Mr. Trainwreck

Your wife's friend, T.M., just sent you a link to this thread. We are soooo sorry you find yourself here. Please stick around and start posting. Your marriage is in trouble and what you do right now and the next few weeks is crucial.

I found this site a few weeks after D-Day and thought I was smart enough to just read and not post. In fact, my WW started posting a few weeks after she went to "No Contact" and then I followed. I wish I had posted and asked for advice on my particular situation earlier as I could have cut short some of the trauma of the situation utilizing the tools and advice available here. Just reading/"lurking" will never fully address your situation completely.

Additionally, T.M. has done enough for saving your marriage and probably should not be asked for further advice, information or consult. Besides you are a married man and T.M. is a single woman. You should seek advice here, from Dr. Harley (if you can afford it) and/or your own independent professional "pro-marriage" counselor.

You have a good friend in T.M. and after, I repeat AFTER, you save your marriage you should do everything possible to help T.M. restore her friendship with your wife. You do not have to defend T.M. right now...your wife has written her off and you've got bigger problems right now...so let it wait til you are in recovery mode.

Good Luck,

Mr. Wondering

Thanks to everyone for their kind support. The thing here for me to remember is that I'm no saint. My husband had an affair our entire 7 year marriage. Even had two kids with the OW and I never knew about it. We were financially stable and very secure so I never knew what finances went out. Come to find out he was providing not on my two boys and our daughter with a home and luxuries, he was also keeping house with the OW. He had to travel a lot for business so he was only home three times a week and gone for the rest, I found out later he was living with them as well. The sick part to this, the OW never knew he was married. We met each other and ultimately he ended up without us both. I did my own affair at the end of the marriage, I think I acted out in revenge and I'll never forgive myself for that, but I thought if I could take back a piece of me and get back at him then it was all good, I was wrong. I wish I would have had a friend like me to tell me that my husband was having an affair all those years, but I didn't. I stick by what I have said and done and think I did nothing wrong and did everything right. It will be in her hands on what she does now in regards to the friendship. Thankyou everyone I feel much better.

hi all


i am this womans husband. not tm's but i am the other woman in questions husband. i cant believe that this is going on and what is worse when i confronted this jerk he actually told me that he will never try to sleep with my wife or even so much as get close enough but i dont believe that after reading the text messages. problem is he has my wife convinced that he has good intentions and not bad that is the whole problem right there. i was really mad last night when i confronted them both at the little bar they were all at for practice i could have hit him but violence will never solve a thing and the problmes would still be there. if you had of told me so many weeks ago that my wife would be involved in something like this i would have laughed at you and said no way. i love my wife. i love my marriage and our kids and i know that i have neglected her a lot through the years. my wife is a very attractive woman and sometimes i wish she werent so that i wouldnt have to put up with guys hitting on her all the time. she gets attention but it is the wrong attention. im not sure what im going to do i have been upset all night long and my wife refuses to stop speaking to the guy. i have seen the emails to her friend and the guys email. i did write him back and told him that if i find any more correspondence between my wife and himself that i was going to expose him for the jerk that he is to his soon to be ex wife so she could use that for leverage. he is going through a divorce. my best friend called last night and said that he was going to tell me but tm beat him to the punch. he said that this guy was bragging to them about how he could get my wife away from me it makes me sick to my stomach. i dont know what my wife plans on doing since she is giving me the silent treatment and she threw me out of our home last night. i had to sleep at the office. i called her about twenty minutes ago but no answer and her cell phone just goes straight to voice mail. this is hurting me so much and im not exactly sure what to do or how to proceed with any of this. this is like a nightmare. i feel betrayed and very hurt.

Hang in there, DCF,

I'm no expert but I'm going to bump up your post for the EXPERTS!

thankyou this is driving me nuts i can not get her on the phone and i dont want to go home and risk starting a huge fight. i cant believe she threw me out of our home and after much begging and pleading on my part to stay in the home she started a huge shouting match and with the kids asleep i didnt watn them to hear it so i left willingly. i wish she would talk to me and i dont know how to get her to talk to me. i look at this and think that im the father of our children im the one that has been there for her throughout the years and illnesses and hard times. im the one that has stuck by her side through everything this guy just wants to have my wife in bed and she would rather throw me out than let this chump go. it hurts. good thing im the boss at my job because i cant do any work to do i am too emotionally drained and upset.

