I had posted this about 9 months ago when I was reading a great book on co-dependency, lack of confidence etc...

i thought this would be good for many to read again today, as it also applies to BS's...

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David M Burns, MD has created a list of thinking patterns that are guaranteed to create an unhealthy feeling response. As you examine the list, ask yourself whether you regularly think in these destructive ways.

1. All or nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-and-white catagories.

2. Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental Filter: You dwell on the negative and ignore the positive.

4. Discounting the Positives: You insist that your accomplishments or postitive qualities don't count.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You conclude things are bad without any definate evidence

6. Mind Readings: You assume that people are reacting negatively to you

7. Fortune-Telling: You predict that things will turn out badly.

8. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.

9. Emotional Reasoning: You reason from how you feel: " I feel like an idiot, so I must be one."

10. "Should" statements: You critisize yourself or other people with "shoulds", "shouldn'ts", "musts", "oughts", and "have-tos".

11. Labeling: Instead of saying, "I made a mistake," you tell yourself, "I am the mistake, I'm a jerk or a loser."

12. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren't entirely resposible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you have personally contributed to a problem.

If we are creating our own misery by harboring any or all of these thoughts, we find ourselves feeling hopeless, hurt, inferior, depressed, anxious, angry and miserable. We will effectively zap most of the energy we need to creatively deal with whatever life hands us. If we have made it a habit to hold these distorted beliefs, then they will come automatically.

Hmmm...I checked yes on 1-12!

Tell her what she's won, Alex...

a liftime of choosing to be miserable!

No thanks, I'll take the set of steak knives and stop playing the game. I think I'll read the book, too. Lucky for me I already have it. Thanks for reminding me, Dorry.

LOL froz - I miss you and your humour. I think most of us check on a few of em - it's hard not to...

How ARE you doing my friend...

Dorry,

I've missed my humor (and you), too.

I am doing really, really well. I have some challenges (twelve of them above), but I have quite a bit going for me, actually, and I feel hopeful and positive. I am getting really, really tired of half-living out of fear. Half-living isn't living at all.

Thanks for asking.

How are you??

I am so happy to hear the words hopeful and positive out of ya!!!!

I am good - my eye injury keeps re-inflaming...and I finally am getting over a stupid cold...lol...Sprint and I are doing well which is so nice...to be back to normal day to day problems...it's nice...

When H attended his addiction therapist, this was the book (I'm assuming it's 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by David Burns?) that he was asked to get. I think it really helped.

Dorry, I am a BS and I know you mean well but this really hit a wrong nerve with me. Why? Because almost all of these things you say a BS should look at are exactly what my active WH accuses me of:

1. All or nothing thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-and-white catagories.
Yes, I have a black-and-white view of marriage. I think it should be a 100% commitment or no commitment at all. WH firmly believes in "grey areas" in a marriage. He has said so himself. So, black-and-white thinking in a marriage is wrong?

2. Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
Yes, every time he chooses to lie to me and ignore me it just feeds the pattern of neglect, even though I have offered and offered to work with him on finding a positive solution.

3. Mental Filter: You dwell on the negative and ignore the positive.
He has said this to me. Translation: He can't buy me off anymore with gifts and attention at home so I won't bother him when he leaves and ignores me for his female work pals.

4. Discounting the Positives: You insist that your accomplishments or postitive qualities don't count.
That's not my philosophy. That's his. He stopped caring about any of my accomplishements years ago. Those of his bimbo coworkers, howver, are worthy of his very public attention and praise.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You conclude things are bad without any definate evidence
Yeah, well, I guess that depends on your definition of "bad", doesn't it? For me, "bad" is having my husband ignore and neglect his family. For him, this is just "it's my life and I should be able to do what I want." No WS thinks that's bad. Every BS does. Sorry.

6. Mind Readings: You assume that people are reacting negatively to you.
Yes, that's another one of his. It's totally my imagination that his coworkers avoided me and looked at me funny when I worked there too, long before I realized what he was up to -- that he was allowing them to think I was a cold-hearted b*tch and poor poor WH needed some warm female attention DESPERATELY.

