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#1521027 11/13/05 08:58 PM
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I have only posted once in the forum, and i have to update HA, i tried 2x but lost it when took too long to post. Anyways.. with everything going on in my marriage, i have to deal with school as well. Right not i am in an online course and the paper that was due yesterday.. but it was a very emotional day so i couldnt focus.. i have to create a survey and have at least 10 responses,,then i have to write a paper on it of 1050 wrds.. the only thing i can think of create one about what i am going through.. and ask everyones helpt to answer it or suggestions to help me get this paper in. My grades and points have fell dramatically since the HA happened.. please take the time to help me out.. i will post shortly of an update what happened over the weekend.. Thanks in advance..
Extramarital Affairs

UH = unfaithful Husband, UW = Unfaithful wife
HVA = Husand Victim of Affair, WVA = Wife Victim of Affair

1. Which of the above are you?

2. How long have you been married?

3. How many children do you have with your H/W?

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage?

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you?
your spouse?

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair?

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well?

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time?

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage?

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again?

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was?

12. Any advice to give to other married couples?


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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I'm game:

UH = unfaithful Husband, UW = Unfaithful wife
HVA = Husand Victim of Affair, WVA = Wife Victim of Affair

1. Which of the above are you? HVA (BS is MB terminology)

2. How long have you been married? ~10 years before the PA

3. How many children do you have with your H/W?2(1boy 1girl) (+1 stepson)

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage? N/a

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? Admiration
your spouse? sexual fullfillment

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair?Yes

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well?NO!!!

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time?... post divorce... taking care of my kids

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? stop in communication... and X's satisfied in little or no communication

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? Counseling

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was?N/A

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? /Counseling early on ( and pre-marriage preparation taken seriously)

NSR

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Thanks NSR.. 1 down.. 9 to go.. i just posted my update.. please read..

thanks again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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1. WVA
2. 10 years
3. 0 together, me 2 kids, him 6
4. N/A
5. Honest - Admiration
6. Yes
7. Yes
8. Posting here
9. Distance and coldness
10. Divorce
11. N/A
12. Spend 15 hrs a week doing fun things together

I suggest you email your instructor, and ask for more time. Good luck.

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Thanks.. i had to come out and tell her what I am going through..I am hoping she will give me an extension.. this is so hard to go to school and deal with the HA. thanks so much for answering..


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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You're welcome.

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I'll play. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1. Which of the above are you? I am the betrayed wife.

2. How long have you been married? 16 years

3. How many children do you have with your H/W? 14-year-old son, 10-year-old daughter

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage? n/a

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? Affection/Conversation (it's a tie).
your spouse? Admiration?

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? In the process of divorcing now, hopefully final soon.

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? Never.

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? Focusing on taking care of kids and day-to-day survival, being with supportive friends/family, prayer.

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? Emotional distance from spouse and children, excessive amount of 'errands' away from home, "guilt gifts" (uncharacteristically extravagant gifts from a man who usually expects you to buy your own birthday/Christmas gifts).

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? n/a, takes two to work on a marriage, couldn't do it alone.

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was?
n/a

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? Don't take each other for granted. Spend time together having fun.

Good luck with your project, BabyAngel06.


Me 40, STBXWH 43 Married 16 years D-day 01/25/05 Son 14, Daughter 10 Divorce almost final - I hope!
Pebbles #1521034 11/14/05 05:30 AM
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1. Which of the above are you?
HVA

2. How long have you been married?
10 Years prior to EA

3. How many children do you have with your H/W?
2

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage?

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? Admiration
your spouse? Conversation/Affection

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair?
No

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well?
No

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time?
Focusing on my children, Working out, joining clubs. Broadening my horizons

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage?
Increasing emotional distance between you and your spouse. Reduced affections. More time spent apart. Increased dependance on items like mobile phones.


10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again?

I cannot answer that. I really have no idea. Focusing on the one day at a time at the moment.

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met, did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was?

Too early to say. But I hope so.

12. Any advice to give to other married couples?

Talk to each other, and LISTEN to your spouse. Make time for each other. Show affection in little ways each day. Be aware of any opposite sex friendships and don't believe your marriage is too strong to worry.

Wantingtotry2 #1521035 11/14/05 07:41 AM
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Thanks so much... 5 more to go and i can get started on my paper.. she is deducting only one grade..so far... With everything going on i struggling with school.

Thanks again!


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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Quote
UH = unfaithful Husband, UW = Unfaithful wife
HVA = Husand Victim of Affair, WVA = Wife Victim of Affair

1. Which of the above are you? Currently the WVA

2. How long have you been married? 14 years

3. How many children do you have with your H/W? two

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage?

