Allow me a vent.

Someone has moved up on the list of people to off when I snap.

For 12 years, Westley has done ALL of the driving for his parenting time. Picks her up and brings her home. It *was* about a half hour one-way trip. Last year, his ex moved farther away. Sharing the driving was brought up. She said she would when we moved (this past summer) yet farther in the opposite direction. (She knew about our upcoming move, when she moved.)

Well, she has, about a half dozen times, met him about halfway (at his mom's house). Yesterday she calls and says if you can afford to have your deer head mounted you can afford to do all the driving. He is now stuck again with a one hour (one-way) trip.

This is the final straw on the back of a camel that has been USED and abused, and too damn non-confrontational about it for far too long.

I am so angry. I wanted to call her back yesterday and unload. I'm glad I didn't, but it would have felt so good. Westley has honored my request to keep out of mine and Humperdinck's business even when it ticks him off, so I backed down and we talked a little about what I could have done or said, and what difference it would have made.

Westley has been unemployed since just before we closed on the house ... early summer. He has been working odd jobs for cash and bringing in about $100 a week. ALL of it has been going toward gas, his truck payment, and child support. Since unemployment ran out, I've had to help him out with gas money, paid his truck insurance, etc. AND even given his ex some cash (that had better have gone toward late child support) when he asked.

He has NO money, and I am paying 100% of the mortgage, the phone, the electric, the groceries, and almost all of everything else. I am paying for having the deer processed. I will be paying the taxidermist, I am paying his back child support; what part of HE HAS NO MONEY can't she understand??

He had to take my car last night to take his daughter home, he didn't have the gas in his truck to do it.

PLEASE help me write a letter to her, or talk me out of it. I am still so frustrated and angry. Their daughter's attitude and work ethic has gone to **** in the past months, the ex is frustrated because HER husband lost his job, and I'm turning around and sending the $75 a week I get for TWO children and putting it toward the $90+ a week she gets for ONE that isn't enough ...

Even though he had a court order for shared holidays, he NEVER had his daughter on Christmas morning until three years ago ... even though she signed over the right to him to claim their daughter on his income taxes, SHE filed first last year and claimed her and told us to deal with it ... it is one little thing after another and it is getting unbearable. She calls Westley to have him talk to their daughter because she won't listen to her mom, she has run away from home, she is failing school, she is hitting my kids, she is throwing tantrums to get her way, and now I am PAYING for this abuse?

I brought up court; he said the judge doesn't care about ANY of the things she's done because he has fallen behind with child support a few times. I don't understand what child support has to do with violations of the visitation order ... I was always told (for our county anyway) that they are separate and that the noncustodial parents visitation rights were not to be penalized regardless of the CS debt.

I guess his order does not mention who is responsible for transportation for parenting time. She has thrown this in his face. I think the order should be changed ... he thinks court is a waste of time and money.

Financially we are STRAPPED ... I wouldn't have gotten into a mortgage I couldn't pay myself, but I didn't intend to be a single income family for long. I can cover bare essentials. We have no landline phone, no internet, no cable or satellite, no frills at all. He is trying to find work, but here in Michigan the blue collar job market is abysmal. He was making $20-30/hr. for heavy equipment operator work, the only openings I've found want to start him at $10 (and even then he needs a CDL for that, which he doesn't have). We've looked into a dozen different fields, he's even willing to start a new career at entry level, and no one is hiring.

I just want to find a father's rights attorney to sink his teeth into her right now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I feel for you Buttercup! What a rotten situation you have been thrown into!! Remember that this is temporary and will not last forever sweetie. He will get a job and the kids will grow up.

Here is a link for support that can help him.

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/michigan/

Check with those groups to find an attorney. They usually have sections on the boards for attorneys that others have had success with. Make sure you choose one for your specific county and judge. The judge will be the one who did the divorce decree.

Good luck and hang in there!!!

(xPB)

My advice is against you writing any letter to her and to look at all the issues, and address them individually.

“””Yesterday she calls and says if you can afford to have your deer head mounted you can afford to do all the driving. He is now stuck again with a one hour (one-way) trip.”””

