It was recomended to me that I came here for some more advice . I already placed this elsewhere on the site, but I will condence the story a little because they said it was to long.

My wife and I got married about 2 ½ years ago. She was about 2 ½ months pregnant when we got married. During the pregnancy life for us went on as before up until I was deployed over seas with the Navy. She was 7 month pregnant and was beginning to have some complications with the pregnancy. I was somewhat unaware of her complications because she didn’t want to worry me while I was gone. In two months she had 26 visits to the hospital and only told me of about 4 of them. While I was deployed she lacked the support she really needed, and the support I would have been able to provide had I been home. She lived close to family but they failed to truly help her. When I returned from deployment I returned to a completely different lifestyle.

I fell in love with our daughter and I now recognize that the affection and attention I gave our daughter was making my wife jealous. I failed to meet her needs at a very hard time in her life. She eventually decided she wanted to go back to work. Nether of us have a formal education and with the price of child care, her working was almost pointless from a financial point of view. At first I was controlling and I tried to stop her but eventually I gave in.

Her employment didn’t last long (about 4 months) because she became ill and had to have surgery. I had to take about a month off of work to take care of our daughter because our ship was going out to sea and my wife was not allowed to lift her. During her recovery we bonded a lot and became very close; things were going well for us. Then we start having financial difficulties because of our vehicles. She was involved in an accident and her car was totaled. About a week later my vehicle was stolen and we were left with out a car. We eventually got another car and got back on our feet financially.

First she decided she wanted to go back to work after being away from work for about 8 months. I once again tried to stop her, but eventually she settled on join the Naval Reserves. Right about the time she joined I was deployed again for another 6 months. The worst 6 months of my life…

At first we seemed to be doing well with the separation. Although she was failing to keep me informed as to what was going on back at home. She had found out that she was pregnant and decided not to tell me until after she made a trip to attend her friends wedding. Upon returning from a lengthy car ride she began to have abnormal bleeding and pain. She had a miscarriage. She told me about the miscarriage and I tried to offer as much support as I could over email but I did not do well enough.

At about the same time she started experiencing a lot of abdominal pain as well as many other pains and problems. She was shuffled from doctor to doctor for 3 months and was given some very discouraging diagnosis by some of them. She found out that it will be very difficult for her to have children again and that she had a rather debilitating disease. Through all of this she told me very little of what was going on and she did not get the support from me that she needed. I was still deployed and had very little contact with her besides the occasional email.

After her diagnosis things started to get better for her. She was getting the proper care and taking the proper medication and was finally able to enjoy herself a little. She met some new friends and was able to have some fun and do some of the things she enjoyed. I was unaware of her new friends who were mostly male and I was also unaware of what she was doing.

Halfway through September I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked her why she was being so distant with me and why she never told me anything why she never emailed me and why we never talked anymore. She told me she still loved me but she had changed and wasn’t sure if we could be together still. I finally got a phone call and she told me she wanted a divorce. I was devastated and I was still over 2 months from returning to home. We made very little attempt to work on our relationship and in fact treated each other very poorly. I came to the conclusion that she had slept with someone else and had all of the facts I needed to prove it to myself. I didn’t know how to react and I became very depressed.

Around the end of September my grandfather became very ill and passed away. Being deployed I was unable to return to attend his funeral. This added to my depression and I should have sought some help but there was little available. I made a very terrible mistake at this time, on one of our port calls I became overly intoxicated and had sex with a prostitute. I barely remember doing it and I hate myself for it. After leaving that port I couldn’t stand myself I felt filthy and dirty and I convinced myself that I had caught every disease you could imagine.

I decided that I loved my wife to much to hurt her with this news and I began to push her further away. I told her I also thought divorce was the right thing and I began to make preparations for it once we returned. We talked some and decided to live together once I returned through this upcoming Christmas mostly for our daughter but also to try to see if we could work our relationship out. I was going to sleep on the couch and she would have the bed room.

