My wh was home all last week. His M.O is come here for 5-6 days - go back to our other house where the ow lives for 7 or 10 day. He is pretty unavailable when he is with her and I suspect the same goes for her when he is with us (judging by the hang up phone calls on my answering machine.

He is completely unavailable -- does not call to talk to the kids - he does not answer his voicemail. I think he reads his tms but does not respond.

I am slowly starting to get it -- he does not want any of this to change.

He has a way of knowing that I am about to file for D or plan b him -- he shows up. The kids get excited to see him, I am happy to have the family back we have 2 or 3 good days and then I know he is leaving soon and I turn into a b-t-h.

Friday was my b-t-h day. I told him that I would be filing soon. He looked at me crazy and said why? It's not going to change anything except I won't have medical insurance?

What the heck have I gotten my self into?

What plan are you supposed to be in? Are you supposed to be in Plan A or Plan B?

What is your strategy here, tdr?

He is bully babbling u. Now go find out your real options from someone who doesn't have their head up their opposite end.

L.

Sorry, but a divorce will award the residence to one or the other and the one who doesn't get it cannot enter the resident without permission. Doing so would be breaking and entering. Not to mention, you would get child support and, depending on the state in which you live, spousal support. It WOULD change a whole lot for him!!!!

Regards,

BB

tdr,

I've been worrying about you - because it seemed that your H was walking all over you and treating you very badly. I'm glad to see that you are thinking of changing your approach to this terrible situation.

I wish divorce could be avoided - and that your family could be united and fully restored to what it should be, but I see no sign that this is likely.

Divorce will give you back control of your life. Whether or not you are able to keep the current house, you and your children will have a place to live. It will be your home, and as another poster has said, your XH will not be free to come and go there. There will be fixed visitation orders and the children will have a regular schedule of visitation with their father - which should happen somewhere other than in your home.

You will have the freedom to prepare yourself for a future relationship with a man who will treat you with respect and love, and when you are ready for that, you will be able to enter into a new marriage with somebody who will treat you right.

You will have fixed financial arrangements - including child support at the very least and probably also spousal support, and your money will be your money - to manage, spend, invest as you like.

I understand that your husband is self-employed and in such cases it is often difficult to obtain reliable child support etc. But, you certainly will not get anywhere unless you do something. It is up to you to take the initiative to file for divorce or separate maintenence (which, I believe, is, in your state, the same as divorce except that you cannot marry, and you might still get insurance coverage).

TDR, take control of your life - for your own sake - and for your children's sake.

If, after that, your H thinks nothing has changed, he's out of touch with reality.

May God bless you in your struggle,

-AD

TDR -

Hi - I believe that you know that a D is what you need to do. You do have it within you to do this - stop letting him come in and out of your life like this.

Hugs!

Kim

My parents have a cat that does that and there is nothing they can do about it, but I would not recommend continuing to let your husband do it. Really, it sounds like it is time for a new plan. Plan B or Plan D done in a serious fashion would at least bring some change to this horrendous situation, one way or another. Isn't the limbo killing you?

MSA

You are right Orchid. Bully is the key word and he is good at it. Remember last year he screwed all the doors shut and threw out my new diswasher. I am worried about the fall out.

If we compiled a book of the things Ws' have done, it would make the all time record of weird and evil things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Crazy isn't it?

Brit said the D will affect him. She is right but for your sake take it a step further and confirm what that means in your state.

Be safe......WS' on the loose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you AD. You are right and I am slowly getting it-- With his long absences I realize I can do this alone. I worry he won't see the kids on a regular basis or give us the money to make it. But the kids have two sets of grandparents that will help fill the gap.

I ordered a book how to divorce in GA and I will proably look for an attorney.

Another thing my wh has me bullied into is no lawyers and he doesn't want child support in the papers -- he doesn't want to be legal bound to pay it.


I want to avoid the ugliness of divorce but I don't think its going to happen.

tdr,

In my state, CS is absolutely unavoidable.
Even if the constodial parents says they don't need it, it will still be ordered by the court.

They take it out of my paycheck. I don't mind at all.

I hope it is the same in GA. But... with self-employment comes the possibility of hidden income and other tricks.

BTW, you should get a chunk of the assets too - and maybe part of the business. If you have been married a long time (more than 10 years), and are close to the same age, you probably should get part of the retirements accounts.