OK, that is obviously wrong so what are your options. Seems to me the only option hear would be a hearing on Child Support to ask for a modification based upon driving but since you both have moved I think it would likely be fruitless. You could, however, get a court ordered drop off/pick up time/location. I guess the question would be “What is that worth?”. Any court action is going to cost X amount, would you get a return on the investment? If you get enough things together, then it definitely would be more beneficial.

”””Even though he had a court order for shared holidays, he NEVER had his daughter on Christmas morning until three years ago ... even though she signed over the right to him to claim their daughter on his income taxes, SHE filed first last year and claimed her and told us to deal with it ...”””

OK, that’s contempt. Now, if he had an arrearage at the time most Judges probably would have ordered that for her to get caught up. However, if he’s up to speed then likely she would be ordered to either pay Wesley the difference or file an amended return. That one is definitely worth adding to the list.

“””I was always told (for our county anyway) that they are separate and that the non-custodial parents visitation rights were not to be penalized regardless of the CS debt.”””

I believe that’s correct pretty much nation wide.

”””PLEASE help me write a letter to her, or talk me out of it.”””

Please tell me of what ‘positive’ benefit to the situation you’d see any type of letter from you?

“””Westley has been unemployed since just before we closed on the house ... early summer.”””

WHY? I haven’t been unemployed a day in my life. Once I did leave a job without having anything else lined up and I worked 2 low paying jobs until I found something. You mentioned that he’s fell behind several times on CS, is that because of employment history?

“””He has NO money, and I am paying 100% of the mortgage, the phone, the electric, the groceries, and almost all of everything else. I am paying for having the deer processed. I will be paying the taxidermist, I am paying his back child support; what part of HE HAS NO MONEY can't she understand?”””

TO me, here is the root problem and IMHO it is a problem. Wesley has back CS to pay, a truck payment, insurance, other bills, and his portion of y’alls house to pay for and on top of that you’re paying for the rendering/taxidermy when HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING. Wal-Mart, McDonalds, a Security Company, anything to show a willingness to get out of this. Two part-time jobs (60 hrs a week at 7.50/hr is 450/wk before taxes) something.

”””We've looked into a dozen different fields, he's even willing to start a new career at entry level, and no one is hiring.”””

That’s great, but is he willing to simply work? In most areas there are certain places that are always hiring especially at the lower end of the scale.

”””I just want to find a father's rights attorney to sink his teeth into her right now...”””

I think you have a couple of issues that would be good to file upon. Based upon his income that tax thing is worth probably 400-750 per year. The driving thing is worth around 225 – 275 per year. So if it were only those two issues and it cost you 1,500 to file and win, you’d get your money back in just under two years.

xPB, obviously there are some ‘Red Flags’ in this whole situation. You know what’s going on, we don’t. I would only remind you to do one thing, don’t let your anger at this woman blind you.

I can understand the frustrations, so it is good to vent.

Having said that, I am not sure that this is a fight worth fighting, and certainly for YOU to be fighting it.

First, you say that for 12 years Westley has done all the driving, right? So that is now the established pattern, and from her POV, she is simply continuing the status quo.

Second, I share your frustration about your financial situation, it is obvious that you are struggling. However, you also mentioned that the ex's H is also jobless, so perhaps (?) they are in no better financial situation than you, and cannot afford the driving anymore than you can. What do you think?

Finally, you said that the custody order does not address the transportation issue, which would imply that the 12 year pattern of him doing all the driving is the precedent.

I am sure this is very hard for you, and I shudder whenever I think of my ex possibly moving (fortunately our custody order specifically prohibits that) - but in the end, unless I am missing something, I don't see that Westley's ex is the kind of awful person you are painting her to be. I think there are always entanglements and complications with ex's and shared kid custody, and it is best to work them out than to blame the other party for everything (again, it is not his ex's fault that Westley cannot find a job, is it?).

I would vote for negotiation rather than war.

AGG

Except for the part of visitations/driving (that is an issue parents should solve)...

... on this site, full of X 1st (B)Ws...
this blaming...
does this vent make you somehow insulted, and sad too... or is it just me...?

