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#1520961 11/13/05 06:52 PM
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This is my first post here. I found this website looking for help to fix my marriage.

I have already went through the basic concepts and did the worksheets. WS has not done so yet. Before I go further, the story is similar to others but I'm left with some concern with what I have found out. I'm sorry for the book. I have nobody to talk to in this matter.

I've been married for 7 years and this is my 1st. For my wife, her 2nd. My S and I work together at the same company. About 3 - 4 weeks ago she was asked to help out in another dept for 6 weeks. While she was going though a quick training session, she was offered to work in that dept perm. This was great, because she was looking to see the other aspects of the business.

About 2 weeks ago, our 5 yr old daughter was playing on my S computer and ended up opening up a bunch of apps and I needed to through undoing what she had done. Email app was one of the things that was open. Focused on the Sent Items, i see emails going to another man, who works at the same place in this new dept. It seemed harmless, I was a bit shocked and somewhat upset but kept my cool not wanting to play into it being more that what it may be. Then that same night, I get an email from my S saying she's going to go out with some people after work. I asked if this person was going to be there and expressed my concerns over the emails. (I always thought we had an open relationship not keeping secrets and addressing issues right away). She ended up coming home that night. We talked. She played dumb (expected) and said it was just someone she works with. I would have dropped it at that.

So two nights later, she emails me saying she had to stop by the bank (1 block away from work) and stop by the store on her way home and asked if i wanted anything (right next to our apt). It only takes 15 min to drive from work - home. 30 min, i text her to see if everything is ok. the weather was really bad. no response. I call, get her voice mail. and hour, 2 hours, I'm calling and finally pack up our daugher and go looking for her. she calls close to 3am (4 hours later), I swear someone was in the car with her, which she still says there was not. Said she went for a drive. She told me where she drove, etc. I know these roads very well and it doesn't take 4 hours to drive this even under the speed limit. And the the distance is well over 40+ miles. Her car only showed she clicked aound 20.

So I end up my snooping/spying. I find emails on her free acct of this guy. Saying they need to meet up again, go out and get together, etc. I talked with my S that night and confronted her again. Explained why I was thinking this way. I even confronted the OP via email to back off. Work policy prevents confortations which results in harassment being filed.

We went over our problems, feelings, and that we needed help to fix it. She said that they were friends, just as before and only co-workers. Two days later she's emailing me 2 min after her shift to say she was going to hang out with people at work for about an hour. I can't respond to it since she's not at her desk. I text her and she gets upset. Now the problem gets worse. I'm dealing with a medical condition that is treatable with surgery but I'm not able to get all the resources together to have the surgery. The severity of it is i could die. When 2 hours go by, I call and get VM, no ring. She turned off the phone. By this time I'm sick of it and pack my bags and my daughters bags, leave her a vm saying if you want to fix this then call, once i'm out of town, i'm not coming back.

this was my despiration cry. My family lives 1400 miles away so I had no where to go. Luckly she catches me before I leave. We talk. I saw an email to this guy the night before saying she couldn't meet up with him the next morning because she had our daughter since she didn't have school. I asked her if she made any further contact with him since the last time we talked and i sent the email. she said no (not surprised). I point out time, etc. Still got no. So I told her. S is surprised now. She said he was not going to make contact anymore since I had told him to back off. We agree we need to start working on this asap. Where I find this site and show her what I put together.

So now lastnight, I'm still uneasy over the OP. I'm snooping emails again and catch one coming in. Usual chat and that my S ask him if it was ok if she came home to be with our daughter. "asked him" I'm mad at this point, and he gives her permission. I copy the email, send it to him, telling him this stops now. I've been working with my supervisor on this since this started, my health is keeping me from working. My supervisor I'm able to go through harassment and will work with me on it. My S and the OP says, they will just say they are friends and there is nothing work can do. Well see come tomorrow morning.

Anyways, S emails me upset. The whole converstion from my email on. OP is like erase this from your inbox and sent mail box. She came home we talked. I told her how i feel and explain what MB has layed out for us. She said she is confused and wants to work it out with me, but doesn't want to lose him. he is just a "friend". I told my wife my feelings. I'm not the emotional man. I don't cry, not even at funerals. I pulled out the worksheets told her that i have seen things that i have done wrong, we both are at fault here and poured all my emotions on her from what I felt was wrong with me from the work sheets to what i filled out about her. I don't think she was quite ready for that. I think more surprised I even opened up.

