I didn't think I would be posting here as a BS so soon. I thought that we were in the stages of recovery from the last time. I thought that the only reason I was lurking at MB was to find the tools and the resources to make my marriage work. Things looked like they were going good.. finally. He had given me free reign to all the money spending accounts, his cell phone, his yahoo email account. He would call or IM constantly while he was at work, He would call me when he would be on his way home, We talked, we went on dinner dates, we had regular satisfactory SF. So why am i here again??

A gut instinct inside me kept telling me that things weren't right.. but i had thought it was just the mistrust issue that i was getting over so I didn't pay it really any attention. I asked him and he denied anything. He said he would never hurt me that way again. That he realized what he has with me an that he would be a fool to let that go. He even said that the Holy Spirit inside him would convict him so badly to the point of lost appetite and loss of sleep if he ever even thought of cheating on me again.. so much for them words

Last night I decided to check his comcast email account.. an account that I had forgotten about in over 6 months and I found an email from a co worker of ours (we work for the same company) Here is what she said:
hi,
i missed you tonight. i am a patient person but sometimes i am not. i called you but you did my return my call. why? now in my message i just said its me. because my number will tell you who it is. i got vmail twice and didn't leave a message because i wanted to speak to you not vmail. sorry.
i hope that we can go out and dance sometime. i can't wait to look into your eyes closer than ever.
well, you have my number. you can call me tonight if you want.
(her tel nbr here) just in case you delted already.

look forward to hearing your voice,
coworker

and then I found this email from him to a girl that he slept with while we were broken up the first time prior to us getting married and I thought this was completely over but here is his email to her:
Hey boo, I decided to write you from a more secure email address to tell you howm much I am ready to be inside you. You feel so good with your warm body pressed firmly against mine..I can't wait

Someone tell me why i should try this again.. My pain runs so deep and I can't believe here we are again.. I hate what he is doing to me and to our family. I confronted him about it. he didn't confess to anything until he knew that I knew. and then what could he say? He apologized profusely, He has agreed to speak with our PaStor, He has agreed to do the No Contact letter, He has agreed to counseling, He has agreed to whatever i wish for but I just don't think I have the strength to do this..again. it hurts too badly.

I can't even guage his unfaithfulness by how he treates me b/c he has never mistreated me. He still remains loving and affectionate even knowing he is doing this behind my back.
He says nothing has happened and since we've been married he has not physically been intimate with anyone.. I just don't buy it. I want to run away from this all. I want to fast forward time a year from now,

All I can do is cry and pray and ask why but there are no words to ease the pain I'm feeling.

I'm sorry to hear this. I know first hand how you must be feeling. I think sometimes men are stuck in the it's all about me syndrome. My needs, my wants, my desires. It's all about them. When they are in this stage that can't think about family, or hurting you. I hope you feel better soon.

Someone tell me why i should try this again..

no one here could tell you such a thing...
but I wouldn't go a step further with this guy unless he called off work today came home and got an appointment with the marriagebuilders counselor...
AND
I would also hire a lawyer..

AND
I would send her email to her and hers to the other one...so that they both could cooridinate their time with him...better...

then I would leave him and go with the child and be long time gone ...when he came home...


ARK

I like ark's thinking...

MoBo,

So sorry you are here...tears came into my eyes when I read your post. It surely would be hard to ever trust this guy again. I really don't have a lot of advice for you, except what ark said, and do NOT make it easy for him. He is gonna have to do a LOT of work for this, if you give him the chance.

Hugs (((Mo)))...come to Idiotville for some laughs and a time out on stuff. Get some antidepressants. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could fast forward time for you!! But it wouldn't help anyways if you don't do something...

jls

I have to say, that statement by Ark above made me laugh my A$$ of here out loud. My secretary is undoubtedly thinking to herself, that "Lemonman is f-ing nuts".

The story is not funny ofcourse, but it sounds like the Wayward is a serial cheater and the BS should act accordingly. The comment about the "holy spirit" may warrant submission to the annual WS statement awards ceremony.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, yes. Step aside for a while. You are only 29 and on your 3rd marriage. That is a LOT of stuff to go through in so little time.

Really get away from the drama and analyze your situation...you've been here before. How'd you get here again? What choices have you made that lead to situations like this? His behaviors are not your doing but you did marry him.