7. Fortune-Telling: You predict that things will turn out badly.
*bust out laughing* I can predict that my WH will ignore me completely if there is any other female around. And I can also predict that the sun will come up tomorrow!

8. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.
Yeah, he says this one, too. "If you were strong and secure, these other women wouldn't bother you. You'd realize they're just like guy friends to me. You're weak and insecure and jealous and you blow all this out of proportion." I don't think 9th grade girls fall for that one anymore, do they?

9. Emotional Reasoning: You reason from how you feel: " I feel like an idiot, so I must be one."
Frankly, I don't think I'm the one who's the idiot -- except for staying far too long. I think that WS who treat their families like something disposable are the idiots, but that's just me. See #1 above.

10. "Should" statements: You critisize yourself or other people with "shoulds", "shouldn'ts", "musts", "oughts", and "have-tos".
Uh-huh. "You're judgmental! You judge me!" Well, WH, how nice that YOU care nothing about how other people treat YOU, and that you are happy to just sit back and take the worst sort of disrespect. Some of us aren't.

11. Labeling: Instead of saying, "I made a mistake," you tell yourself, "I am the mistake, I'm a jerk or a loser."
Oh, I sure as h*ll made a huge mistake, but no, I do not think I AM a mistake.

12. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren't entirely resposible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you have personally contributed to a problem.
I have asked him and asked him to tell me what I did to make him want to ignore me and start acting like he was single all those years ago. Even when very very angry, he has no answer for this. I blame myself for not stepping up sooner to confront him about his behavior, but I did not do anything to "drive" him to it -- in fact, he is furiously angry at me because I will NOT take the blame for his selfish choice to stop making life "all about us" and instead choosing to make it "all about ME."

Anything else? I think I'll go beat up a tree now.
Mulan

Well said, Mulan. Sometimes it's just psychobabble.

Mulan, I am so sorry I triggered something in you this morning. I didn't mean to.

As you probably already know - your WS would twist these things to benefit him and throw all blame back at you, when the truth is he is unwilling to look at himself.

I do believe these things aren't for you to look at based on what other people are telling you , but based on your own actions. As you have clearly pointed out - most of your thinking is NOT distorted and your thinking is very clear and sane - but your WS sure thinks it is distorted due to him blaming and justifying...it's not about what he thinks your thinking is...

You are dead on in them when you put them in the view of your WS...and I am sorry that your WS continues to treat you that way. But I don't think the author of them meant for them to be applied by the view of someone else, but more as a view of yourelf...

I didn't mean it just as BS's to look at...WS's too - that's why I aid - "it applies to BS's too" - but I too am a BS and still healing...and I apply some of these to both ends.

Perhaps it's not meant for BS's who spouses are still Wayward? Perhaps I should have posted it for those in recovery still looking for further ways to heal?

Once again, I am sorry if I offended, or triggered you - as you said in the beginning, I did mean well...and I meant it coming from Me as a BS and not me as a WS

Longhorn, it's actually a very practical book and notably un-babbly. I don't think Mulan is making a comment on the book, but simply venting her frustrations with her personal sitch.

TA

TA - actually it wasn't in a book by David Burns - but instead quoted in a book called the Self Confident Woman by Janet Congo. it was a christian book I did first in my recovery, that helped me get back into my relationship with Christ, and learn to forgive myself. She quoted David Burns in the book...and it made alot of sense to me.

Dorry, please don't worry about it. I just offered my own take on it. All any of us can do.
Mulan

Dorry, 1-12 are my WH/STBX way of thinking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Oh Dorry, I have the other book...the one by David Burns.

I know that 1-12 apply to me and I am so glad you posted it, because it reminds me of the things I do (and have done in the past) to aid circumstances beyond my control in making them miserable situations and to continue perpetuating them.

They, of course, can be molded to fit any negative situation, like Mulan said.

But for ME, they DO apply. One way that I am sure of it is because I have been told by many people - people who care about me and wouldn't say it just to be mean - that they recognize these patterns and tendencies in my behavior.

I also strongly identify with it. Thanks again for sharing it, and I'm sorry you guys have colds! Take care.