She says she will go over all of the contents and fill out the worksheet when she gets home tonight. So far I think we have agreed to that contact with the OP will stop for 3 - 4 weeks to start with. I feel as long as he is "there" its going to make it harder to work on us. She keeps insisting he is a friend and knows what she's going through, but I see more he's playing it his way to get what he wants. I was the fool 10 - 12 years ago in high school that did the same thing until it back fired on me and i got beaten from someone's BF.

My problem is, was this a good temp solution to cut the OP for a few weeks, so she feels as though she's not cutting him completely and we would reasses our progress and renegotiate at that time. Also should I still continue with my harassment case at work. It does effect my work and I'm not into people pointing and stuff when they know more that is going on than i do.

I've looked through Plan A and Plan B, and separating isn't going to work, because well be 1400 miles apart and I feel that the OP will use separation to his advantage. My S also brought up separation even divorce. I feel that was from his influence too.

I hope I'm on the right track.

Lost

I'd also like to add, I know there has been no sex. Just for the reason, my S had an IUD put in and is have problems with it. I'm not sure about kissing or any other type of sex.

Last edited by LostAndNeedHelp; 11/13/05 07:00 PM.

BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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You've got to start on a real Plan A...
...see my links at the bottom.

About some of what you wrote...
Quote
She said she is confused and wants to work it out with me, but doesn't want to lose him. he is just a "friend".
... not only must she lose him... it must be an immediate separation (i.e. NO CONTACT.
Quote
So far I think we have agreed to that contact with the OP will stop for 3 - 4 weeks to start with.
Insufficient... if necessary she must change departments so as to NEVER have contact with this predator!
Quote
was this a good temp solution to cut the OP for a few weeks?
No... NO... and really NO!!!!!!!!... if she is serious about saving the marriage... there must be 'NO CONTACT'!!!
Quote
My S also brought up separation even divorce.
... in general, this is a bad sign... since it brings up the idea the marriage can be a 'throw away'.

Your focus in the early stages is to Plan A your heart out.

There is a lot of wisdom in the old posts out there...
...check out the links in Notable Threads/Posts.

Jim/NSR

NSR #1520963 11/13/05 10:50 PM
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Quote
You've got to start on a real Plan A...
...see my links at the bottom.

About some of what you wrote...
Quote
She said she is confused and wants to work it out with me, but doesn't want to lose him. he is just a "friend".
... not only must she lose him... it must be an immediate separation (i.e. NO CONTACT.
Quote
So far I think we have agreed to that contact with the OP will stop for 3 - 4 weeks to start with.
Insufficient... if necessary she must change departments so as to NEVER have contact with this predator!
Quote
was this a good temp solution to cut the OP for a few weeks?
No... NO... and really NO!!!!!!!!... if she is serious about saving the marriage... there must be 'NO CONTACT'!!!
Quote
My S also brought up separation even divorce.
... in general, this is a bad sign... since it brings up the idea the marriage can be a 'throw away'.

Your focus in the early stages is to Plan A your heart out.

There is a lot of wisdom in the old posts out there...
...check out the links in Notable Threads/Posts.

Jim/NSR

I agree completely with losing him right away. I just didn't want to go through making demands, etc. I was looking were we would be in the state of mind in a marraige and the giver/taker aspect. Then going to some type of agreement. I just didn't want to say do this now then push her to him more. I want to bring this up with our HR. Should I still follow through with this. My supervisor said he would help me anyway he can.

I have been going over plan A and printing it out right now. I was talking with my dad who has been giving me support feels like i do, this guy is up to something, even if my wife feels otherwise. I just don't want to do anything that may cost me my job or our jobs, but that may be what is needed. I don't know.

i can say it has been an eye opening experience for me and never thought we were this bad. I feel that the OP has his influences in this.

Thank you

Lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Quote
I agree completely with losing him right away. I just didn't want to go through making demands, etc. I was looking were we would be in the state of mind in a marraige and the giver/taker aspect. Then going to some type of agreement. I just didn't want to say do this now then push her to him more.