Believe me I know how you feel, so many of us do!

For now just be calm and try to resist continuing to call her. For now it's best to go dark, at least for the day. Let her wonder what you're thinking, or going to do.

Can you check her cell-phone on line. Get a good idea just how much they've been conversing.

Women have a big need for conversation and he's been filling that need, plus the flirting makes her feel admired. He's been exploiting that human weakness in her.

But right now, it is doubtful she'll allow you to start filling that need for her. That's why I think you should wait for the posse to show up and give you the expert advice.

My situation was much different, my husband was pretty much done with the other woman when he confessed. Your wife is way in the Glamourized version of things. It's normal to feel very hurt and even afraid. Try to get your head on straight, and most of all be calm and clear before you do anything.

i just did and i cant believe it over 500 text messages sent in a week and 6 hours of actual talk time between the two of them on the phone. most of which is when im at work and sometimes when im asleep at night and she has received pictures from him as well as sent him pictures. i cant believe this is happening to me. i never thought in a million years this would happen. it hurts a lot.

DCowboysFan,

I am not an expert here and I am so sorry this is happening to you but you have found a place that you can get some good advice.

First off you have got to try and get your emotions under control. I know its hard been there done that, still doing it. First off try and stay calm if you talk to her don't let your anger say things you don't mean.

Secondly read all you can on this site about Love Busters and PlanA and PlanB ..

Also do not leave your home. This would give her reasons to claim you left her and your children. Your children need you to be the sane one here. She is in the "FOG" right now and not thinking rationally. Stand your ground do NOT move out... Let your wife know that you are going to stand for your marriage(if thats what you want).

As a BS (betrayed spouse) I know your pain its something I wish on no one but you have to get smart and no allow her to be the one calling the shots. Please read all you can here and get the books Surviving and Affair and His Need Her Needs. Look in your library for them or they can be ordered from this site. Read all you can. It will help you understand more what you are dealing with.

I am sure the experts will be able to give you more advice soon. Again so sorry you have to deal with this awful thing.

God Bless you,

Hurting

P.S. You are very lucky that you have such a good friend in TM who came to you with this. In the end your wife will also thank her. Was a very brave and noble thing TM did....

DCowboys, the first thing you must do is go home. If anyone leaves it must be her. You can't very well work on your marriage if you are not there. It is your home, GO THERE. Sleep in your bed tonight and every night.

Tell her if she wants to seperate, she will have to leave - without the children.

Don't fight with her. Don't allow her to bait you into a fight. Let her know that she needs to get rid of her boyfriend if your marriage is to make it. She is having an affair and it must end in order to save your marriage.

Get some rest and then come back here and we will help you. But you can't do anything if you have moved out.

Tranquil Moon-
Never for a moment doubt that you did the right thing here. I wish to God that some of the people who suspected what was going on in my wife's case would have had the courage to do what you did. You did EXACTLY the right thing...and do NOT let anyone convince you of otherwise!

DCF-

I'm sorry you're here man...but this is a good place to learn how to deal with this kind of situation. I know your pain, because my wife had an emotional affair (EA) with someone we'd both met online. You wouldn't think it's a threat to your marriage, but trust me, once the affair juices get flowing, it doesn't matter much HOW they're communicating.

Your wife is involved in an emotional affair as well...one that was right on the border of going physical, given what TM shared with us. You've done the right thing by taking action to end the affair. You're probably going to have to do more in order to actually get it to end.

If she continues contacting the other man (OM), then you'll likely have to expose the affair. Tell her family, your family...contact the OM's family in just the manner you have considered. The intent in this is to make this public...it prevents them from carrying on this illicit behavior in secret, which was part of the thrill in its own right.

Document EVERYTHING. Save as much of the text messages as you can. If you have a computer at the house, see if she's been emailing this guy...guess her passwords, or install a keylogger so that you can see what she's typing. Save ALL of this information someplace safe...like emailing to yourself and printing it out.

Realize that this is NOT your fault, but hers. You don't deserve this, no matter how hard she tries to convince you of this.

BTW...one track I'd take on this when talking with her is this...if this is JUST harmless flirting that is going no where...why in the HECK did she throw you out and get so angry over it?!?!

Hang in there friend...it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. I know...been in similar circumstances myself, about a year and a half ago. BUT...my wife are happily in recovery. There IS hope for your situation friend.