The day of my return was one of the most confusing days of my life. I was happy excited scared anxious and angry all at the same time. I didn’t last long with my secrets and I broke down and told her about the prostitute with in a few hours of returning. She told me it was okay and she told me she had also made a mistake and had slept with someone while I was gone.

I found out that this person had become a very close friend to her and was fulfilling a lot of her needs that I was unable to due to the fact that I was gone. She has continued to be friends with this person but has promised me that there is no sex involved. While that doesn’t not mean they are not being intimate with each other. I also discover that we are in a very difficult financial situation and we are in massive debt due to her poor choices while I was deployed.

I only returned 5 days ago and I already know that I do not want a divorce. While she is not perfect and while she fails to meet some of my needs I am also failing her. I have learned a lot from this website and I am looking for ways to apply it everyday. I see now why she strayed from me and why she is having an affair. While I am guilty of cheating I am no longer involved with anyone else. She on the other hand continues to call email and see the man she slept with. I have not tried to stop her because I do not want to push her away. I want to figure out how I can fulfill the emotional needs that he is fulfilling for her. I have read about plan A and am looking into applying it. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if my marriage can be saved. My wife and I get along so well when we are together. I have not even said anything negative to her about our financial situation. I am trying to be supportive of her. I don’t want to lose her. I feel very hurt when she goes out with this other man and it shows on my face when she leaves. She is being honest with me in the fact that she tells me she is going to see him but there will be no sex involved. I know what emotional needs he is fulfilling, and I want to be the one who is doing that. I am somewhat depressed but I am recovering because I have hope that the woman I love will remain with me. I know this website has a wealth of information and I only wish I had read these ideas prior to getting married.

How do I begin to fulfill my wife’s emotional needs? I am pretty sure I can even identify the ones that he is fulfilling for her. Recreational Companionship, Conversation, and Admiration. Am I doing the right thing, do I stand a chance? How do I get her to stop seeing him? How do I get her to love me and admit that her friendship is more than a friendship? While I do have some things on my side because of our unique situation, I want to do everything I can for her to love me. We will be living together for the time being and her friend who happens to be military also is being deployed in January. I know that if I can hang in there until then I stand a chance. He will no longer be able to meet her needs as I will be able to I will just have to make sure I can do a good enough job at it so that while he is gone she may see the error of her ways. I am open to any comment suggestion or advice. Sorry for the length of this.

Wow! I really feel for you guys. You've both been through so much. I don't really know what to say except that you sound like you both love each other. I just thought i'd write and say that you will get loads of support on this site and there are some really wise and intuitive people to talk to hear. Hang in there and never give up. Let your wife know you will never stop trying and if she's open to it share this site with her. Good luck

JJ,

Welcome to MB.

1st, please read the concepts section above. U need to work on you first, then determine what needs t/b done with your M. When you can, read the book His needs/Her needs along with Surviving an Affair.

You are both WS' and BS' so it makes it a bit stickier. But there have been similar cases on MB and a lot depends on the attitude of each.

Remember right now you can't 'teach' her anything. Do that when she is a willing participant. In the meantime, you work on you, understand what plan A means and implement positive changes in your life.

Look for actions and not just words. Don't make life changing decisions based on emtions. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care and keep posting.

L.

Hello JJace,

I'll say welcome to MB too.

First of all,there are several other members here that are military going through similar situations so you are among friends.We can help.

As Orchid suggested,take some time to read all our concepts and check out our MB bookstore for some great reads: SAA(Surviving an Affair),HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) to begin.Read up on Plan A and what that entails and we will help you with trying to get the A to end.That will be mostly due to your WW(wayward wife) but how you act right now can help that happen.

Now that you are home,what is your plan? Do you have work lined up?

Exposure of the A to the OM's wife or any other family may be necessary at some point but you said he is being deployed soon so that should help some,especially if he is away for a long time(keeping fingers crossed!).