I don't think that making the "demand" of No Contact falls into the LoveBuster category at all. I understand what you're thinking I believe, but I think you misunderstand Plan A, it is not being a doormat to your W's affair. A selfish demand is "if you don't pick up my dry cleaning, I'm not having sex with you tonight." or whatever. "You need to end your affair, completely." is not a selfish demand. Most of the MB concepts are for use when the affair is ended; your focus now needs to be on bringing that about through the necessary means. Giver/taker, emotional needs, lovebusters, policy of joint agreement, and so on are all fabulous marriage tools, WHEN the affair is over. Study the carrot/stick plan of Plan A.


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Mrs_STOWaway #1520965 11/13/05 11:34 PM
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Quote
I don't think that making the "demand" of No Contact falls into the LoveBuster category at all. I understand what you're thinking I believe, but I think you misunderstand Plan A, it is not being a doormat to your W's affair. A selfish demand is "if you don't pick up my dry cleaning, I'm not having sex with you tonight." or whatever. "You need to end your affair, completely." is not a selfish demand. Most of the MB concepts are for use when the affair is ended; your focus now needs to be on bringing that about through the necessary means. Giver/taker, emotional needs, lovebusters, policy of joint agreement, and so on are all fabulous marriage tools, WHEN the affair is over. Study the carrot/stick plan of Plan A.

I didn't see anything on the carror/stick plan. But I printed everything I can find on plan A and infidelity. I do know it's not a sexual affair, it is an emotional affair. But to me it's just as bad because that can lead to a sexual relationship.

I'll try to discuss this with my S more when she gets home from work tonight. The ways I used to check up on her and now not available to me at this time.

Should I still continue though work and my HR dept and my supervisor and continue this with harassment. It is one of the forms of harassment at work we have since there are many couples that work at our place of employment.

I know i have my work cut out for me and i'm ready to fight.

thank you

lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Howdy Lost.

Take some action quick...you can read the thread "ExposedWW Last Night..." by Hopethisworks to see what happens to people when they don't really take action.

You "know" it's not a PA? How? I'm sorry but you must prepare yourself that she may have. What the else do adults do until 3am?

Seriously, read the thread referenced above. A lot of good stories there. And remember, the experiences from those of us who've been here are almost all typical...details are different but generally the same in the broad view.


BS (me) 36
FWW 32
DD 5
DS 2
D-Day & Exposure 4/3/05
D-day #2 Early June '05
In Recovery
mflake #1520967 11/14/05 08:22 AM
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hi mflake,

The reason why I know it's not PA is because she had and IUD put in for birth control. She has been having some complications with it (forgive the grossness) and has been bleeding very badly for the past 5 weeks. The dr said this is normal in the beginning while her body is getting used to this. I've been there with her on this since the day she had it put in and been there on that since. Unless there is oral involved, which has entered my mind or the OP doesn't care about her health and has forced him self on her physically.

I had talked more with her last night to start our recovery. I asked if she has talked to the OP, she said he didn't work yesterday. I told her to make this work, I continued to stress honesty and no lies and that she has to drop all contact with him. The original agreement of a few weeks has been removed from the table. She didn't argue on it this time.

I am going to be taking this up with HR at work. I did have a thought on the Joint Agreement would like to see what people think. Would it help to put agreements in writing so if there was a question that comes up to where "you didn't say this" or whatever on either of our parts, it can be pulled out and be shown that it's on paper. Just a though on it.

I can say I thought last night the efforts to fixing this has been a bit more smoothly than the past few weeks and she is showing that she does want to work this out. I can tell she's not liking to come home right after work every night. Last night was the first night, but it looks promising.

Lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Lost,
My H put a lot of things in writing for us; the EN questionnaires and LB questionnaires are in writing, the financial needs assessment is in writing. Writing things out is a tool for making sure both parties understand and agree to the same things. Not a court document to pull out when she fails or makes the occassional mistake, but a positive guideline of how you want your relationship to look. For example, my H and I outlined in writing our agreements (POJA) for boundaries at work, with friends and churchmembers or the opposite sex, old friends, lunches & coffees, disclosing personal information, business travel and carpooling, those types of agreed-upon boundaries. We wrote out boundaries about independent judgement, lovebusters, financial boundaries and responsible actions & goals, etc. I think writing things out is great, just use it as a positive tool, not a punishment to prove that you're right and she's wrong (lovebuster!)

How are things going on the exposure front?

