I found out about my boyfriends affair 4 weeks ago. After seeing text messages, I confronted him and he revealed all. It was happening for 3 months - just phone calls to start with and then for the last month they were intimate with each other. The problem is she is his assistant at work (yes, I know very cliche). He is bound by contract (and we financially rely on his income) to stay until May next year. He has told me he has called it off with her, she is in tears all the time at work apparently. I do believe him, although I think he does comfort her by emails or chats together about what has happened. He cannot leave his job and I do not know how to cope with the situation. Any advice anyone? This is all so new to me. I was away overseas for the last 8 months, and discovered it after being home for 2 hours......The pain is unbearable.

I should add that she continues to text him on weekends, and he has resorted to turning off his phone and hiding it....She has told him he is the love of her life.

I have just re-read my post and I suppose it does not make much sense - I am so emotional. We have been together for 4 years, and trusted him 150%. All the advice tells you to break contact with the 3rd party - but obvioulsy this cannot happen in our case. How does one cope?

Post deleted by soooohurt

I too was in the same situation. After a year, my H left his job because of a legitimately better opportunity (we hope). My H did reveal his A to his boss and of course H/R found out as well. They were very accommodating in moving my H's office and offering him another (less desirable position). He stayed on in his position with her continuing to report to him, but 1) he moved out of the building 2) changed the reporting structure so she no longer reported directly to him 3) never met individually with her and 4) never socialized outside of business with her.

I don't know if your boyfriend (which by the way why aren't you married after 4 years?) can request a new assistant, change the reporting structure or be honest with the company about what happened and reassign him some new assistant. In my H case, they could not by law move her unless she requested it. She was not his secretary, she was one of his sales people. She never did. But they were accommodating and for that I am grateful.

It is very difficult and I feel for you. It can be done. My bigger question to you is Why aren't you married and are you sure you want to marry him now? If I would have gone through this pre-wedding vows, don't think I would have married him. I'm a year into recovery and I would not have married him. I'm here for the kids and it kills me most of the time.

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Thanks for those replys. Well we live in Germany and he is German and lets just say things are done very differently here compared to where I come from where you could do something like that and the company would possibly understand. He simply could not tell the company what has happened - loss of face and just culturally not done. They are working on a project together - she sits at the same desk.......I have even spoken to her on the phone when she has answered his phone. She is a mess - but I could care less. We are not married yet for a few reasons, I have been married before and did it for the wrong reasons then and want to do it for the right reasons this time and the timing has just not been right. I just don't think i can do this until May 2006 everyday. I do believe he has finished with her, but I don't trust her either.

If there were issues that were keeping you from getting married before this, then I'd run like the wine after this! Coupled with them having to work together, you are in for a lot of work that I wouldn't want to invest in someone 1) I wasn't married to and 2) did this to me.

I have stayed because we are married, he is the father of my kids and he was able to "fix" things at his job. It is still the hardest thing I've ever done 1 year later.

Good luck.
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I can see where you are coming from Godhelpme2. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him - and I truly do more than anything.
I am suffering today. He has a work function tonight and I was trying to be grown up and told him to make the decision on whether he thought it right he goes or not. I so do not want to be one of those people who have their partner on a leash (as much as I would love to). Of course he is going as he said it would look bad if he didn't. They are all getting together to cook and drink and she is going to be there. I am a mess. It is under these circumstances that it happened in the first place. I really do not have the energy anymore for this - where do people find their strength? On top of that I have a big exam tmrw morning and so cannot focus. I am alone in a foreign country with noone to talk to.......to me life couldn't get any worse.

Pavlova,

You have EVERY right to DEMAND that your BF not go to a function like this. The fact that he did, knowing how difficult this is for you shows poor judgement.

ALL socialize outside of work stopped for my H. He missed many things he used to enjoy. In some cases it didn't look great that he wasn't there (seeing as he was the VP of the department). But too bad! He explained away his absense with "family first" excuses and that was the way it had to be.

Because you feel your BF can't change jobs, or even change things at work with her working for him, then the LEAST he can do is avoid all outside contact with her.

If I were you, I would insist that there be no more situations like this...including lunch where she will be. If he agrees, continue to monitor him carefully. If he won't agree, then there is little hope.

I know you don't want to keep your man on a leash...none of us do. But he created this situation and should understand that there are consquences - namely no socializing outside of work. Not that you'd want to, but did he invite you to go? Things need to change, not just the ending of the A.

I hope you will put down some reasonable ground rules that he will abide by.

Good luck,
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Thanks for your reply. Yes, he went, I was so upset and spent last night crying. He rang me from outside the function and was so angry that I was making a fuss. Said that it would look so bad if he was not there. Said he was doing everything else for me - commuting to work for an hour each way (was originally going to stay over in this town during the week, but I said no if she was there), no contact only for business purposes etc. Said I made him feel like sh#t, and when was I going to stop going on about it. Is it normal for them to get angry with you like that? I can't help but think he is more angry at himself but taking it out on me. he got home late bcause of commute, cuddled me and said there was no contact whatso ever apart from her mentioning to him that he seemed in a bad mood. The whole department go to lucnh together so yes she is there too. He has told me when they have had to sit next to each other at a table for one reason or another. I remind him that this is all the consquence of what he has done - but that seems to make him angry and make him miserable. Am going to try a whole weekend of not mentioning "it" for once and see what happens. It has been a very long 5 weeks since I found out......It is nice to have found this board otherwise I do not know what I would do....

oh and no - no spouses were allowed.....I would have gone def otherwise. I think it is better when the OW can put a face to just a "someone". I know it would make me back off. If that makes any sense?

Pavlova,

I hope you got through your weekend OK. I guess what you have to do is decide what you can tolerate and what you can't. A lot of what he is doing would not have worked for me, but if it is working for you, then good.

Of course he is going to get angry that there are consquences to HIS actions. But it isn't fair and you need to remind him of that.

Again, you need to decide what you'll tolerate. Did it look bad that my H stopped EVERYTHING he used to do with is staff ie: lunch, trips, happy hour, etc.? Of course it did! But in the end what was more important? Me or appearances? You need to decide that and then stick with it. I fear you are in for a lot more pain if his behavior doesn't stop.

Having her see you will make no difference. OW knew me...had Thanksgiving with us one year when she first started working for my H and relocated here. Doesn't matter.

Good luck
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