Thanks for checking in on me. Things have been up and down. She is sending mixed signals in that we've gone out to movies and dinner and had nice conversations, but we seldom talk about what is going on with our relationship. She insisted that we draft up a separation agreement 10 days ago, but it has sat on her desk since then and she has not asked me to sign it. During one of the few times we've talked about us, she has stated that she likes the change she's seen in me over the last month, but she's afraid it's not genuine, permamant change and has difficulty trusting that things will be different. My IC has been going well, I'm finally getting treatment for my Dysthymia, social anxiety, etc... I'm beginning to see how much my father, his relationship with my mother, his criticism of me, and my social anxiety, depression and fear of intimacy have prevented me from ever really connecting with people. I've developed a 'fantasy bond' with my W in lieu of working on becoming a whole person myself. I did a lot of the things I did to her in an subconscious effort to keep distance between us since that's the way relationships worked in my family. Having recognized the problems, I now have a lot of work to do in rebuilding my self-esteem, my compassion and empathy for other people, and building new friendships and better relationships with people close to me. It's going to be a long hard road, and I hope my W is there to see that I am committed to being a happy, whole person, that I can be the man she has wanted me to be for so long.
She is not wearing her wedding ring, we're in separate bedrooms, the last time it came up she still intends to move forward with the formal separation (though as I mentioned earlier, that has kind of stalled) and divorce, but at the same time she acknowleged that she has no idea how she'll feel in a few months. I'm hopeful. I'm particulary hopeful that I am finally getting my mind in the right place no matter what happens with my W and I.
I think she wants to believe that I really am going to permamantly change the way I have (or don't have) relationships with people and that's why she continues to want to spend time with me and talk about the progress I'm making. I've found that I am more 'in tune' with her moods and can better tell how she is feeling. The problem is knowing what to do with that information. It's like I'm saying to myself "OK. She seems kind of sad right now and has retreated to the bedroom, do I let her have some space since she has gone in there or is the fact that she left the door open an invitation for me to come in and ask what's bothering her?" I seldom used to have these sorts of thoughts and it's going to take a long time for me to learn how to respond appropriately to the empathy I'm finding I have. It's terrifying in a way, to have come out of my shell. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to get hurt, and hurt bad, that I'm going to be rejected by the people I try to get close to. Any you know what. I'm right. Life is full of disappointments and rejection, but if we don't risk these things, we're never going to grow and experience the positive things in life. Usually, emotional risks are worth taking.
The job hunt isn't going too well, but I expected that. What I do is fairly specialized, and I live in a mid-size city with limited opportunities in my field. It will likely take a long while for me to find another job and put some distance between me and my father. I have decided, though, that if my W and I do end up divorcing, I'll ask my company for a transfer to the home office in DC, which will get me away from him, but allow me to keep the job I have. This is, however, the worst case scenario, as I grew up in the DC area and it's not an area I'd really like to move back to, though I would be closer to my mother.