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Mrs_STOWaway #1520969 11/19/05 08:37 PM
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Exposure has been hard on me. Right now my S is upset that I brought it up with work. She said she doesn't want people to look at her and starting thinking what I'm already brought forth. I'm like, thats how I feel when they look at me, like they know something I don't. I told her the reasons why I brought it up at work and one was for our own protection. I'm learning more and more everyday that this guy isn't very secure in the head. It's making me sick to my stomach the more people tell me this. So friday we had our disagreements. I kept calm and cool on everything and if I felt it was going to get heated, I would pause or stop for a min. She tried to come back with everything and anything. I asked her if she intended on contacting the OP while she was visting her mom, she told me no. I asked why she texted her phone his email. she said she thought she may wanted to contact him. Right now I think the truth factor is going to be hard for her on this. Everytime she lies on this, I uncover more and more. I tell her to be honest for both of us. I told her I can force her to make any decisions but I will be her if she decides to choose us. I made a movie for her with what little pictures we have together and some important events in our lives as well. I know it hit her and caught her off guard. Today we took our daughter up to MT Hood to play in the snow. It seemed to go well. I just work on meeting her needs right now it's all I can really do. It keeps coming up that he's got to go and I tell her as long as he's here, it makes it next to impossible for me to put effort into working this out.

I have my work cut out. I told her if she wants advice from someone, and doesn't want it from me, get it from someone who doesn't have the ties to her as the OP. I keep telling her about this site and tell her to post our situation up here and see what people say. I told her they will say the same things i've been saying because this is where I've been getting my help.

She's still dwelling on our work knowing. I think it's more making it harder for her to be secret about it. I'll keep posted at to what's going on. I think were making headway, atleast talking right now. I feel like I'm doing all the work, but I'm seeing to me what is her moving from the withdraw stage and moving into the conflict stage. If I'm right, were moving along well. Atleast faster than what I was expecting. But she will be back at work on monday and OP will be there I think. I'm not positive if he works mondays or not. if not, then she won't see him until thursday. so that would leave almost 2 weeks not seeing him or no contact that i'm aware of. I can't get into her email acct since she changed the p/w, but i'm working on that.

I also told her that we are both to blame for making each other unhappy. I said that she has nobody to blame for going to another person. I said that i would have been hurt but happy if she would have talked with me. truth may have hurt that she was not happy, but it could have started the fixing process and not be in the situation we are in. we cant change the past, but we can learn from it to prevent it from happening in the future.

Lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Who did you expose to at her work, and what did you tell them?

Of course you telling people at her work makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't like it. Affairs like to happen in secret! Having to deal with disapproval, guilt & shame from co-workers or bosses takes all the romantic fun out of the developing relationship! Heaven forbid someone like you ruin her fun, what a kill-joy! Ah, to cheat in peace.

You keep working on your Plan A, I'll try to dig up that carrot/stick thing...

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Mrs_STOWaway #1520971 11/19/05 10:17 PM
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From Pepperband:
Quote
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Mrs_STOWaway #1520972 11/20/05 01:00 PM
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Quote
Who did you expose to at her work, and what did you tell them?

Of course you telling people at her work makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't like it. Affairs like to happen in secret! Having to deal with disapproval, guilt & shame from co-workers or bosses takes all the romantic fun out of the developing relationship! Heaven forbid someone like you ruin her fun, what a kill-joy! Ah, to cheat in peace.

You keep working on your Plan A, I'll try to dig up that carrot/stick thing...

MSA

I told my morning supervisor, my regular supervisor and HR at first. I had a few friends who know me pretty well and when i'm not cracking jokes and being goofy at 7 am they know something is wrong or i'm not feeling well.

I brought it to them as all. Then another supervisor, which was my S supervisor knew something was wrong and I brought it to his attention. He is my supervisor on Saturdays. All I said was what has been going on in the past few weeks from my perception. The evidence I found and then what I was thinking that could be going on. My main concern for bringing this up with HR was to prevent any retaliation on myself or my S from OP. I'm working my heart out. Sometimes it feels like I'm just doing all the work. Well it still feels that way. It's like I can see it in her eyes she wants to give in but still just doesn't want to. Like she's ready to crack any sec. I think there may be one massive emotional dump that may come out of it too.