Some men are scum, some women have a knack for finding them. Is this the case with you? Not accusing, just asking.

Ya know...sadly this is IMVHO more readily apparent than any of us want to admit. Sad, but probably true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I thought this was a marriage building board? I know i haven't made the wisest decisions when it comes to men but this is where I find myself today and I need help. Not to be told it would be best to leave (which very well may be true) but I can't do that. I have to try. I'm just scared, lonely, angry, disappointed and really really sad.

Husband did call out of work today. we both did so that we can spend some time together figuring out what to do and talking.. Lots of talking. He did talk to two mature Christian men, one being our Pastor, and he seems to display signs of true remorse. I know I have a long way to go. I feel like I've been stranded out in the deep ocean, finally make it to shore only to be pulled back in,

I try to be strong, to Plan A but all i can do is cry. I know he doesn't love her. and he would never leave me for her but I'm stil hurt nonetheless

So, do you only want people who think you should stay and work on winning your husband back to post to you?

Please remember, this is an opinion board, and you will get a wide variety of dissparate views...take what you want and chuck the rest. If you don't like what people have to say, pay it no mind..... You can most defintely find people to support your wanting this marriage back even if all "sanity" and "evidence" and "history" dictate differently.

Please also remember that what you do is SOLELY 100% on your shouders. You are 100% responsible for your actions and hence the consequences of those actions.

If you just want people to say it is all "ok", and that "everything will be ok", you can also find that here. "Support" is defined in those terms by many people here, so you should be covered. Sometimes that is what peoople want or need and that is ok.

Sorry, that I could not be "supportive" in what you needed today.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(((Mo)))
I read your post earlier today while I was at work. I have to tell you it was like a punch that took my breath away. Its my worst fear...making it through once...and to have it happen again. Thats probably why you are getting such strong reactions....OMG not again kinda of feeling from BS.
Its like that old cliche' fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Only you can decide what YOU really want for yourself. You know that you can't change a WH, but you can change your behavior. There are some really tough questions...Is it a character flaw?Is he capable of change? What behaviors do you have that enable this behavior? What are you willing to live with? Will you EVER be able to trust him? These are not easy questions to answer, they will take time and consideration.
In the meantime, protect yourself...right now his words mean very little...he is working double time on damage control. What do you want in your heart of hearts? And will you be able to have this with him?

Nobody expects support from lemonman. What we get is a cold, cold bucket of reality thrown at us. It hurts for a while and we sputter about indignantly. Sometime later, we dry off, warm up, reread LM's posts and realize that he's got a point.

I'd think very carefully about where you are going. Just because this is your 3rd marriage doesn't mean that you have to make it work. Your WH seems to be a serial cheater. He fathered his 1st child when he was what, 18? Now he's so very responsibly gone on to have 3 more. Is that just the ones you know about? Can this guy keep it in his pants? Can you ever trust him? You thought you had all the tools to do it. You thought you had it all covered but he not only cheated but did his best to cover his tracks.

I wouldn't want to wish the agony of D-day, especially a 2nd or 3rd on anybody. Maybe you need to stop depending upon men and depend upon yourself instead.

Trutfully Grapegirl, that post above made me laugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> becasue it is all true IN A WAY. 6 months ago, it might have made me feel bad...but NOT NOW. You are what you are. I am what I am...I think we both agree that either of us changing to suit others would not benefit others.

Good post by the way. I agree... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MoBo -

I could not imagine how awful it is to have another D day. The posters have some good points and I think you have a lot of things to process in your mind. He has promised you before, written NC letter before right? It worries me that he has gone back to his "old" ways and it seems with two women, not one??



Seems to me you have a lot to deal with. Do you have enough in your Love Bank to go through this again??

Kim

I thought this was a marriage building board?

I was and remain serious about my advice...

until he agrees to call the Harleys TODAY and set up an appointment...I would discuss NOTHING ...

ALSO
I am dead serious about exposing each of the other women to the other one...don't you dare protect him....
his disrespect to women is far reaching

you
her
her
and who knows how many other hers...

Not to be told it would be best to leave (which very well may be true) but I can't do that.

