To other BS's: I have been living with the grief and betrayal of my WH's affair (not his first) for what seems like an eternity. He is, I think, turning around. I hope.
He's making changes. NC, I think. Saying the right things, at least. He seems different...doesn't fight me trying to figure out the truth of the A.

One of my biggest current struggles is this (and anyone who can shed light on this, I'd be so grateful): I put up with the most horrible things from this guy. I have kids, I don't believe D is the answer. I know that he is making changes and I am truly glad but I feel that somewhere in the years of betrayal, emotional neglect, and river of pain I have lost myself. I wasn't respected for "being good" myself and trying to be patient for him to come around. Now he has come around and I know he's glad not to lose his family, but is he really glad not to lose me? How will I ever know if I don't just go ahead and walk away for awhile?

When does the fun home movie of images of my H making love to the OW and spending unbelievable amounts of money on her, when does this stop? I'm just so glad that I don't have her face to put in the picture. I wonder if she has a H, a family, too.

I am so glad he is sorry, so glad that he is seeing the light. For the first time in years, if he hugs me he really hugs me. He seems to want to. I have been so crazy lonely. Hugs are nice. Is it OK? Is it right to let him? Will I always wonder if he's really thinking of the OW?

Things seem to be looking up. I still feel so much pain. So much confusion.

My children are still young. I never allowed myself to think of options, like D, to protect myself from a WS who wouldn't listen to my pleas for and end to the A's. I have "sucked it up" because I thought that's what you do when you get married- you make it work. I sucked it up because, if nothing else, I didn't want my kids to grow up in a broken home. Still don't.

It's just that, even with the new change of direction, I had just lately begun to look at my H and realize how much I have lived with, cooked for, cleaned for, loved, prayed for, maintained a sex life with, and raised kids for the one person on the planet who makes me feel the worst. I have held down the fort for what seems like forever while he had fun. Now he is sorry. How do I forget the PA, the money spent, the gazillion nights I sat up alone, unable to sleep and wondering what the heck he was up to. Now I know. A couple of months ago I spent a lot of time praying for God to take me home. What does it say about me that I would stay with him this long?

I feel damaged. I know God can change me, heal me. I'm just so, so tired.

How do I proceed with this FWS?

sadnmad,

I'm so sorry you have had to suffer and endure so much. I am glad that you found Marriage Builders: it is a good place to come for support.

You should read all you can on this site and in particular the book His Needs, Her Needs. Could you get your husband to read the book with you? Could you both take the questionaire and discuss it? A way to motivate your FWH to do so would be to tell him the book shows a path to how to fall in love and stay in love ... more than one ever dreamed or hoped for before.

Like nearly all of us BS here, you have dumped a lot of time and energy into trying to make your WH/FWH happy and feel drained and tired because the return on investment has been meagre thus far.

You need to concentrate on you. Spend some time thinking about what you need to feel safe, secure, and loved in your marriage again. You should also think about your own personal boundaries. What are your boundaries? How healthy is it for you to overextend them? What is the minimun amount of respect that you will put up with?

Your husband is not making you feel safe. It appears he has not revealed the entire truth about the affair --- you don't even know who the OP is. What has he done to prove to you that the A is over? How can you be sure?

It says alot about you sadnmad. It says that you are strong, loving, committed...and so much more.

Things will get easier for you. For me it was a choice to put the past in the past, where it belongs and learn to live in the present.

Easier for me as I am not living with the broken pieces and working to put them back together...

And I know that marital recovery is a lot harder than personal recovery when you are no longer in the relationship.

Hang in there...you will find joy again.

Hi sadnmad. Hi ((weaver))

I am sure you have heard it before but it takes time. A lot of prayer and doing things fo ryourself. Treat yourself well. And that is not just pampering the outside. Are you seeing a counsellor? A pro-marriage one? THat is the key. You are trumatized like all BSs. YOu must heal. YOuh ave been through a terrible was. It sounds like you are still in it? YOu still seem unsure. Unappreciated.

What is FWH doing to make you feel safe?
Have you told FWH how you feel?
Asked him what the 2 of you can do to heal?
What is your Plan? Have you done the EN questionnaire. POJA?
Is FWH transparent?
Have you scheduled quality time with each other? Fun things that have to do with rebuilding?

I know how difficult it is. YOu fight so long and hard and when the drama stops, the pain and anguish doens't magically disappear. imvho, this is the hardest part. The energy that you put into saving the M is unfocussed and what the heck can you do with all that anger and hurt. ((((sadnmad))))

Thanks for all the encouragement.

I'm not sure what my boundaries are, losttranslation. Not sure what taking care of myself or treating myself well means.

We are going to counseling. Hard to know what to bring up and deal with. I feel mean bringing up all the individual offenses but I want an "I'm sorry" for every one!

How many affairs has he had?

Two PA's that I know of. I think there are EA's I don't know about and that he, perhaps, still doesn't recognize as EA's.

MelodyLane, how long have you been recovered?

sad, I have been in a pretty good recovery for 4-5 years.

Do you think that your H believes in monogamy? Because generally a serial cheater cheats as a way of life, rather than an aberration of character. Do you have any indication that he intends on changing this aspect of his personality? Is he in counseling?

I am not being cheeky when I ask...

How long do you choose to be sad?

That is your answer.

committed

Yes, I do think he believes in monogamy. He is in counseling. I want to believe that when he says he will look to God to help him change, that God can do that.

Many people have cautioned me about his "change of heart" but I have seen many important differences lately (like counseling, saying the right things and then backing them up with actions, NC as far as I know...plus, we've been married awhile and he seems different this time).

I want to have hope. I do believe God loves to work miracles to save families. I just don't want to be played for a fool ever again.

good advice, committedandlovi