I suggest you start by reading up on Plan A, and Plan B.

You can open a new browser window so you can watch this thread..

Plan A Plan B

Also, read how OneMoreTime has just conquered his wife's full-blown affair:
I discovered WS and am blown away

You're in the right place, you can win this.

Stay with us, keep posting!

i havent moved out. havent taken my things. when she threw me out last night she said that she could not take being around me at the time and that i humiliated her and that she was embarrased when i showed up and did what i did. i wont engage her into contact sport ie the fighting. i am not like that. i can raise my voice at times but this time i dont know what to do. i feel like a beaten man and that i have to keep my mouth shut. i am scared and hurt and i dont want my children to have to through this. talk about heartbreak. im not and have never been an emotional man. never even cried at a funeral and now this and im torn apart hiding in my office sobbing like a baby. i keep getting visualizations of her with this idiot and things that she says to me saying them to him. it is so hard to sit here and think she isnt picking up her phone or the home phone because she is either out with him, in his bed, laughing about me, or he is at my home. im scared to death.

Then go home friend...now.

It IS your home too.

She is the one who has done wrong here...not you. Do NOT let yourself sit here and feel like that. Why would she be so angry and humiliated if it was just harmless texting? Obviously because it's NOT...because she was doing something she didn't want anyone to know about...especially you.

Don't cower down now...it's not the time for it. It IS time for you to show her that you're willing to do what you have to in order to save your marriage...and that means stand up and take positive action. NOT FIGHT...but WORK to end the affair, and WORK to get things right in your marriage.

Go home. Sit down and TALK with her...the louder she gets...the quieter you get. Not meek...just not fighting. Talk calmly, and directly. Don't accept blame for ANYTHING...

Tell her that you're NOT going to leave...that's not going to fix the problem. And the problem is NOT that you confronted her and band boy with the texts...the problem is that she's behaving in a manner that is WAY inappropriate for a married woman, that she is texting and calling another man and she KNOWS that she shouldn't be...or else why would she hide it from you? Why would she be angry with her friend for forwarding the texts if there was nothing wrong with them? The problem is what is going on between her and OM...NOT what you've done to put a stop to it.

Hang in there...don't sit down and take this. Don't fight, but don't do nothing either. Read up on plan A and B...and exposure, and read these forums and look for advice on what to do.

i am headed home now. i get no response texting her and no response calling her. i am going home to try and talk to her. i will be back on here when i can. i appreciate all this support and guidance you have no idea. im like a scared child now and this is not fun.

i arrived home and she isnt here. no note. no anything. i did call and both the kids are at school. i have no idea where she is. she isnt answering her cell. her clothes and all her personal stuff is still here and im trying to log into her email accounts but i dont have the password.

i am left sitting here wondering how she could be so mean and cruel. i have never had her be this way towards me and it hurts. it hurts with every ounce of pain you can imagine but then again im sure most of you on here know what i mean. i dont know if she is coming back. i dont know if she is with him. i have no clue where he lives or where he works so i cant go looking to see if she is with him. i want to call him but do not think that would solve anything.

I don't think so either, I don't think you should call him now. I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain. It is the worst pain I've ever been through in my life.

Her passwords: try your kids names or years. look underneath the keyboard or in her desk, lots of people have trouble remembering their PWs. Try your name. don't forget your kids birthdays. Something to do with music? or whatever her hobbies are.

Look in her address book. Some new cellphones have GPS, does hers by any chance?

What was the last number called on the house phone, or the last incoming number?

How soon do the calls post on the web for the Cellphone?

Did you identify the guy's home phone by any chance on the cell records. Look closely.

if you have his home phone you can reverse address look up his home address. Post back if you don't know how.

Can you forward all her calls to your phone from her cellular website? Mine will do that I'm pretty sure.

I'll be back. Hang in there.

Hooray for Tranquil!!!!!!!!

You did the right thing with the exposure.

They were on the verge of a PA. Hopefully the exposure came before they crossed that line. I suspect that they had not yet.

You are a better friend then your "fogged" friend can understand right now. Your old "best friend" has taken a little hiatus right now and will be back when she finds her way out of the "fog". It woun't be until then that she realizes how good a friend you are.

I was in a very similar situation to you once. My "best friend" a married father of one, & expecting a new baby in a few months. Began flirting with a new single co-ed whom had recently joined our circle of friends. It started out as simple "playful" flirting but progressed to what you've been describing in about a month.

