I have been happily married (or so I thought) for 10 years. Aniversary is Nov 25. We have one daughter who will be 8 on Sunday. About 2 months ago I was told by my W that she has been unhappy for about 2 years. She never told me she was unhappy. Now she has has an appartment, but has not moved out entirely. Our daughter still does not know anything. Until last week she could not see anything positive that we ever had in our relationship. Then she had an experience that made her see that what we had was once great. The next day she told me that she had was having an affiar. It was with a person that works for her. At first I was numb, then hurt, then angry. Through all of this I have been trying to convince her that our marriage was worth saving. Even after I knew about the A, I wanted to be able to forgive her and start our marriage over again, and she was ready to get rid of her appartment and end the relationship with the OM. But as time went on last week, she realized that she thinks that she is in love with him. Over the last week, she has shown that she was able to have feelings for me, but she can't end the A.

I realize some of the things that caused her to be unhappy in the first place, but she is unwilling to see MC with me. We are currently seeing the same therapist seperatly. By biggest problem now is knowing what to do or say. Every time I do or say something, I end up questioning if it was the right thing to do or if it was detrimental to our recovery. I am so confuesd, and hurt by the roller coaster ride of emotions. It hurts that I am trying to change the things that caused our marriage to be damaged, and show her the emotion that I am sure that she needs, but she is not interested. Today I called the OM (he already knew that I knew) and told him that our relationship was not over and if He did not want to be the cause of a failed marriage that he needed to stop all contact with her. I hope I didn't mess up by doing that. She has my mind so messed up, I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB. Sounds like you've been adrift for 2 months allowing WW to dictate the situation. It is time for you to take control of your life. You need a plan. It just so happens Dr. Harley has one. It is narrow path but most everyone here adheres to it like it is the Word. The Marriage Builder plan saved my marriage and it can save yours. It is the perhaps the only known proven plan for marital recovery.

1. Purchase Surviving an Affair
2. Consider getting His Needs/Her needs at the same time
3. Call Dr. Harley or his daughter, Jennifer (number available on the main website)...if you can afford it you should get the skinny from the real professional...we here believe in the plan but are merely conduits of the professionals.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone? If not that will be the first order of business. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Exposure will anger WW but anger can be overcome...an ongoing secret affair your marriage can not survive.

Are you keeping a journal? If the affair ever does result in divorce you will need a journal to assist you with maintaining and/or obtaining custody of your daughter. You must protect your backside.

I am sorry you are in this situation. We are here to help. Please continue seeking support and advice. This place is a Godsend.

Mr. Wondering

Lost,

Anti deprrsnts will help with the rollercoaster. Go see your doctor. You will be able to handle the emotions much better and think clearer.

Calling the OM doesn't usually do much good. The next thing he will do is tell your WW. I am curious as to what his response was.

Is OM married?

Stopping the A is first priority. Expose to the OM's wife or girl friend. Expose to all involved at your wifes work. If this guy works for her there could be sexual harrassment litigation lurking. This is not a smart thing for her to do.
k

Get Surviving an Affair. Both of you read it. She will need to know that these feelings are normal...and that she can get past those for the OM.

Time to expose the affair. If the Om is married, his wife must know. Since this happened at work, their boss needs to know. So does her family. Time to bring this thing out into the light.

Of course, if she says she will end all contact with the OM then this will not be needed. But if she refuses (or says I cant), then you expose. Do not tell her about exposing or that you are going to expose before you do it. Just do it.

Then figure out her most important needs (download the En questionaire on here) and begin to meet her needs. Exposure and EN meeting are the basic parts of Plan A. You are trying to end the affair.

You have a lot to learn. Read all you can here and in the books recommended. Ask questions here. Much of what you NEEd to do will be exactly opposite of what you think you should do. You will have to overcome your fear, if you want to save your marriage.

The odds of their affair making it are very slim. And this affair has not been going on long, so you have a good chance of breaking it apart very early.

One note: do not move out...and do not let your wife take your daughter! You maintain custody no matter what. Even if that means filing for custody yourself.

Good luck. We are here for you and to help you. Also your wife, if she wants to talk to others that have been in her shoes!

In His arms.