You and every other BS are much better served in your lives if you ARE willing and able to walk away from such situations...
otherwise you stand at great risk to be the enabler and condoner of dispicable treatment...

you better dig deep and find your strength and decide that this behavior is unacceptable...and you better figure out what your plan is when he brings unacceptable in to your home....

so good marriage builders..are strong enough to walk away...
but remain fighting because of what they believe in the ability of their spouse to change..

they don't stay out of fear
they don't stay out of sadness
and they dont' stay out of any silly belief that they can't have things any better..

AND
I again implore you to have him call the Harleys TODAY

plan A works well in negotiating with a WS that has in their mind created a super partner out of their OP

it helps peel back the layers of wonder surrounding their so called connection...
that's not what your WS does..

he uses anyone and everyone to fill himself up
he uses
and
he is a user

ofcourse he doesn't love these women
he had no idea what love is or means...


send the emails these women can help your husband see the consequences of his lies

call the harleys...
you won't feel so lonely
scared
angry
and
sad..

blessings
ARK^^

I would contact the Harleys, I talked to Jennifer last night and she helped me a lot. I gained valuable insight as to how I needed to change my behaviors, why my WW was upset with me, LBs that are abuse and punishment. How to improve myself whether or not the M survives, I truly believe I will be a better person and father due to the recommended improvements. Your WH must be committed to change though.

Mo - Lemonman is right - Hi lemonman. I to was taken back by his posts but he was always right and I learned the hard way.

Now it sure sounds to me that you are married to a charmer. He knows when to use this to suit his needs. Mine also did the same thing. I learned to ready him, his tone of voice I realized at times would be like you would talk a child into something. They can convince you and others of anything. Smotth talkers -emotions ready on the spot to cover themselfves to get out of trouble. Be careful and actually seperation may help clear your head. Lemonman told me to have a plan. I now have my plan B letter in my back pocket in case mine has further contact. Mine did have contact a second time it is devastating. Blew my mind away and I can feel for you. Leaves you so numb -far worse then first D-Day. Send those e-mails, print them out keep them in a safe place in case you need to show them to a lawyer. I have copies in my desk at work. He may delete them. Contact the Harleys please. Once I took Lemon's advise and came up with a plan B I have felt alot better - it clears the mind, set your bounderies -simple If one more episode of cheating I will D you. MC is a must with a professional MC. Do you have the books HN/Hn and surviving a A? If not get them they really help.

Lemonman and Ark are right on top of it.

Im the FBS of a serial cheater. I almost wrote 'formal' in front of serial cheater, but in all honesty, its something about his past he can't change. It is what it is.

We had two false recoveries.

Until I TOOK CONTROL OF MYSELF AND MY LIFE.

I had to wipe off the tears and realize I was just as much at fault for the pain I was going through as he was-- because I would sit around and whine and cry and not actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I actually taught him, through my own fearful, paralyzed non-action, how to treat me. He knew he could get away with it, because there was nothing to lose.

When you 'recovered' what did you tell him the CONSEQUENCES of breaking your boundaries would be?

You absolutely MUST follow through.

We are now in full recovery, with a new baby. We finally communicate and I am NO LONGER AFRAID. He knows I will absolutely walk out if there are any 'bending' of the terms of our recovery.

PLEASE- love yourself more than you love your WH.

see below

Speechless.....Bravo...clapping............!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

This is a great post.

Now this is what I am always talking about.

This gives me HOPE.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Great Post Mojodiva...great post.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You do not deserve any of this and it is obvious that your husband has a problem.
Before I get too much into my opinion... for those that want to say "men" have this problem... shove it... I have been a BS 2x and would never do that to someone. It is not about gender.
Now, you have a 9 month old child... so you owe it to yourself and to the child to give this everything you have before throwing in the towel. It is obvious that you are the glue holding this relationship together and you should find pride in that fact right now. It is easy to walk away and never look back... but you are willing to deal with the unthinkable for the good of your family. I am proud of you.
Your husband needs help. He sounds very immature and untrustworthy... but there is something there that you love... help him get past his hurtful nature.. intense counseling... reparations... accountability... don't give up until all are exhausted. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It is my opinion that he should be out of the house until such a time as he has earned his way back in. You can date and have him court you all over again. Find time for your family... but you need to heal through counseling after he is done ripping into your heart.
Good luck, God bless you and I am proud of you for doing this for your child and your marriage. In the end, if it does not work out... you will KNOW you did more than your share to forgive and endure.
Robert