I feel that I have made major headway in my changes that she was unhappy with me on. It also has changed my attitude at work as well. I was to the point of just getting bitter from all the customers that would yell at me. But now I'm finding with my changes, they are not yelling as much any more.

Right now when we go out, I try to hold her hand. right now feels more like she just doesn't want to, but I do it anyways.

Were going to be going out again today, so well see how well this goes.


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Today i left a note for my S, just as I have been over the past couple of weeks, one was to have her come by my desk before she went to her floor to start her shift. She told me that she was not going to set foot on my floor or walk through my dept anymore. She didn't want people to look at her and judge her for what has happened. I'm thinking guilt has set in. Also thinking you brought this upon yourself. This led to my forgeting my medication that I really needed out of the question. So I didn't bother to ask.

Today a person who is on my team who was working in my S dept temp was back in our dept again. he pulled me aside to tell me what was going on and wanted to make me aware. a few people have noticed but didn't know how to approach me on it or how i would react since they really haven't worked with me, so he took it upon himself. he hasn't seem me much at work to bring it up sooner (been out on medical) but told me today. i told him i'm already knew. so if my S is worried what people on my floor think, she is blind to what they know on her floor. she has brought up quiting her job because of this. fine with me, really kills of OP, atleast helps on that front.

She has tossed at me that she is bread winner in the house right now. which is true, she has been working hard to support us. There was a time after our D was born when the rolls were reversed and i was working my tail off for 6 mo supporting the family. but she doesn't remember that or want to. i awknowlege all the hard work she has done and thank her for it all the time. Feels like it's falling on deaf ears.

she has also cut out emailing or text msg'ing me from work now. says she doesnt want to get in trouble. it was our way to communicate thoughout the day since we work screwy schedules.

I have been reading Exposed WW last night thread in general questions ii. I saw about exposing an affair beyond HR to corporate and plan on following this. The only bad thing is, if she's out of work, were toast on moving in Feb. Alot of factors are riding on this move, but I don't want the EA to continue any further. I know once the NC takes place and we agree on the letter (when ever this happens), our work will make sure there won't be an issue. i do like that my work is supporting me in making this work, just not that they won't do much on my claim with the A (atleast from HR persective).

I'm trying to be strong, but between this, work, my D and school fulltime, i'm feeling like i'm out of control. School has slipped so hard over the past few weeks, that I'm failing now. i hope i pull this off because this is another factor for our move in feb. I'm shooting for med school and need to keep the gpa up. my S was my support, anchor in this vortex of mine, now I'm just all over the place. my emotions are holding in check, just been up and down. I only break down now at home and try to hold out until D is in bed but today i couldn't and we both had a good cry. she is aware of what is going on. she is only 5 and surprises me on how much she knows. i can relate because i was that age when i saw my parents split. Lost and all over the place right now.

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LANH,

I make about 30-40% more than my wife. Have for many years. That does not entitle me in any way to have an occasional extra marital BJ or having a girlfriend on the side. In a marriage income is communal; i.e. your income and her income is the family’s income. Expect WW to bring up extremely stupid arguments to justify the affair. Don’t fall into the trap of arguing them with her. These arguments can be tackled later.

I would advise you to raise some issues to a higher moral level. Yes, expose to relevant supervisors. Expose to HR. Do so in a formal, polite and traceable way i.e. with e-mail. This can be very important later on for legal reasons for example if it ends in a divorce or if you or she get fired.

Do not partake in office gossip or tell too many work partners. If approached as you were (and there is a brave soul and true friend) acknowledge you know but limit your responses. Let it be known you want to save the marriage but do not say anything that can bounce back to you.

Expose to OM wife and/or family. You can find good examples of letters to do so on this site.

In many cases the whole “environment” encourages the affair. The secrecy, the hidden guilt, the suspense, the alternative world. All this is shattered or altered by exposure. At that point the WW will hold onto and use any excuse to lay the blame on you to justify carrying on with the affair – therefore it being very important for you to have a clear moral upper hand. Office slander will not help you there.

Pray for sun – prepare for rain. Start documenting her actions. Gather all deeds, financial documentation and so on. Pray for reconciliation but prepare for a long and hard struggle.