Whether or not your H wants lawyers (and a judge) he's going to get them.

I think your H is a little bit dangerous. Watch yourself.

And please, TDR, don't be so tentative. "I will probably look for an attorney" won't get it. Just do it! After the first hour with the attorney you will breathe so much easier.

-AD

TDR-

It never ceases to amaze me how people can treat eachother. How on earth have you put up with it?

You need to get a real plan and stick it to him. As for what you've gotten yourself into...it's not all your fault you're where you are, but what happens to you from here on out IS your responsibility. Go kick his butt.

tdr, your H sorely needs a wake up call. As it is now, he has no reason to change. He has two women meeting his needs; what man in his right mind would give that up willingly? If you conintue to protect him from the consequences of his cruelty, then he can continue this way.........indefinitely.

Why not use the principles of this program to help your marriage? Take legal steps to get payments frm him court ordered and then go into Plan B. He needs to see some serious consuquences if he is to ever be motivated to change. You are making it easy on him at you and your childrens expense.

TDR,
My WH is also self employed and the income thing might get sticky. Start making copies of al; his bank statements and hide them. You said he nailed your doors shut once?? Are you safe with him in the house?

It won't hurt anything to talk to a lawyer, just get the info you need know so you will have it when you are ready. Your WH sounds pretty abusive and manipluative. Cover your butt, for your children's sake.

***Another thing my wh has me bullied into is no lawyers and he doesn't want child support in the papers -- he doesn't want to be legal bound to pay it.***

So let's get this straight -- your WH goes back and forth between two women and insists that you do NOTHING to protect yourself and interfere with this arrangment, and you meekly go along with this because you want to avoid "the ugliness of divorce."

I think there is more here than you are telling us. No one in their right mind would live like this. He is clearly a user and an emotional abuser and more than likely a physical abuser too. Clearly you are terrified of him and that's why you are so afraid to make any waves.

Come clean: Why are you afraid of him? This is far more than just "fear of living alone."
Mulan

TDR -

It sounds like you're at the stage where I was about a year ago. I was afraid to do anything to upset WW. I think that I thought I could ingratiate myself into her good graces. What I found out was that whatever I did, it was NEVER enough. I was at her mercy.

With the help of Mimi and others here, I finally had to turn the tables and rise above that kind of treatment. We (both you and I, as well as ALL BS's) deserve better than that.

Who does he think he is to tell YOU that he doesn't want lawyers involved? If I'm not mistaken, YOU don't want OW involved, but he hasn't honored that request, has he?

You must, for your own sanity, get a firm plan and stick with it. You know you deserve better than what he's doing to you.

Right?

Maybe that is the key -- I will be looking for an IC today. There has been nothing real physical but maybe in the back of my mind there is that real potential. Yes I am scared -- I don't want the hatred that comes with a D. I don't know if I am strong enough -- I don't want to go through what I went through last year with a RO.

Tdr

One more thing -- help me figure this one out. I got a tm from wh that called me a bad name because the ow listened to one of my vm to wh that was sf in nature (not dirty). Anyway - he said thanks a lot she had to find this out on her b'day.

And I am feeling guilty about it -- at first I couldn't figure out how she could have found out about it -- but there is no way I intentionally tmed of vmed her and or uninteninally sent them to her. Anyway I CAN'T STAND having anybody mad at me. I am dieing inside that he is mad at me.

Oh boy I am letting you guys know all of my stupidity.

Tdr

Your WH is really mixed up! So he is seeing two women; you and OW. He comes and goes like he pleases. He scolds you for letting his OW know he is having an affair with his wife. What does that make you? The OWOW?

Man, your hubby is in Macho Heaven! Give it time and he might suggest you all live together so he can “do” one while the other cooks and take care of the kids.

Honestly, the only thing more mixed up than your WH is …. the two of you girls allowing him this behavior. The MB principles never speak of becoming a doormat!

He sets conditions for you on how to proceed with a divorce! A divorce is an end-result of two parties NOT being able to reach an amicable conclusion! Think of your and your kid’s good there – irrespective of WH demands and requests.

You go downtown and FIND a lawyer. You start setting YOUR conditions and then see what he thinks about the effects of a divorce.