Filling EN's is only a part of trying to salvage your marriage.But keep in mind that when a WS is in an A the reception might not be there.If they are getting needs met by the OP then it's hard for a BS to be effective.Most/all of what has transpired was solely about your WW.Yes she may have had it rough with her pregnancy and medical issues but we all have issues,it's how you deal with them that counts.If she was bored,lonely,depressed and also in pain with her medical problems sure,that could hamper one's ability to make appropriate choices but she is also a mother now and it's not just about her.And she is married and although you may not have been the best husband in the world,that is no reason whatsoever to ever *choose to cheat,as you know.I won't slam you for your poor choice of sex with a prostitute but I hope you have seen or will see a doctor to be sure you are STD free now.That was a huge risk you took.

A lot of the chance for recovery will depend upon your WW getting her own perosnal life in order and deciding what her priorities are and how she wants to proceed.Obviously this OM was not the answer and he has only made things worse in the long run aside from some fleeting moments of "happiness" or escape that he brought your WW.

Ok,to recap:

1) Read all our concepts,especially Plan A and Plan B and what they mean.

2) Check out our MB bookstore and get soome reading material(SAA and HNHN are the 2 most popular and needed).

3) Counseling with a PRO marriage counselor is a must.You cannot just try and wing this on your own.Don't risk it.Even if you have to go alone right now and even a just few times might help,do try.I understand it might be a financial hardship with the debt incurred but whatever you can manage will be helpful in dealing with this on a professional level.

4) Exposure.We can wait and see what the other's say about this since it may not be necessary to make this OM lose his career but rather put pressue on him as I am sure he must be at least somewhat aware of what's at stake being in the military.Mortarman is great and I hope he will respond to you.

5) Patience.Dealing with an A is a very painful,confusing and emotional time and it does take *perserverance to handle it.There are time frames for each plan and it is a rollercoater of emotion and each day will yield different responses.The focus should be on you,your daughter and improving the scene at home now that you are back.No LB'ing,DJ's or outbursts(concepts).

Hope this helps to start.Other's will be along soon~

O

Be interesting to hear views on exposure in this case. Both parties have had affairs – JJace a ONS with a prostitute and WW a 3 week affair with OM. I would possibly wait and see whether WW is willing to commit to NC.

Exposure is an awesome tool. Don’t have to read many stories here to see how effective it can be. Unfortunately every case is unique and the tools available have to be adjusted for each scenario. IMHO I would limit exposure unless WW refuses NC or breaks NC.

I would expose to OMW (if he is married). If not then possibly his senior officer (if in the army), I would not give a cats [censored] about his career. There are no Queensbury Rules in this fight.

Would sending OM an e-mail asking him to desist do any good? A carefully worded letter with no threats or anger – but a letter telling of your comittment to restore the marriage? The message could include the statement (nothtreat) that you are willing to go to all lenghts to save your marriage – including making the affair common knowledge.

Having said that JJace must from now on remember that he has to be extremely carefull with anything and everything he says and writes and is traceable. The mantra “Pray for sun – prepare for rain” applies here. Worst case scenario is divorce and disputes over child. Anything JJace says that can be misinterpeted will be dragged into the daylight.

JJAce: Please follow the advice about MC. You two can not do this alone. And also: you can see already from this discussion that there are not always clear steps ahead. Always think your actions through no matter how sound our advice might seem when reading it.

Bump... come on - he needs help.

Thanks everyone for the advise and everything. You are all being very helpful. I guess I am going to try to answer some of your questions as well as ask a few of my own. First, I am not really sure exposure to anyones chain of command would be a good idea. I cheated as well and admit to it. Also my wife is in the reserves and if we all were repremanded my daughter may lose both of her parents for awhile. I wouldn't have much concern if it wasn't for my daughter.

As for exposure to anyone else. the only people I can think to expose this to is to OMs parents. They met my wife and are unaware that she is married or that she has a 2 year old. They are under the impression that OM and my wife are dating. From what I understand they are quite religous so I am pretty sure they would have some words for their son. I dont know if it would do any good. I am willing to try, but I have no way of conntacting them. They live in another state and I do not know their names. If I can get their phone number I will not hesitate to give them a phone call, but I am kind of stuck.