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you?
your spouse? Honestly, I have no clue, if I had to guess, it would be admiration

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? Most likely yes, WH refuses to come home

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? Yes

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? Message board, family counseling, friends and family

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? Longer work hours, distratcted

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? Divorce I guess

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was? A previous affair and separation did appear to cause a much different marriage, but new affair shows that it wasn't a stronger marriage

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? never assume "my spouse couldn't be unfaithful"


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Quote
1. Which of the above are you? BS /WVA

2. How long have you been married? 15 years

3. How many children do you have with your H/W? 2 girls

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage? N/A

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you?
your spouse? N/A

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? I did ,yes

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? Abolutely not,never would.

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? Reading,taking care of kids,exercising,taking care of home,working,etc

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? Weight loss,job loss,change in appearance,new clothes,secrecy,lying,lack of affection,whereabouts unknown,odd phone calls,new cell phone numbers

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? Divorce.Second betrayal is a deal breaker for me

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was? N/A

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? You will be ok no matter what.Be strong,perservere,respect yourself.


O


BW(me)40 DDay 10/11/03 Divorcing 'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1 ~Let Higher Minds Prevail~ --------------- ~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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1. Which of the above are you? WVA

2. How long have you been married? 4 yrs/together 10

3. How many children do you have with your H/W? 2 girls/3 yrs. and 12 yrs

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage? n/a

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? affection
your spouse? he is bipolar - diagnosed after affair

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? no

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? no

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? it's been 2 yrs so, I at the time I redecorated the house with my taste not his. It felt good to create a feminin bedroom.

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? noticable distance emotionally, lack of SF.

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? I would divorce him.

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was? Absolutely

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? Take your marriage seriously.

Good Luck,
Rachel


BS (me) - 30
FWS - 32
dd - 11
dd- 2 years
together 8 years
married 8/25/02
PA - 5/03 ended 12/31/03
Separated 3/18/04 to 6/30/04
DD 5/27/04
getting better, in recovery
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1. Which of the above are you? wva

2. How long have you been married? 23 years

3. How many children do you have with your H/W? 2

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage?

5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? affection
your spouse? admiration

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? no, we are working on recovery

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? no

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? counseling, journalling, using art as therepy

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? I didn't see it at the time. I just knew we were both really busy with work, kids, life.

10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again? I honelstly don't know. I thought pre-a I would not stick it out if he did that, but I have. I told him on d-day there were no more chances. I never thought he would do this, and he never thought he would do it either.


11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was? I think it is getting that way. Our kids have noticed how much closer we are.

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? We always prcticed MB principles- had for years. We just sort of let life get in between us. I say, just make your relationship a priority.

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8 down and 2 to go.. your are all awesome!!! I have to write the paper tonight. .and take the grade she gives me.. i'll let ya's know the grade when i get it. Thanks again for all you responded..i just need 2 more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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Quote
UH = unfaithful Husband, UW = Unfaithful wife
HVA = Husand Victim of Affair, WVA = Wife Victim of Affair

1. Which of the above are you? Both

2. How long have you been married?
14 years
3. How many children do you have with your H/W? 2

4. UH or UW how long did you notice there were emotional needs which were not being met, did you decide to turn to someone outside the marriage? 3 years approx. 5. What is the #1 emotional need that was not being met for you? Affection and conversation
your spouse? Respect

6. Are you or did you end the marriage in divorce due to the affair? In the process of divorce

7. If you are the HVA or WVA, have you had thoughts of having an affair as well? I was the first to have an A. I would NEVER ever do it again

8. If you are HVA or the WVA, what are you doing for yourself to get through this time? Prayer and MB

9. If you are HVA or the WVA, What would you recommend are the signs of an affair happening in the marriage? Emotional distance, extended unexplained absences, criticism
10. If you are the HVA or the WVA, and you and your spouse chose to work on the marriage, what decision would you make if it happened again?

11. For both types, if the affair did not cause a divorce but caused for counseling and more focus on needs to be met,
did you find that the marriage became stronger than it ever was?

12. Any advice to give to other married couples? Yes, follow the MB principals


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks!!!!! 9 down 1 more to go!


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.
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Thanks to all of you, I can begin to get my paper rolling. 10 of 10 responses. This is great. Thanks again.. and please help me get through all this mess.. my post is update post is below... reading replies helps me get through the work day.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


WH (34) Me (30) Married 2002 Together for 7yrs. HA Starting of inves.10/24/05 11-09-05: H wont admit though he knows i know 11-18-05: Confrontation, H admitted A.

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