One final piece of advice: This is not a normal situation. You need to alter your normal behavior and thinking. Most mistakes at this stage are probably due to actions made and words said in anger. Think analytically. Try to think out the reaction to all you say and do and search for ways for WW to react like you want her to react. Boils down to THINK-PLAN-IMPLEMENT.

bigger #1520975 11/22/05 08:15 AM
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Hi bigger,

I have only limited what people know to those who know me and can tell something is wrong, those that I know who can give me support when needed. My plan now is to expost to S supervisor and OP supervisor. May not do any good but may do a world of good.

I brought up about her not wanting to email or text anymore from work and told her my feelings on it. she just told me she won't email from work but I can text her. different from the no email/text. last night she came home 20 min late. We had agreed on if she was leaving late for work or what ever, that she should call and say something (time accountablitiy). I know she wasn't at OP's house since time for driving doesn't no where add up at all. But still doesn't mean that she was OP at work after work. I brought up NC and she said she wasn't talking to him (i take this with a grain of salt). I brought up the NC letter and how I feel that I need to be sure in order to move on explaining my feelings. she asked about the letter and I told her. she said she wasnt going to do that. that tells me she is still in contact with him. I'll see what happens today. She is off from work for the next 2 days and hope for the best.

Lost

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Update ...

Well it's been about a weeks and I'm kind of seeing improvement and not seeing it. I'm expecting this. I know my S hasn't been in contact with OP through all the other means that I have been watching on. From what a few people I work with in my dept who are temp in hers tell me, they haven't seen anything. I think this is why she's been in a foul mood at times. We have been talking more. Just try to talk about our intrests and how the day went and try to include in our situtation. Usually that subject doesn't last very long so I try not to provoke a fight out of it.

I have brought up the NC letter about a week back and she said she didn't need to do that. I pushed how NC would then allow us to start fixing our marriage. S has been coming home at her usual time again. I've made steps to meet her at work for lunch which usually is dinner time. I've given her the attention she has been looking for, etc... then the other day she asks why are you doing that, I was rubbing her legs at the time. I answer with I want to do this, I thought you may like it. Then the next night while in bed, I was rubbing her back, she asks if I was doing that because I want to. I told her yes again.

We went through a similar situation 2 years ago and I don't think we ever moved to recovery on it, just swept it under the rug and went on with our lives, then back to where at again. I asked her if this time around with all my efforts if she thinks that I'm doing this to get us back on track then will stop like last time. She said that last time it was like 2 weeks of attention then back to our separate ways. I told her that not this time. I've learned that even the little things she likes makes all the difference. I ve been the chevy chase man, big trips, gifts, etc and thought that would hold her over for a while. even though she liked it, all she wanted was a bit of attention which I never really gave, and when I was looking for attention she was hurt by my not giving it to her that she wouldn't give in return. We seen our mistakes and I hope to work through now.

yesterday, one of the people she works with (I'm aware of this person) has a band and was playing one of the local clubs. Invited my S and said would put us on the List so we can get in, etc. I was surprised that my S called me, asked me if I wanted to go and to see if my mom would watch our daughter. Needless to day my mom went off on me. Lied to me a few days earlier about her days off because she didn't want to watch our daughter and told me to have my dad watch her when we move to that state in a few months. I told my S what she said and gave her my thoughts on it.

As it came closer to my S to come home from work, i was expecting her to call and say she was going out. She came home at the usual time. she told me she really wanted to go out and give support for her co-worker (his girlfriend took off with their kid and he doesn't know where they are at). She was mad that she couldn't go. I told her we don't know the whole story just what he told us. there could be more to it. I thanked her for calling me and inviting me and for coming home to me. I was really really surprised. I told her this was her first strong step at working towards us.

All I have been doing is trying plan A, showing support and love and trying to fill her EN, but she has a shell around her. I think like she said she thinks it's going to go back to the way it was the last time this happened. I assured her this time it wasnt. I told her it will take both of us to do this and assured her the best i can do. I hope i'm on the right track.

Lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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Quote
I'm trying to be strong, but between this, work, my D and school fulltime, i'm feeling like i'm out of control. School has slipped so hard over the past few weeks, that I'm failing now. i hope i pull this off because this is another factor for our move in feb. I'm shooting for med school and need to keep the gpa up.

Hey, sorry to read about your current situation. I have read your posts anf feel bad for you. I 'll let the "experts" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> here answer the marriage building questions, but if you have any questions regarding medical school admissions or applications, please let me know...I can more than help you with that.

