???

MSA and Jaysmom--I recently got internet restored. I'm not sure if either one of you are still active on this site, but I wanted to fill you in. My (common-law) WH moved all of his things out in the middle of November. He left me in a precarious financial postion--and a precarious emotional position.

He began to see someone else before he left--not the with whom he had the affair--this is a new woman--and now they have applied for a marriage license. Emotionally, there are good days and bad days. The good days are when he seems far away and the bad days are when he seems close by. And happily now there are more good days than bad days. We have had minimal contact since November. When we do have contact, it's very bad for me emotionally. I feel like a failure, like I am disposable, like I am easily replaceable, like I am unworthy, and that I don't measure up. That's what I feel, but it's not what I KNOW. What I know is that he said that he and his new love decided to get married in THREE DAYS. THREE DAYS! He told me that he knew in THREE DAYS that "She is the One." So if it lasts between them, great. But I doubt that it will.

Before I lost the internet, I read something you posted by Frank Pittman about romantic infidelity. I bought his book PRIVATE LIES, and found it very helpful, along with the other two books you recommended. I am sorry to say that I am now very knowledgeable about the various types of infidelity and the various possible outcomes.

My financial situation is much better than it ever was when we were together. I am planning to be out of the country on the date of their wedding. I have discovered how important ABSOLUTE honesty is, and I have discovered how many lies he told me.

But like I said, there are good days and bad days. Lots of prayer. Lots of spiritual time. Lots of journalling, thinking, reading, and crying. I wish that we could predict the future, but we can't.

Thank you so much for your help and encouragement. It meant so much to me to read your words during the most traumatic event of my life. I hope you are both doing well, and if you see this posting, please respond. I want to know how it goes for both of you.

Cherubino