Also thanks octobergirl, I know I made a very poor choice and I took a large risk. I have infact gotten tested for STDs/HIV I am just awaiting my results. I have on one to blame for my actions but myself, so thank you for not judging me.

Last night my wife and I had a pretty long discussion. I let her know that I felt what she was doing was an affair, and I also let her know how much it hurt me. She responded that it was not an affair because we were seperated and that it was not cheating, but she understood that she was hurting me. I told her that eventually she would need to make a desision and I was not going to force her into making one, and as for now I will be waiting for her. I also told her that I will not wait forever and eventually it is going to hurt me to much so go through it anymore but for now I will be paitent and I will be waiting.

She said she was not ready to choice because she has feelings for both of us. She also told me she is very hesitant to commit to him because he is about to leave for 6 months and she doenst want to go though that again. While she tells me we are seperated we still live together and we still sleep in the same bed. We still show some affection for each other and she does ocassionally tell me she loves me. I also told her that if she is going to be commited to me she will need to break off all contact with OM as well as some of their mutual friends. On the other hand she will never be able to forget me because we have a child together and we will share the responsibilty of raising her. I hope I am doing to right thing. I am continuing to read what is avaliable on here and I will be picking up a book or two that has been recomended.

Thanks in advance for everyones help and support!

JJace,

I love to read stories like yours where we find that no matter what kind of mess we find ourselves in we can always take a new direction. Your little girl will benefit, no matter what happens, from your desire to do the right thing and for getting the help and encouragement you need to stay on the right course.

I do want to say that, even though you have been in the WS postition yourself, I can imagine that that doesn't diminish the pain you feel of becoming one. I can relate to that pain and, buddy, I'm sorry. I'm glad you are wanting to work things out in spite of it.

Orchid: Expose to his parents. U R doing him a favor as well. If he is more innocent in this, it w/b a lesson well learned. If he is a gigolo, then exposure will make him angry but let his parents know what kind a man he really is. Maybe they can work on him. Expose and leave it be. U R not entitled to the after effect details related to your exposure.


Orchid: Since u r a former WS (Xws), you can appreciate the steps u r taking as a BS. Remember this point.


Orchid: Don't tell her you w/b waiting for her. U R giving ammo to the WS to shoot you and break your spirit. Better to have her wondering 'if' you w/b waiting or whatever. Don't tip your hand to the 'enemy'. U realize that is what a WS is right? The vilest enemy to the family.
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Orchid: She is playing one against the other and is very selfish regarding who she will choose. What you need t/d is learn and implement plan A. Don't tell her what you are doing or where you w/b. Give no reassurances to the M. It is better for her to think you are pulling away while still improving yourself than for you to beg and say you will settle for her remaining as a WS. If you give her NO motivation to change, why should she? The WS are a seflish bunch. Expect her to hurt you more. Learn to protect yourself.


Orchid: This is just the beginning....... pray for that calm heart and clear mind..... u r gonna need it.

L.

Thanks Orchid, I agree with you that implementing plan A is my best action. I have read everything I can find on the site that has to do with Plan A as well as reading and re reading the basic concepts. I was wondering what book you would recomend to get a better understanding of Plan A, and if you think that the book His needs, Her needs would be useful. Should I share any of these books with WS? Money is very tight and due to my wifes actions while I was deployed we lost all most all of our banking privileges so I am looking to get the very best books I can and not waste time and money on books that may not be as helpful.

JJ,

Here are the basic recommendations:

1. Surviving an Affair - Dr. W. Harley
2. His needs/Her needs - Dr. Harley
3. Love must be tough - Dr James Dobson

There are many more.....the 1st 2 will give you a general concept of plans A and B. The 3rd book is not an MB book but works well w/plan B.

If you can't buy it, go to the library. Go to the bookstore and plant yourself on their couch and read it there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Right now, don't teach or show the WS anything. Better to leave the rabid dog be.... for now. Go learn to improve and protect yourself. Then when she is ready to learn you w/b equppied to help her.

Get with a good MC and keep posting.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care,
L.