If you are "failing" your courses now as you say, then "we need to talk" and talk NOW !!!!!. I sit on a Medical School admissions committee and review thousands of applications each year...so I know what "they" are looking for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Given your long term goals of getting into a medical school, "failing" a few courses NOW could (WILL) be your downfall.....I don't want to discourage you, but just "enlighten" you. I cannot imagine being in your situation and acing my college premed courses....you should revealuate right now how you are going to focus your energies and committments. You CANNOT expect to do it all.

You can always go back and take some courses, but if you fail a semseter NOW, that $hit follows you and trust me boss, I know of more than enough silver haired 65 year old Professors who will "not understand" what you were going through when you flunked a semster....medicine is far too competitive for that.

Goodluck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by lemonman; 11/26/05 07:02 PM.

Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
lemonman #1520978 11/27/05 06:44 PM
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Hi lem,

I'm open for all input to get into med school. I have one class left to gt my BS, I'm thinking on pushing for my masters and boost my gpa, depending on what happens this semester. I'm open for all suggestions.

Anyways here is the update to what happened last night. I have committed a major love buster and wish I would have gone about it differently.

My S and I were texting back and forth when I told her there was something I wanted to share with her when she got home and if I forgot to remind me. She texts back, thinking a bout being late. Telling me she wanted to go out with some other people. I’m like you know my feelings and I thought we were going to work on us. I brought up if she was going to see the OP. She got mad for accusing her of something she hasn’t done yet. I brought up about her wanting her cake and eat it too and it doesn’t work that way. She said she wants her cake, but doesn’t want to eat. I’m like they go hand in hand. I feel I have every reason to not trust her when she has done nothing but lied to me and kept their ‘friendship’ a secret. The texts went back and forth getting kind of rude or nasty. She told me that she’s not happy, which she has told me before and the same thing over and over. Then she said she would come home but was going to be mad and wasn’t going to talk to me. I told her we need to talk because I can’t be a doormat anymore or keep doing this. I ask if she really wanted to work this out and commit to fixing us then we need to talk, really talk. She said to make sure that our D is in bed and asleep. I replied with so you want to make this work, she replied with just means well talk.

She gets off at 1030p, takes 15 min to come home. 1100p comes and goes, 1115, I text to see where she was at. No reply. 1130 I’m getting D up to go driving. My first stop, OP house. Need to see if she went there or not. I pull up to his apt, there was her car. Needless to say I was beyond mad. I drove around the complex to calm down a bit then called her. Get her vm, leave a message that she has obviously made her choice and that I’ll be there in 3 min banging on the door. I park and do just that, no answer. Do it a second time then she opens the door and walks out. Never says a word to him and looks at me. I tell her is it him or me. She says she’s going home. So we go home. I’m mad. Set to leave because I’m sick of being lied to. Me and my D. So we get home. I carved into her. Called her some pretty bad names, some were in front of my D and I wish she wouldn’t have seen or heard that. It went back and forth for a bit. She wasn’t going to let me take D or get custody of her. I told her I wasn’t going to leave her with a lying cheating and some not nice names. Once we started to calm down a bit the work began.

She tells me that the OP was in my position and knows what I’m thinking, etc, etc, etc. I’m like if he was in my position and was told to back off and knows what I’m thinking he would have. He’s in it for something more. That went on for a bit. Then we opened up all our feeling, the beans spilled. At least mine did, I don’t think she spilled them all. I told her how I was feeling. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She tells me all the efforts I was doing, although she appreciates them, was done out of desperation, etc. I’m like I’m desperate to save my marriage. The things I do, was from my heart, she felt that there was no emotions in it. I bought her a flower (rose), a card. Going back to the basics of what I did when we first started dating and married. I met her on thanksgiving at work for dinner and told her not to fill up on their potluck because I was going to have a surprise for her at home. Our D passed out on the couch and I made up a candlelight dinner. She was surprised. So I told her if all of what I did was with no emotions and out of pity and desperation, to throw the stuff away. If it didn’t really touch her in any way or make some type of impact she wouldn’t care if she tossed them. She said no. I realized that she was clawing for whatever she can try to throw at me.