My friend owned his own business and was able to set his work schedule as he saw fit. His wife worked a very predictable schedule.

The co-ed was taking a semester off from school. The best friend stated reworking his schedule and spending a lot of time with her. I knew this because I was doing some work for him at the time.

I had a sit down talk with him one day about what I was seeing going on. I told him what I was worried about and how I was afraid that this might reflect badly on his business.

He denied everything of course. After a few days he decided that "my services were no longer required".

Mutual frieds asked why I was no longer working with him. I told them about our "frank" discussion. They rallied around my old "best friend". He would NEVER do such a thing.

"Best friend" & his wife called me on the phone later (no email / texting back in those days). I was untrustworthy and they never wanted to speak to me / my wife again.

I was ostercised from all my friends because I spoke the truth.

Two months after that happened one of the mutual friends gave me a call out of the blue. Seems that the guilt of the A got to him and he confessed the A to his "new" best friend.

They were already EA / PA by the time I spoke to my old "best friend" about my concerns.

You are an even better friend that I was. I was trying hard to not see the truth about what was going on. I only faced it and my friend when all of my plausable excuses for him ran out.

I think thay you have truly exposed what was going on in time. I think your "best friend" will come back to see you after she and her H have worked out their marital issues.

It may be awhile, but I see a lot to be hopeful about.

Well, you might try giving a bit of background here friend...how long have ya'll been married, how many kids, etc...stuff like that helps when you're giving advice, because these all kind of factor in.

Suggestion...punctuation helps us to read what you're saying a little easier. Not trying to be rude to you...just letting you know it helps.

Does she have any family close by that she might have gone to? Or other friends?

On the password thing...it's going to be something that she would REMEMBER...so try kids names, pet names, assorted important dates...sadly enough, try variations of OM's name too.

Look online for a keylogger program that you can install on the computer to track what she types...be careful to NOT to get shareware programs...they often pop up and would alert her that you're doing this...not a good thing. You might look at a computer store in the area for something too. Also, try logging into her IM program...often those are setup with an automatic password...see if you can get the password from there, or if it will give you the option to check her emails from there as well.

If you're able to view the cell phone bills online, look at those, and print them out. It will give you a good idea on how much the talking and texting have been, as well as how long this is going on. Again...SAVE this information someplace safe.

Hang in there friend...the ride's gonna be bumpy for a while.

DCF

Your best friend / Band leader may be a very good source of info in the OM. A good friend will support you in this issue.

Glad to see you are here. There is a lot of good advise and support on this board.

The Vets on this board will help you see all the differnt angles.

We'll be here to help you through the rough spots.

Glad you a back home now. Stay there.

Your children will already be starting to notice that something is not right. Your W may already be spinning your not being there in the morning to her advantage.

Stay there and protect your children. Reassure them. They will need you more than you can image.

Hello DCF,

Welcome to MB although I am very sorry it's because of Infidelity.

A good start for now would be to start your own thread and you can do that by posting at the top(POST).This way,we can concentrate solely on you and you will only have to focus on one thread.

Ok.First I will say,we all understand how painful all this is.We have all been through it and are at varying stages.I will tell you this: IT WILL GET BETTER.Believe me when I say that.Right now it's impossible to feel that as you are new but do keep that in mind as we help you through this ok?

Second,cheating is a very UGLY business.As you will come to find out,your WW(wayward wife) is VERY SICK right now.She is caught up in an affair(A).This means,among many other things,that she will be mean to you,appear uncaring,disappear at odd times(like when you arrived home) and a lot,seem ungrateful and even spiteful blaming you for just about everything wrong in the world,she may yell and she will DEFINTELY not have the capacity to make appropriate choices and this is where you MUST be home,be aware and take care of the children.They are the most innocent of victims in all this and need and deserve one stable parent to be there for them.You have to find a way to garner enough strength to do this as badly as you are feeling.Part of what many of us do is seek out professional help: counseling.Also,antidepressants can also help you *cope during this very difficult time.

Right now you are in survival mode.We can help you get through all the stages of the A and what to do but you have to be able to endure all that and you cannot if you are not sleeping,eating and are sertiously depressed/suicidal and anxious,all part of the discovery of an A.

There is a lot to cover and this is a *process.So stick with us and we will help you along.

Hang in there!

O