Ya'll are right ... I just needed to vent. I wish he would stand up to her, like I *finally* learned to stand up to Humperdinck, but when it comes to court he feels cheated by the system. He doesn't share the optimism I have that the "right thing" will come out of it.

Westley is depressed right now. I know EXACTLY what that looks like. He has been working, but it has been so sporadic. He actually went into business with a friend and things are picking up, but it was a much slower start than they anticipated and both are behind on everything; stressed out. The unfortunate thing is that he doesn't like the work, and wants out. When he gets something full time, he'll be backing out of the partnership. I've been sending his resume out as I can fax it from work; there just aren't any calls back.

This is the first time since we've been together that he's been unemployed. He had worked for the same construction company since before I met him until this past spring. He calls it a "disputed termination" ... it was flat-out backstabbing by his foreman. Before that job, he had gotten behind on child support and been jailed twice. Now she threatens him with that when he doesn't hand over money. He's given her cash, and I have no way of knowing if she really reported it so it would lower his debt.

I am paying for the deer to be processed as unless there is a great sale on chicken or pork, it is the only meat going on our table. I wasn't expecting him to have this deer mounted, given our situation ... but it isn't something he could have waited and done later, and won't have to be paid for until it is picked up in a few months. Hopefully we'll be in a better situation then. It is important to him and I support him; it will probably be his Christmas AND next birthday present. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We will get through this. He is getting better at standing up to his daughter's fits and he will get better at dealing with the ex. He has bit his tongue raw when my ex and I have "disagreements" and I will try to give him the same consideration.

XPB,
I have the transportation issue too. Our decree doesn't state who does it. It does state the distance I could move away and I did move farther than planned due to X's dragging on closing on the house (but still within the range).
Now X has decided that he's done all of the driving for 2 years and it's my turn. We are in mediation for holidays when he brought this up. So I laughed at him. Yes, he does all the driving on his parenting time and I do all the driving on my parenting time. He really expects me to chauffeur the kids on his parenting time. How convenient for him. My X fails to take into account the distance I drive daily on my time (I don't ask him for help), or the doctors, dentist, counselors, etc. that he refuses to attend with the kids. So I do a minimum of 50% of the mileage (70% of the time) and will not do his driving for him. And this doesnt' consider the 100mile days when we were married because he couldn't be bothered with his kids.

Now, I offer to pick up the kids about once a month, which is 1/2 of his Sunday times, which I think is being nice. Apparently this offer is not valued by my X any more than it is valued by Westley.

So, I'm offering you another perspective here. Think about how much his x drives on a regular basis before you snap at her.

I know you are not the type to vent about small stuff here, and life is hard for you now. It will get better for your family. Pray for it.

“””I've been sending his resume out as I can fax it from work; there just aren't any calls back.”””

As an FYI, when I was in a position where I did the hiring, I never called anyone back who faxed me a resume nor have I gotten a job by simply faxing a resume. The people I hired where the ones who came in or called daily, or as instructed, until the position was filled. I heard someone once say that if you have 5, face to face or phone contacts with the proper people at different agencies, per day then you’ll have a job in week. Employers like candidates who take and show initiative.

”””Before that job, he had gotten behind on child support and been jailed twice.”””

Things must have gotten pretty bad for that to happen twice, has he taken that power away from her? Is he now caught up? Or is he making “traceable” agreed upon steps in that direction with continuous progress?

Thanks newly. It irks me that even my ex (who hates me) has more respect for our parenting time order than his ex (who acts all nice to my face) has for theirs.

I think shared transportation should be added to their order. He doesn't think it is worth it to go to court. He is probably right.

I still sorta want to email her. I don't want her to think that she can walk on ME like she walks on him. Something brief and cordial, but clear.

ie.
"I understand that your situation is unpleasant. I would like to help and am sending Westley's CS payments until he is caught up. Shared transportation costs is only fair and reasonable, something you previously agreed to, as you also made the choice to move farther north, knowing we were moving south.

