I don't know whether or not I'm posting this in the right spot. I have a friend that is married and I'm best friends with her. Here in lies the problem. Her husband and she have had a pretty boring marriage the past ten years, two kids and from what I have heard from her they have drifted apart. They once had a very good friend, which I'm aware of, male that is, and then they moved off and lost all contact with him. Two months ago her husband ran into the old friend and come to find out he has a son and is married now and also has a band. He invited my best friend and her husband out to see his band play. My friend told me it was a lot of fun but one particular thing she noticed was the guitar player was very into her the whole night. Staring, smiling, and even complimented her on the wine she was drinking. She said she found it a little odd.

Then they invited my best friend and her husband out again to a different bar on October 29th. They arrived at the bar and again this guitar player was very much into my best friend. He kept staring at her and smiling and pretty much when he was singing he would look straight at my friend, this time I was there to witness everything. My best friends husband does not dance, or isn't a very good dancer. My best friend kept begging him to dance with her and he would not. My best friend being a bit intoxicated walked up to everyone to tell them goodbye and the in question asked my best friend why she didn't dance all night and she said that her husband wouldn't dance with her that he said he wasn't intoxicated enough and then she said "Would you need to be drunk to dance with me", he replied ****** no. Then she said she didn't know it was a costume party or she would have came in a nurses outfit and he replied "You would be the hottest nurse in here". With that she gave him her phone number. Something I've never seen my friend do and told him to call her. He never did!

Cut to a couple of days ago. My best friend went to a meeting with this band because we have several connections where we live with the music scene and have been trying to book this band into some pretty good clubs. Her husband didn't go this time. While in the meeting this guy gets up and comes back with a shot for her and a drink for himself. She says jokingly to him "If you get me drunk you will have to drive me home", to which he replied "Which home do you want to go to?", while giving her a devilish smile. She left there that night without incident.

Next morning my friend text this guy and said "I do love a challenge", to which later on in the day this guy called her on his way home from work. He told her that it was all harmless flirting and that he does not come in between marriages and he wants her to be aware of that and that nothing will come of their flirting together. To which my friend says "Ok" to. Later on in the night she took her daughter and myself shopping with her and this guy texts her with "My will is good", she wrote back and said "You think you can resist me?", and he wrote back and said "You'd be surprised at what I can resist", she wrote back and said "You know I'm just playing right?", his response was "You bet, I'm just defending myself against your sweet seductive sensuality".

My problem with this is that I don't know if this guy really means what he says, because in my code of ethics book, once you know a woman is married you do not go out of the way in flirting with her with the sexual connotations that he has already been displaying. Nor would you call her or text her. If you don't come in between marriages then what is what he is doing? I'm complexed and worried. Worried for my friend and worried that this guy is really devious and maybe he has it in his mind that if he puts that out there and she continues to pursue him then it is not he that did the wrong but her. Any comments, advice or suggestions here as to what his actions may be and what I should do to try and get through to my friend. My friend is 31 and the guy in question is 37. Thankyou in advance.

Maybe you could ask your friend to read some of the stories here. Help your friend look down the road a bit, the road that she is currently traveling. See her kids and husband leaving or hating her, losing her dignity, her family and her sense of self worth...

Ask how she would feel if her husband found the tect messages, it is past harmless flirting. Adultery destroys families, a few prayers for your friend wouldn't hurt either.

Jean thankyou for replying I was hoping for some fast replies. The thing is that my best friend really thinks he is being honest with her in telling her that it is harmless fun and that he is not trying to come in between their marriage or will he. But I don't believe so. I don't buy it for a moment. He says he is too moral to do that. Well what about staring at her, saying those things to her, and most of all talking to her like that. If you truly have no intentions of coming in between a marriage then why would you overstep that? How can I make her see that he is wanting an affair and that she needs to stop that and stop thinking this guy isn't out to get her. Because I don't believe it for a moment.

Why don't your ask your friend how she would be feeling if the roles were reversed, and her husband was having some flirtatious behavior with another woman behind her back?

Ask her to imagine her husband finding out? Ask her to imagine herself ending up as another divorce statistic?
Ask her if it is so harmless why not show all of her messages to and from this guy to her husband?