The worksheets came up and how I was forcing it on her. Maybe I was, I told her I wanted to see what was hurting us and we would have somewhere to start. I read a lot of stuff that I highlighted on coping with infidelity. We talked more, blame was being placed. I apologies for my mistakes that I made in the past to contribute to our unhappiness but told her I won’t apologies for her going to another man. She said something to the effect that I didn’t remember what I said to her when we got home. I apologized for it and repeated exactly what I said. I think she was surprised on that.

I then asked her again since she has done left me in the dark on the answer, does she want to work this out. She said yes. I told her then we need to move to no contact permanently. She tried to argue around that. I told her she is in no position to negotiate that. I told her if she wants him, then there is no us, because we can’t really move on until he is out of the picture. So this went on for a bit. The she agreed to no more contact. Her quitting has come up several times too. The factor on that right now is if one of us is without a job, then financially were screwed. I talked with my dad today; we can put our stuff in storage here and stay with him while we get on our feet. We were planning on moving to his state anyways in a few months, but this may kick it into high gear. Then our tax return and my tuition check from school will get our place and move our stuff down here. This state here is really bad for jobs now and it’s really hard to land something that pays semi ok. To give an idea, I put out over 200 apps and 100 resumes in a 2 week period and only got 4 interviews. Stuff I’m qualified and able to do too. So that is why were moving, more jobs and better living.

I hope this works out. Like I said I did a major love buster last night. But this morning I got up and did some homework and cleaned up the house. I walked by my S in the bathroom and she for once actually moved in and kissed me and held me. I was very surprised. No wall that I could pick up on. I told her we will have our work cut out for us and it will take a lot of work and effort too. I hope she’s up for the ride.


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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to my surprise, my S texted me shortly after my last post. She said she did like I asked, no more contact. She said that OP understood and wish he would have backed off when I said so the first time. Also she said that he said he should be appologising to me. What ran through my head on that was, if he has any brain in his head, he would stay away, not tease the hungry tiger with a nice steak.

my S came home, I had started to read up on withdrawl to get prepared for the next stage. I didn't say too much. We went to bed, I laid on my side and she on hers. She was crying, I figured for having to give up OP. I put my hand on her shoulder to let her know I was there to talk. She rolled over crying badly, telling me she did not want him but only liked the way he made her feel. She realized what she did was wrong and the pain she caused me. She said she feels like a complete a$$ and so forth. She told me she was very sorry several times.

My mind a break through. She didn't make excuses or try to hide anything or justify what she did. She was open and honest. I think the night before was me knocking the fog out of the harbor.

Today my S actually came to my desk before her shift started. She was there actually in sooner than normal. she sat with me, we chatted a just a bit, then she got me something to drink. Then retreated to her floor to start her shift. She even started to email me from her desk again.

I left her a letter this morning saying i'm expecting withdrawal symptoms and even depression. I told her I will be there for her, her support, her rock. I know most of my efforts will probably not fully hit her as well as they should so instead of wasting it all, i'll give it to her as she needs it.

So I think were going to be on the road to recovery, I wrote to her also saying that it's going to be a ride that we will get through. I told my dad about her being at OP house the other night and he said I should have just left. I'm not too much of a person who give up that easy unless i'm exhaused everything and then some, and even then some on that before tossing in the towel.

How long does withdrawal take on average. From what I have read said 3 weeks. Can that be sooner or what else can I do to help my S through withdrawal, to make it easier for her and fill her love bank at the same time?

I have to say I feel a weight off my chest now and starting to feel a bit better. Only time will tell.

Lost


BS 31 (me) FWW 31 (her) M - 9.5 years DD - 7 DD - 15 (step daughter) DDay - 10/2003 EA DDay - 10/2005 EA DDay - 05/2006 EA, 1/10/2007 found out was PA, 1 sexual encounter Trying to rebuild what I once had.
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I do not see any progress in your sitch. I think you should read DazedandConfused thread on GQII to learn what not to do. I see you on the path of making the same mistakes that he is doing.

Further, it is clear to me that there has been PA between your WW (not "S") and OM. I think you need to come to terms with this fact, although hard to accept, I know.

Moreover, go to GQII forum, you'll get much more help from there.

Expose to her family and your family ASAP. Fear of pissing her off because of exposure will only undermine your effort to possibly save your M, protect your self and your D.

Lastly, see an attorney ASAP so you know what your options are if things go through h*ll, as they seem to be going right now.

Best.


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