I am paying ALL house payments, utilities, cellphone, groceries, auto insurance, etc. on my own. Westley pays his truck payment and can afford barely enough gas to get to work. I do not get any money from Westley and I am paying for the deer, and thankful for the meat for the table. I should not have to pay for all of the transportation costs as well.

He and I have both given you cash to put toward his CS debt and I would like to see proof that this has been done.

I have not had any personal problems with you and prefer to let your issues with Westley stay between the two of you, but now you are involving me, and my income will not stretch any further. You receive more CS for one child then I get for two. That is not your fault, but try to look at it from my point of view ... I'm sending all of my children's child support money to you, and then some, while we all go without TV, phone, internet, fast food, etc."


Well, it was meant to be brief. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Maybe that will get it out of my system, just typing it all out. I know I'll be talking to her sooner or later ...

I guess maybe I would understand this ... if I were an "OW ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry if it offends you. Westley and his ex were over many, many years before I was in the picture.

Bill,

I am making the payments right now to get the arrears taken care of. It was coming out of unemployment until recently. He is making about $100-150 a week and has a very frustrating schedule. They are cleaning machines and scheduling around the machine owners' requests... lots of night work. His truck needs work and is getting abysmal mileage, his income is going into his truck payment ($300/mo.) and the rest in gas.

He has dropped off apps in person, mailed them, and I've faxed them when the job posting asks for it. He has called "checking in" on jobs he applied for to the extent that office personnel were asking him to STOP CALLING, that they'd call him when there was an opening. We know what we should be doing ... just seems like when we try to do it, we get another kick in the groin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Gotta keep my spirits up ... I'm flying the plane right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

XPB, now that the letter is out of your system. Forget about it. She doesn't care about your situation, only her own (even though both are problems).
We all know that it costs money to support kids, and the kids shouldn't be hurt.

I just wonder if you give credit for all the driving his X does on a regular basis (although I don't know your kids schedule).

Just let it go. Times are tough and she's an easy target. He can ask her to help out and leave it at that.

I do feel better.

Now to keep my wits about me when she calls.

PrincessBP,
You have every right to feel like you are feeling. Don't let some on here bother you. The fact is, this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, and you are working on your relationship with your fiance. It's totally appropriate to vent here. Marriage Builders isn't just for "first wives", it's for ALL WIVES. This board wasn't created for divorced women with no man in their life.

You might want to also join a board for blended families or second wives because those women have experiences that could help you.

hehe

"After Divorce: Dating and Relationships" as a part of the board either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's OK, don't worry; sorry if I upset you too (btw, I didn't think you were OW at all!)... it's just that... you have a lot of problems and you should focus on their REAL sources...

Tell me Belonging, what relationship are you working on?

Just found out SHE DID NOT apply the cash he and I have given her toward his balance ... OMG I am fuming again ...

and a bit freaked out because they can pick him up and put him in jail at any time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He just worked a midnight to 6am job, has a small job about 50 miles away (not worth the driving if you ask me), then has another midnight to 6am job tomorrow morning.

How is he supposed to work to pay off a debt in jail anyway?

Yes, we have some issues right now, but they are financial ... our relationship is not being strained outside of the fact that I want to scream at his ex. (And he's often felt that way about mine too.)

You didn't upset me. I just wondered if you thought that I shouldn't be complaining about his ex because I was an OW.

I am also a "first wife" to a very difficult ex, and this woman is making dealing with him seem like cake.

If I laid out all the details, you'd swear it was a redneck soap opera. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]Buttercup,

Always pay the proper authorities the money. Always. Even if you give her a check rather than cash she can claim that it was a gift. If she gives you grief about the length of time it takes for child support to be processed through the CSA, then simply point out the past incidents where she didn't report the money.

document document document

I actually get checks from my exes but I am not the kind of person who would try to screw the ex so they are safe. I am not protected, however. When ex quit his job he halved the support - which the court may not have done. The may have imputed his income and still charged him the full amount. Or they may have reduced it. The thing is that having it go through CSA would ensure that someone was keeping track of what he owed.

I was ticked that he didn't tell me as soon as it happened. I had cash going to a 401K that I could have routed into my account and in October I was so broke I didn't have grocery money.

V. [/color]