Bryan I understand that. What I want to do is try and show her that this guy is not telling the truth. He has her snowed into believing that he is not going to come in between their marriage. This guy to me is nothing more than a silver tongue snake. He has her snowed in. Ie the look of a noble guy and I'm telling her that it isn't harmless flirting, to look at what all he has said. She just thinks this guy is playing and I don't see it that way. And all just because he is telling her that nothing will come of it.

I don't know how you can convince someone that he is a snake if they refuse to acknowledge it. This guy sounds like a smooth operator. He is basically saying they can have a secret sexual flirting relationship because he has too much respect for her marriage to take it further. The truth of course is that he is deliberately undermining her marriage by pretending she is safe to engage in an emotional affair at the very least. The sad fact that the time she is investing in an emotional affair takes away from her marriage. The bottom line is that this guy is a player and she is enjoying the game. The only thing that a really strong friend could do is to tell her husband. Your friend will hate you but you will save her marriage. Otherwise it will be a matter of time before her marriage will take a big hit. There is nobody who is as blind as one who refuses to see which is the definition of your friend.

Bryan,

I very much enjoy your guidance. I called the guy myself tonight and asked him outright what he thought he was doing with her. He said "I'm having fun being her friend and that is as far as it goes, I see nothing wrong with what I'm doing", I told him that I didn't see it that way and I could see through the whole just friends thing and that if she was truly just a friend and he had no intention of coming between her marriage then he would knock it off with the "you're hot" compliments and other sexual connotations but he says he sees nothing wrong with it. So I don't see him stopping. I am going to try and appeal to my friend again. Guy's like this never cease to amaze me. I think what he is trying to do personally is put the line out there and get her to make all the moves so that way he can say he never pursued her in that manner.

I think your analysis is dead on. He will get her used to the compliments and the emotional connection. After she is hooked he will allow her to seduce him. I wonder if this guy was married would he feel nothing wrong about another man telling his wife she is hot and making sexual connotations? He is disrespecting her and her marriage. He is a predator and will probably succeed because your friend is eating it all up. After she is hooked he may go cold turkey which will make her want him more which will then lead to a sexual affair because she will be unable to cut off the emotional connection she craves. I feel very sorry for her husband because he cannot fight what he does not see. Maybe her husband should have a talk with him and let him know how he feels about this fun friendship. This guy is a snake. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change which goes for both him and your friend. Your friend stands to lose everything and this man stands to lose nothing so why should he stop? I am afraid only informing the husband will make this guy think twice. What do you think?

I probably wouldn't waste time trying to talk to this guy. He knows what he is and you know what he is. I would concentrate on your friend and why she is vulnerable to his advances. How is your relationship with her husband? Is this something you could talk to him about if your friend continues this behavior? I don't envy your position, you are watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Yeah I don't envy my position either. Well allow me to add a little more to this twist. I was told by her that she got very drunk on Saturday night and when she was getting ready to leave she hugged this guy and then kissed him on the neck, since the place is dark no one saw this. He hasn't contacted her since that incident so maybe he will be thwarted off. I still think this is part of some game to him to make her seduce him and not the other way around.

I don't have a very good relationship with her husband. He is a pretty quiet type and doesn't tend to get close to any of her friends, she has several. This guy in question was/is married to the lead singer's sister (also my friends husbands friend) and they are going through a divorce, per his request. I'm not sure where all this is headed but perhaps he won't contact her again after she kissed him on the neck but something in me says he is going to make her do everything, which I'm sure she probably will.

Their marriage is in trouble because her husband, despite being a good husband ie working all the time and providing, doesn't pay much attention to her. Doesn't compliment her, isn't romantic, doesn't do anything special for her and now comes along this guy that pays her a little attention and it has caused quite a stir with her. I am not overly sure what I'm going to do about it but I'm not going to sit back and watch this train wreck, I can assure you that. I am going to attempt to talk to this guy again and see if I can't make him see a very clear cut point of view. Despite him sitting there saying he doesn't want anything like that, I think he is a liar and that is exactly what he wants. But he is coy about it and ultimately I think he will justify it by saying she did it, not me. I don't want that and I don't want my friend to lose her entire family over some 37 year old mind game playing ******!